"Hanging your head like a sad dog"

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

DH has a friend over, our DC were in the room with us too.

DH and I were having a disagreement about a relatively minor issue, but I was becoming embarrassed about the way things were unfolding in front of his friend. I stopped maintaining eye contact and looked down.

DH snapped "stop hanging your head like a sad dog just because I'm trying to talk to you"

I felt really embarrassed, honestly I wished the ground would have swallowed me up.

Is this just something I should shrug off, or would other people be embarrassed by this too?

I stopped maintaining eye contact and looked down

This is a weird way for you to respond, though. Next time, just say calmly that you’ll talk about it later and then go and do something else.

@bridgetreilly

I stopped maintaining eye contact and looked down

This is a weird way for you to respond, though. Next time, just say calmly that you’ll talk about it later and then go and do something else.

Yes, I can see that really. I just wanted him to stop talking at me and I dissociated. I hoped he'd see I was embarrassed and stop.

Seriously start standing up for yourself.

If that doesnt work.

LTB

It’s not weird I understand - you just wanted him to stop?

Yes, I really wanted him to stop. No amount of 'looks' stopped him. I hoped disengaging would stop but no, it just prompted him to say what he said. I left the room as quickly as I could after that, and since then I've been acting normal.

I'd be tempted to chuck that comment back at him infront of his friend something like "Well you seem happier. Like a dog with two tails" and laugh.
He sounds horrible OP. Send him to his mate's.

@SuckingDownDarjeeling

"Can you let him know that it was not OK?"

Honestly, no, I give up doing that. Either it'll be 'it was no big deal', or I'll get told off for being so sensitive, or there'll be an apology but it will happen again.

THE NARCISSIST’S PRAYER:

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did...
You deserved it.

Sound familiar?

He's a gaslighting arsehole They ALL have abusive exes

@MistyGreenAndBlue sadly that does actually sound familiar. Last night I told him eventually that it was hurtful and embarrassing and all he said was 'it wasn't meant to make you feel that way'. There was no apology and today is business as usual.

Nasty twat OP. That's your full diagnosis. Prescription: get rid.

You need to learn to assert yourself, nicely. You're being very passive.

'Let's discuss this later', or 'This isn't the right time', or just 'not now (stern look)' would have dealt with the problem firmly but politely.

Obviously, having an argument in front of his friend was bad manners. Possibly, he was doing it deliberately as a public expression of frustration, in a 'seeking agreement' way (a common but unkind behaviour), or borderline bullying.

I must say, disengagement when someone is trying to speak to you, is extremely annoying and rude. It's bound to wind up the other person - and that is generally the didengager's intention. It's a severly PA behaviour.

If I said anything along the lines of don't talk to me like that, or in any way got confrontational, I would be compared to his abusive ex. His friend was his friend back when he was with her. I really don't want to be compared to her.

Don't be sucked into that shit.

'Wow, interesting. Looks like I must be the same then. Makes you wonder whether the problem is the person in common in those two relationships, doesn't it? Don't speak to me like shit if you don't want it dished out back at you.'

@lottiegarbanzo

I must say, disengagement when someone is trying to speak to you, is extremely annoying and rude. It's bound to wind up the other person - and that is generally the didengager's intention. It's a severly PA behaviour.

Unless I've read this wrong, it sounds like you're blaming the OP there?

I must say, disengagement when someone is trying to speak to you, is extremely annoying and rude. It's bound to wind up the other person - and that is generally the didengager's intention. It's a severly PA behaviour

You know what else is rude? Browbeating your other half in mixed company. A respectful partner would can it until you were alone or ask for a word somewhere private if it couldn't wait. Just because he wants to have that conversation RIGHT NOW does not mean he gets it. He is not the sole arbiter of when and where they need to have a discussion. And being overtly contemptuous of the OP in front of his support network sounds like bullying to me.

And the next thing you say is ‘I don’t care how you meant it, it’s unacceptable.’ There are a few ways to handle public put-downs, from a barbed reply of your own (‘did you learn social interaction from training police dogs, by any chance?’) to other definite consequences, that you are not prepared to stick around to be bullied and belittled - because this is what it amounts to. It sounds like this latest behaviour has frayed your tolerance to breaking point. What are you going to do next time? And there will be a next time. Are you afraid it’ll escalate to physical violence?

@lottiegarbanzo

I must say, disengagement when someone is trying to speak to you, is extremely annoying and rude. It's bound to wind up the other person - and that is generally the didengager's intention. It's a severly PA behaviour.

That’s vile. None of us, apart from the op, know the full situation but her posts strongly suggest an emotionally abusive relationship and you just firmly victim-blamed someone who may well be doing all she can within her capacity to avoid more abuse.

”I must say, disengagement when someone is trying to speak to you, is extremely annoying and rude. It's bound to wind up the other person - and that is generally the didengager's intention. It's a severly PA behaviour“

He was arguing with her in front of his friend. Now that’s rude.

I'm furious just reading that! I'd have asked just who the fuck he thought he was talking to? Kids should never see their mother being spoken to like that by the other parent. Far better they see you stand up for yourself.

@bridgetreilly

I stopped maintaining eye contact and looked down

This is a weird way for you to respond, though. Next time, just say calmly that you’ll talk about it later and then go and do something else.

I don't think it is at all. It's perfectly normal to break eye contact and disengage in order to try to cool down a confrontation.

Aww this made me feel sad for you when I read it OP. No it's not normal behaviour and made especially worse as was in front of his friend, he was purposefully being demeaning! You deserve better.

Does PA mean passive aggressive? It's not an abbreviation I've seen here before. I wasn't feeling angry and the last thing I wanted at the time was for him to get more wound up so I certainly didn't intend to be passive aggressive, my cheeks were getting flushed and I was feeling very embarrassed.

"What are you going to do next time? And there will be a next time. Are you afraid it’ll escalate to physical violence?"

No, I genuinely don't think it would get that far. But you're right, all signs point to there being a next time. I just have no idea what to do and I'm fed up of feeling sorry for myself. I hate getting confrontational in front of DC, I appreciate that they should see me stand up for myself but they're two, they'll only see 'mummy is shouting' and it would scare them.

Ignore the silly post calling you PA OP. I think it goes to show how beaten down you are that you focus on the ONE poster blaming you, insteead of the everyone else telling you he's a massive dickhead. Which, just for emphasis, he is.

Please don’t let him talk to you like that again, I put up with many years of this stuff and in the end it nearly killed me, tell him to stfu and walk off.

Yes PA means passive aggressive.

I'm exploring the possibilities, by making observations and asking questions, to attempt to discover the breadth and depth of this situation, before everyone piles in on the usual single-track narrative and tells her he's abusive and to LTB immediately.

He may well be. His tale of an abusive ex rings alarm bells, as it's often the sort of thing a person who abused their ex will say. More research needed on that one.

But he may not be. And no, you can't 'victim blame' when no-one has established any 'crime' or any victimhood.

Disengaging while in the room with someone is, generally, a weird, manipulative, PA behaviour that is guaranteed to wind the other person up. Either speak up, or leave the room.

Why do you not speak up for yourself? That's the important question here. What happens when you do?