Would you forgive parents who don't turn up to your wedding?

[CoconutsHaveWaterInThem]

I don't know where to begin or what I'm really looking for...

I had a super small budgets wedding recently and to the lead up to my wedding my mother thought the wedding was all about her. She never talked about anything to do with me it was always what she's going to wear, the earrings, shoes, how she's going to pose for photos, even wanted me to hire a expensive limo just so she and my dad could take photos! Everything has to be documented on social media for all her "friends".
(Any gifts that were given to her she never said thank you to you directly, she would post about it on her social media and thanked you on there)

The back story is that they were very controlling as kids (late 20s now) and very physically abusive, no hugs or kisses and they never said I love you or made you feel loved (I hug and kiss and say i love you to my kids every single day because of how they treated me)
Anyway back to the wedding and like I said everything was about my mother and father in few days after I told them I was getting married they had already bought their suit and outfits. My husband and I told her the colour scheme we were wanting our bridesmaids and groomsman to wear and so she quickly bought the same colour schemed outfit for herself and my fathers shirt and tie and I actually told her off about it and said I only intended on our bridesmaids and groomsmen to wear them and she didnt speak to me for a week but returned the clothes. We then chose another colour scheme and didn't tell her in case she did it again. (Petty of me, I know)

So 2 weeks before my wedding (not in the u.k) a bridal party member had flu like symptoms so had to get covid tested. I casually said to her if she is positive (it came back negative) then she obviously can not come to the wedding because for obvious reasons we don't want anyone there who is sick. My mother then said basically that because they are working (we are working and all the guests are still working) they are more at risk of getting corona virus so shes going to do me a "favour" and not come to the wedding so we don't blame them for making everyone sick at the wedding. I just said to her that that's not what I was meaning at all but she said she and my father are still not going to attend. During this whole time I found out they had been bad mouthing me to everyone saying that I had said that THEY were "dangerous" to attend our wedding and I was controlling for trying to make them get a covid test- I have never said that and this conversation never ever took place i swear on my kids lives!

So a couple of days before the wedding I asked them if they were still not coming and they said no and continued to bad mouth me to everyone that they knew I told them I would never speak to them again and that they couldn't psychically abuse me any more so they think they can emotionally abuse me now which is not going to happen and we haven't spoken since.
Again I think I'm just venting but how could I move on from this what did I do wrong for them to just push me away like this and not to love me because all my life she would just start a fight as it seems she thinks its funny to cause people pain emotionally. Not sure how I could pander her but maybe I am being unreasonable

Just to add also the physical abuse could come anytime and for any reason such as coming home 10 minutes later than I was meant to or losing a shoe or not walking quick enough etc. No need. Just no need for it all. I would never ever hurt my kids the most is talk sternly to my daughter and even then I feel bad or mean about doing it as I always want my children's memories to be great and fun ones.

I bet you were hoping for one day when your parents could be everything that you wanted and focus on making your wedding day special for you. Your parents just aren't capable of that - and that they did all those things to you and you still speak to them is astonishing. You must be one amazing lady to have children of your own and a happy life with your husband despite how you were abused which was quite frankly unforgivable. However by not turning up to your wedding you had a wedding where you were not worried about what the might do or say and you were able to focus on your day exclusively - I'd consider that the best gift ever under the circumstances. Congratulations - please don't get in touch, you are worth so much more.

@FloreanFortescue me too. There's nothing i have gained from it at all. The one and only time I actually needed their help was when I was in labour with my youngest and I needed someone to look after my oldest child and they still had to bitch and moan about it and act as if it was such a hassle for them. Even if it was, I could have take my daughter with us to the hospital and waited for my in laws but they insisted I leave her with them. I just don't get it. So apart from that time I have never asked them for a favour before and especially after my youngest was born.

@HappySonHappyMum thank you. God if this was another poster I would be screaming wtf have you been waiting for!! Reading back on my pos1ts I'm horrified at their treatment and this is only a snippet of things they have done.

pop yourself onto the outofthefog website

This is definitely NOT you

She just needed the drama to be the centre of attention on a day when you would have been the centre.

Awful.

I always find it extraordinary that people remain in touch with those that abused them throughout their childhood and think they are still somehow entitled to access to their grandchildren.

I understand it to be they are still in the grips of an abusive relationship emotionally.

If you were truly disengaged, there is no way you would allow those that had abused you, access to your children.

I feel very sorry for those still caught up in that FOG.

"Is this the thing above everything else that seems relevant to you? The OP was physically abused by her parents as a child, she is now emotionally abused by them. The colour of clothing is not really the most relevant point in all of this is it?

And can you imagine not attending the wedding of someone you are supposed to love just because they asked you not to wear a certain colour?

This isn't a bridezilla thread, this is someone whose parents have treated her appallingly."

THIS. Well said @HUCKMUCK.

OP, I am sorry that your parents were (and still are) so horribly abusive to you. I hope you'll follow the advice in my earlier post and get support to detach and heal.

Oh op they don’t deserve you
A difficult childhood can affect you so much into adulthood too
But I’m wishing you well
I think a huge break form them would be a good starting point also don’t worry about what they say to others people have their own minds and I’m sure they have theirnown opinions on your parents and their actions
Go and live your life well

Concentrate on having a relationship with your siblings in terms of extended family although be wary as some unhealthy or toxic dynamics may emerge there sadly. You will not miss them.

Be kind to yourself!

sounds like you dodged a bullet there op-can u imagine what she would be like making the day all about her

youre well rid you dont need them in your life enjoy your family and be happy

Poor you, OP. As far as I can see the wedding is only a symptom of a much more serious problem. People in this position can sometimes spend a lifetime trying to make their parents love them and chasing their approval. Sometimes I think there's nothing in the world more powerful and painful than hope.

This is because the harsh reality for many of these rejected children is that their parents' approval will never come. Worse still, the more their child does to try to win their approval, the more perverse pleasure they gain out of rejecting them. The realization and final acceptance of this fact brings a pain like no other. But there is also a sense of freedom which comes with finally letting go. You'll be able to get closure - albeit this has to come from you rather than them - and be able to move on with your life in something like peace.

Another strong recommendation here for Susan Forward's Toxic Parents. Glad to read you had a wonderful wedding day: their presence would likely only have ruined it. I hope your new marriage brings you peace and happiness

@MarieIVanArkleStinks that resonates a lot with me a lot. Yes I know their approval will never come so why was I trying?!
Thank you I've just purchased the ebook I'll start reading it tonight.

@Gabsalot so true, if she did come i know she would have tried ruining it somehow! Probably would have "accidentally" dropped red wine on my dress or something similar!

Oh god that reminds me DH almost spilled red wine all over my dress on our wedding day 😱 Miraculously the wine went onto my plate and the table and not my (ivory) dress!

Hope you can focus on your happy memories of the day. I can understand how hurtful it must have been for them not to attend but others are right to point out that they would not have been the ideal guests on the day!

Your parents made the day all about them by her claims to all and sundry that you said they were 'dangerous' and insisting they had Covid tests. They've tried to make themselves the stars of your wedding rather than the extras...Just be thankful they weren't there and you had a wonderful day without them! Congratulations💐

It’s a good job I’m not you as I would be ripping them a new one on social media.

Sounds like it worked out better that they didn't go. You need to cut them out of yours and your children's lives for good. They don't sound like they're any good for your mental health and they don't deserve a relationship with you either

I would send a link to this thread to everyone they bad mouthed you and then relish the fact that your parents are out of your life.

@maddening

I would send a link to this thread to everyone they bad mouthed you and then relish the fact that your parents are out of your life.

Dont. That would give them so much ammunition for a smear campaign

True muser.

Definitely make sure that your family that have been party to the bad mouthing by your parents are aware that it is all lies etc.

Im going through a version of this. Sadly i think that you cant get ahead of a smear campaign with any protestations of innocence.

Do not explain or defend or justify.

Time has a way of making things settle down.

The test is to see if you can detach from CARING what they say to whom and who might believe what. Resist the urge to correct them.

Tell yourself they are free to believe what they want to believe.

They will know there are two sides to every story. They will know that you arent trashing them!!

@Muser314 thank you yes that's what I've been saying to myself and those that know my side of it. In the end she will be embarrassing herself.

Different but my xmil painted me as wicked and unhinged when i left her abusive son. I never contacted anybody else on his side to set them straight but a decade+ on one of his relatives did visit and all they saw was a woman who had pieced back together a secure life for her kids. We didnt talk about the beeeee ad person!! Xmil. Or x.

What do they bring to you and your children’s life OP? Truely?
From what you have said they bring Nothing good. The wedding no show was the tip of the iceberg.
They have continued to show you how they feel about you, your whole life. Believe them.
Just because your related to someone doesn’t mean you need to keep eating their shit and pretending it’s chocolate.
Cut them out of your life before they treat your children with the same contempt as they treat you.

Also lots of hugs!!