Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil and childcare

124 replies

Binny36 · 25/08/2020 16:35

Mil told me she’s not able to look after little one when I go back to work. Fair enough I totally understand. She said she can do one day. She was very forceful that she wants to look after him but just not longer than 1 day. I totally get it and I get she wants one day with him alone so as she’s his grandma and loves him. I organised childcare for other 2 days and 1 day with her.

Off to work next week and husband sulking today that why am I putting LO in nursery when his mum said she wants to take care of him. He’s forcing me now to cancel childcare and leave lo with mil for 3 days as that’s what she wants now!

I’m really annoyed but don’t want to get anxious and spiral out of control again just before starting my new job.

What would you do in my position? I’m really sick of this, there’s never any clear communication. I asked her early on and respected her choice of one day. Her response is that he’s easier to look after now and just plays by himself. I feel really angry. It’s caused me to doubt myself now and whether childcare is good for him or will he be happier with one:one interaction with mil and Fil. They both love him dearly and I know they will look after him. But nursery also has benefits.

OP posts:
hiredandsqueak · 25/08/2020 18:33

I'd stick with what is organised. I look after dgs 14months whilst dd works four days a week and tbh I had forgotten just how much hard work is involved. I certainly don't have the stamina I did when I had four under six that is certain. If MIL only wanted one day what makes your dh thinks he needs to interfere?

FizzyGreenWater · 25/08/2020 18:44

just plays by himself

Er, big fucking no.

Nursery all the way, then.

I'd not even be particularly happy about one day.

Vivi0 · 25/08/2020 18:44

My son thrived at nursery so I would suggest you put him in nursery 3 days and MIL can spend time with him when you visit.

June628 · 25/08/2020 18:51

In your position I’d put him in nursery 3 days a week. Your MIL sounds unreliable and likely to change her mind about doing 1 day a week for you then you’d be stuck.

HanPanPeg · 25/08/2020 18:51

Maybe to soften the blow to MIL you could ask her to be your back up / standby childcare if nursery closes or he gets ill or something?

Playingchesswithpigeons · 25/08/2020 18:54

@ Devlesko. Is there a park near, where you can play?

CelestialSpanking · 25/08/2020 18:57

I’d go with the arrangements you’ve made and your MIL can take that 1 day a week or leave it. I’d refuse get into a big old drama about it with her or your OH (who sounds like a dickhead tbh for the sulking). You need reliable childcare in order to hold down your job and your MIL has changed her mind twice already. I wouldn’t be cancelling the childcare no matter how “forceful” your OH is.

Minimumstandard · 25/08/2020 19:02

I'd keep nursery. Much easier to ask them for an extra day then to find a new nursery place if MIL decides she can't cope. If MIL wants to spend more time than that with your son, I'd definitely offer for her to be "back-up" babysitter and maybe give you a morning off on your days off.

SloopyDoodle · 25/08/2020 19:14

I’m in a very similar situation to you, back to work next week and my mum is having LO one day a week and in nursery two days a week. She also has recently started saying she would actually like to do more and reduce her working hours but I have told her I would prefer one good day from her. Looking after a toddler is exhausting, especially when you are older! She has only spent a couple of hours alone with LO due to the pandemic so I don’t think she realises how tricky it can be yet, first grandchild. Also it’s a major red flag IMO if she says your LO just plays alone 🙈

nasiisthebest · 25/08/2020 19:16

I'd stick with the nursery but if you ever take your husbands suggestion in tge future then make him responsible for the extra days in case she becomes flaky again. So if she defaults, he gets to sort the childcare issue out.

Jux · 25/08/2020 19:26

I think what lanthanum says is a really good solution.

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 25/08/2020 19:28

All kinds of wrong with this picture. I would double-check with your DH that if MIL flakes out and lets you down he's OK with taking time off work to provide emergency childcare. That's probably the last conversation you'll need to have about it before continuing with the nursery arrangements you've made.

Topseyt · 25/08/2020 19:28

Stick to your plan. A good nursery is great for helping young children learn to socialise and your DS will still get time each week with MIL if that is what she wants.

Chopping and changing is never a great idea. Just get a settled arrangement in place.

carly2803 · 25/08/2020 20:03

id put him in nursery for 3 days

good routine and they absolutely love it!
use MIL as backup when they get sick and he cannot go nursery. This happens a LOT!

AcrossthePond55 · 25/08/2020 20:07

Absolutely don't give up the nursery spot!

What would you do if you did and then after a few weeks or months she suddenly says "It's too much!".

Better safe than sorry.

monkeymonkey2010 · 26/08/2020 15:59

I’m really sick of this, there’s never any clear communication. I asked her early on and respected her choice of one day. Her response is that he’s easier to look after now and just plays by himself

I think your MIL is playing games with you deliberately.
She tells you one thing and him another - knowing what will happen.
Trying to create a wedge/drama between you and your dh.
The more she does this to you, and the more tension there is between you and dh- and the more he will get the impression that it's you who has an issue with his mother.

So she gets to look innocent, gets what she wanted and has you both expending your energy on her whilst she runs rings round you.

Original poster
Binny36 · 27/08/2020 00:00

@monkeymonkey2010 you might be right but I still think he’s a complete annoying idiot. He’s been fighting with me again today and slamming doors. He’s refusing to take LO to nursery settling next week. I actually start work next week but as LO not settling into nursery at all they want to do few days extra settling next week. It’s bloody inset this Friday and last week he missed 2 days due to other reasons so we have 3 more days to complete settling.

I just feel really overwhelmed, I don’t know how I’m going to go into work and leave him crying. I don’t want to go into work looking depressed and anxious. I find it hard to hide my emotions. It’s all so bloody annoying.

OP posts:
Shizzlestix · 27/08/2020 00:10

Sounds like you have 2 dc, not one! I think your plan is excellent, I think your ds will benefit far more from 2 days at nursery rather than 3 days with your mil. Is your dh in the FOG? Tied to mummy’s apron strings?

BluebellsGreenbells · 27/08/2020 00:10

Can you get your DH a place at nursery?

Grown man slamming doors? In a huff?

OP just go to work and let him deal with the whole nursery thing!!

Sparklfairy · 27/08/2020 00:15

I know you backtracked on the word "forcing" but your update does sound like your DH thinks he's in charge. "Refusing" to take DC and slamming doors to get his own way. You're supposed to be a team who most importantly, put your DC needs first, not your DH wants.

Loopylala7 · 27/08/2020 00:26

In our case, both sets insisted on a day each, and DC both went into nursery for 2 days. It was lovely that they got to spend time with grandparents, but what I would say is that when you pay a nursery you never have to over consider your annual leave in the same way. For example, one set of GP like their holidays. A lot. We never begrudge them a holiday, but when you are using valuable A/L to cover their holidays and you barely have enough for you own, it becomes a bit of a bone of contention. The other set hardly ever asked, and so I was always checking if they wanted a break, so would feel guilty or they would spring a mini break on me at a weeks notice. Nursery’s don’t do that. When you pay you feel less guilt and they learn loads being around other children and helps no end with confidence. That said, I am glad my DC got to spend that time with GP, I would just say get the balance right.

Loopylala7 · 27/08/2020 00:29

I would also add, if you’ve found a fab nursery, don’t loose out on the place by being indecisive. They are like gold dust.

Fromthebirdsnest · 27/08/2020 01:13

Honestly stick with nursery it rarely works out having family as the sole child care provider, what will you do if she gets ill or decides she doesn’t want to do it anymore or has last minute plans that mean she can’t have him ?if it’s one day the nursery may have a space but if you have nothing in place and she’s the sole child care then youl have to stay home and your work won’t be happy and that’s not at all fair on you , and also 3 days is a lot for a grandparent really youl be better of using child care plus youl have the benefit of him socializing with children his age and it’s consistent and have lots of staff so it’s still there if someone is ill .. stick to your guns op or tell your partner that it’s fine but if she lets you down then it’ll be his responsibility to look after his child and sort appropriate childcare x

Fromthebirdsnest · 27/08/2020 01:15

Your dh is slamming doors what a silly little man ! X

seayork2020 · 27/08/2020 03:11

I will admit if it was me I would have stuck to the agreed plan 1 day MIL and 2 days childcare - a husband having a tantrum is not enough to change (for me I am not saying for others)

one of the reasons I went back to work was so DS could go to childcare so he went 3 days then before school 4 days and my mum did 1 day, she offered more but for her sake we stuck with 1