"Hanging your head like a sad dog"

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

DH has a friend over, our DC were in the room with us too.

DH and I were having a disagreement about a relatively minor issue, but I was becoming embarrassed about the way things were unfolding in front of his friend. I stopped maintaining eye contact and looked down.

DH snapped "stop hanging your head like a sad dog just because I'm trying to talk to you"

I felt really embarrassed, honestly I wished the ground would have swallowed me up.

Is this just something I should shrug off, or would other people be embarrassed by this too?

Think I would’ve laughed , said woof woof and walked out .

Wow op this isnt ok. He is humiliating you so that he wants you to know that he controls you. Horrible man
.

@lottiegarbanzo it's certainly possible that I do catastrophise, yes. I was having CBT and my therapist was often surprised because I can make some small things seem huge but I can also sometimes approach huge problems like they're nothing. I wish I could just do the latter all the time

The disagreement started because I had asked DH to feed DC their dinner, they were messing around quite a bit and not eating. A large piece fell on the floor and I held out my hand and asked him to hand it to me so I could put it in the bin. He picked it up but he put it on the plate with the rest of the food. That made me feel uncomfortable so I said I would go and make them something else, as they were messing around with this one anyway and I wanted them to eat something substantial before bed. I know it's just from my side of things but I can honestly say that none of this was done in an irritated or impatient manner, not least because we had company so I wasn't interested in making a big deal about anything. DH became very frustrated and didn't want me to go and make them something else, as I tried to explain that it would be no problem and I'd feel better if I did, things became more heated because he felt it was a big deal over nothing, after a while of trying to 'bargain' or explain or persuade, however is best to put it, I started to feel embarrassed at his reaction in front of his friend, I was struggling to let go of the idea of making them something else but I didn't want to keep pushing the issue and eventually I looked down as described in my OP.

Because I was anxious about contaminated food, I honestly can't say if I was catastrophising or not, the issue seemed important to me and I would probably feel that way again, but I wasn't flapping around panicking. So I have no idea what to think.

I just realised my punctuation in that last post was atrocious . I'm on the coffee now, should be okay going forward!

You wanted to make your children a whole new meal because a bit of it fell on the floor and they weren't eating properly?!

Tbh I'd be pissed off if my OH did that too - it's a complete waste of food and a recipe of picky, fussy kids if you pander to poor eating! Obviously i wouldn't want them to eat floor food, but throwing the whole plate away because a it might have been touched by something that touched the floor is batshit. They're 2! They spend their whole lives grubbing around on the floor and sticking things in their mouths!

@Sayitagainwhydontyou by make something else I meant toast or something similar, but I do see your point. This is exactly what I mean about feeling anxious over minor things. I left it in the end, and yes I can see why it would have been irritating for him.

@SuckingDownDarjeeling it doesn't really matter what you were going to make - giving your children a second dinner if they don't eat the first one is ridiculous. No harm will come to them if they don't eat a full dinner, and it teaches them that they don't get rewarded for poor behaviour. I dont think the way your DH behaved was acceptable, but i think you were unreasonable to start with, and then should have stood up for yourself.

Are you getting any help for your anxiety?

@Sayitagainwhydontyou I have medication that I take and I was getting CBT but unfortunately that's not going to be happening any more.

I also don't really understand why it needed to go on the plate. I had my hand out ready to just toss it in the bin, he wouldn't have had to get up to throw it away so there would have been no extra effort on his part. That bit just confuses me tbh, even if it would do no harm on the plate.

Maybe he didn't realise that's what you wanted? I'd probably have just put it on the plate and binned it later - but my toddlers would be unlikely to eat food they knew had been on the floor, maybe yours are different.

My first time - LTB

They're only just two, I've been teaching them that food is dirty when it goes on the floor and they're much better with it now, although they still do try to eat floor food, but they're two . However, if he held out a spoon with food on it they wouldn't refuse it because they would trust that we think it's okay for them to eat. DH does think it's okay. If it's a digestive or something dry then I probably wouldn't be as fussed about it if I picked it up quickly. But anything wet, soggy, sticky, anything that will pick up floor crap I just don't have a tolerance for, it actually makes me shudder thinking about it.

and rather than have him and you go over and over about making something different for the kids, you should have just gone into the kitchen, made the toast and brought back out to them and if he said anything simply turn around and say " yeah i know! but its done now"

@Usernameismyname01 I think I would have done that if they had just been messing around, the issues started when I asked him to hand me the plate to take with me because I didn't want him to keep offering the food that was on that plate. I can honestly see that I was over dramatising the consequences of them eating dirty food and I probably should have just nipped off to make the toast quickly and brought it back.

I asked him to feed them in the first place because I want him to gain more experience doing that, he doesn't often feed them and when he does they run roughshod over him because it's a novelty. With me it's very much 'sit down and eat, you can play when you're done'. I don't think I'll be asking him to feed them any more anyway.

He doesn't sound like he has a lot of respect for you.
Ii suspect part of that is because you do the sad dog thing rather than stick up for yourself.

Doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you, how you are or how you react, though.
Just means he doesn't have respect for how you behave currently.
You can either be more forceful to command more respect, tell him that you want him to show more respect for you how you are naturally, put up with things as they are without saying anything, or leave him.

@ChipOffTheOldMock I see what you mean. I've never done the sad dog thing before, I don't even remember doing that as a child, it was a semi-conscious reaction and my attempt to make the situation stop, I feel embarrassed now even thinking of it. I feel like I've tried everything else. But there's probably lots I haven't tried. He needs to be very assertive for his work so perhaps that spills over at home, similar to how teachers sometimes use 'teacher language' at home without even realising it.

If you can't even trust him to feed his own children why the hell are you with him?

Could you not just have picked up the contaminated bit of food from the plate and thrown it away?

You're not syaing he scraped up something like porridge or stew and mixed it back into a shared bowl, are you?

@lottiegarbanzo it was a potato wedge with baked bean sauce on it that was put back into the beans. If anything perhaps I could have scooped it out but he wouldn't give me the plate.

I don’t think anything you have done is wrong here. I think it is gross that he put something from the floor back in there beans. I would have been really annoyed with him for doing that and would have said something even in front of his friend. I don’t think you should have negotiated with him over making something different. If you wanted to do that, it is your choice. I really think you should have stood your ground and gone and made them some toast. He is controlling you without you realising. I think your look down to try and avoid the confrontation in front of guests was a sensitive, polite thing to do and him calling you a ‘sad dog’ is disgusting, rude and humiliating. Am sorry your self esteem is being eroded here, but whether he means to or not, he is not helping. Don’t feel bad about the situation, the way I see it is that he owes you an apology.

[quote Seychelles98]**@SuckingDownDarjeeling* your DH sounds like a complete prick! Some years ago a friends DH was exactly the same - always putting her down and criticising her in front of people, making fun of her and generally embarrassing her until it cane to a head one night in the pub... another friends DH in the group sitting around the table told him to shut the f*k up and that the only person he was embarrassing was himself, everyone laughed and he stormed out like the little shit that he was / is! Anyway a counsellor told her shortly afterwards that it was a form of domestic / emotional abuse... they separated and now she's thankfully with someone who actually respects her...[/quote]
OP I really hope someone speaks up for you in this way.

I honestly feel a bit sad (I mean that in the most non patronising way) that you feel it is not worthwhile to approach him about this due to how he will react. You nor anyone deserves to be spoken to like that, the fact it is your partner doing it makes it all the more awful. You deserve better.

I think he said it with the intent of making you feel exactly how he has left you feeling, maybe I'm jumping the gun, but I do think it's abusive behaviour.

He's obviously spoken pretty awfully about his ex, I'm gonna hazard a guess and assume he's going all out to tarnish her character because she had enough of his crap and left him, good for her. Even if she did abuse him, that doesn't excuse him now inflicting abuse on you and it's extremely weird that he uses her as a way to stop you speaking up.

I think I'd have scooped out the rogue wedge, with a spoon if possible, or just grabbed it and said something like 'urgh, don't put that back, that's dirty!'. I don't get how he could keep the plate away from you to prevent this, unless he was dancing around the kitchen with it.

(There is science on why the so called 'five second rule' is bollocks. Dirt and bacteria is picked up immediately).

I do think the idea of cooking an entire replacement meal, even if a snacky one, is a quite an overreaction and completely counterproductive, given your wish to get him taking more responsibility for feeding the DC. You'd have undermined him and that aim.

But the dropped food could have been dealt with quickly and decisively, in good humour.

Your idea that some other food was needed because they weren't eating well (rather than because of the contamination) does sound like it would have undermined him. Surely the issue was their hunger (or lack of) and his feeding technique. Different food would have made no difference. Making something else sounds like you taking over the meal - with the clear implication that he was 'doing it all wrong'.

"I'm gonna hazard a guess and assume he's going all out to tarnish her character because she had enough of his crap and left him, good for her."

DM is of this opinion too and has been since the start. I've met so many of his friends and family, a lot of whom don't even know each other, but have all said the same things about his ex. I have been strongly inclined to believe him the whole time because of that. But I'm now starting to question that.

"just grabbed it and said something like 'urgh, don't put that back, that's dirty!'. I don't get how he could keep the plate away from you to prevent this, unless he was dancing around the kitchen with it."

I didn't say it in words but my face definitely had the exact expression of your sentence above. He was infuriated just by that look. If I had said 'urgh that's dirty' out loud he 100% would have said I was 'having a meltdown over some food', I'm positive, as that is normally what he says if I ever am verbally put off by something and that's why I didn't want to say anything in this situation. We were in the front room. I would have had to stand up and grab the plate from him which again I think would have made things worse. Honestly, I really wish he had just put the food in my hand, I would have binned it, that would have been that and if he got fed up trying to coax them to eat I would have offered an extra spoon or two before taking the plate out to the kitchen.

@Mummadeeze I appreciate you trying to look at things through my perspective. I wish I did just get up and make them some toast now, it would have saved a lot of hassle and unnecessary stress.

I mean though, couldn't you have grabbed the dirty wedge and said 'ugh' at the same time, instantly throwing it away? Then it would have been dealt with, done and dusted.

If he'd had a go, you could have said calmly 'no, no 'meltdown', it's just not ok to feed them food that's been on the floor - but we can discuss that another time' or whatever.

If he'd continued to have a go at you about it, wouldn't he have felt he was making a tit of himself in front of his friend? He'd have been the one having a 'meltdown' over a trviality.

I can sort of see why he might have felt that despite saying you wanted him to take more responsibility for feeding the DC, you were hovering and trying to supervise him, with a view to taking over.

Sometimes you do have to let go and let the other parent do things their own way, so long as it's not actually life-threatening.

@lottiegarbanzo I agree, and it's something I plan to keep working on. I'm aware that living with somebody with anxiety like mine can be hell on earth and I'm not blameless. Regarding the picking the food up and talking about it later, I've done that before too. This is absolutely it the first time he's put dirty food in with theirs and even occasionally directly into their mouths. It just doesn't stop. I understand that he doesn't see it as being an issue the same way as me but I feel there could be some give and take there, if I'm making it easy for him to do something else with the dirty food then I don't see the point of insisting on putting it back in with the clean food.

He didn't feel he was making a tit of himself in front of his friend and he was going on for quite some time. I think he wanted his friend to see how ridiculous I was being.