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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheeky Fil? Telling us about his health issues..

107 replies

Spiderseason · 26/08/2020 22:40

When he took no interest in mine? Or my families..
I find it so strange. 5 days after I delivered his 1st grandchild, he and Mil decided to tell me exactly what they thought of me. They had come round(uninvited) to help paint our bedroom. We had not asked them too. Mil had been crying about the awful bedroom apparently and said it needed to be sorted out etc.
Anyway, I couldn't help pain (4 days post partum) I had horric neck pains and migraines from the straining, the drugs.. Pethidine.... I was also passing fist size pieces of clots? Flesh?

Anyway.. Mil verbally attacked me and left.
Then fil said... We need to move on Confused. He then proceeds to tell me he doesn't like me. And half way through HIS dressing down I said '' please, I've just given birth to a baby!! '' he said '' so.. I know plenty of women who have babies and just get on with it ''.

My baby was half turned back to back!! I could barely stand up straight!!

Anyway. After years of issues we went low contact and now.. He has other family members to call us to tell us he needs an operation.. Then messages to me on my birthday.. Saying happy birthday.. I need an operation.. Then joint messages to myself and dh about his a and e visits??

I also remember telling him about my now deceased df various ops and ailments and got short shrift. Am I mad?

I'm thinking... Wow...!!

OP posts:
ancientgran · 27/08/2020 12:03

Spiderseason it must have been awful. I can't imagine why anyone would think that was healthy for the baby let alone how you were feeling.

Original poster
Spiderseason · 27/08/2020 15:51

@ancientgran

It was!! I didn't ask for it to be dove, I couldn't find anything, even small things like pins to hold my tops together! They chucked out pillows I needed for my neck issues!
They didn't realise that and brought us new ones but I wasn't asked.
I felt my mood, hormones etc plummet and the day they got me alone was my lowest day, I'd just found out I wouldn't get as much maternity pay.
It was all horrendous. It's why now I believe any about to be it just new mum, must, be given absolute support and priority when a baby is born...

OP posts:
Original poster
Spiderseason · 27/08/2020 19:57

@Rumbletumbleinmytummy

Shock that's incredibly cruel.
So nasty.
It's awful being shackled to people like this isn't it.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 27/08/2020 20:10

WOW they were bastards.

I'd reply with the suggested.

With a big fat no need to email again at the end.

Penguinnn · 27/08/2020 20:29

100% what @Twigletfairy said!

Spot on! Grin

Vodkacranberryplease · 27/08/2020 20:59

Let's not forget setting the scene! Whenever you see someone from that family and they ask how you are you say "SO BUSY. Can barely believe how busy I am."

Aka fuck off don't even think about asking me to do anything for that prick. If they talk to you about him look confused. "Oh no DH does all
That I'm afraid, you're talking to the wrong person. He isn't very keen on me so I'm keeping well out!" Breezy. Then change the subject.

Whatever they are scheming - and they are - head it off at the pass.

billy1966 · 27/08/2020 21:32

"Cheeky Fil" is a bit of an understatement OP!

I think carrying on blanking them would be the way to go.
Who cares, not YOUR problem.
Where was your husband in all of this?
Flowers

Attitude84 · 28/08/2020 17:30

If they had insulted me and told me they didn’t like me and to just get on with it... I’d have thrown them out and not spoken to them again. If your husband wishes to respond to his fathers health issues, then so be it, keep yourself out of the picture completely, it’s not your problem (as this is how they’ve seen things to do with you).

DiWoo · 28/08/2020 17:32

@Twigletfairy

I think your response should be: 'so..... I know plenty of men that have had operations and just got on with it'
I agree with this too!

They are lucky they got to see their grandchild after what they said when you'd just given birth!

ilikemethewayiam · 28/08/2020 17:48

WTF OP, why have you put up with this? You should have gone NC immediately after the 4 days post baby abuse!. If someone actually told me they didn’t like me etc, that would be the last time they entered my house and if my DH didn’t back me he would be out too! To be abused by the outlaws in your own home is unbelievable but they clearly know they can get away with it. If DH won’t stand up to them or defend you, you have a much bigger problem! From now on block them on everything and tell DH you are doing it. How he deals with them is up to him as long as you are not not involved in anyway.

justilou1 · 28/08/2020 17:59

Can't you send them. the "Aint nobody got time for that" meme?

Passenger42 · 28/08/2020 18:03

How many years ago was the original fall out. If you have been low contact for years then maybe FIL is trying to tell you and his son that he has cancer. I personally would rise above any previous dislike for the sake of your husband and child and just say sorry to hear your not well. You don’t have to offer your services but maybe it’s time to bury the hatchet if he is sending you birthday wishes. He maybe feels bad for his outburst.

LazyFace · 28/08/2020 18:35

@Passenger42

How many years ago was the original fall out. If you have been low contact for years then maybe FIL is trying to tell you and his son that he has cancer. I personally would rise above any previous dislike for the sake of your husband and child and just say sorry to hear your not well. You don’t have to offer your services but maybe it’s time to bury the hatchet if he is sending you birthday wishes. He maybe feels bad for his outburst.
Or they're just attention seeking. They sound like vile, rude, selfish bastards, cancer won't change that.
LadyLairdArgyll · 28/08/2020 18:39

I personally would rise above any previous dislike for the sake of your husband and child and just say sorry to hear your not well. You don’t have to offer your services but maybe it’s time to bury the hatchet if he is sending you birthday wishes. He maybe feels bad for his outburst.

this isn't rising above it, this is pandering and letting people shit on you from a great height Confused

mylifestory · 28/08/2020 18:48

Simple. Dont reply!

Diva66 · 28/08/2020 19:30

maybe FIL is trying to tell you and his son that he has cancer

I have cancer, it doesn’t allow me to behave like an asshole.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 28/08/2020 19:35

Oh come on. You hate him and he hates you. Why are you bothering Mumsnet with this? It's quite straightforward.

exiledfromcornwall · 28/08/2020 19:42

Forget that old adage "blood is thicker than water". Go NC with them.

Ninjamom · 29/08/2020 01:22

I feel so sad hearing about his cruel comments. Agree that new mums are just so vulnerable. My MiL arrived from overseas uninvited one month after I gave birth to dd2. I developed swine flu. While dh was out working she pretended to be looking after me and the baby but actually just sat in the house watching tv. I went downstairs for some water and was limping with the pain of the body aches. She laughed at me. I had to ask a friend to come over and look after the baby. I don’t think I ever forgave her. She’s too ill to travel now and in residential care.

User43210 · 29/08/2020 04:48

@exiledfromcornwall

Forget that old adage "blood is thicker than water". Go NC with them.
Actually remember this phrase, because what it actually should be is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" meaning friends and people you develop bonds with are more important than family. It's been adapted wrongly over time but go back to its original meaning. That's what I do.
CGWGWOO · 29/08/2020 06:06

@ Chicchicchicchiclana
OP is posting on Mumsnet looking for support regarding her issue with her FIL.

She is not bothering anyone. Your post bothered me.

Original poster
Spiderseason · 29/08/2020 11:08

His bday wishes to me where only a badly concealed vehicle to tell me about his issues.

He couldn't care less about my bday.

My dh doesn't really want to see them or respond either. Covid has been quite good for us because it's taken that pressure off. It's the perfect excuse.

Dh has his own issues and infact has been having his own exploration procedure at hospital today, I myself am also booked in for exploratory procedure in Oct.
They just don't know their own son.
It's bizzare.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spiderseason · 29/08/2020 11:11

Re responding, I can't really, because he'll exploit any crack and start in with his demands.

In the past a long time ago, after the first birth debacle he'd call, email, and actually come round banging on the door if for instance dh had said he didn't want to go to something!!

'No 'wasn't allowed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spiderseason · 29/08/2020 11:18

DiWoo,

Looking back they shouldn't have, dh took baby once a week, the health visitor said we should do this.
Looking back I don't think it was her place or she was qualified to give that sort of advice.

OP posts:
Aglet · 29/08/2020 18:10

Twigletfairy said it all!!!! No more to say.