Handing over my child to our abuser

[lostintheworld99]

I'm terrified. I've been in family court for 18 months now. Put forwards 10 allegations of abuse to the court. All found to be true. Physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Endangering our son. All sorts.

Ex strenuously denied any abuse throughout the whole of proceedings. Put us through a fact finding. Put me through a horrible cross examination.

Told cafcass before their report that it was all lies. That I had manipulated the court. That I had made it all up.

Told mutual friends and his family that I'm a liar.

Cafcass wrote their report. Said they could clearly see I was being truthful and that due to his complete and utter denial, that he is not suitable for a domestic abuse course, and that he's not safe around our child. They said he is only suitable for indirect access (letters etc).

Suddenly, he's had a change of heart, and has written a statement admitting everything. He's a manipulative, volatile, abusive shit. He's doing this to manipulate the court. Cafcass are now putting him forward for a course and commending his honesty (no mention of the 18 months of hell I've been through. The thousands I've paid defending my position for him to admit it all at the last minute).

He's going to get contact. I can feel it.

I'm terrified he's going to abuse our son.

How the hell do I cope? I'm so scared and angry.

Get some legal advice
I'm so sorry he is putting you though this

It's unlikely that the visits, if they're approved, would be unsupervised.

Oh god, I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through. I have no words of practical wisdom but just wanted to lend moral support. You should absolutely have the right to protect your son from this abusive piece of shit. I hope you find the right support and he is denied contact. You of course shouldn’t have to keep fighting given what’s gone on, but sounds like you may have to dig deep for the energy not to let it all overcome you.

@SmellsLikeFeet

Get some legal advice I'm so sorry he is putting you though this

I have no money left. Absolutely zero. I'm in so much debt because of these proceedings. He should have to pay for my costs because he has essentially admitted to lying the whole way through, but I've been advised that I would be wasting my breath even asking.

@NYMM

It's unlikely that the visits, if they're approved, would be unsupervised.

If he gets supervised visits and puts on a good enough act, it is completely likely that he will eventually get unsupervised.

Unsupervise contact is what is needed. Ok

@Babymamamama

Unsupervise contact is what is needed. Ok

What do you mean by this?

Sorry OP totally mistyped there. He needs supervised contact - in a contact centre. I can't imagine anything less than that would be approved. You sound so worried and it's understandable. But if he's supervised what he says and does is recorded or logged and if he's inappropriate the contact could be stopped.

Sorry for the other post my phone is glitchy.

So sorry, this is awful. If you have no money, might you qualify for legal aid?

Also, call Rights of Women - an amazing charity offering free legal advice on the telephone, for those who cannot afford to pay, manned by volunteer female lawyers. rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

Lines are very busy but keep trying: it is worth it.

I used to support women in these circumstances. He will probably get supervised contact initially. Just pray that he loses interest. Other than that do a bunk to Ireland. Different legal system and a long way to travel for contact. It's a bloody nightmare and the family courts are totally unfit for purpose. Have you spoken to rights of women?

The idea that supervised contact is this amazing vetting process is absolutely ludicrous. Any abuser knows just how to manipulate and play the long game. Being on best behaviour for a token amount of supervised visits is a walk in the park. I completely understand why you are so worried. I hope our system wakes up to this soon.

Get legal advice. You're right to worry about the worst case scenario. You must plan for it. If he gets access then state you want it supervised in a contact centre with supervision (you can request he pays and you can push this as it's his doing it's being used). You also can get reports from them regarding the interaction and this can guide CAFCASS/courts if it's to be extended.
He needs to go to his GP for more than just a course on his behaviours you want long term visibility he is working on it. You can request this and it wouldn't be seen as an extreme request, although he may not have to agree (it wouldn't look good if he didn't agree though).
You don't say how old your DC is. Having been through similar but not the extent you have you poor things) I also requested play therapy as my DC was so young. This helped enormously for both of us. Again request he covers the costs as this is long term or speak to your GP about assistance.
How does your DC feel about all of this? Are they of an age that they can say their wants?
I know the costs of these can nearly bankrupt you - see if your solicitor is willing to be helpful with how/timings of pay. From what you've written this won't be the end. It will be an interim measure until another final hearing. This gives a chance for the above to be put into place and see how it goes. You're doing amazing so far. x

How old is your son?

Do you have someone who can write a witness statement for you? Something cool, collected and factual setting out what they have seen of his behaviour and its affect on you and your child? I did something similar for a friend and it really helped i'm told. He has not seen his child for decades, though he wasn't clever/manipulative enough to pretend to throw himself on the mercy of the court. Good luck x

Our justice system is so flawed, this is terrifying.

Can you write a letter to the court at all?
Is moving an option?

@BurpingFrog

The idea that supervised contact is this amazing vetting process is absolutely ludicrous. Any abuser knows just how to manipulate and play the long game. Being on best behaviour for a token amount of supervised visits is a walk in the park. I completely understand why you are so worried. I hope our system wakes up to this soon.

This. Exactly this. Supervised contact is a stepping stone to unsupervised. Abusive men can turn their abusive behaviours on and off. Contact centre staff will no doubt adore him.

@rebecca102

How old is your son?

He's 22 months old.

@DeathstarDarling

Do you have someone who can write a witness statement for you? Something cool, collected and factual setting out what they have seen of his behaviour and its affect on you and your child? I did something similar for a friend and it really helped i'm told. He has not seen his child for decades, though he wasn't clever/manipulative enough to pretend to throw himself on the mercy of the court. Good luck x

I had all of this during a fact finding hearing. Two people turned up as witnesses. They were deemed credible and the Fact finding was pretty damning for him.

@Jellybeansincognito

Our justice system is so flawed, this is terrifying.

Can you write a letter to the court at all?
Is moving an option?

Writing a letter to the court won't do anything. It'll be pointless. I've already moved 200 miles away and still don't sleep properly as I am so scared he's going to turn up and do something to me.

Are social services involved op? If they’re not, can you speak to them for advice?

@Jellybeansincognito

Are social services involved op? If they’re not, can you speak to them for advice?

They were briefly but deemed that I was properly safeguarding my son and praised me for getting away and doing it the right way (women's aid helped me escape). They closed the case. They won't be able to help unless there's a case open.

The courts want to protect children. He has admitted abuse. I'd be amazed if he was allowed access.

@81Byerley

The courts want to protect children. He has admitted abuse. I'd be amazed if he was allowed access.

Honestly, the courts in England really aren't very good at protecting children. The family court system is not fit for purpose.

Which region approximately are you based? Could you relocate to northern or southern ireland? I know that seems drastic but I would. In a heartbeat.