"Hanging your head like a sad dog"

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

DH has a friend over, our DC were in the room with us too.

DH and I were having a disagreement about a relatively minor issue, but I was becoming embarrassed about the way things were unfolding in front of his friend. I stopped maintaining eye contact and looked down.

DH snapped "stop hanging your head like a sad dog just because I'm trying to talk to you"

I felt really embarrassed, honestly I wished the ground would have swallowed me up.

Is this just something I should shrug off, or would other people be embarrassed by this too?

Sad dog! I wouldn’t let anyone to refer to me as a sad dog, let alone from someone who loved me!!

Side note, I can’t tolerate confrontation in public, so would have just walked out the room.

How long have you been together? Didnt one of you give ‘the look’ that signals this is over until later? You should have done that instead of looking down.

About three and a half years. I felt like I was trying to give the look, I definitely wanted the conversation to stop. I think if I'd walked away that would have come across as more rude and therefore more embarrassing, it would probably make his friend uncomfortable.

Has he ever done this before? Because from this brief snippet it honestly sounds horrible, and his friend would have been embarrassed whether you walked away or not - and I suspect would have been more embarrassed seeing you treated like a naughty child.

If he wasn’t embarrassed then he’s just as conditioned to accept abusive behaviour towards women.

(Not that this is necessarily abusive but it certainly points in that direction).

Has he apologised OP?

Do t bother with the ‘look’ in future just tell him to change the subject - show him an assertive dog that doesn’t need permission to stand up for herself

I would be embarrassed and enraged! How does he behave usually? Was this out of the ordinary?
Sorry op

No apology, he is smiling and happy now with his friend. There have been similar issues in the past. A) saying similar things not in front of friends. B) saying jokey things that I have felt were demeaning in front of friends. The disagreement was about my reaction to something that made me anxious so I guess I already felt a bit embarrassed, this just added to it and now I feel very deflated.

Sad dog..? He’d have had one angry bitch on his hands if he’d said that to me.

Who does he think he’s talking to?! And in front of a friend? I’d be seriously pissed off.

He was a right nasty bastard to you! I'd be embarrassed too, and bloody raging. It sounds deliberately demeaning.

Honestly, if DH had tried that with me I’d have said to him, “stop acting cocky just because you have a mate round & don’t ever speak to me like that again!”. Only then would I have left the room to prepare for the god almighty rage that I would unleash on him later. But that’s just me as I will not put up with being spoken to like a piece of shit. To be fair though if DH spoke to me like that more than a one off slip, he’d not be my DH.

God knows my DH is not perfect, but he would never say something like this to me, in private or with anybody else present. Leaving aside the massive disrespect to you, he was extremely bad mannered to his friend to say something like that to you in front of him. He is, in short, a nasty prick of a man.

What TinyTornado said

If my husband did that I'd ask him to help me in the kitchen with something and then in the very quiet and considered tone that lets the kids know they've gone too far this time I'd tell him that he was bang out of order and not to do it again.

Can you let him know that it was not OK?

Wow he’s a spiteful arsehole isn’t he? Humiliating you - and in front of his friend. Must make him feel like the big man.

What would he do if you replied “don’t talk to me like that you fucking twat”? How’d he like that? Or are you afraid of him?

Sounds like a shit relationship Op. Anyone who spoke to me like that would be out on his arse.

"Can you let him know that it was not OK?"

Honestly, no, I give up doing that. Either it'll be 'it was no big deal', or I'll get told off for being so sensitive, or there'll be an apology but it will happen again.

If I said anything along the lines of don't talk to me like that, or in any way got confrontational, I would be compared to his abusive ex. His friend was his friend back when he was with her. I really don't want to be compared to her.

I would be compared to his abusive ex

Are you sure she was the (only).abusive one?

You've only had he and his mates story, which is half a story.

And you shouldn't be forced not to call out rude (abusive even) behaviour from him in order to avoid being accused of being confrontational or being like his "abusuve" ex.

Good way if keeping you in your box, by the sounds of it.

From that snippet he doesn't sound like the type to be abused , quite the opposite.

@SuckingDownDarjeeling

"Can you let him know that it was not OK?"

Honestly, no, I give up doing that. Either it'll be 'it was no big deal', or I'll get told off for being so sensitive, or there'll be an apology but it will happen again.

Then I'd tell him there and then 'that's out of order, don't talk to me like that'. If he won't change his behaviour because you ask him to, he might when he's embarrassed in front of his friend.

Just to note, I wouldn't always have done this. My last relationship sounds like yours, my confidence and self belief has grown since that ended and I know I don't deserve to be treated like that.

To answer your question, yes I'd be embarrassed and angry. I'd think.it was unacceptable.

If you don't have kids, I'd be putting my running shoes on .. you're not even tied in yet (?) He sounds like a c u next Tues.

These knobheads always have an "abusive ex". Convenient

@GilbertMarkham two DC, two years old. (Twins. I have a posting history). I don't even feel angry. Just so fed up.

Well, it makes it harder but ...

I don't like the sound of that behaviour, and I don't like the apparent manipulation around his "abusive" ex.

Well he’s a prize knob isn’t he? My bil was like that. My ex bil. Took 16 years of that malarkey before my sis got rid.

Yes it’s incredibly rude, contemptuous and out of order. He’s a rude little shit who doesn’t deserve you. The question is how much are you willing to put up with? If he compares you to his supposedly abusive ex, so what? Tell him it’s not abusive to insist he treats you with the same respect as any other person.