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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson’s development/life skills

87 replies

Puglove85 · 23/08/2020 14:48

My stepson is starting high school in September and reading a few threads on here recently has me worrying a bit. I don’t have children of my own or friends/family with children (husband is older) so I don’t really have contact with any other children. Hoping some mums on here will be able to give me a rough idea!

My stepson does well in school, no complaints at parents evening but I’m concerned he isn’t developing other life skills he needs. Examples:

Doesn’t know how to tie his shoe laces
Doesn’t know how to tell time at all, not even digital time, doesn’t know order of days of the week, or months of the year etc
Doesn’t know how to wash himself properly or apply suntan lotion. He will come out of the shower with dry hair and refuses to wash it as he will get soap in his eyes
His clothes need to be laid out for him or he says he doesn’t know what he needs to do
Doesn’t know how to make basic snacks (toast, sandwiches, cereal)
Can make a cup of water with some encouragement but couldn’t make squash
Doesn’t eat any proper meals so wouldn’t know how to use cutlery, he always eats picky meals
Can’t lock or unlock the front door
Won’t go anywhere without an adult. His best friend from school was in the park playing football with a few other boys and SS would never do that. I said he could play while I did a lap of the park with the dog but he refused (I would have been in view the whole time it’s a very small park). He also wouldn’t wait in the car if I needed to pop into a shop. He would start crying if I insisted so he’s never been left alone.

Neither parents seem bothered about this so I’m probably just overreacting. I haven’t spoken to my husband about this either as I don’t want him to think I’m being critical. I just remember high school being a big step up from primary and I’m worried about how he’s going to cope with it all.

His mum said he’ll need to walk home from school and have a house key for both homes. The school is a good 2 miles away. I really can’t see him walking alone or with friends considering he is not comfortable being without an adult.

Should I do or say anything to his dad?

OP posts:
Sayitagainwhydontyou · 23/08/2020 14:51

He sounds like he has some form of SEN. Definitely speak to his Dad.

Luzina · 23/08/2020 14:51

Yes, talk to his Dad. You are concerned. Also get him practising with the door key and suggest to his Dad that they practise the walk to and from school together

MrsGrindah · 23/08/2020 14:52

Bloody hell he's going to have a hard time . Yes you should speak to his Dad but I’m flabbergasted that the Dad can’t see it himself to be honest. I have no suggestions other than perhaps devising a Basic Skills Bootcamp in the time you have available. With a reward for successful completion?

titchy · 23/08/2020 14:54

How can his primary school have not noticed he can't tell the time or know the days of the week? Confused

FelicityPike · 23/08/2020 14:54

Does he have SEN? Or completely babied? Or have they just not bothered?
I’d definitely raise this with dad (and mum if you can).

Doyoumind · 23/08/2020 14:55

No NT child leaves KS1 not knowing the days and months. Either he isn't NT or you are exaggerating wildly. Surely school would have noticed and flagged any issues.

Teach him to tie laces. Teach him to make a drink. Teach him to make a sandwich.

Original poster
Puglove85 · 23/08/2020 14:57

Thanks all. I have no idea how to approach this without coming across as evil critical stepmother.

No known SEN but he’s a very anxious child, very clingy. I think he’s just babied.

I’ve asked him about the time/days of the week but he said they never did it in school? I thought this was strange but he’s adamant they’ve never covered this

OP posts:
Brokensunrise · 23/08/2020 14:58

Can you explain a bit more about needing help getting a glass of water?

Original poster
Puglove85 · 23/08/2020 14:58

Just to clarify, he knows the days of the week but not the order

OP posts:
growinggreyer · 23/08/2020 14:58

Blimey, he is really behind. Most children can get themselves a glass of squash by about 4/5. Is the problem that he can't seem to learn or is it that he has never been allowed to do these things? I agree that you should start teaching these skills. How far away is the school from your house? Can you do a daily walk there and back so that he gets into practice before term starts?

BuffaloCauliflower · 23/08/2020 15:00

Yeh I would be very concerned. Amazed his parents haven’t thought anything of it. Days of the week is taught age 4 and time they start doing at about 6. He’s very behind. Not even behind able to make a small snack going into year 7 he’s either got learning difficulties or hasn’t been parented properly at all.

growinggreyer · 23/08/2020 15:01

This song teaches the order of the days and once heard you can never get it out of your head - sorry!

PeanutDear · 23/08/2020 15:03

Is he babied? I would have said no way could a NT child end up like this until I saw my own SS who doesn't have SEN but I'd babied like hell by his parents. Same as yours, can't make a basic drink, can't tell the time properly, can't tie laces, barely uses a knife and fork because daddy still cuts up his food etc etc...

It got to the point where I had a go at DH in the end and said he needed to stop because he was not doing DSS any favours. He thought he was just being a loving parent but it was the opposite of parenting, he wasn't teaching him anything.

I've had to give DH the 'look' a few times when he's gone to cut his food up or whatever and instead encouraged him to do some things on his own and he's getting a lot better now.

I'd speak to your husband. It will be embarrassing for his son if he never learns these skills whilst all his peers are miles ahead.

backseatcookers · 23/08/2020 15:04

His dad hasn't noticed that his own son is so obviously struggling with skills and concepts a NT child would have by this age? He sounds like an absent and disengaged father - would you agree? This poor boy, I couldn't be with someone (like his dad) who took so little interest in their child's development that this wasn't being looked into. High school is going to be so tough for him to start if what you say is correct.

FelicityPike · 23/08/2020 15:05

I don’t believe he doesn’t know the order of the days of the week...I think he’s at it, OP, sorry.

Doyoumind · 23/08/2020 15:06

The order of the days and months is taught in maths. Children talk about days and months from reception onwards. Time is taught in maths. It will 100% have been covered. Are you sure he's not having you on on that front?

PeanutDear · 23/08/2020 15:06

I'm still working on the snacks thing and I've realised now it's just laziness because DSS has never been made to do these things so now he's of the thinking 'why would I, mum or dad always do it'.

Well whenever he asks me for breakfast now, he is told yes of course, you know where the cereal/toaster is.

Rainbowshine · 23/08/2020 15:07

My 7 year old can do pretty much all the things on that list and so can his peers. Laces are a bit tricky (Velcro shoe fastenings don’t allow them to practice much). It’s the clinginess and lack of independence that would worry me most.

netflixismysidehustle · 23/08/2020 15:09

I think you're right to be concerned. Most NT kids are doing most of that list by age 8/9? (Not travelling 2 miles on their own)
It's easy to just eat packed lunches at school so the picky lunch thing isn't a big deal but if he's never been without an adult how is he supposed to travel the 2 miles to school? The parents are irresponsible not to have sorted this out gradually so he was ready. Going from being scared to be in the car alone to travelling 2 miles is far too steep a learning curve and quite frankly cruel. Does he even know the way to his new school? My son has a much shorter walk (less than a mile) and I still worried about it on the first day back. Has your son got friends to walk or bike with? Would he accept that ?

Original poster
Puglove85 · 23/08/2020 15:09

@PeanutDear this sounds exactly like our house! I think he’s very babied but then I don’t have much to compare to. If he wants cereal I encourage him to make it himself but he complains that he doesn’t know how much cereal or milk to put in so will wait until dad does it for him

OP posts:
mothertoteens · 23/08/2020 15:10

Some of these can be explained by very mild SEN that could easily go unnoticed (tying shoes, making food/drinks, using cutlery, door key). My dyspraxic 15 year old couldn't tie her shoes properly until year 5 and often struggles with making food/drink, using a knife, and locking/unlocking the door. The being without an adult could be some sort of anxiety maybe? Not washing himself or applying suntan lotion could be more that he doesn't want to rather than can't, both of mine went through that phase at that age, they've grown out of it now. The only one I'd be genuinely concerned about is telling digital time and knowing the order of the days of the week, that's very worrying for an 11 year old.

Original poster
Puglove85 · 23/08/2020 15:10

He 100% doesn’t know the order of the days of the week. He will ask how many days he is at dads before going back to mum. I’ll say he’s here until Tuesday and he says he can’t work out how many days that is, even if I try helping him with it. It’s like I’m speaking a different language.

He probably has covered it in school but has forgotten? I have no clue

OP posts:
PeanutDear · 23/08/2020 15:11

[quote Puglove85]@PeanutDear this sounds exactly like our house! I think he’s very babied but then I don’t have much to compare to. If he wants cereal I encourage him to make it himself but he complains that he doesn’t know how much cereal or milk to put in so will wait until dad does it for him[/quote]
In that case I'd go 'okay come with me, I'll show you'.

And next time he wants some and complains he doesn't know so will wait for dad you say 'no, we went over this last time, please make it yourself'. And ensure your husband is on board so doesn't run to immediately do it for him.

I'd rather him do it on his own and spill a bit of milk/use too much cereal than get his dad to do it all the time. He will learn how much eventually.

TeenPlusTwenties · 23/08/2020 15:12

A number of those could be something like dyspraxia or executive functioning problems.
Or they could from never having been taught/practiced.
Either way it needs to be addressed.

growinggreyer · 23/08/2020 15:13

The good thing is that if he doesn't have SEN he can learn these skills quickly. Even if he does have some sort of learning delay he will only benefit from being taught them. You have done a good thing, you have spotted gaps in his learning and now you can start to fill them. I would prioritise the walk to school, locking and unlocking the door and being able to make a snack as that will be the most pressing. Telling the time isn't so urgent as most schools use a bell and the teachers will say that it is the end of the lesson so he can follow his peers until he learns the timetable.