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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you forgive parents who don't turn up to your wedding?

104 replies

CoconutsHaveWaterInThem · 25/08/2020 02:27

I don't know where to begin or what I'm really looking for...

I had a super small budgets wedding recently and to the lead up to my wedding my mother thought the wedding was all about her. She never talked about anything to do with me it was always what she's going to wear, the earrings, shoes, how she's going to pose for photos, even wanted me to hire a expensive limo just so she and my dad could take photos! Everything has to be documented on social media for all her "friends".
(Any gifts that were given to her she never said thank you to you directly, she would post about it on her social media and thanked you on there)

The back story is that they were very controlling as kids (late 20s now) and very physically abusive, no hugs or kisses and they never said I love you or made you feel loved (I hug and kiss and say i love you to my kids every single day because of how they treated me)
Anyway back to the wedding and like I said everything was about my mother and father in few days after I told them I was getting married they had already bought their suit and outfits. My husband and I told her the colour scheme we were wanting our bridesmaids and groomsman to wear and so she quickly bought the same colour schemed outfit for herself and my fathers shirt and tie and I actually told her off about it and said I only intended on our bridesmaids and groomsmen to wear them and she didnt speak to me for a week but returned the clothes. We then chose another colour scheme and didn't tell her in case she did it again. (Petty of me, I know)

So 2 weeks before my wedding (not in the u.k) a bridal party member had flu like symptoms so had to get covid tested. I casually said to her if she is positive (it came back negative) then she obviously can not come to the wedding because for obvious reasons we don't want anyone there who is sick. My mother then said basically that because they are working (we are working and all the guests are still working) they are more at risk of getting corona virus so shes going to do me a "favour" and not come to the wedding so we don't blame them for making everyone sick at the wedding. I just said to her that that's not what I was meaning at all but she said she and my father are still not going to attend. During this whole time I found out they had been bad mouthing me to everyone saying that I had said that THEY were "dangerous" to attend our wedding and I was controlling for trying to make them get a covid test- I have never said that and this conversation never ever took place i swear on my kids lives!

So a couple of days before the wedding I asked them if they were still not coming and they said no and continued to bad mouth me to everyone that they knew I told them I would never speak to them again and that they couldn't psychically abuse me any more so they think they can emotionally abuse me now which is not going to happen and we haven't spoken since.
Again I think I'm just venting but how could I move on from this what did I do wrong for them to just push me away like this and not to love me because all my life she would just start a fight as it seems she thinks its funny to cause people pain emotionally. Not sure how I could pander her but maybe I am being unreasonable

OP posts:
thecognoscenti · 25/08/2020 06:44

I don't think YABU OP.
However, one small point jumped out: the bit about your parents not hugging and kissing you and saying they love you. My parents didn't do that either, and I don't think not doing so is (in itself) the sign of bad parenting. Some people are just more reserved. I'm sure they do love me.

Tinyleaf · 25/08/2020 06:51

Take comfort from the fact that when you told other people at your wedding their reaction confirmed what you really knew- it’s not you, it’s them. Throw off the shame that they have foisted upon you and mentally throw it back to them and be liberated by the lack of its weight

Ragwort · 25/08/2020 07:10

I wouldn't even make an issue of it, if you do they will 'enjoy' the fact that you cared whether they attended or not. Just keep contact very low key. Don't get sucked into their drama.

KaptainKaveman · 25/08/2020 07:28

I think the whole situation is bizarre. You told them they couldn't wear a certain colour of clothing? who does that ? (genuine question). Are weddings 'colour coordinated' these days? I'd be annoyed if I had bought a new outfit only to be instructed to return it.

Ragwort · 25/08/2020 07:33

I'm surprised at your comments that you had a 'super small budget wedding' but you then comment on bridesmaids and groomsmen and colour schemes Confused ... we had a small wedding - three guests at the register office plus two more joined us for lunch afterwards ... no question of bridesmaids and groomsmen.

ddl1 · 25/08/2020 07:33

I would not hold it against someone if they didn't turn up to an event in these times due to a genuine fear of Covid. However, I would find it very hard to forgive all the bad-mouthing! And certainly not their abusiveness in your childhood. They were lucky that you invited them in the first place. I hope your wedding was a lovely occasion; probably much better for their not being there!

ddl1 · 25/08/2020 07:35

I do think that the colour coding incident is rather trivial, and you could made it a bit clearer in advance what was expected. Nothing excuses all the bad-mouthing, however!

Original poster
CoconutsHaveWaterInThem · 25/08/2020 07:36

KaptiveKaveman
I think its normal to want the bridesmaids and groomsmen to be colour coordinated as I think it looks nice for them to match. And of course the other guests could have worn the same coloured clothing but I wouldn't have cared as they won't be in our main photos. Its the fact that she purposely went out of her way to find this exact same colour dress as soon as she knew what colour scheme we wanted and that she wouldn't have worn this colour otherwise as she only likes to wear dark coloured clothing so I know it was intentional and to then tell me that as shes the mother of the bride its "tradition" to do this then when i asked what tradition she didnt know what to say. So yes I told her she can't wear it. A bit bridezilla of me but oh well.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoconutsHaveWaterInThem · 25/08/2020 07:40

Ragwort - yes it was very small and we paid for it ourselves we only had 20 guests including the 2 bridesmaids and 2 groomsmen. The groomsmen and my husband already had their suits from a previous wedding they were all apart of so we only bought new ties and pocket squares in my chosen colour and as for the bridesmaids I paid for their dresses as well as my own wedding dress from a company called JJs House which is an online store so got them very cheap 🙂 so it was very cheap actually under $6000 for the entire wedding well I think that's a small budget wedding considering most I've seen have spent over $25k

OP posts:
Porcupineinwaiting · 25/08/2020 07:43

OP I think you will be a lot happier in life if you take a big step back from your parents. They are consuming too many of your thoughts and too much of your time and energy.

Original poster
CoconutsHaveWaterInThem · 25/08/2020 07:43

@ddl1 totally agree on this. When I found out she bought the clothing for themselves I did open my mouth before thinking of the delivery as I know they get offended over the smallest thing so that was my bad that I didn't tell them that they weren't to wear the same colours.

OP posts:
KaptainKaveman · 25/08/2020 07:43

"A bit bridezilla of me but oh well".

Yep.

MrsSSG · 25/08/2020 07:45

I could never forgive that. They have spent years humiliating and belittling you and they even found a way to try to ruin your wedding day. How could a parent do that to their child?! It's so spiteful. You can never get that day back, they can never make it up to you.

Regardless of how they'll say they misinterpreted the conversation, in these crazy times, if anyone asked me to take a Covid test for their wedding, I'd just do it, as I'd want to be there and for everyone to feel safe.

It was another way to control you and hurt you. I think you're better off cutting all ties now. That would be the final straw for me.

Original poster
CoconutsHaveWaterInThem · 25/08/2020 07:45

@Porcupineinwaiting they are unfortunately. And I don't know why such horrible people are consuming my thoughts to this day since the wedding. I'm needing to find more coping mechanisms and have already read a few things on the grey rock method which is helpful if i ever do need to use it

OP posts:
ScrapThatThen · 25/08/2020 07:46

It's good you called the shots. Imagine what it will be like living your life on your terms, and acknowledging to others what your parents have put you through. You don't need to get past abuse and forgive. Congratulations on your marriage and on gaining this distance which can break the cycle of harm.

KnobblyWand · 25/08/2020 07:47

Narcissistic parents will never change to be the parents you once needed them to be, stop waiting for them to. It just won't happen. Move on.

Everything you're feeling right now will melt away when you properly come to terms with this, trust me.

Muser314 · 25/08/2020 07:48

Oh wow. Take so many steps back from them!

Google smear campaigns. Focus on yr own values to help you stay true to yourself. My parents terrible thoughtlessness used to make me behave worse too. So i got very de railed by their unkind behavior. Have had to learn to accept their various controlling and delusional behaviors and just focus on staying on course.

Blueuggboots · 25/08/2020 07:49

My parents didn't attend my wedding because I married another woman and they are homophobic don't agree with same sex marriage. They said they wouldn't come so I didn't plan for them. We had a very small reception in a restaurant that seated 27 people and invited 25 other people who wanted to be there.
I still have a relationship with my parents.

Original poster
CoconutsHaveWaterInThem · 25/08/2020 07:50

@MrsSSG absolutely. I could never treat my kids that way ever! And I just don't know how they have done it to all their children and not feel bad. I honestly feel as if we were all burdens to them. And exactly even though I didn't, even if I did tell them to take a covid test why would it have been a problem to keep themselves and everyone else safe but I guess they saw it in a different way.

OP posts:
Dozer · 25/08/2020 07:51

In light of their history of being abusive to you, suggest low or no contact with them, and the reading recommendations here, and in the Stately Homes threads. And therapy, if you can afford it.

Confusedismyname · 25/08/2020 07:52

YANBU

I too have toxic parents (mainly mum as dad let’s her get on with it and doesn’t say anything). My mum recently got pissed off because I bought her a card, sent her flowers and called to wish her happy birthday, but silly me, forgot to do a post on Facebook.

I also never had hugs or was told I love you, didn’t even get asked how my exams went when I took my GCSE’s. Some physical abuse, but it was mainly emotional. Felt like there was something wrong me with because my brother was treated differently. Took me a long time to realise my brother was treated differently because he agreed with my mum and didn’t challenge. He admits this as an adult and wanted a quieter life. (And still does this now. Mum hates his GF and is mean to her and brother does nothing to stand up for his lovely GF)

Early 30’s I moved 100 miles away and I’ve never been happier as she can no longer turn up and try and make me feel like shit with her put downs. Having the time and space away I was able to have counselling and processed a lot of things. Now we have very little contact and when she does try and pull her shit, it doesn’t bother me. She tries to up the ante but I leave her to it as I’ve got my wonderful DH and 2 amazing kids. She Recently told me that when she dies she’s leaving the house to my brother as he loved the house growing up and would appreciate it better than me. I told her it’s her house and she can do what she wants with it. For some reason that wasn’t the right answer and she hung up on me. I just shake my head and move on.

Don’t let her toxicity affect your life.

SylvanianFrenemies · 25/08/2020 07:52

Congratulations on your wedding.

Your parents abused you as a child, they have not had personality transplants, they are still abusive.

You are not obliged to have them in your life. Their behaviour is not normal or ok. Flowers

Muser314 · 25/08/2020 07:55

They were invited.
They chose not to come.

They are probably expecting you to go back to them to appeal for their forgiveness for having upset them. Bet that is what they think is happening next!

Then, when you dont, and they feel wrong footed and wonder for a split second if you cant be manipulated easily after all, then they will minimise it all "silly misunderstanding and she has cut us off". The smear campaign will shift slightly.

Muser314 · 25/08/2020 07:59

@Blueuggboots

My parents didn't attend my wedding because I married another woman and they are homophobic don't agree with same sex marriage. They said they wouldn't come so I didn't plan for them. We had a very small reception in a restaurant that seated 27 people and invited 25 other people who wanted to be there. I still have a relationship with my parents.
You must be very emotionally mature and rrsilient. I only started to unpick the damage my parents' parenting left on me at 40 and i was also trying to recover from an abusive relation ship at the same time, so everything they did that hurt me or eroded me made me react emotionally which they saw as proof i was crazy
derxa · 25/08/2020 08:07

I think the whole situation is bizarre. You told them they couldn't wear a certain colour of clothing? who does that ? (genuine question). Are weddings 'colour coordinated' these days? I'd be annoyed if I had bought a new outfit only to be instructed to return it. Yes it's a bit much.

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