Handing over my child to our abuser

[lostintheworld99]

I'm terrified. I've been in family court for 18 months now. Put forwards 10 allegations of abuse to the court. All found to be true. Physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Endangering our son. All sorts.

Ex strenuously denied any abuse throughout the whole of proceedings. Put us through a fact finding. Put me through a horrible cross examination.

Told cafcass before their report that it was all lies. That I had manipulated the court. That I had made it all up.

Told mutual friends and his family that I'm a liar.

Cafcass wrote their report. Said they could clearly see I was being truthful and that due to his complete and utter denial, that he is not suitable for a domestic abuse course, and that he's not safe around our child. They said he is only suitable for indirect access (letters etc).

Suddenly, he's had a change of heart, and has written a statement admitting everything. He's a manipulative, volatile, abusive shit. He's doing this to manipulate the court. Cafcass are now putting him forward for a course and commending his honesty (no mention of the 18 months of hell I've been through. The thousands I've paid defending my position for him to admit it all at the last minute).

He's going to get contact. I can feel it.

I'm terrified he's going to abuse our son.

How the hell do I cope? I'm so scared and angry.

It's awful he is disgraceful. Do you have close ties in the UK if not personally I'd run away start again.

@81Byerley

The courts want to protect children. He has admitted abuse. I'd be amazed if he was allowed access.

I wouldn't. The "child's right to see their father" is just code for 19th century fathers rights to gain access to women and children they've abused. The law as it's written is fine, however the truth of the application of that law is horrifying.

OP, YANBU.
I'm so sorry. 💐

Is there anyway at all you could move?

OP do you happen to know which domestic abuse course he’d have to complete? I’m in Scotland and the course men complete here also provides an allocated partner worker (and sometimes a child’s worker too). You would be given insight into how your ex was complying with the course and you’d have the opportunity to give your anonymous input. Your confidentiality should be protected. The professionals delivering the course should be well versed in analysing whether a participant is being manipulative or engaging meaningfully. A report would be provided back to the court and should be more analytical than just saying he turned up etc. That’s how it works here anyway. It’s absolutely not a full proof system and things aren’t great with the family courts here either. Try and remind yourself it’s a lot of hoops for him to jump through - I really hope he gets bored.

If OP moves out of the jurisdiction of the court then all abuser needs to do is make a Hague application to have child brought back into the jurisdiction (unless OP manages to move to a non-Hague jurisdiction)

Do you have a solicitor? You should have legal aid.
I’m surprised that a grovelling letter from him would be enough to put him on the course given that he’d previously denied everything. I’d assume that this was all lip service to get his own way.

The course in the UK would be “Building Better Relationships” which is done through Probation. Nothing will happen in court until he’s at least half way through. But again, I’m a bit taken aback that he’s been put forward for it, given what seems to have happened.

I'm so sorry you're having to endure this. I've been there so know the terror you feel. I was lucky that I got a judge who saw straight through my ex's bullshit and had no time for abusers. Ex left court with a flea in his ear and a court order banning him from coming any where near us. I hope your judge has the same wisdom.

Ah, I see you don’t qualify for legal aid and the circumstances. That’s utter shit, I’m sorry.

Can you move away?

This is a very scary situation to be in, I know from experience. Maybe it will ease your mind to know that succesful completion of a perpetrators programme is not as easy as writing a statement admitting to being an abuser. In our case, the man leading the programme pressed my ex hard on his 'admission' and found in the end that he had no empathy for the affects his actions had had on our children. I'm sure it was his testimony in court that convinced the judge not to award any contact.

I had a lawyer to do the hard work at that point so didn't have to argues all the points myself. But I think the main thing you can do is sticking by your position that he's doing this to get what he wants, not because he thinks he's done something wrong and keep pointing out whenever his mask is slipping.

I'm presuming family court is different to a criminal court? In which case can you not report him to the police based on his written confession and have him charged?

The family court was awful 30 years ago and is now beyond repair and failing hundreds of children.

A rapist who raped the childs mother (also a child at the time) has gotten access to the child after he left prison. Fathers who have been convicted for domestic abuse routinely get unsupervised access.

It's a massive joke and the damage done by lawyers using parental alienation as a charge against women who bring abuse allegations is untold.

The no of women being malicious is very tiny, just like in rape cases with false allegations but the no of women the legal system demonises and refuses to believe in all of these types of case, violence, domestic abuse and rape is extremely high. Look at the rape stats and convictions stats, domestic abuse cases stats are just as bad.

No real change is taking place and the government purposely removing funding from community groups, refuges and legal aid just shows what contempt they hold women in. Things are worse than they have been in decades.

I haven’t read all replies, but my «solution» was to just withhold the child. I would not send her. I phoned the «supervisor» in a total panic.
The upshot was that the court would not force contact. The downside to this is that I’m painted borderline psychotic in the court papers.
There were threats I would lose custody, though in our case there were two older siblings he had contact with. Safe to say the abuse he put them through was as bad as I feared. Even though one has finally severed all contact with the abuser the fallout on his and his brother’s (and our) mental health is devastating.
Be as blithe as you can, and do not follow through in any kind of agreements that are not court ordered. Just «forget» to sign papers. Be a bit ditzy and forget meetings, phonecalls. If in a NON-legal setting, you can «feel» that the time is not right just yet. No tangible reason need to be given. Stall, stall and stall. In a way, you have to think and behave like a narsissist/psychopath. IT is fucking exhausting, but you will hopefully protect your child.

I'm afraid I haven't read everything OP but, at the very least, you should pursue costs for the FFH.

Otherwise, I'm very sorry about everything you've been through. Push for no contact, at worst supervised in a contact centre (and no stepped arrangements). If the latter, you choose the centre, the hours (I'd suggest 2 hours, fortnightly), etc. and he pays. Emphasise him admitting his actions only after the FFH as a means to attempt to gain time with your child. Emphasise that he remains a clear risk to your child and that supervision in a contact centre may be inadequate to protect against emotional abuse or manipulation of your child.

" Cafcass are now putting him forward for a course and commending his honesty"*

Beggars belief imo.

He should be being penalised for lying-not fucking rewarded with the chance to see his son.

He has admitted physical, emotional & sexual abuse-why would it ever be thought that he should see his son?

And that money is paid to enable this?

His son shouldn't be anything other than protected from him imo.

If he has admitted abuse, then you should be getting full Legal Aid via the Domestic Abuse gateway. As long as it was within I think 3/4 years since you were with him.

Is it was, call round local solicitors and find one that accepts legal aid. They will claim it all for you

If he is allowed access he wouldn't be allowed access by himself, it would have to be supervised. I am sorry you are going through this and you are angry but the courts do protect.

I'm so sorry to read this and while it would be lovely to think that the family courts have only the children's safety and best interests at heart, they don't.

What they mostly seem to operate on is the principle that "children have a right to know and see their father" - regardless of how fucking dangerous that is.

And it's not just England either. Friend of mine is under Scottish law - her ex-H raped her older DD (not his) but still has full access to the younger DD (his) because "right to know her father".
Friend has been advised that any attempt to stop contact will result in prosecution against her.

It happens to so many women - it's actually now a real surprise when the courts listen and understand that the man is a real danger, not just to the mother, but potentially to the children too.

But women just aren't listened to - they're all dismissed as bitter harpies who just want to stop their exes from seeing their children, as is their right and the child(ren)'s right.

It's ridiculous.
I hope you can manage to find a way to get him stopped - or that you get a sane judge on the day who is very clear on how awful he is.

I can only imagine - but hold firm. Contact hasn’t been granted yet. Fight and stand firm but don’t let your hard won mental wellbeing and anxiety about this go down the tube.

Get every available advice and charity and tell them what is going on too. There are people campaigning to get this ridiculous system that doesn’t adequately protect children more fit for purpose. I believe you that they are not always but you have kept him away so far, so keep going. And lots of hugs

What would happen if you just didn’t take your child to the access place? I know there is a risk of legal action but honestly, will the courts really put a mum in prison and give access to a father who has abused her and the child? I can’t see it happening.

Does he know where you live? What is the chances of him driving 200 miles for access?

Who is paying the bills on the house? Seems unfair that he is living in a property that you own. Is there anyway if getting him out of it?

I know you feel panicked by this change of heart, tactics should I say, but he is a long long way ever being able to access his child in an unsupervised way. He actually needs to complete the course in the first instance, which is questionable as to whether he will, and then he will be reviewed. At the very very most he might get a few hours at a contact centre but that is it, and even that seems remote.

How old is your child op?

Please just try to take a deep breath, as stressful as this is the best way to manage is to try and keep calm, and think clearly. Of course he might be just saying this in order to scare you, so as much as I understand why you are worried, it is very unlikely given what has happened op.

Crowd fund extra legal help if you need it.

for you op

Surely if he admits sexual abuse he goes to jail ?

Can I also check if he was charged with assault? Sexual assault? Are there police call outs on record to your address? And has been convicted of any of the above? Is there corresponding medical evidence or witnesses?

Just checking where you are with actually prosecuting him/and or the cases with the police as this is relevant.