2 months on From husband leaving

[LexieB]

I posted a while ago. Husband announced he was leaving day before a Fathers Day for 27 year old at his company. They had been friendly/banter since Jan. But only met up in lockdown and he felt so
Guilty he had to tell me before embarking on affair! He’s told me it’s over it doesn’t want a divorce. Is this for financial reasons?? The only explanations for it all that I get is I’ve fallen for someone else.
We had a lovely home 3 children 16,13 and 9.
Since he left he has just been prioritizing this woman never available for the kids on the phone. She won’t let him communicate with me it’s her way or the highway. He’s now living in a flat 1.5 hours away next to his work as about to lose his license for gaining points on way to see her as she lives about 4 hours away. She’s been off the whole summer holidays.

At the start time did not handle things well desperately trying to get answers. I felt so low doctor came to see me. I am gradually feeling stronger took the kids away for a week by myself and coping with all
The stuff at home. I just feel so sad as I was happy with life before. I don’t feel depressed or so tearful anymore. It’s just hard when someone leaves with zero explanation. I think he thinks in time everything will be fine as that’s what she constantly tells him. But the kids barely won’t to see him. Eldest son refusing to talk to his dad. It’s so out of character thought it was a midlife crisis. But to be honest it’s embarassing and deserve better. I am so close to his parents and they are being amazing. We were married 16 years together for 20.my husband is 41. He has a high up job and just feel like I have been traded in for a younger model. I work part time and have done everything for the kids. I just don’t understand why people treat each other like this. I just wish we never had to see him again. Sorry for waffling I don’t know what I am asking really. It’s the shock that’s the word. He started saying he could still come over mow the lawn, help with admin but to me honest I would prefer to crack on, on my own. It’s just never saw this coming and my future looks so bleak. I turn 40 next week and feel gutted I am now on my own. The OW sent him
Very demanding texts with her conditions and non/ negotiables that he had to meet when dumping us. Husband now says he’s gone self employed at his work! Which all seems dodgy as he’s in the financial sector. I actually feel scared of him and this OW as she is in a high up job too. I am going to speak to a solicitor next week. Just feel like ex husband and her are going to make my life hell. Actually feel scared of them. He was a good dad before but the kids feel dumped he says he hasn’t left them but he has in my opinion. Think he blames me for Them not wanting to see him. OW allows him
To spend 1 day at the weekend with them. It’s rubbish they deserve better. When they are back at school he will be no use in the week as so far away. I just need to get it all out of my mind.

@LexieB

Adultery is one of the five "facts" for a divorce. It's not his choice! If you find the £550 odd court fee it's up to you to raise a petition if you want!

I suspect - cynically perhaps - that sometime in the future he may wish to return. "Divorce is so final"

He’s told me it’s over it doesn’t want a divorce

He doesn't really get to choose this. You can divorce him for unreasonable behaviour, and adultery.

Do it, do it, do it!

He would have to make a reasonable financial agreement with you, and also agree on time with his children.

My Dad left my Mum for the OW when I was in my early teens. Mum shattered into a million pieces and Dad just walked away into his new life. My sister and I were left trying to stop Mum from killing herself, and ended up living with relative after relative for years until Mum was able to put herself back together.

It took me a great many years to stop hating them both, tbh, and forgive the past.

Be strong; show your kids what a good role model is and move on with your head held high. Stop being passive and start dictating to him what's happening, including him being an active parent. You can do this

I don't know if this has been said but be prepared for him to come skulking back when he realises just how good his life was with you.

You sound lovely OP and very self-aware about yourself and your children. They are very lucky to have you.

@LouHotel

Time to find your fucking anger and get a shit hot lawyer who will tear his personal information apart.

If hes going self employed then you a larger portion of the assets You cant force him to have 50/50 custody so you need to get a written up settlement on maintenance.

You dont need to be scared OP the biggest threat men like this make is they'll take your kids and firstly yours are all of an age their voice will be heard in court and secondly he's played his cards on what's important to him.

3 years from now your kids will secondary or in UNI, you will be with a lovely partner enjoying a time of your lives of being able to sleep in, planning trips away and financial security. He'll most likely be chasing round a toddler at 45.

Find your anger and fuck him up.

Agree with all of this .

I almost feel sorry for him, what a slow moving car crash his life is just about to be.

My bf's dh did this, he spent every last penny on his new girlfriend (that he did not have) on her, she fleeced him until he ran out of money, then she dumped him without a thought.

Meanwhile bf employed the best lawyer in the county and she got an amazing settlement for her and dc, enough to make them very secure. He ran out of credit, lost his driving licence because he was drinking and driving, then lost his job because he was drinking at lunch time, became homeless and is now currently living in the box room in his sister's very small terraced house with her 3 (very lively non sleepers) dc and BIL (who is still not talking to him) with no prospect of any improvement at any point, he is washed up at 51 with the clothes he stands up in.

Bf on the other hand is on her 6th date with a dashing and very keen banker who has reminded her she is beautiful and desirable, she is glowing from the inside out and looks and feels amazing! She has painted the whole house pink and has got her life together.

Karma is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

Become.

Thanks everyone you really have lifted my spirits. He just keeps saying he hated his ‘lifestyle’. I guess we hadn’t done loads of couple stuff as daughter does ballet to high level and just got accepted into Royal Ballet mid associate. 2 boys did footie so life was a lot of driving at weekends. Think I was feeling a bit fat/ tired from his long work hours and my stressful job so maybe let the couple stuff slide. It’s hard not going back over what went wrong. I was happy with our life and had no idea he wasn’t 🤷‍♀️ He had become quite jealous of some couples where we live that have amazing social lives. But they seemed to be people that had no financial pressures. The ones that remember the previous thread are correct. Like you say it’s his choice to follow her demands. He seems obsessed with her and upsetting her if he doesn’t see her enough over the kids. She has said she’s jealous of his kids and he’s not allowed contact with me!!! So impossible to co-parent. He has said he will see daughter this Sunday but this led to argument with OW so not sure why she got involved with married man. Feel scared Incase I end up on my own forever!!! Although plus size have lost 2 stone with stress and look better than ever! 😂 he never voiced he was unhappy. Sadly my mum is extremely ill and has been diagnosed with blood cancer. So everything is getting on top of me. Do feel the lucky one to have the kids as we have a great relationship. Have so many amazing friends just feel loved by everyone apart from my husband! Just feels like he will
End up with everything new relationship seeing the kids a bit. Him and OW will be 4 hours apart in the week so he wants to help
Us in the week to have weekends with her. But we don’t need his help in the week as he could not get here until late and I used to do it all in the week
Anyway. I would like to stay in the house as would kids and get a divorce. Is this possible can something be written in so when it’s sold in the future he then gets the money?

If he’s in the financial sector and doing this self employed thing to avoid maintenance or tax but actually being really employed then if he or his employers are shopped to HMRC it could destroy him. Not that I’m advocating it, just merely stating something.

Him & OW being 4 hours apart and her being so jealous & demanding is a bad combination- they won’t last.
The OW Sounds like she’s used to getting her own way all the time, and with kids involved that’s not going to happen.
I predict he’ll coming creeping back within 12 months.

Been where you are OP, 10yrs on life is good. Three months after exh left he asked to come back as he had found out the grass was no greener. I didn't mess around thinking oh maybe he has changed. My answer was a direct NO I don't want you back, me & the kids were not going through this again.

If you want a divorce go for it, get yourself a good solicitor who will pull your dh apart. If you have a local mums group on facebook, see if anyone can recommend a good family solicitor

Sounds like you are doing a great job. Your dc's sound like they are coping. Day at a time, you are doing well.

Not to be over morbid but if your mother is terminally ill and you are set to inherit get legal advice now as she may be able to change her will to stop him getting half .

My mother doesn’t have a penny to her name bless her. Reading the thread 5 of something someone suggested. I see it’s quite usual for the husband to suddenly claim they were unhappy and that’s why they had affair. Husband never said anything to me whilst together and didn’t look unhappy so maybe it’s to justify his actions

He doesn’t want a divorce as he wants to keep control, don’t let him. He wants you on the back burner so when his little mid life crisis fails he can come back. He needs a formal way to tell him to fuck off.

I think it would be good to get custody sorted. Your children are all old enough to recognise he is being a shit parent, the older ones will probably tell him as well. He needs to agree when he will see them. Start taking some control back.

Sending op. Keep one foot in front of each other and believe that the best is yet to come, because it will.

Husband never said anything to me whilst together and didn’t look unhappy so maybe it’s to justify his actions

Absolutely OP. It's all about not looking like the bad guy. Next he will blame you.

I'm glad you're seeing a solicitor - you will need one. And do take the advice to restrict contact via email or whatever. You need the time and space without him to start to heal.

Also, change the locks (oh dear you lost the keys in the park and had to for security). Otherwise when it goes tits up with OW he might just move back without your permission.

There may be a few reasons he doesn't want a divorce, financially its possibly better for him to have a flexible arrangement with you rather than a legal one, He may be delaying it until he has sorted his employment so he has to pay less maintenance, emotionally he may be trying to keep you in reserve in case it doesn't work with his bit on the side. Get legal advise and get it asap. Also get the very best you can. Best of luck,you can do this and be happy again, happier than you have been in fact. And stop believing that he and her have important or good jobs,your job is the most important and you're handling it exceptionally well, you are doing the work of two people rearing your children and prioritising them which is more than your ex and his plaything have managed to do.

Get on with the divorce, on the grounds of adultery. I faffed about when it happened to me and wish I'd done it sooner, mine didn't want a divorce either, maybe an insurance policy in case things went wrong with new woman, who knows. But if you do it, he doesn't get to choose, you can drive the process. He's proved that he doesn't have you and the children's interest at heart. If he does come back you'll be wondering whether he's looking for someone else all the time, whether the working Kate is a front for another affair. My now ex I discovered had been having affairs for years and I had believed his long hours were purely work related
His actions have nothing to do with your weight or looks. You could loose weight, have a face lift whatever and he'd still find something to pin his behaviour on, look at all the beautiful celebs who get cheated on.ex went for someone fatter than me with bad teeth. I got to realise that it's always a downgrade. She was on her own with failed relationships behind her, and she was desperate fo. r a man. All parents with children your age who work spend time bringing their children up, you did the lions share and you didn't cheat did you
There are always ways round difficulties that don't involve strange women and what's inside their knickers. Even if he de iddx it was over, the honorable way to go about things is to talk first can things be improved if not divorce, then look for someone else. But he's got 2 women at the moment, and both want him, how ego boosting is that.
Get leave a cheater gain a life, by Tracey Schirn, and look for her website chumplady. Wish I had come across it sooner, it would have helped me no end. As someone said cheaters are not original, they all follow the same script
And again as someone up thread said, much younger woman, want baby eventually. Husband of someone I know went off with a much younger woman, and eventually she decided she wanted children, so he had to undergo vasectomy reversal, and coming up to retirement is in the throws of intense parenthood and no chance of doing those things people look forward to in retirement with a spouse as new woman is so much younger that she'll be working until 68 by which time he'll be too old to enjoy it, assuming he is still alive,
It won't be easy to do the divorce but neither would being in no man's land not getting a divorce or him coming back and you always wondering what is he doing. Good luck, get a good settlement, and when the time is right a lovely new partner

Anyway. I would like to stay in the house as would kids and get a divorce. Is this possible can something be written in so when it’s sold in the future he then gets the money?

From what I understand this is very possible as you and the kids need somewhere stable to stay but talk it over with your solicitor.

Also show that you are willing to enable reasonable contact, ie late at night during the week on a school night is not reasonable, but the Sunday meeting your DD definitely is and if he then choses OW over DD then so be it, it goes against him. He will end up losing everything, but mainly you and the DC's, he is an idiot.

Don't worry about being alone, better alone than with someone who treats you like this and in your own space you will discover you, then you'll be in a better place to find someone else if that is what you want to do.

Thanks everyone you have been so helpful. Literally hardly heard from him the whole summer holidays as she is off work she’s in his flat. I just know as soon as she’s back at work he will then start wanting to see kids as they won’t be able to see each other in the week. Weekdays don’t work for us so yes I think he should see kids at weekend. His parents live near us and he could have youngest one to stay there but he won’t as OW insist he’s back
By 6pm on Sat and they spend all day Sunday together. It’s ridiculous. Everything has revolved around what’s best for him. As soon as he told us he was off he was staying with her up North in her house and would not even answer his phone to his daughter even when she was completely distressed. I have emails from his work computer where he has asked to leave work early to see his daughter/son but he never came it was to see OW! Who on earth does that!!
Other issue is I don’t want children to have any contact with OW and they don’t want to.can he make them????
He’s not allowed contact with me the whole thing is stupid.
If your self employed will he still be in work pension? Also the company was going to float on stock exchange at some point and he would get a share.

You can’t dictate who he sees on his contact. However she doesn’t sound very interested. It sounds like she wants to pretend he is childless. I know with older children they take into account whether they want to even see the other parent. I don’t think this woman sounds like she wants to be hanging about with unwilling teenagers.

Keep good records, so if he has arrangements to see them and cancels, write it down. Write down exactly how often he is seeing/contacting them.
He’s going to really embarrass himself over this.

God it would make me feel 🤮 the thought of them having to spend time with the OW!!! She’s only 11 years older than our eldest son. The older 2 definitely don’t want to meet her so that could get heated.

More likely to be a limited company than self employed. Check on companies house

www.gov.uk/government/organisations/companies-house

Also try and find out if there has been a redundancy payment, people rarely just leave jobs

Well he’s saying he was told to either take the option of Gross Misconduct or to go self employed as his boss had had enough of the situation. Husband tried to blame me for ringing him a million times in a meeting but that was because he was uncontactable all weekend as usual and our daughter was upset.
The OW was in a relationship with another 40 year old chap in the company who was married I believe and then was dumped for my husband! I think maybe relationships between my husband and staff were not allowed.

She’s a home wrecker and she’s after his money. She’s not interested in him because if she was she would be taking on board the children too. I’m sorry but his balls are firmly on her handbag
You do not deserve this and the children sl certainly don’t. I hope you can all come through this