2 months on From husband leaving

[LexieB]

I posted a while ago. Husband announced he was leaving day before a Fathers Day for 27 year old at his company. They had been friendly/banter since Jan. But only met up in lockdown and he felt so
Guilty he had to tell me before embarking on affair! He’s told me it’s over it doesn’t want a divorce. Is this for financial reasons?? The only explanations for it all that I get is I’ve fallen for someone else.
We had a lovely home 3 children 16,13 and 9.
Since he left he has just been prioritizing this woman never available for the kids on the phone. She won’t let him communicate with me it’s her way or the highway. He’s now living in a flat 1.5 hours away next to his work as about to lose his license for gaining points on way to see her as she lives about 4 hours away. She’s been off the whole summer holidays.

At the start time did not handle things well desperately trying to get answers. I felt so low doctor came to see me. I am gradually feeling stronger took the kids away for a week by myself and coping with all
The stuff at home. I just feel so sad as I was happy with life before. I don’t feel depressed or so tearful anymore. It’s just hard when someone leaves with zero explanation. I think he thinks in time everything will be fine as that’s what she constantly tells him. But the kids barely won’t to see him. Eldest son refusing to talk to his dad. It’s so out of character thought it was a midlife crisis. But to be honest it’s embarassing and deserve better. I am so close to his parents and they are being amazing. We were married 16 years together for 20.my husband is 41. He has a high up job and just feel like I have been traded in for a younger model. I work part time and have done everything for the kids. I just don’t understand why people treat each other like this. I just wish we never had to see him again. Sorry for waffling I don’t know what I am asking really. It’s the shock that’s the word. He started saying he could still come over mow the lawn, help with admin but to me honest I would prefer to crack on, on my own. It’s just never saw this coming and my future looks so bleak. I turn 40 next week and feel gutted I am now on my own. The OW sent him
Very demanding texts with her conditions and non/ negotiables that he had to meet when dumping us. Husband now says he’s gone self employed at his work! Which all seems dodgy as he’s in the financial sector. I actually feel scared of him and this OW as she is in a high up job too. I am going to speak to a solicitor next week. Just feel like ex husband and her are going to make my life hell. Actually feel scared of them. He was a good dad before but the kids feel dumped he says he hasn’t left them but he has in my opinion. Think he blames me for Them not wanting to see him. OW allows him
To spend 1 day at the weekend with them. It’s rubbish they deserve better. When they are back at school he will be no use in the week as so far away. I just need to get it all out of my mind.

Speak to a solicitor, he sounds like a total shitbag, and so does she. I never understand why women are attracted to men who don't prioritise their own children.

I had a boyfriend cheat on me and leave when I was younger, we had no kids or financial ties, but I felt awful, it was almost like he had died because he wasn't actually the person I thought he was. Must feel x100 times worse for you, it does get better in time

Well done for being so stable for your kids. It must be hard not to lose it with him!
Like the pp I would advise to speak to a solicitor. Take care

OP, I don't have direct experience if this so you'll get better advice from someone here who does. But it happened to someone close to me, and I just wanted to say that it will get better. There's positive glimmers in everything you've written here: you're having moments when you're feeling stronger, and you have the will to crack on. Honestly, if you've got that going for you right now, you will get to a good and even stronger place. Talking to a solicitor will give you a clearer view of how to proceed, so get used to minimising contact with him as much as possible; only to talk about the kids etc. Don't feel intimidated! You're managing on your own, and you're in control. He doesn't get to say how things work and neither does OW - tho I wouldn't put too much stock in what he's telling you about her.

It's really early days, for you so there will be massive ups and downs. He's following a predictable pattern, unfortunately, and dealing with the kids emotions is probably one of the hardest parts for you.

I think I've thrown a lot of vague platitudes at you so I hope you get more practical advice and support here, but having seen someone close to me go through this exact scenario - and come out the other side - I just wanted to offer a bit of support. It's difficult and it's shit and it's utterly life changing, but I really think it does get easier if you keep yourself moving forward. Do you have support? Friends or family that you can at least talk things through with?

Self employed may be a way to avoid maintenance however if he has had a redundancy settlement they is a marital asset

You need a good lawyer. Get the pensions priced up as well

Tell him you want 50/50 custody and give him times and dates. That will put the frighteners up him

He sounds like a shit and I think I remember your last thread with the bonkers list of demands from the OW.
What do you think you want, a divorce? If you feel like being demanding then do that, the OW doesn’t get to call the shots on you.
I wonder if he’s gone self employed as it’s against some kind of conduct rules at work?

He doesn’t get to opt out. If the older ones arc on board take them to his flat and say they are staying for 2 weeks.

Hes done it once he will do it again. My husband did it twice and after the 2nd time he was not allowed to come back.
I did waver because I thought it would be awful growing old alone but then thought he didn't give a damn about me either time he left. The 2nd time I was in hospital, had no money and no way of getting home and I realised he wont be around in my old age he will just keep doing this.

My ex ONLY came home each time because he wanted something. Usually money or somewhere to live. So dont be fooled.

Was that with the head teacher who sent him a crazy list of demands?

OP, you are just about 40. That is a fantastic age! You can do so much with your life. You can show yourself and your children that happiness is not something external, it starts with you.

You can be proud of who you are, how you act as an independent and kick ass mother. I wish I could be right next to you, cheering you on.

You don’t need someone else to make you happy, darn it. Especially someone who has such low standards.

You can’t expect others to treat you with love and respect if you’re not willing to do it for yourself. Stop moping (said in the kindest way possible). Set your standards higher. Take responsibility for your own emotions and actions. And yes, the sweetest revenge will be you and the kids living a life that is so good that he’ll wish with every fibre in his being that he was a part of it.

Get a good solicitor and stay strong. You have given up loads for him to have a good life. Time for payback. Def get 50% of his pension. And do NOT take him back of get involved in discussion. Tell him to communicate through solicitor only.

What an absolute prick he is. She’s got his balls in her handbag!

You already sound like you’re getting there OP. You’re only 40. That’s young. You’ve got your whole like ahead with your lovely children. Onwards and upwards for you.

Him on the other hand. I can’t see that lasting at all.

Stand your ground. You are getting stronger. And don't let him weasel his way back in by mowing the lawn - that's him trying to keep one foot in the door in case it doesn't work out with the other woman.
You need to get your three lovely boys over there every weekend, and half of the week, leaving their socks on the floor, eating everything in sight and dropping crumbs, smelling a bit pungent and playing loud annoying games - and that should throw a spanner in the great romance. Of course, they're too old for babysitters and not old enough to leave on their own - so they're always there. Never mind the terms and conditions laid down by his bit on the side. Make it clear that you will be going for 50/50 custody and if it's a three hour round trip to their schools in the morning, he'd better buy a decent alarm clock and if he still has the energy for shagging all night at 41, good luck to him.
I'd give the great love affair - weeks? A demanding young woman in her twenties isn't going to stick around.
Meanwhile, take proper legal advice - because it's your decision whether to divorce, not his. You are not a nanny/housekeeper to facilitate his bachelor life. And if he ends up lonely and alone - you are allowed to take pleasure in his comeuppance.

I think it sounds like you're right where you should be. Of course you made mistakes in the beginning. Who wouldn't went their world is turned upside down. But it sounds as though the dust is starting to settle and some daylight is coming in. You're figuring out that actually you're the only one who has a say in your future. You get to decide what works for you. And it sounds as though him coming over to do some admin or mow the lawn doesn't actually work for you.

I'd recommend getting yourself some space to figure out what you want now. Therapy, half an hour with a notebook in a cafe, coffee with a friend - whatever works for you. Then I'd write him a lovely email saying you wish him well, you will do what you can to facilitate his relationship with your children and from now on can all communication be via whatever. Then just let him go and place your energies in your future.

PS Don't worry about being 40. 40 is when you learn to kick ass and you'll find you enjoy it!

Time to find your fucking anger and get a shit hot lawyer who will tear his personal information apart.

If hes going self employed then you a larger portion of the assets You cant force him to have 50/50 custody so you need to get a written up settlement on maintenance.

You dont need to be scared OP the biggest threat men like this make is they'll take your kids and firstly yours are all of an age their voice will be heard in court and secondly he's played his cards on what's important to him.

3 years from now your kids will secondary or in UNI, you will be with a lovely partner enjoying a time of your lives of being able to sleep in, planning trips away and financial security. He'll most likely be chasing round a toddler at 45.

Find your anger and fuck him up.

Check out a thread on here called friendly advice support group 5.

We have all been there . There is excellent advice. And it's a lifeline.

What a shitty man and a shitty father, and she sounds vile too. . You and your children deserve better. Don’t let him back into your lives, he made his choice.
Get a good lawyer and hit him in the pocket, he needs to provide for his children.

This relationship is doomed from the very start. He will be back with his tail between his legs within the next 12 months for sure. Just make sure you dont fall for it. As PP have said , get a decent lawyer on the case and show them both you wont be playing ball.

Op, he doesn't get all the downtime at the weekend and none of the parenting during the week. Every other weekend and some time during the week. Tough titty if he 'cant' do it due to his job, you work too and you're not there to facilitate his life any longer.

Agree with others about him going self employed, it means he can fix it so he doesn’t have to pay as much child support. She’s not controlling him, he has his own mind, if he’s stupid enough to do as she says then he’s not a good father.

If it is any comfort I have heard men who have done similar, leave wife for younger model, really regret it.

If he comes back, don't take him back.

Agree with others about him going self employed, it means he can fix it so he doesn’t have to pay as much child support Agree and what a complete bastard .

Also agree she also is not controlling him. He is an adult and makes his own decisions.

Honestly get the children to rock up and say they have Come for a month.

He's already done irreparable damage to his relationships with his children. Whether or not the OW is trying to control when he can see the kids, he's allowing it to happen by giving in to her supposed demands.

Unless he's an absolute monster, he'll come to regret throwing away the most important relationships in his life, but he may never admit it.

I wouldn't take him back if he came crawling and begging. He's shown he can't be trusted. Definitely get legal advice. I imagine he doesn't want to divorce because he thinks it will save him money, but you need to do what's best for you and your children. Screw him! He doesn't deserve a second thought.

Hi @LexieB you are sounding pretty low, I did find your post a bit confusing so hope you don’t mind me summarising:

He left 2 months ago for someone 14yrs younger, he’s gone self employed and doesn’t want a divorce.

He’s now living 1.5 hours away she lives 4 hours away and he’s just about to lose his licence.

She seems to be calling the shots on who can see who when?

Firstly if she’s still living over 2hours away and he has no transport it will not work.

But mainly you need to start thinking about you, do you want a divorce, he does not get to cherry pick here, you need to decide what you want. You also need to start finding your own life outside the marriage, not easy during covid but start making time for you.

The self employment thing could be a way of avoiding maintenance, so do take time to get to grip with all the finances.

Good luck and look after yourself 💐

I wonder if he’s gone self employed as it’s against some kind of conduct rules at work?

He's gone self employed to avoid paying maintenance. It's in the cheating husband handbook.

OP - when this happened to me I spent far too long lamenting what could have been and wanting the man that I believed him to be. I couldn't understand at all why he behaved the way he did but honestly, 10 years later, he's no better. You really need to focus yourself on accepting that he is what he is and you can't change that. Things will get easier as soon as you have that one in the bag. Remember that actions speak way louder than the words. He's not a good dad - he's treating his children like some kind of throw away accessory. He could stand up to his girlfriend but he isn't doing. His choice.

For your children, you simply need to tell them that their dad loves them very much but right now, it would appear that he's unable to be there for them. You don't know why and you can't explain it but that's what it is. Make light of it, gloss over it. You are there for them and you are all that they need right now. You are a family and you will get through it together. You've already had a holiday together and you have shown your children that life goes on regardless. They will take their cues from you so light, easy, not too bothered. It will make it easier on them if they see you coping and getting on with life without him. They can do the same safe in the knowledge that dad will return to their lives when he is ready. They are old enough to understand that his behaviour is bad but so what, we're a great family together and we're getting along just fine, aren't we?

It is so very hard and when I read threads like these I just wish I had a magic wand to make it all better. But having been there, I can tell you that it does get better and there is a life beyond this crap and you will laugh again and love again. After the storm comes the rainbow and then the sun shines.