Stepson’s development/life skills

[Puglove85]

My stepson is starting high school in September and reading a few threads on here recently has me worrying a bit. I don’t have children of my own or friends/family with children (husband is older) so I don’t really have contact with any other children. Hoping some mums on here will be able to give me a rough idea!

My stepson does well in school, no complaints at parents evening but I’m concerned he isn’t developing other life skills he needs. Examples:

Doesn’t know how to tie his shoe laces
Doesn’t know how to tell time at all, not even digital time, doesn’t know order of days of the week, or months of the year etc
Doesn’t know how to wash himself properly or apply suntan lotion. He will come out of the shower with dry hair and refuses to wash it as he will get soap in his eyes
His clothes need to be laid out for him or he says he doesn’t know what he needs to do
Doesn’t know how to make basic snacks (toast, sandwiches, cereal)
Can make a cup of water with some encouragement but couldn’t make squash
Doesn’t eat any proper meals so wouldn’t know how to use cutlery, he always eats picky meals
Can’t lock or unlock the front door
Won’t go anywhere without an adult. His best friend from school was in the park playing football with a few other boys and SS would never do that. I said he could play while I did a lap of the park with the dog but he refused (I would have been in view the whole time it’s a very small park). He also wouldn’t wait in the car if I needed to pop into a shop. He would start crying if I insisted so he’s never been left alone.

Neither parents seem bothered about this so I’m probably just overreacting. I haven’t spoken to my husband about this either as I don’t want him to think I’m being critical. I just remember high school being a big step up from primary and I’m worried about how he’s going to cope with it all.

His mum said he’ll need to walk home from school and have a house key for both homes. The school is a good 2 miles away. I really can’t see him walking alone or with friends considering he is not comfortable being without an adult.

Should I do or say anything to his dad?

You need your husband to be on board though or it'll never work. He needs to be able to say 'no DS, puglove/I showed you how to do this last time, you can do it yourself'.

He knows he needs to walk home with friends from October half term. Husband has fairly flexible job so is going to be picking him up for first few weeks

How can his primary school have not noticed he can't tell the time or know the days of the week

Because it’s so common. Loads of sixteen year olds can’t tell the time on an analogue clock. Us primary school teachers know lots of year six children who don’t know the date of their birthday or the order of the months. They don’t know whether their own birthday is in two months’ time or eight months’ time It’s usually down to parenting. These are often NT children, mostly boys, whose parents have done almost everything for them for their whole lives, including thinking.

I'd bet my life he's dyspraxic with some executive function issues

Your husband and his ex wife have let this boy down massively!

Do you have the time to get involved? By which I mean are you able and willing to put in an hour a day training him up? It's enough fair if you don't! But it's fair more acceptable to offer help than anything that might be perceived as criticism.

If you have the time and are willing, a key skill to practice with him in the scenario you describe is walking to and from school and unlocking the door. Where I live most children make their own way home from age 6 (the infrastructure is different, it's a cultural norm, yes it's very much sage). The primary schools so school readiness talks and emphasise the duty of parents to practice the route to school with children during the summer, gradually progessing from walking together to hanging back to having the child walk alone and let themselves in with a Patent home. Children are also taught how to use a landline or old mobile kept charged in the House and who to go to for help (neighbors) from 5 or so, and are taught how to cross roads at zebra crossings and how to call the emergency services (not just the number but what information to give) during their last year of Kindergarten age 5, and this is reinforced at Home. Children are usually deliberately acclimatised to being home for very short periods with parent very close by - say walking to a post box 100 meters away or just walking around the block - from about the same age, so they won't worry about coming home after school to an empty house for a short time.

If you try teachings him these things and he becomes anxious and clearly won't manage his parents need to know. They might not like it but if he won't manage that's an urgent practical problem.

Obviously he should know how to tell the time, days of the week and how to tie shoe laces but given the situation those things aren't as immediately dangerous...

Yes, he may have SN, but he may really just have been overprotected massively. It's worth someone trying to teach him now to see whether he is able to be more independent once given the chance and support.

Obviously his parents should be teaching him not you, but as I say if you have time and imply you'd enjoy the time with him it's much more likely help will be well received where questioning whether he's "behind" even from a place of love will be seen as criticism.

Sorry about typos! My keyboard keeps changing default language.

not suggesting your SS has them but some red flags. my 9 yo has issues with time/order/distances and it presents as anxieties too. we have a formal diagnosis of dyscalculia so is being supported and has come along leaps and bounds at school academically. however is does present in some interesting ways in day to day life and social situations (ie waiting in the car would worry him as his understanding of time - waiting for 5 mins would completely throw him into a anxious spiral - we use timers on an ipod alot in social/public situations to help with time concepts). whilst it is a learning disability it presents so much more than just inside the classroom.
my DS also has issues with working memory so tasks like learning to tie shoes was a lonnnngggg slog (we got there!) and yes, assembling simple meals/snacks, getting uniforms on/involved chores done can be an epic task.

honestly, i wouldnt be so quick to dismiss his issues as a result of being babied. i would keep observing and calmly discuss issues with dad. its a good thing youve noticed alot of these behaviours x

He can't have come all the way through primary school without those issues being flagged up . Doesn't know the days of the week??

We have year 6 children who don't know their full names! They don't know their address, post code or even telephone number. I used to have to spend year 6 drumming these into them before they were let out into the secondary school world!

argh sorry so many errors... its late here!

@spanieleyes

We have year 6 children who don't know their full names! They don't know their address, post code or even telephone number. I used to have to spend year 6 drumming these into them before they were let out into the secondary school world!

Not NT kids, surely to God?!

Just a different perspective. My DS is 16 and still can't reliably tell t the time from a normal clock, or get the days of the week or months in the right order. It took him a long time to learn to do laces and even now he has to use elastic laces for walking boots.

He is dyspraxic & dyslexic and struggles with sequences. He also struggles to cut up meat and if we hadn't insisted as a small child would never use cutlery. Does your dss struggle to do up buttons, zips, labels on clothing, with writing, can he hop on one foot, does he fidget all the time, can he catch a ball, wipe his own bottom properly? If you answer no to any of these things, consider he may be dyslexic

Both dys's make everything just that bit harder as they affect his processing / memory skills, but then it has been up to us to ensure that we put the time in with him to make sure that he gets these things. So he can happily make his own food and all the other stuff that you mention but it has taken a lot of work from all of us and a lot of it has been about putting routines in place to help him remember what to do when and increase his confidence in himself.

I think you need to speak to your husband to get him onside, perhaps try and get dss assessed for dyspraxia and when dss is with you, get him helping you to do things and eat food where he has to use cutlery, encourage him to do small things on his own, go buy a few sweets at the shop, take bins out, open the door for you when you've been shopping and give him a chance to learn some life skills.

What does his mother think she is doing sending an unprepared child to school when he can't even currently open the front door?!

Other than time, which we are working on (and to be honest I teach loads of teenagers who cannot use an analogue clock), my 7 yr old has been able to do all the things you mentioned for at least a year.

He sounds like my 17 year old, who has autism but appears NT to those who don't know him well.

Absolutely don’t believe for one second that someone of his age can’t tell the time or know the right order of days. School would definitely have picked up on most of the issues you mention. Sorry, I think he’s winding you up.

That should have said mother and father! ( posted before I'd checked)

@Thisismytimetoshine

Yes, just your average year 6!
Schools tend to teach children how to write their first and surname but not middle names. I have to make them a name plate to copy onto the front of their SAT paper which needs their full name! They usually know the number of their house but you would be amazed how many can't get much further than that!

Days of the week is taught from Nursery, as is what day will it he tomorrow, yesterday, lets count how many days until.Friday. Definitely having you on there.
Also telling the tine. He will.gave learnt it but is just lazy, my 13 year old will.ask me the time rather than work out the Roman numerals of our living room clock as it is slightly quicker.

I would practise the school.walk asap though.

To put this in to context further, my (completely normal non-genius) 3 year old can do probably 60-70% of these tasks. I agree with PPs - if his parents aren’t willing to address this - whether that’s to teach him the skills or to investigate why he struggles so much with them, then they are failing him and he will really, really struggle at high school, never mind in later life! I also find it hard to believe that school haven’t flagged up anything at some point? I wonder if there’s a bit of selective hearing going on with his parents too. It’s great that you are aware of this and want to help him.

If this is for real, you're right to be concerned. My toddler is starting to try to do some of the things on your list (interested in time/clocks, washing himself with help, getting dressed, putting peanut butter on toast).

Poor boy ! I'd definitely have a word with your DH and see what the parents are going to do to help him prepare for senior school.

What does Can make a cup of water with some encouragement mean? Do his parents really expect a boy with that level of impairment to walk two miles home by himself?

@Absoluteunit

I'd bet my life he's dyspraxic with some executive function issues

I agree. Ds has a diagnosis of dyspraxia alongside his autism diagnosis and significant issues with executive function. Many children with spectrum conditions go undiagnosed even into adulthood. I think this child needs to be assessed as a matter of urgency.

I used to teach at a secondary school in a deprived area of the UK and went off curriculum to teach my bottom sets to tell the time by the classroom wall clock. Initially I did it to stop them asking me the time all the time, but the first class I taught we're so thrilled that I did the same with all my bottom sets. Bottom sets in that school we're a mix of EFL (some very bright but new to the country with refugee backgrounds) and British born children who'd missed periods of school, had SN or social and emotional difficulties, or for whatever reason had fallen through the educational net rather. Tbh telling the time might have been the most useful thing I actually managed to teach them. I had kids without any specific diagnosis who started year 7 unable to write anything except their named.

He sounds dyspraxic to me. I was diagnosed at 21 after I graduated. I did ok at school (but not as well as I think I would have done with a more timely diagnosis and adjustments) and went to a RG Uni.

I was very small as a child (bottom centile for height and weight, at 8 I was wearing age 5 clothes) and I was suspected of having global developmental delay. No-one picked up on the dyspraxia, or the dyscalculia. My parents never sought help for me as they just assumed I was a bit behind due to being small.

I was in my 20s before I learned to tell the time reliably.
I was in year 6 before I could tie my shoelaces.
My parents poured all my drinks until I was about 14 as otherwise I over filled them.
Same with the milk for my breakfast cereal - Mam would pour it and carry the bowl from the kitchen to the living room as otherwise half of it would end up on the floor.

• I fell over all the time (I also have EDS). I was always covered in bruises.
• I struggled to dress myself after PE etc. I was always being told off by the teachers for taking too long.
• I had a lot of sensory issues, I wouldn't tolerate tights until I was in my second year at secondary. Same with a bra, I needed one for several years before I tolerated one.
• I also found self care difficult like washing my hair.
• I didn't learn the alphabet reliably until I was 11 (our French teacher taught us the French alphabet in song form - I still sing it in French under my breath more than 20 years later as I remember it better than the English alphabet).

I completely fell apart when I started secondary school. We had to have meetings with the school to help me adjust. Teachers wrote my homework down for me for example and Mam made me pack my bag the night before so I didn't forget stuff.

Your DSS sounds like he would really benefit from an assessment for Dyspraxia - your post screamed dyspraxia to me.