Handing over my child to our abuser

[lostintheworld99]

I'm terrified. I've been in family court for 18 months now. Put forwards 10 allegations of abuse to the court. All found to be true. Physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Endangering our son. All sorts.

Ex strenuously denied any abuse throughout the whole of proceedings. Put us through a fact finding. Put me through a horrible cross examination.

Told cafcass before their report that it was all lies. That I had manipulated the court. That I had made it all up.

Told mutual friends and his family that I'm a liar.

Cafcass wrote their report. Said they could clearly see I was being truthful and that due to his complete and utter denial, that he is not suitable for a domestic abuse course, and that he's not safe around our child. They said he is only suitable for indirect access (letters etc).

Suddenly, he's had a change of heart, and has written a statement admitting everything. He's a manipulative, volatile, abusive shit. He's doing this to manipulate the court. Cafcass are now putting him forward for a course and commending his honesty (no mention of the 18 months of hell I've been through. The thousands I've paid defending my position for him to admit it all at the last minute).

He's going to get contact. I can feel it.

I'm terrified he's going to abuse our son.

How the hell do I cope? I'm so scared and angry.

They can offer you advice? Especially if they’ve briefly been involved, because they only didn’t continue as you left.

Now your son will be with his dad without you being able to protect him

You need to call a charity and speak to them, even for your emotional wellbeing.

I highly doubt he will get unsupervised contact.

Could you move again- Scotland?

Manipulative abusive shits manage to pull the wool all the time with SS/CAFCASS/FC.

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

My biggest piece of advice is to do everything you can to keep yourself mentally and physically well and together.

When I finally broke down my abusers we handed my children. No one believed a word I said because I’d finally mentally fallen apart and the two abusers put their heads together to make sure they were telling similar stories.

So - do everything you can to stay well as you move through this.

I am curious though - why do you not have legal aid?

They should be experienced enough to see that he's changed tactics last minute after reading the report to try and get what he wants because his previous strategy didn't work.

If they can't see how manipulative that is they shouldn't be in their profession.

Shit OP. There's no other word for it other than he's a cunt.
You're 200 miles away and can still bring you out in a cold sweat.

On the other side - in a reverse situation my friend is the Dad and he's desperately fighting for access for his DC. There is a court order - but every other week the Mum is "away" working so will ask Dad to drive 6 hours for a one hour visit, or the DC is "unwell" so can't attend, or "forgot" and basically fucks around so much that the Dad hasn't actually seen her. Courts have decided that she isn't breaking the rules.

If he does get granted access can you make it as difficult as possible. You're isolating due to COVID, you're on holiday so he will have to drive x amount of hours to meet halfway, or you're ill, or your son is ill - any excuse you can find each time there is meant to be access.

Just remember, you got away from him. He can no longer control you. You are free. Even though you will feel broken, and exhausted, just remind yourself every single day that you WON by leaving. He will never abuse you again.

@Cannotcope4223

Which region approximately are you based? Could you relocate to northern or southern ireland? I know that seems drastic but I would. In a heartbeat.

I can't. I have a job and family here. I can't just move like that.

@LaLaLandIsNoFun

Manipulative abusive shits manage to pull the wool all the time with SS/CAFCASS/FC.

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

My biggest piece of advice is to do everything you can to keep yourself mentally and physically well and together.

When I finally broke down my abusers we handed my children. No one believed a word I said because I’d finally mentally fallen apart and the two abusers put their heads together to make sure they were telling similar stories.

So - do everything you can to stay well as you move through this.

I am curious though - why do you not have legal aid?

I don't have legal aid because I own a house. THAT HE STILL LIVES IN whilst I pay rent elsewhere.

OP have you double checked the legal aid situation? OK I know you probably have, but I ask this as I had a kind of similar situation:

About a yr after I'd left my ex and started renting and successfully claiming Housing Benefit, the council suddenly decided I wasn't eligible as I had an interest in a property - the one he'd stayed in and had immediately changed the locks on when I left! I rang Shelter for advice and they referred me to a charity which dealt with HB appeals, who successfully argued my case very quickly, HB reinstated plus backlog.

So I'd say ring Shelter for advice on yr legal position re the marital/shared property.

@lockdownbreakdown

I used to support women in these circumstances. He will probably get supervised contact initially. Just pray that he loses interest. Other than that do a bunk to Ireland. Different legal system and a long way to travel for contact. It's a bloody nightmare and the family courts are totally unfit for purpose. Have you spoken to rights of women?

@lockdownbreakdown Does the advice offered by Rights of Women apply in Scotland please under the different legal system there?

So sorry to hear this OP. I have a friend of a friend going through this exact same situation in Scotland. The man is an absolute shit and has put his young daughter and his ex wife through hell, firstly via the abuse and now via the Courts (who seem to approve it, it's the only explanation I can see for the frankly bonkers judgement handed down) FoF if thinking of leaving the country. The child has clearly and consistently described severe abuse in a number of ways and nothing has been done. It's beyond horrible.

OP, I hope your situation works out better for you xxx

Christ, I’m sorry. I really am

@lostintheworld99
Oh yikes...That's awful.
I'm shocked that the legal side is costing you, Divorces cost, but if you are escaping an abuser, it seems so unfair that you have to pay to protect yourself and your DC.

Hopefully the abuser will have to have supervised contact only.
Surely NO court would allow a potentially dangerous man even part time care of a vulnerable young child? 🤔

It doesn't seem likely that they would.
Try not to panic in advance.

[quote oakleaffy]@lostintheworld99
Oh yikes...That's awful.
I'm shocked that the legal side is costing you, Divorces cost, but if you are escaping an abuser, it seems so unfair that you have to pay to protect yourself and your DC.

Hopefully the abuser will have to have supervised contact only.
Surely NO court would allow a potentially dangerous man even part time care of a vulnerable young child? 🤔

It doesn't seem likely that they would.
Try not to panic in advance.[/quote]
It happens and that's how children end up injured or dead. I've been to domestic abuse conferences and have met the people it has happened to. It's truly horrific.

Why can't you sell the house?

Op why is he living in your house? Is it his too?

I'm so sorry op. I am a gp carer and went through this ten years back with my gs's father. We had a finding of fact and I was not believed. We were in complete shock. I had apparently made it up to end contact. The same contact I had helped with until he became violent (again). I am still very sensitive about being believed in general.

There are always posters who want to believe the best of the family justice system. I did once. Those who mention supervised contact only, well supervised contact is the slippery slope to unsupervised contact because that is what it is for. To re-introduce contact in a safe environment. Ours was supervised to unsupervised, the supervised again.

He already had three convictions for abh, criminal damage, drink driving etc. But the Judge said it was youthful indiscretion and that drink driving was commonplace.

He began offending again , abh, gbh and contact moved back to supervised by his parents. But I never classed that as supervised. His probation officer raised concern about escalation of violence and lack of remorse.

As for my grandson, well at 16 he refused point blank to ever go again. Miserable, enforced contact does not result in a good relationship with a father or paternal family whatever CAFCASS tell you. He tells me that it is as though it never happened and he has got his life back.

I am not really helping here op am I. The social worker involved (not cafcass who were terrible) did always say to me that those who make the most fuss about contact often fell away when the reality hit home. What she meant was that it was more about winning and controlling than any real care for the child. I wish you the best.

I know you've said you're in debt for legal advice. But if there's any way you can get a solicitor now is the time. Sell what you can sell, call in favours, beg family and friends.

When you say 'you' own the house is it in your sole name? Can you raise a 2nd mortgage on it? (I'm in the US so know nothing about UK mortgage stuff). Is there any way to get him out? I understand why you certainly have no desire to move back in but can he be made to leave?

Again, I'm in the US but here if you own a house (jointly) and your STBX refuses to leave they generally don't count the house against you as an asset for govt programs. They deem it 'of no true value' as you can't sell or rent it out. The UK doesn't do that?

I don't have legal aid because I own a house.

Urgh.
They must have changed the rules?
When we divorced, {Husband wasn't abusive} there was a charge put against the house that I have only recently paid off.

If one owns property, in a way one is screwed.
I know legal aid has been cut...Brother {no abuse there} couldn't get legal aid either, as he owns a house.

It is awful that your abuser is still in your house- I hope it gets resolved..''This too shall pass''

No wonder you are fuming/terrified though. What a b@stard.

He’s being controlling by not allowing you to sell/ buying you out?

I’m sure I’ve read that this is a form of control?

The courts want to protect children. He has admitted abuse. I'd be amazed if he was allowed access.

Then you are in denial about the way the courts work. They deem contact with parents to be more important than anything else.

I'm so sorry OP, I really hope it will tunr out OK for you.

Surely NO court would allow a potentially dangerous man even part time care of a vulnerable young child?

They do it every day. I have known fathers who have set fire to their children's mothers be granted access to their children.

I can see a few people have asked about Rights of Women - did you say you had already made enquiries with them OP?

rightsofwomen.org.uk

Also the suggestion of asking Shelter about the housing situation seems sound.

A PP also mentioned about the "not being believed" thing and how it affects you , I can feel that in your desperation and I've had a similar thing myself - its almost like PTSD. I wish I could offer some concrete help, my stomach is literally churning for you I feel some of your pain and how brave you have to be

@lostintheworld99
Just don't allow it.
Don't take that risk.
Can the Courts really force you to comply?

Do parents get sent to jail for not allowing contact?- Surely they don't.

As PP said, it is your Ex who is probably just doing this to ''win''.
He may fall away if he does get any custody.

Trust your gut instinct.

This makes me furious. The bloody government under 'Austerity' destroyed the legal aid system. Justice now depends on wealth for a lot of people.

In an act of poetic justice, a conservative MP who voted for the legal aid 'reforms' (or destruction of access to justice for all), found he had to use up his entire life savings to pay for his defence against a rape charge (he was acquitted). He now says that in retrospect, he wishes he hadn't voted the way he did.

Jeez.....What I read here is unreal.

I must be very lucky not to be aware of these awful situations.
One would {like} to think that a Court would put the Child's needs {and safety} before anything else.

That is horrific shesaidshesleavingonasunday.

I am very sorry lostintheworld99, I hope that you are able to achieve justice in your case. Sending you good thoughts .