Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheeky Fil? Telling us about his health issues..

107 replies

Spiderseason · 26/08/2020 22:40

When he took no interest in mine? Or my families..
I find it so strange. 5 days after I delivered his 1st grandchild, he and Mil decided to tell me exactly what they thought of me. They had come round(uninvited) to help paint our bedroom. We had not asked them too. Mil had been crying about the awful bedroom apparently and said it needed to be sorted out etc.
Anyway, I couldn't help pain (4 days post partum) I had horric neck pains and migraines from the straining, the drugs.. Pethidine.... I was also passing fist size pieces of clots? Flesh?

Anyway.. Mil verbally attacked me and left.
Then fil said... We need to move on Confused. He then proceeds to tell me he doesn't like me. And half way through HIS dressing down I said '' please, I've just given birth to a baby!! '' he said '' so.. I know plenty of women who have babies and just get on with it ''.

My baby was half turned back to back!! I could barely stand up straight!!

Anyway. After years of issues we went low contact and now.. He has other family members to call us to tell us he needs an operation.. Then messages to me on my birthday.. Saying happy birthday.. I need an operation.. Then joint messages to myself and dh about his a and e visits??

I also remember telling him about my now deceased df various ops and ailments and got short shrift. Am I mad?

I'm thinking... Wow...!!

OP posts:
Brefugee · 27/08/2020 07:30

agree, go with this I think your response should be: 'so..... I know plenty of men that have had operations and just got on with it' and then block and NC. You don't need that kind of shit in your life.

But your DH... did he know how they attacked you? That would be a huge problem for me.

SnuggyBuggy · 27/08/2020 07:31

What a horrible pair of people

EatDessertFirst · 27/08/2020 07:35

They both sound vile. Block if you haven't already and keep it that way.

I would also be interested in how your DH reacted to you being verbally attacked in your own home four days after giving birth. If he didn't stick up for you, then you have bigger problems than your FIL and his attention seeking.

SnuggyBuggy · 27/08/2020 07:37

A d yes where the hell was your husband 4 days post partum?

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 27/08/2020 07:42

@Twigletfairy response is perfect

maddening · 27/08/2020 07:42

Yes, reply in kind, plenty of people have ops and just get on with it. By the way, I don't like you.

Mindymomo · 27/08/2020 07:45

You sound a very responsible person. He didn’t ring you himself to tell you about operation, so I wouldn’t bother ringing him. Your relatives rang you as would any normal family. I would have said to them, thank you for letting us know and wish him well and when he’s had the operation, get a well card. You are the bigger person here, don’t lower yourself to speak to him. It must be difficult for your husband in this situation, as it’s his parents.

MrsSlipSlop · 27/08/2020 07:45

Don’t write anything, it could be used against you.

Just continue to ignore.

WhyIsItSoHardToPickAUsername · 27/08/2020 07:49

Why on earth did your husband allow his parents to speak to you like that? Especially when you were so vulnerable Thanks

cunningartificer · 27/08/2020 07:53

I really wouldn’t send that message. Out of context it will make you look as awful as him. If you feel the need to say it put it in context e g “ when I was in a lot of pain post partum, you told me lots of women gave birth and to get on with it. Now you’re having an operation how would you feel if I told you lots of men go through this and to get on with it?”

Actually, even like that it sounds really petty. I’d ignore. He behaved badly, leave him to your husband and tell your family the story instead to stop their concern. It happened a long time ago, I’d just move on. Send him a get well card as you’rea better person, but no need for more contact except through your husband if he wants that.

Vodkacranberryplease · 27/08/2020 08:00

I'd be asking myself what do they want? What does he want? And ignoring any thoughts that they want a normal relationship. No I mean is it money? Free help? A free nurse? Setting up care for old age?

Ignore. You do zero for these people. Not so much as a cup of tea. That's all up to your DH. You are 'busy'. And if they want to see GC (who they don't appear interested in which is highly strange) then DH can take them. They do not come to your house.

Ignore the message. Maybe even block him.

Vodkacranberryplease · 27/08/2020 08:06

Other family members. Hm. Say nothing and if they mention it be vague. If they push it just look very sad and say something like "it's such a difficult situation. They were very cruel to me and made it very clear they don't want me around. So I'd rather not talk about it if that's ok as it's a hard subject to talk sbout" and look a bit sad.

Then stop any further convos. Don't pretend to everyone nothing happened and don't go into details but do be clear that they have left no way back and this is down to them. People need to understand this isn't about 'forgiving ' or not - its an ongoing situation you did not create.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/08/2020 08:09

@Twigletfairy

I think your response should be: 'so..... I know plenty of men that have had operations and just got on with it'
This ^

Or visit him and tell him you've never liked him.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 27/08/2020 08:11

@Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches

I think your response should be: 'so..... I know plenty of men that have had operations and just got on with it'

^^
I think you should say this!

And then tell him you don’t like him, and block them both.

THIS. A thousand times this.

Please do this!

VivaMiltonKeynes · 27/08/2020 08:12

@Spiderseason what did they exactly think of you ? Was it just about the baby's nursery?

sunnysidegold · 27/08/2020 08:15

I would be having nothing more to do with them and let husband deal with them. He can take the baby for visits or you can conveniently have something to do if they call round unexpectedly. As for painting the room, were you resting in the bedroom at the time?! Is the baby for for sleeping in your room? I wouldn't be happy sitting in a room reeking of fumes at the best of times.

Your husband really needs to do something about this. Try not to let it spool your first few days as a mum. Congratulations on your new arrival, think how amazing your body is to have coped with all of that!

QuestionMarkNow · 27/08/2020 08:18

I would ignore too.
But if he was to contact me (and I Hope your DH would do the same) I would give him @Twigletfairy answer.

Plenty of men have operations and just get in with it after all....

SnuggyBuggy · 27/08/2020 08:22

Also even if he wasn't a bad person he's your FIL, he's your DHs family so your DH should be taking the lead on making arrangements and sending cards. Fuck wifework.

RedElephants · 27/08/2020 08:34

How long ago ago was this op?
And the reason why you dh didn't say anything?
Was he back at work/not at the house?

Lollypop4 · 27/08/2020 08:40

Send what Twiglet said! Brilliant!
Then go NC

Ohtherewearethen · 27/08/2020 08:40

Good grief, I can't even imagine this. Your PIL are absolutely awful. They are no loss to you and your life will only get better without them whereas theirs will get worse, which they well and truly deserve.
I cannot even think why on earth FIL thought you'd want to know or care that he's going for an operation. Just attention seeking I imagine? I'd be so tempted to text back with what I thought of him but could live to regret it (if the worst happened during the op, for example) so just ignore it. Don't give him the attention be craves. He's not important enough to you to give his operation any thought at all.
If it all kicks off and PIL question you or rant at you about if just say you assumed he had sent the text to you by mistake as the last time you spoke, four days after having your baby, he was full of spite and bile about how much he dislikes you so obviously you didn't think he would expect you to what to know or care about his health.

tara66 · 27/08/2020 08:43

Ignore, don't let him or MIL upset you.

Willowbee · 27/08/2020 08:51

@Twigletfairy

I think your response should be: 'so..... I know plenty of men that have had operations and just got on with it'
Perfect.
BallOfString · 27/08/2020 08:58

Has this just happened or was it a while ago? Just hoping you've called your midwife or GP about the clots.

YANBU definitely. They sound cruel, insensitive and self-absorbed. And what on earth is a MIL doing crying about your decor rather than showing concern about the wellbeing of her DIL who is recovering from a difficult birth? She sounds even more toxic than the FIL.

As others have said, why is your dh letting his parents bully and verbally abuse you, especially when you've just given birth? I think you need to discuss this with your dh urgently and agree on some boundaries, at the very least they shouldn't come to your home uninvited, and they should treat you with kindness and respect.

ddl1 · 27/08/2020 09:05

Don't respond positively or negatively. Just don't engage at all. If anything needs dealing with, let your dh do it.

On the basis of experience of my own more difficult relatives (fortunately not close relatives), my first suspicion would be that he has family members who are favourites and others who are scapegoats, and alternates them from time to time, and he has just quarrelled with one relative so thinks that you and your dh might replace them in the temporary favourites category. Best to stay out of that, if so. Alternatively, having an operation may be causing him to think about his will - but don't get sucked into any games over that either.