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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil and childcare

124 replies

Binny36 · 25/08/2020 16:35

Mil told me she’s not able to look after little one when I go back to work. Fair enough I totally understand. She said she can do one day. She was very forceful that she wants to look after him but just not longer than 1 day. I totally get it and I get she wants one day with him alone so as she’s his grandma and loves him. I organised childcare for other 2 days and 1 day with her.

Off to work next week and husband sulking today that why am I putting LO in nursery when his mum said she wants to take care of him. He’s forcing me now to cancel childcare and leave lo with mil for 3 days as that’s what she wants now!

I’m really annoyed but don’t want to get anxious and spiral out of control again just before starting my new job.

What would you do in my position? I’m really sick of this, there’s never any clear communication. I asked her early on and respected her choice of one day. Her response is that he’s easier to look after now and just plays by himself. I feel really angry. It’s caused me to doubt myself now and whether childcare is good for him or will he be happier with one:one interaction with mil and Fil. They both love him dearly and I know they will look after him. But nursery also has benefits.

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 25/08/2020 17:40

Stick with nursery!

everythingbackbutyou · 25/08/2020 17:43

Nursery all the way. I am biased as I'm a childcare provider, but also mum of 3 kids who have been to various combinations of nursery part time/nursery full time/stay at home with me. Most kids actively look forward to going to nursery. The environment is geared especially towards them and there are so many activities they get to do that just aren't possible on a practical basis at home e.g. creative, messy things, group activities, social opportunities, playground equipment etc. etc.

Devlesko · 25/08/2020 17:45

jennifer

Aw, think nothing of it hun x I don't see how it could have helped you though, maybe have the same problem?

everythingbackbutyou · 25/08/2020 17:46

FWIW, I think your original plan has the perfect balance. Also, and just as important, nursery will have benefits for YOU in terms of resources the staff may be able to point you towards, access to support, and potential friendships for both you and your LO.

MagratsDanglyCharms · 25/08/2020 17:46

Point out the socialisation aspects for your DC; all children need time with their peers for normal social development! (at least that's what I'd be telling them both!)

BluePaintSample · 25/08/2020 17:46

How old is your child?

I would stick to the one day with PIL and 2 in nursery.

Firstly because it is rare that a GP has had a child solidly for 3 days week in week out and so hasn't figured in the impact on their lives. Secondly, just because your child plays by themselves now doesn't mean they won't be an absolute handful in 3 months time.

With 2 days in nursery, you can hopefully increase it to 3 if the need arises. It would be foolish to allow your MIL to do 3 days and for her to turn around, tell you it is too much and you have no alternative childcare. I have been on MN for 15 years, it happens more than you think.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 25/08/2020 17:50

She is already changing the goalposts. If she changes them again, you might be in a mess trying to find a nursery at short notice. Why didn't she tell you she changed her mind? Why didn't your husband understand that you were following her wishes? Has she looked after him 3 days in a row before? 3 days in a row with a toddler especially in a pandemic when lots of baby things are different eg online etc is going to be a LOT of hard work.

Personally I wouldn't want to leave him with someone who had already changed her mind about it before it even started and doesn't actually seem to communicate with you very well. I'd book him in a couple of days and if there is an issue with the nursery or your MiL does turn out to be amazing at looking after him then it will be easier for you to stop nursery and increase her days, than the other way around

Original poster
Binny36 · 25/08/2020 17:52

@Devlesko you’re not helping. Stop now. Go and find another thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
Binny36 · 25/08/2020 17:53

Thank u all. Yes nursery definitely. The point about just picking up and going is fantastic! With in-laws I would have to chit chat for at least half an hour, so so spot on! thanks x

OP posts:
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 25/08/2020 17:57

DH can call the shots when he does the organising. I hope he's going to share child costs and taking time off for when DS is ill, don't get lumbered with it all.

Frazzled2207 · 25/08/2020 17:58

Stick with the plan for now. MiL will find it exhausting. And if you give up the nursery you will be stuck when MiL gets ill.

ClementineWoolysocks · 25/08/2020 18:01

Has your husband put pressure on them to have him the three days instead of one?

FippertyGibbett · 25/08/2020 18:03

Stick with your plan.
It will be good for your child to mix with others, and if MIL ever can’t do it due to illness etc you are already in a good position to increase your days.

youwereagoodcakeclyde · 25/08/2020 18:07

Stick with plan and review at Christmas. Decide what you want. It’s lovely’s having GPs who want to be so involved, it often can be difficult to negotiate but if possible it is so worth it for the child (thinking of myself and my GPs who I spent regular time with and loved very much).

Viviennemary · 25/08/2020 18:07

That's absolutely the most sensible logical decision. Two days nursery and one day mil. And if she can't do it one week you can probably get your DC in nursery for the extra day. If you rely completely on mil you'll be completely stuck if she goes on holiday, changes her mind, isn't well that week.

Original poster
Binny36 · 25/08/2020 18:07

@ClementineWoolysocks no he didn’t put pressure. All I can think is maybe mil feels guilty. Or genuinely does find LO easier now. He’s still hard work so she will struggle 3 days.

OP posts:
ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 25/08/2020 18:08

I'd tell your DH that he is welcome to alter the childcare arrangements for his mum to have your LO for 3 days a week. BUT if she flakes or bails, he will have to take time off from his job until he can sort alternative care. You will not be taking any time off to do so.

Put it on him. I'm sure he'll zip it.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 25/08/2020 18:09

I am not sure why Devlesko is getting a hard time, I agree with them.

You made an arrangement with your MIL, it is your DH who is causing your anxiety and suggesting your somehow unreasonable for making plans to place your DC in a nursery for two days. Despite it being agreed with his mother already. She may have changed her mind, but your not a mind reader. The problem here is not you, stick with your plans and stop allowing these people to cause you this unnecesaray stress just as your return to work.

MoreListeningLessChatting · 25/08/2020 18:17

sulking husband?

Perhaps MIL could look after sulking husband whilst child goes into childcare?

ElsieMc · 25/08/2020 18:20

Just no op. Been there, done that. Keep your nursery place. MIL has already shown she cannot make up her mind. She could change it back again leaving you high and dry. Remember that she can also get sick and want to go on holiday. In a childcare setting, there is always cover.

My MIL did not want me to have a nursery place for dd so she was rude to the nursery staff. In fact, the first I was aware of this was when they actually asked me to stop her collecting dd.

She may well love your dd, but she has put pressure on your dh for you to change plans you have confidence in. She is undermining you and I have a feeling this may continue and escalate. What will happen when you have differences over meals, discipline etc?

Stick with your arrangements op. You need to feel confident in your childcare arrangements when you go back to work.

Beautiful3 · 25/08/2020 18:21

Honestly I'd stick with nursery. She can always have him at the weekend for a few hours if she wants.

Angelina82 · 25/08/2020 18:26

I’m guessing your son is still a baby, in which case I would personally much rather leave him with a trusted family member than pack him off to nursery. I do think 3 whole days is quite a big ask though and would worry that MIL might soon get fed up, especially if she’s expecting little one to play alone all day Confused

HappyDays10101 · 25/08/2020 18:28

Your MIL has shown she can’t be relied on re this, so would be much better to stick with nursery. The idea that now he can play by himself he’s going to be ‘easy’ to look after consistently from now on seems a little naive.

Also, what @Devlesko has said seems pretty spot on to me, and I wonder if that’s why they have hit a nerve? Though of course you might not be in the best place to deal with that right now.

tillytoodles1 · 25/08/2020 18:29

Keep your nursery place, after she's had him for three days, she'll realise one day is enough. Tell your husband it's too much for her, three days a week.

lanthanum · 25/08/2020 18:32

Stick wth nursery. If you use MiL for all the time, there's no back up if she's ill. Also, he may be easier to look after now than a few months ago, because he sits and plays, but before long he's going to be running about and it will be a lot harder again. Even those grandparents who are enthusiastic sometimes find it tough going once the child is toddling.

Tell her you're grateful for the offer to do more days, but he's going to be harder work once he's mobile, and it might be difficult to get a nursery place later on.
Say that you'll be very relieved if she can offer any backup if he can't go to nursery for any reason (eg some won't have them with conjunctivitis), and perhaps she could do an occasional other day for you to do Christmas shopping, etc...

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