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Original poster

Cheeky Fil? Telling us about his health issues..

107 replies

Spiderseason · 26/08/2020 22:40

When he took no interest in mine? Or my families..
I find it so strange. 5 days after I delivered his 1st grandchild, he and Mil decided to tell me exactly what they thought of me. They had come round(uninvited) to help paint our bedroom. We had not asked them too. Mil had been crying about the awful bedroom apparently and said it needed to be sorted out etc.
Anyway, I couldn't help pain (4 days post partum) I had horric neck pains and migraines from the straining, the drugs.. Pethidine.... I was also passing fist size pieces of clots? Flesh?

Anyway.. Mil verbally attacked me and left.
Then fil said... We need to move on Confused. He then proceeds to tell me he doesn't like me. And half way through HIS dressing down I said '' please, I've just given birth to a baby!! '' he said '' so.. I know plenty of women who have babies and just get on with it ''.

My baby was half turned back to back!! I could barely stand up straight!!

Anyway. After years of issues we went low contact and now.. He has other family members to call us to tell us he needs an operation.. Then messages to me on my birthday.. Saying happy birthday.. I need an operation.. Then joint messages to myself and dh about his a and e visits??

I also remember telling him about my now deceased df various ops and ailments and got short shrift. Am I mad?

I'm thinking... Wow...!!

OP posts:
Willowbee · 27/08/2020 09:13

Maybe FiL is discovering what all parents and parents in law find if they live long enough; when older people's health starts to fail they need help and support. They naturally turn to their children.

So to mix a couple of metaphors, FiL is now both backtracking and hoping he hasn't burned his boats.
Here's another: that ship has sailed.

He was unpleasant to you when he could have been your family's rock. That told you all you need to know. You owe him nothing.

I wouldn't respond at all but a 'get well' card would come from you both so you're covered.

Snaketime · 27/08/2020 09:20

@Twigletfairy

I think your response should be: 'so..... I know plenty of men that have had operations and just got on with it'
I'm another one that thinks this should be your response.
Brainwave89 · 27/08/2020 09:24

Sounds like a horrible oaf. Is he setting you and DH as his carer post operation? Given his attitude to date he might just be thick skinned enough to think that he can behave so badly over a prolonged period and that you will provide care for him whilst he recovers? Or perhaps he needs more permanent care and sees you as the provider? Either way from my experience this is a huge commitment, and should be considered really carefully. He sounds like he would be horrible to care for and I would counsel you are brave early on and be clear you are sorry he is ill, and would be happy to help him source some support from elsewhere.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/08/2020 09:25

I can't believe your title is 'Cheeky FIL?'. He's not cheeky, no.

athousandwords · 27/08/2020 09:30

Sounds like you are being lined up to be their support and care system like a good little DIL should. Where is your DH in all this?

Show them the same love and care that they did you - none.
Be utterly indifferent, block messages and ignore.

Shizzlestix · 27/08/2020 09:33

Tell the flying monkeys that pass on his messages exactly what he said to you and say you no longer want to hear his issues. I’d be asking why people are telling you anyway: surely they know he was awful to you?

Original poster
Spiderseason · 27/08/2020 09:48

So I'm not going mad then!.
I did do a draft response as soon as I got his email, but restrained myself from sending it

, exactly as above... More like... Dear fil, my own response to your ailments, hospital visits, etc would be one of some sympathy and compassion, but when in Rome, as per your words to me, after the birth of your grandchild.... 'I know plenty of people who have visited a and e and have had operations and they, just, get on with it!

Re husband, they actually got him out the house (this was years ago), he was shocked and can't really talk to them because as pp said its just all one way traffic about them!!

OP posts:
Longwhiskers14 · 27/08/2020 09:50

I think your response should be: 'so..... I know plenty of men that have had operations and just got on with it'

Definitely send this!

Original poster
Spiderseason · 27/08/2020 09:51

Re supporting them, we barley see them. In did a lot of caring for my own df, who passed away whom loved me and whom I loved. , I'm not doing any more for people that don't care a jot about me!!

I remember at various points trying to tell him about my own df various illness, and I got a crisp '' he'll be fine ''!!!

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 27/08/2020 09:51

Well your DH could talk at them, as they do him, if he chose. He seems to be hiding behind you.

Arthersleep · 27/08/2020 09:52

What exactly did your MIL and FIL say to you after you'd given birth and what prompted it?

lottiegarbanzo · 27/08/2020 09:52

Also, if you are going to respond, keep it very brief. The more words, the more room for willful misinterpretation.

Arthersleep · 27/08/2020 09:52

Just respond with 'you'll be fine'. Short and sweet.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/08/2020 09:57

@Twigletfairy

I think your response should be: 'so..... I know plenty of men that have had operations and just got on with it'
Oh yes. THAT would be the limit of my contact with him.
Arthersleep · 27/08/2020 09:58

Or, better still, "oh, I've known loads of people have that operation. You'll be fine".
It's nice and dismissive, but you could argue that the intention behind it was to be reassuring! It will annoy them but they won't really be able to slag you off over it.

Original poster
Spiderseason · 27/08/2020 10:00

@SchadenfreudePersonified

That made me laugh 😂,

Visit him and tell him you don't like him 😂😂🤣🤣... Of course I wouldn't but that would be hilarious!!

OP posts:
meercat23 · 27/08/2020 10:01

It sounds as if he suddenly feels vulnerable. So now he knows how you felt.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/08/2020 10:08

athousandwords "Sounds like you are being lined up to be their support and care system like a good little DIL should."

"Re supporting them, we barley see them. I did a lot of caring for my own df, who passed away"

And because you cared for your father, your selfish and self-absorbed FIL expects you to do the same for him. A man who could behave towards you as he did would absolutely expect you to do so. Ah, the joy when he realises how wrong he is Grin! He'll just have to enlist someone who gives a shit - maybe one of his flying monkeys who are so keen to call you about his upcoming operation?

diddl · 27/08/2020 10:12

I'm gobsmacked that you ever had anything to do with them again after that!

They were invited anyway & just proceeded to tell you that they didn't like you?

ancientgran · 27/08/2020 10:12

I can't get past the idea of allowing someone to decorate your bedroom 4 days after giving birth.

Original poster
Spiderseason · 27/08/2020 10:21

I know, ancient gran, it was smelling of paint fumes, and I didn't feel well and apparently they were disgusted that we were sleeping downstairs Confused

We were steam rollered, in shock, trying to be polite.... I had also had another massive shock at the same time, they, the pils, were so shocking... It was all horrendous... Unexpected!

Poor dh has had issues with them... It ways dreadful, the most incredible, special time in our lives was dragged down by them.
Honestly we are very low contact now, extremely low!
I have blocked him on texts etc, but the email! Extraordinary. Maybe he hopes I'll prompt dh to respond?

I used too, years ago, I used to bridge the gap between them etc but of course I don't do that anymore!

OP posts:
CharityDingle · 27/08/2020 10:34

Don't respond. As has been said upthread, using his words against him, and out of context, will only go against you.

Ignore completely.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 27/08/2020 10:43

Don't respond but be prepared for him to ramp up his attempts to get a response.

Chickychickydodah · 27/08/2020 10:48

Block and ignore. He’s a selfish horrid man...

Rumbletumbleinmytummy · 27/08/2020 11:42

Oh I had similar with my ILs.
I was going through all sorts. I'd been coughing up blood for the best part of the year, and was being sent for investigations to see if I had lung cancer. It was a pretty harrowing time, yet I heard repeatedly about the awful awful time FIL was having with his urine infections.

Funnily enough, I take no interest in their conditions now. They tried to pull me up about it about 9 months ago. I just replied, I am in my 20s, I live with a lot of medical conditions that make my life incredibly hard. I was investigated for lung cancer. I never have had a single bit of interest in my health. Never. I have decided not to expend energy on people who patently don't give a fuck about me. I'm not going to sympathise with you over urine infections and skin infections when you couldnt even feign interest in the multiple tests i went for last year.

Were not close. I see them very rarely now.
I walk away when they start talking about their poor health (their health is better than mine and I don't bleat on about it)