Handing over my child to our abuser

[lostintheworld99]

I'm terrified. I've been in family court for 18 months now. Put forwards 10 allegations of abuse to the court. All found to be true. Physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Endangering our son. All sorts.

Ex strenuously denied any abuse throughout the whole of proceedings. Put us through a fact finding. Put me through a horrible cross examination.

Told cafcass before their report that it was all lies. That I had manipulated the court. That I had made it all up.

Told mutual friends and his family that I'm a liar.

Cafcass wrote their report. Said they could clearly see I was being truthful and that due to his complete and utter denial, that he is not suitable for a domestic abuse course, and that he's not safe around our child. They said he is only suitable for indirect access (letters etc).

Suddenly, he's had a change of heart, and has written a statement admitting everything. He's a manipulative, volatile, abusive shit. He's doing this to manipulate the court. Cafcass are now putting him forward for a course and commending his honesty (no mention of the 18 months of hell I've been through. The thousands I've paid defending my position for him to admit it all at the last minute).

He's going to get contact. I can feel it.

I'm terrified he's going to abuse our son.

How the hell do I cope? I'm so scared and angry.

It is one thing admitting he was wrong or upset op, but unless he has categorically admitting the offence then it won't stand up in court. It depends on how it was written.

To me this seems like another form of abuse he is inflicting on her, getting to his victim in another way by frightening her. Her reaction would be what he would hope for, to knock her off balance, make her look unreasonable and more likely to make a mistake/flee in desperation etc.

The family court system is not fit for purpose, there is no justifying shit like this.

I would do as others have said and just not comply, don't send your child. If you are threatened with legal action go to your MP, the papers, wherever you can. Make noise.

Genuinely spiteful mothers are few and far between but the ones that are, manage to withhold contact indefinitely irrespective of court orders.

SS may be able to help if he is awarded contact as they will have grounds to believe DC is at risk again. If he does get (supervised) contact then go to them and raise your concerns.

Do you have a copy of the letter he sent to the court admitting the abuse? Take it to the police and press charges.

I'm so sorry OP I can imagine where your head is at with all of this going on.

I cannot add anything that others haven't already said.

Best wishes

If he has never been directly abusive to your son, then it may be possible he gets unsupervised, if evidence he has I doubt he would get that. A course would be good for him to do.

To the posters who are saying "Surely a court wouldn't jail a mother for withholding contact?", you're probably right.

However, the potential result is an even worse penalty: she is judged to be the alienating parent and the child is removed from her and sent to be with dad full time.

OP you should read Lundy Bancroft's book on documenting abuse and how to deal with evidence for court:

www.amazon.co.uk/Batterer-Parent-Addressing-Domestic-Violence/dp/1412972051/ref=nodl_
(I got it a lot cheaper than that from a secondhand bookseller site)

and maybe John E B Myers' excellent book which seeks to explain (not justify) why courts don't believe mothers:

uk.sagepub.com/en-gb/eur/a-mothers-nightmare-incest/book6508

Both American but if you arm yourself with a list of UK equivalent definitions it becomes easy to "translate".

The family court is not fit for purpose. Once the legal aid law changed, you could only get legal aid if you suffered violence in family matters. This led to a deluge in abuse claims, some of which were obviously false.
CAFCAS have an agenda before they even meet the parties involved. I have seen reports where they state that there has been parental alienation towards the NR parent, had found enough hole in the RP story to make a string vest and still denied the NR parent access.
Did you ever report him to the police OP? They should have documented evidence that the court could see.
There is a reason that family court is held behind closed doors, because the children they claim to protect rarely are!
I would bet that he will lose interest as soon as you show you’re not afraid to front him out anymore

OP I'm a family solicitor. I'm sure you've checked your eligibility for legal aid several times but just make sure now there's findings against him that you're not eligible even if you have to make a capital contribution. If you need him out of the house you could apply for an occupation order. You have options. I know it's exhausting.
If I was representing you I would be asking for the proceedings to be stayed until he had completed the course in full and was able to provide evidence from the course provider as to how much he engaged with the process. In the interim I would agree indirect contact only to promote the relationship and enable him to demonstrate a regular commitment. Often they get bored and don't bother, which is then grounds to delay or prevent direct contact in future.