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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil and childcare

124 replies

Binny36 · 25/08/2020 16:35

Mil told me she’s not able to look after little one when I go back to work. Fair enough I totally understand. She said she can do one day. She was very forceful that she wants to look after him but just not longer than 1 day. I totally get it and I get she wants one day with him alone so as she’s his grandma and loves him. I organised childcare for other 2 days and 1 day with her.

Off to work next week and husband sulking today that why am I putting LO in nursery when his mum said she wants to take care of him. He’s forcing me now to cancel childcare and leave lo with mil for 3 days as that’s what she wants now!

I’m really annoyed but don’t want to get anxious and spiral out of control again just before starting my new job.

What would you do in my position? I’m really sick of this, there’s never any clear communication. I asked her early on and respected her choice of one day. Her response is that he’s easier to look after now and just plays by himself. I feel really angry. It’s caused me to doubt myself now and whether childcare is good for him or will he be happier with one:one interaction with mil and Fil. They both love him dearly and I know they will look after him. But nursery also has benefits.

OP posts:

CustardyCreams · 27/08/2020 03:16

Stick with nursery, anyone who thinks a toddler is easier than a baby and plays by themselves, has no place looking after toddlers all day! They are exhausting and require heaps of energy and attention.

Coffeecak3 · 27/08/2020 03:54

Definitely keep the nursery place. I have a school age dgs who has been with us most of this summer. He is a lovely child but it is exhausting having him all day.
No way could I look after a toddler 3 days a week.

timeisnotaline · 27/08/2020 04:17

Your husband sounds ... very special. Have you told him if his mum is sick or away he will be using his leave to look after his child? As she doesn’t sound very reliable.

Minimumstandard · 27/08/2020 04:58

It's hard having to be the grown-up, isn't it? Look, you have to work so you have to ensure you have reliable childcare. It's all very well saying your DH will have to cover the days if MIL falls through, but it's easy to see how that's going to pan out given his general level of maturity.... I'd quietly broach the possibility of going up to a third day in a couple of months with nursery for when MIL decides it's too much for her.

As much as you can, don't worry about the crying. Of course LO will be upset being away from you, you're his favourite person in the world. But you're leaving him where he will be well cared for and he will get a lot out of being with other children.

Blackbear19 · 27/08/2020 06:02

Op stick with 2 days and 1 day.

You never know what can happen especially in the current pandemic. It's only a few short months ago that we were all told to stay home and not send DC to GPs and to use hubs if necessary. Much easier to deal with if DC are already used to childcare.

Putting covid aside 3 days can be exhausting for GPs. It also gives you no backup if GPs are ill, have appointments, decide to book a last minute Mon-Fri deal.

Another thing to consider is if GPs have DC 3 days, which is probably their absolute limit, you can't then ask for babysitting at the weekend for a night out.

I know nursery fees are expensive but it's two years really, assuming that LO is a year old, then they get nursery funding when they turn 3 which brings the cost down considerably.

picosdeeuropa · 27/08/2020 12:46

Your DH sounds very unpleasant and very unsupportive of you at a time when he should be your rock. Time for you to stay strong and dont let him or his parents force you to change the plans you had already agreed with them. It will just get worse if you do

Caterina99 · 27/08/2020 13:36

What is your DHs problem? He doesn’t want to pay for nursery? Or he doesn’t want your LO exposed to the germs?

How old is your child? Toddlers are exhausting, especially at the moment with nowhere to go. I wouldn’t ask my DP or in-laws to do 3 days a week every week. It’s too much! And is he just going to be sat in front of tv half the time at granny’s? Whereas nursery is all activities geared towards them.

The current plan is perfect. And yes he will be off nursery sick a lot so you can use mil as backup then. And you can hopefully get him in the extra day at nursery if she’s ill or on holiday. You could also use her as a babysitter on a weekend or your days off. To be able to go and get your hair cut or dentist or just have a coffee to yourself. I send my kids to nursery for that break (sahm) as I don’t have any family to help me

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 27/08/2020 17:09

Are you ok OP? Concerned after your last post, deliberately being obstructive to you going back to work and being aggressive at home are red flags.

JamieLeeCurtains · 27/08/2020 17:25

I also think he is sabotaging you, OP. Please stick with the good nursery plan. And adopt 'grey rock' [no reaction] with your husband till you think this through.

Are you a team?

Original poster

Binny36 · 27/08/2020 17:26

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter I’m okay thank you. I’m just feeling overwhelmed with everything and he’s not helping, I think it’s the cost that’s annoying him as his mum will obviously do it for free and he’s saying she’s happy to do it. Apparently I’m trying to distance my son from her!

I’m not ready to go back to work. It’s going to be intense and I don’t feel I’m in the right frame of mind. I’ve got a cold too so feel I have zero energy to do anything, typical it’s happened before I start work! Sorry for feeling sorry for myself! Thank you all for your replies. I’ve confirmed with nursery his actual start date now and given one month advance.

OP posts:

WendyHoused · 27/08/2020 17:33

Best of luck, Binny. I'm sorry your DH is being an arse about it, but you are making the sensible choice.

WaltzingBetty · 27/08/2020 17:36

[quote Binny36]@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter I’m okay thank you. I’m just feeling overwhelmed with everything and he’s not helping, I think it’s the cost that’s annoying him as his mum will obviously do it for free and he’s saying she’s happy to do it. Apparently I’m trying to distance my son from her!

Either he does it himself, or he leaves you to it, but he doesn't get to opt out and then tell you you're doing it wrong.
He sounds like a dick

WaltzingBetty · 27/08/2020 17:38

And sulking and slamming doors is ridiculous.

I assume you're the one expected to put your career on hold, take leave for sickness etc. And his life will continue uninterrupted but he'll still feel like he has the right to dictate to you.
Be careful OP there are red flags here

Blackbear19 · 27/08/2020 17:54

Good luck, glad you have nursery sorted.
It won't feel so bad once you are back. The thought of going back is worse than actually being back.

ZoeTurtle · 27/08/2020 18:17

If you hand over all childcare arrangements to him and refuse to get involved, would he step up? If so, I would do that. If not I'd start making plans to leave because this is not a man who should be a father.

Original poster

Binny36 · 27/08/2020 20:41

Thank you all for your support. No @ZoeTurtle he wouldn’t step up, he would just leave it all to me.

OP posts:

ZoeTurtle · 27/08/2020 20:45

I guessed you'd say that. At least your little boy has one great parent, and I really hope your return to work goes well.

Original poster

Binny36 · 27/08/2020 20:51

Thank you all. I’m so nervous about working again! I will update you all on how he gets on at nursery x

OP posts:

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 27/08/2020 22:29

@Binny36

Thank you all for your support. No *@ZoeTurtle* he wouldn’t step up, he would just leave it all to me.

Huh what a surprise

Glad you're ok considering the situation

I remember all those unsettling feelings you're going through, but you will surprise yourself how you'll both adapt and enjoy a coffee that's not gone cold for once Fortunately my DS's nursery was part of the company I worked for and did some paperwork for, and on the occasions I had to ring or pop in, ALL the kids seemed happy - even 10 minutes after drop offs!

Glad you're sticking by your guns, my Mam wanted to do childcare for us one day a week - she regularly would ring me the night before (like late, well afyer nursery closed) and breezily tell me she can't look after DS tomorrow (self employed) - no concern that I'd have to take time off or ring early and beg a spare place if the ratios allowed, until I nipped it in the bud and booked him in on the days she was meant to have him. You don't need that kind of unnecessary stress - granny can still granny other times but childcare needs to be reliable.

BluebellsGreenbells · 28/08/2020 10:13

and enjoy a coffee that's not gone cold for once

She’s a teacher, no chance of hot coffee!

Thehop · 28/08/2020 10:20

Stick with the arrangements she insisted on.

Nursery will give so much more than childcare, and be reliable.

Thehop · 28/08/2020 10:20

I work in a baby room. Can o suggest you send a tee shirt you’ve worn for a day as a snuggle for your ds? He’ll enjoy the comfort of your smell when he’s held by his key worker. We find it helps

hungrywalrus · 28/08/2020 10:37

The most important thing when you start work again is that you are confortable with your childcare arrangements, as this will be a huge source of stress for you otherwise when you restart. If this arrangement is what makes you the happiest then this is what you should do. Your husband doesn’t sound like he is the default parent, so it’s not up to him. He also probably has very little idea of what combining work and having a small kid is likely to be like. He isn’t being very nice about this at all, as I am sure you are aware.

blanchmange50 · 31/08/2020 12:11

Hope all is ok and your all set for your return to work.

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