Would you forgive parents who don't turn up to your wedding?

[CoconutsHaveWaterInThem]

I don't know where to begin or what I'm really looking for...

I had a super small budgets wedding recently and to the lead up to my wedding my mother thought the wedding was all about her. She never talked about anything to do with me it was always what she's going to wear, the earrings, shoes, how she's going to pose for photos, even wanted me to hire a expensive limo just so she and my dad could take photos! Everything has to be documented on social media for all her "friends".
(Any gifts that were given to her she never said thank you to you directly, she would post about it on her social media and thanked you on there)

The back story is that they were very controlling as kids (late 20s now) and very physically abusive, no hugs or kisses and they never said I love you or made you feel loved (I hug and kiss and say i love you to my kids every single day because of how they treated me)
Anyway back to the wedding and like I said everything was about my mother and father in few days after I told them I was getting married they had already bought their suit and outfits. My husband and I told her the colour scheme we were wanting our bridesmaids and groomsman to wear and so she quickly bought the same colour schemed outfit for herself and my fathers shirt and tie and I actually told her off about it and said I only intended on our bridesmaids and groomsmen to wear them and she didnt speak to me for a week but returned the clothes. We then chose another colour scheme and didn't tell her in case she did it again. (Petty of me, I know)

So 2 weeks before my wedding (not in the u.k) a bridal party member had flu like symptoms so had to get covid tested. I casually said to her if she is positive (it came back negative) then she obviously can not come to the wedding because for obvious reasons we don't want anyone there who is sick. My mother then said basically that because they are working (we are working and all the guests are still working) they are more at risk of getting corona virus so shes going to do me a "favour" and not come to the wedding so we don't blame them for making everyone sick at the wedding. I just said to her that that's not what I was meaning at all but she said she and my father are still not going to attend. During this whole time I found out they had been bad mouthing me to everyone saying that I had said that THEY were "dangerous" to attend our wedding and I was controlling for trying to make them get a covid test- I have never said that and this conversation never ever took place i swear on my kids lives!

So a couple of days before the wedding I asked them if they were still not coming and they said no and continued to bad mouth me to everyone that they knew I told them I would never speak to them again and that they couldn't psychically abuse me any more so they think they can emotionally abuse me now which is not going to happen and we haven't spoken since.
Again I think I'm just venting but how could I move on from this what did I do wrong for them to just push me away like this and not to love me because all my life she would just start a fight as it seems she thinks its funny to cause people pain emotionally. Not sure how I could pander her but maybe I am being unreasonable

Sounds like a lucky escape, I hope you had a wonderful day

I'd just avoid contact with them for a while, and let them make the first move.

If wedding was overseas to them, may have been quarantine concerns, might have been the realisation they weren't centre stage of the day - who knows/cares?
A period of not being in touch with them will probably be healthy, let you establish boundaries, realise that life without them or contact with them is fine, and for them to adjust as well.
If they don't make first move and you want to get back in touch, break the ice with a non-committal christmas card/birthday card next year - but draw back if they go OTT with the 'me me me' drama.

They really don't sound like a positive element in your life - as you enter a new phase of your life it sounds like a good time to make a break - no contact for a while will help establish that.

Your parents sound toxic, you should spend a lot less time with them and a lot more time with people who clearly care about you

For your sake I badly hope they don't turn up, OP. Friend's parents did this kind of bad-mouthing crap and then DID turn up & tried to ruin the celebrations.

this conversation never ever took place i swear on my kids lives! this sort ofhrase should stop when you go into year 7!

let them get on with it, the relief you'll feel is immense. Ignore them and everything they do. You dont have to justify anything you you think, say or do. Good luck

I did have a wonderful day! My father in law walked me and my kids down the aisle so that was very kind of him to step up!

Have a read up on Facebook of holistic psychologist and Mel Robbins. I have found their advice challenging but it’s really helping me heal the impact of childhood stuff on me. I had spent a lot of time (& counselling) getting to the bottom on how I felt about what happened in my childhood and felt I had come as far as I wanted to understanding my viewpoint of what happened in the past - but I still felt trapped in a cycle of being really affected by it despite working hard and mostly managing to achieve now the life I always wanted. The concepts of my own emotional addiction (constantly running historical interactions that hurt me though my head again and again and again was a classic sympton of this for me) and that the desire for my viewpoint to be heard, understood and valued by others was a symptom of my damaged ego were really challenging but recognising that’s what is going on for me is like the final pieces of the jigsaw are visable now. Lots of healing still to be done and I’m still working through the “reparenting” approach they recommend (where as an adult you can find ways to give yourself the support you didn’t have available but needed from parents as a child) but I have the begins of an inner peace which has never felt obtainable before.

Sorry, that turned into a long essay recommendation! From what you describe, this sounds a classic case of you’ll never change their behaviour but you can definitely change its impact by adapting your reactions to it. Look up “medium chill” and “grey rock” for strategies to help change your reaction to make you feel more in control and less impacted. Also look up “flying monkeys” with regard to what they choose to say to relatives.

Hope you have a lovely wedding day.

Sorry crossed posts. Sounds like you had a lovely day.

@OfficialLurker I definitely will look it all up.
They have a way to belittle you all the time and make you feel like you're a child again despite being almost 30! If I did anything its never good enough. For example, to get you a sense of how low and competitive they can be (mainly my mother) if I bought a new toaster they would compare it to their toaster and how their toaster is much better or if my toaster was $59 and theirs cost $99 therefore my toaster is crap and I'm too poor to buy a more expensive toaster 🙄

I could never forgive them, but we have a completely different relationship to what you describe here. I think that you were better off without them and you were able to actually enjoy your life. Congratulations!❤️

Wedding day, not life. Way too early

No I wouldn’t. You can’t choose your family. Your in laws sound much more caring. Make good friendships, be in contact with safe family members and your in laws. Your mother is highly toxic.At a minimum fo low contact and tell her nothing about your life. Perhaps make a list of safe topics fo discuss and don’t let her deviate from this. I’m a bit less sure about your dad but at the end of the day, he also went along with the plan. Therapy helped to deal with my mother. Allow yourself a period of no contact. If that feels right, you really don’t have to have her in your life.

@readingismycardio Thank you ❤

@Mummyoflittledragon Yes he isn't totally innocent he has said things about me but not as much as my mother. We don't have the greatest relationship as he was the main abuser in my childhood which I haven't forgotten about but chose to move past. But there is nothing in the world that would stop me from going to my children's wedding.

They have no respect for you, their own flesh and blood. I'm really sorry you've been dealt that hand, but for the sake of your wellbeing you should grey rock and pursue healthier relationships. As others have suggested I think you would benefit from reading materials which help you to understand your relationship and why it has ended up this way because it will probably bring you more confidence as well as learn tactics to use against them.

Firstly, congratulations OP. I hope you have a great future together.
In the circumstances you describe, I would have a hard time forgiving my parents, if I could ever forgive them at all.
I would have a serious think about what they're bringing to the table. In your case it seems like nothing but ill feeling and upset.
I wouldn't say to cut them out of your life due to your children. I would however, maintain a low level civil contact.
They sound awful.

@Boomerwang Thank you I will most definitely look them up.

Thank you everyone, although its been over a month since the wedding it still plays on my mind everyday and some outsiders perspective is good.

I just have never understood why they treat their children like that and toy with emotions.
Since I got my first job I have never needed their help financially then when I moved out soon after with my now husband I never asked for anything. This actually isn't the first time I have cut contact over their pettiness and abuse i only started talking to them when I had my first child as I thought they had changed. In between then and now they have constantly done things to me that I let blow over as I don't like to cause drama over nothing but I think this has pushed me too far. 3 out of their 4 children now don't speak to them... I wonder why...

@SummerPoppies funny thing is that my children (both under 3) dont even like them my oldest child seems to have some kind of bad senses about them despite my parent buying them lots of presents my child has told me herself before all of this that she doesn't like them so I think this is a blessing in disguise. That's their way of thinking they think they can buy my kids love which doesn't seem to work so now I don't have to force myself to take my kids to their house to see them!

Read 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward, get some therapy/counselling, and maybe check out the Stately Homes threads.

You need to take a big step back from your parents; whether that's low contact or no contact is for you to work out. Definitely take a break from engaging with them for a while.

That should make it easier for you to maintain a civil distance @CoconutsHaveWaterInThem
If your children don't want a relationship with them.
Good luck.🙂

There is a whole back story to my dh and his mother, he was mainly raised by his GP’s (thank goodness). She didn’t come to our wedding and for him that was the final straw of rejection and he hasn’t spoken to her since, we have been married over 15 years and our children don’t even know that she exists.

Sorry they're so so afwul to you.

The grey rock method might help avoid things like the toaster conversation.

Sounds like it might be best to avoid them in future, for your sake and for the sake of your children.

It must have sucked. On your day !! Big time
But maybe now it is time to realise that being related by blood is not enough to be mum and daughter and have a healthy relationship. Ban her. From your life as much as you can. To protect yourself from her x

@IggyAce Yes that's exactly what I feel like, rejected. I have spent my whole life trying to make them proud which they never acknowledged. Bought our own home young, a child soon after then another a couple of years later and nothing I though they would be happy with us finally getting married but it has brought nothing but jealousy and bitterness for them. I'll try and move on.

Thanks @ChikiTIKI yes my child hasn't even mentioned them so it's no loss for her she loves her other grandparents a lot more its quite obvious which my parents never liked so they tried to buy her love with presents but it didn't work. Such a shame as i never grew up around any grandparents and I thought I could change this but I can't change their behaviour. Still makes me upset but I'll need to do what's best for me and my family thanks again everyone!

@Yeahnahmum I'll admit I actually felt incredibly embarrassed and that my fsther in law walked me down instead so I couldn't avoid the conversation so told our guests and they were just shocked especially over what it was over! But then I realised that I shouldn't be the one feeling embarrassed and its THEM who should be embarrassed.

You are super right op. THEY should be embarrassed by mistreating you the way they did. You have nothing to be ashamed off. Nor embarresed by (besides having them behaving the way they did i guess) but yeah. This isnt you. This is t h e m !! Dont forget that

The wedding is irrelevant. Totally irrelevant.

Would I forgive for what sounds like a horrible childhood and parents that now spread lies about me and bas mouth me?

No

Their Non attendance At your wedding is a gift