Would you forgive parents who don't turn up to your wedding?

[CoconutsHaveWaterInThem]

I don't know where to begin or what I'm really looking for...

I had a super small budgets wedding recently and to the lead up to my wedding my mother thought the wedding was all about her. She never talked about anything to do with me it was always what she's going to wear, the earrings, shoes, how she's going to pose for photos, even wanted me to hire a expensive limo just so she and my dad could take photos! Everything has to be documented on social media for all her "friends".
(Any gifts that were given to her she never said thank you to you directly, she would post about it on her social media and thanked you on there)

The back story is that they were very controlling as kids (late 20s now) and very physically abusive, no hugs or kisses and they never said I love you or made you feel loved (I hug and kiss and say i love you to my kids every single day because of how they treated me)
Anyway back to the wedding and like I said everything was about my mother and father in few days after I told them I was getting married they had already bought their suit and outfits. My husband and I told her the colour scheme we were wanting our bridesmaids and groomsman to wear and so she quickly bought the same colour schemed outfit for herself and my fathers shirt and tie and I actually told her off about it and said I only intended on our bridesmaids and groomsmen to wear them and she didnt speak to me for a week but returned the clothes. We then chose another colour scheme and didn't tell her in case she did it again. (Petty of me, I know)

So 2 weeks before my wedding (not in the u.k) a bridal party member had flu like symptoms so had to get covid tested. I casually said to her if she is positive (it came back negative) then she obviously can not come to the wedding because for obvious reasons we don't want anyone there who is sick. My mother then said basically that because they are working (we are working and all the guests are still working) they are more at risk of getting corona virus so shes going to do me a "favour" and not come to the wedding so we don't blame them for making everyone sick at the wedding. I just said to her that that's not what I was meaning at all but she said she and my father are still not going to attend. During this whole time I found out they had been bad mouthing me to everyone saying that I had said that THEY were "dangerous" to attend our wedding and I was controlling for trying to make them get a covid test- I have never said that and this conversation never ever took place i swear on my kids lives!

So a couple of days before the wedding I asked them if they were still not coming and they said no and continued to bad mouth me to everyone that they knew I told them I would never speak to them again and that they couldn't psychically abuse me any more so they think they can emotionally abuse me now which is not going to happen and we haven't spoken since.
Again I think I'm just venting but how could I move on from this what did I do wrong for them to just push me away like this and not to love me because all my life she would just start a fight as it seems she thinks its funny to cause people pain emotionally. Not sure how I could pander her but maybe I am being unreasonable

YANBU OP.
They sound like spiteful, attention seeking, bitter people.

Take a brief look at the relationship and what positives they bring to your life. I bet you struggle. Tbh I got to an age where I just couldn’t take anymore bullshit from my family. Life’s too short. Who needs people constantly bringing you down. Only negative influence. No joy or love.

Take a step back. You don’t have to forgive this. It’s a massive kick to the guts. Focus on the things in your life that bring you happiness. Forget the things that don’t. Be free to move on and block them out. Good luck.

YANBU.
You do need to grieve the loss of the relationship. As toxic as it was it was your relationship with them and you have to work through the loss.
It takes time,but you will get through it. Just remind yourself of the family unit you have now and how thus is what it's meant to be like.
Give yourself time. It is like a death.

@derxa

I think the whole situation is bizarre. You told them they couldn't wear a certain colour of clothing? who does that ? (genuine question). Are weddings 'colour coordinated' these days? I'd be annoyed if I had bought a new outfit only to be instructed to return it. Yes it's a bit much.

I agree with that-sounds very odd of you to me, Op.

Yet them not turning up at the wedding is what you are fixed on-not years of abuse, lies & their general nastiness?

I'd be glad that they weren't there, but they would have been gone years ago!

You didn't do anything wrong as a kid and you haven't done anything wrong now. They are cunts and feed off of making other people miserable and uncomfortable.

Just because they are your parents doesn't mean you owe them anything. If it were a stranger, acquaintance or friend treating you this way you wouldn't put up with it would you.

I've long come to realise that my mum doesn't actually love me in a maternal way - it's more the prestige of having links to fairly successful people with busy lives that she can engross herself in and make judgement on.

She used to beat the shit out of me as a kid and it only stopped when I got big enough to fight back. Yet she has the audacity to comment on my parenting when I so much as raise my voice to my son. It's funny to me though because I am the most fiercely loyal and protective person with those I love and I would never dream of hurting anyone the way she did me.

I only have contact because of the GC (no concerns there) but I see her as simply that, the children's GM rather than my DM.

Coming to this realisation really has given me the upper hand. Sure she pisses me off no end but she can't ever hurt me again emotionally or otherwise.

I hope you find some peace.

Congratulations, sounds like you had a wonderful day.

I think you should consider what you are actually getting out of a relationship with them. They sound horrendous, and you sound as if they have conditioned you to be fearful of them and their reaction. This is the time to make changes, you are married now, and can start a new part of your life, with a lot less influence (or no influence) from your parents. You will feel much better if you can reach a place where you are less dependent on their approval, and care much less about what they are doing or saying.

Cut the ties to them, or at least cut them back. No need to have them so involved in your life, don't tell them what the toaster cost for example, don't see them so often, reduce communication with them, block your mother on social Facebook etc. Read up on grey rocking and start doing this, if you cannot avoid contact completely.

You have no obligation to them, you do not owe them anything. Don't give them the time or headspace. They didn't want to come to your wedding, maybe they did you a favour in helping you realise how toxic they are, and how to go forward into a more positive future with less or none of their influence.

Try and turn the incredulity and hurt into recognising a bullet dodged. You sound mentally healthy just upset and angry. Keep it that way by cutting ties with them now. Send the toys back and go NC. It hurts like hell the first year but once it's the norm, life will be so so much better.

My DMum was abused like this by her mother. She could not go NC and her MH was affected badly throughout her life as a result. Break free. Have a much nicer life as a result. You can't change them.

The colour issue suggests there is very much another side to the story

My Dad never turned up to my wedding, which meant my mum couldn't come. No, I never forgave him. It was unforgivable. Destroyed my wedding and the memories of it ever after.

and very physically abusive
If they were actually physically abusive to you as a child then I don't understand why they're still in your life.

"I only have contact because of the GC (no concerns there) but I see her as simply that, the children's GM rather than my DM"

I must admit I find that strange.

She doesn't deserve to see your kids!

3 out of their 4 children now don't speak to them... I wonder why...

That says it all, really doesn’t it? I would look upon this current NC period as a wedding gift to yourself and just extend it to include the rest of your life. Cut them out and I am sure you will find you are happier. Are you close with the other siblings? Lean on them for support as they have already gone through this. Maybe look into some counselling? And congratulations on your wedding!

@KaptainKaveman

I think the whole situation is bizarre. You told them they couldn't wear a certain colour of clothing? who does that ? (genuine question). Are weddings 'colour coordinated' these days? I'd be annoyed if I had bought a new outfit only to be instructed to return it.

Is this the thing above everything else that seems relevant to you? The OP was physically abused by her parents as a child, she is now emotionally abused by them. The colour of clothing is not really the most relevant point in all of this is it?

And can you imagine not attending the wedding of someone you are supposed to love just because they asked you not to wear a certain colour?

This isn't a bridezilla thread, this is someone whose parents have treated her appallingly.

Poor you op, how awful. I am very sorry you had an abusive childhood and your parents behaved appallingly and are obviously still abusive. Traumatic as it is, it’ll probably be better for you in the long run if you cut off from them. The abuse would likely carry on so you are better without them.

Thank you everyone I have read and appreciated all your advice and kind words.
I like the poster who has said to consider cutting them off the best wedding gift to myself. I need to stop thinking about their behaviour and focus on my family and those who love me and actually care about me.

Those still hung on the colour of the clothing (which this isn't really about i just put it in to tell all about a xontrolling aspect of hers) she does this all the time for every family event. Birthdays, baptisms, Christmases. The lot. It's always about her and what she wants if you say to her that the kids are wearing a certain colour for their birthday as an example she will go out of her way to dress in the same colour as them then take loads of photos and post them on her social media as if it's her idea or whatever she may think she gets out of it. Despite it being just about the kids and making them look cute etc she makes it about her.
So I thought JUST FOR ONE DAY 😤😤 I just want this to be about me and control my own wedding.
If that makes sense.

@diddl it's rare that we see them but I am able to separate my relationship with her v that of her role as GM.

Unfortunately we also have a strained relationship (NC other than the occasional phone call) with my MIL due to cultural issues/inability to accept that her son has his own mind.

We manage these issues as best we can but mostly so we experience the least stress possible.

Our relationship with our kids is totally different and that's all we need.

focus on my family and those who love me and actually care about me.

Exactly, if you don't entertain her nonsense she will eventually realise she has no control.

I wouldn;t invite anyone to my wedding that had physically abused me. A few people that were there were borderline for me but I invited them to avoid family rows. I am now NC with all of those people and my life is the better for it.

Step into the sunshine OP. Bin them off and stop contact with your DC. People that are too toxic for you are definitely too toxic for DC. Make a clean break from the narcs.

Congratulations on your wedding and even bigger congrats on cutting them off. I’m almost 50 and have only just found the courage to do the same recently, my only regret is not doing it much much sooner. I do agree with a pp who said it is like a death and you have to grieve it, it will take time. The rejection of parents is painful and it is something that you need to acknowledge as part of the grieving process, in my experience, that was on them, there was nothing you could do about it and accepting that it was not your fault can take a while to get to. Good luck

Your Mum is prob a narcissist or has one of the Cluster B personality disorders. Her behaviour is by the playbook. They needed to make it all about themselves so she created a drama. She uses guilt to condition you. Read up on it and I bet you'll be amazed at how your situation is the norm for these sort of people. Hopefully then you can get some insight and break free of the toxic cycle. What she did is unforgivable.

I think this is their loss OP and personally I'd go NC.

Just to clarify on the physical abuse - you mentioned that they failed to give you physical attention as a child. This would be physical neglect rather than physical abuse as this literally means physical contact intended to hurt. Physical neglect refers to not giving a child the necessary contact they need. If you're talking about it in future, I hope that helps for your suffering to be understood properly by others.

As PP have said, they are toxic people and they will not bring any happiness to your life. It sounds like you have all the love you need with your new family.

YANBU.
Sorry to hear you went through all that as a child and the run up to your wedding. Personally I think it was a good thing they didn’t go to your wedding because they may have ruined your special day.
I have a very similar experience with my mum growing up. my dad wasn’t around. Later found out it was because my mum never showed up to court dates and basically didn’t allow it to happen. I have a good relationship with my dad now.
I wouldn’t want my mum at my wedding because I know she would ruin it especially after she’s had a drink. It’ll be over something like I’m not mingling with her enough or something silly. Plus most the other family don’t get on with her either.
I remember when I told her I was pregnant with my first her first words were “F**k off” she asked if I was serious I said yes and she said she wasn’t ready to be a nan and that I’ve added 10 years to her. For about a week she was upset because I made her feel older. I wasn’t surprised by this reaction tbh because I know how she is but ever since then I’ve become more impatient with how she is. I have counselling now to try and learn coping mechanisms etc as it’s getting very difficult to even be around her without it triggering past emotions. I’m 30 now and recently when I last saw her I was getting extremely anxious, heart palpitations and feeling nervous like had to be careful what I did or said. It was like for the first time those feelings weren’t normal and I definitely noticed.
I think sometimes, just because they’re blood related, you don’t have to keep them in your life. It’ll be best for you and your children to either be finished with them all together or keep contact very limited.
I hope you get to a point where it doesn’t affect you anymore.
All the best x

They sound awful: controlling, selfish, spiteful, childish, hateful.

Don’t worry that they didn’t go or that they tried to talk about you: I’m sure people can see through them and think ‘yeah couldn’t blame her if she didn’t want them there’.

If someone is slagging off their own daughter and complaining they weren’t welcome at her wedding, you can bet people are wondering what the real story is and what they did to cause that.

Sounds like you had a lovely day with people who care about you :)

If it were me I would be very much distancing myself from the parents. It must be very hurtful for you to be on the receiving end of their horrible behaviour, and it is very, very unfair. Unfortunately some people are playing out their own psychodramas on those around them and haven’t reached a level of emotional maturity and self-awareness that spares others their issues. It sounds like you’ve done an amazing job creating a happy, functional life and breaking away from their abusive dynamics. That’s an admirable achievement.

Sending to you OP. All the best for the future for you and your DH.

Sorry to tell that but your parents sound toxic. I think there is nothing you lose because of them not turning up to your wedding, there is nothing to be ashamed of either, they were treating you really bad. Think about it as of a beginning of something new for you. You can send them a smartshow 3d slides with your best wedding pics to show what they have missed though, if you wish. Or don't send anything at all! On the other hand, they don't really deserve it.

@FloreanFortescue yes I understand the meaning of physical abuse. They definitely physically abused me. I've been thrown down a flight of stairs outside, had my head smashed against the wall, beaten with belts and other objects, smacked and punched. The list goes on. I don't know how any of them could treat a defenceless child like that. It hurts me to think about it all again but for years I have put it at the back of my mind until now :( the one time I did try to fight my dad back he kicked me in my ribs and I still have one of my floating ribs click in and out of place if I want it to.

[quote CoconutsHaveWaterInThem]@FloreanFortescue yes I understand the meaning of physical abuse. They definitely physically abused me. I've been thrown down a flight of stairs outside, had my head smashed against the wall, beaten with belts and other objects, smacked and punched. The list goes on. I don't know how any of them could treat a defenceless child like that. It hurts me to think about it all again but for years I have put it at the back of my mind until now :( the one time I did try to fight my dad back he kicked me in my ribs and I still have one of my floating ribs click in and out of place if I want it to.[/quote]
I'm so sorry to hear that. That must have been a horrific childhood. I also have no idea what people gain from treating someone so vulnerable like that. I'm quite in awe of how you have maintained a relationship with them this long.