Stepson’s development/life skills

[Puglove85]

My stepson is starting high school in September and reading a few threads on here recently has me worrying a bit. I don’t have children of my own or friends/family with children (husband is older) so I don’t really have contact with any other children. Hoping some mums on here will be able to give me a rough idea!

My stepson does well in school, no complaints at parents evening but I’m concerned he isn’t developing other life skills he needs. Examples:

Doesn’t know how to tie his shoe laces
Doesn’t know how to tell time at all, not even digital time, doesn’t know order of days of the week, or months of the year etc
Doesn’t know how to wash himself properly or apply suntan lotion. He will come out of the shower with dry hair and refuses to wash it as he will get soap in his eyes
His clothes need to be laid out for him or he says he doesn’t know what he needs to do
Doesn’t know how to make basic snacks (toast, sandwiches, cereal)
Can make a cup of water with some encouragement but couldn’t make squash
Doesn’t eat any proper meals so wouldn’t know how to use cutlery, he always eats picky meals
Can’t lock or unlock the front door
Won’t go anywhere without an adult. His best friend from school was in the park playing football with a few other boys and SS would never do that. I said he could play while I did a lap of the park with the dog but he refused (I would have been in view the whole time it’s a very small park). He also wouldn’t wait in the car if I needed to pop into a shop. He would start crying if I insisted so he’s never been left alone.

Neither parents seem bothered about this so I’m probably just overreacting. I haven’t spoken to my husband about this either as I don’t want him to think I’m being critical. I just remember high school being a big step up from primary and I’m worried about how he’s going to cope with it all.

His mum said he’ll need to walk home from school and have a house key for both homes. The school is a good 2 miles away. I really can’t see him walking alone or with friends considering he is not comfortable being without an adult.

Should I do or say anything to his dad?

The time thing is fairly common, I teach food and the amount of kids that can’t work out when their food needs to come out using the clock is shocking! Even kids in year 11.

I could never remember the order of days of the week, once I started high school and needed to know what books I needed for each day it clicked because I had to remember.

Some of the others could be a case of never been practiced and laziness, I think you need to agree with your husband that you both step back and encourage him to do more for himself. I have so many kids starting in year 7 that are clueless because they’ve not done it at home, he will be learning food at school and you don’t want him going in clueless and being embarrassed- or hurting himself in a panic.

I can understand the walking home aspect as we teach kids all about stranger danger and then all of a sudden expect them to be alone in the street after teaching them not to be for years. He might be saying he can’t unlock the door as an excuse to not be expected to be alone?

Sounds like someone who is severely dyspraxic. Watch how he comes down the stairs - does he so confidently using alternate feet Or does he put both feet on the step before moving onto the next. I have a huge amount of sympathy for him if he does have it. What’s his handwriting like? An occupational therapist will help to diagnose. Being unable to tell the time and being mystified by the intricacies of shoe laces are tell tale signs. Please be kind he may need help and support instead of badgering and unrealistic expectations.

If this is real, he will not manage high school if he’s operating at this level.
He will be expected to remember equipment, move around school, get himself to lessons on time - generally be able to think for and manage himself. His parents have either failed to identify his disability or failed at giving him independence. I think you’re right to start addressing this immediately.

I wouldn’t take on the responsibility for addressing this myself. It really is something his parents need to recognise and sort out themselves. If you do it, the likelihood is you’ll end up resentful and scapegoated at a evil stepmum.

I made the mistake of taking on this kind of responsibility when I first met my DH. Tbh, I was really shocked at his children’s poor development and quite how babied DSD was (and how ignored DSS was). So I did loads, but actually it ended up being me doing everything (without DH stepping in to do anything much with my DS, so he just lost out on time with me that I was spending with the DSC).

The biggest issue though was that (is that) DH gets defensive about his DC and I got positioned as the bad guy. DH finds them both extremely hard work (they really are demanding, poorly behaved and rude - he recognises this) but is too lazy to do the hard work of sorting it. And he has divorced dad guilt so he just wants them to have fun (except it’s never fun because they’re such hard work and so horrible to each other). I have stepped right back though because it’s not my job to make up for the inadequacies of their parents and I’m sick of being the one that insists on consequences etc.

DH has started to baby DSD less, which is better for her. It took til she was over 5 to get him to stop giving her drinkings in a sippy cup, and to stop carrying her everywhere (because she’s too lazy to walk - yet he’ll make her younger brother walk). He’s started to recognise that she pretends to be useless and helpless because then he does everything and lets her away with murder (seriously, I had to convince him that at 5 she was totally capable of understanding basic rules - after all, she does it at school).

He does have a go at me for not doing his job/enough with his DC now. But I’m not spending hours reading to DSD (and listening to her read) when her parents can’t be bothered to do it. I’ve passed along DS’s old books that are age appropriate for her, but DH needs to actually do the work. If he doesn’t, then DSD misses out, but that’s what happens when your parents don’t want to do something.

The best thing to do is to not take on any of the responsibility in the first place. You can try to discuss it with your DH, but expect a good deal of denial and defensiveness.

The real issue here isn't even his level of capability / impairment, it's the fact that it sounds like your partner isn't already engaging with professionals or support authorities and instead is either not noticing or not bothered...?

I knew someone whose children were like this, couldn't tie shoelaces or get a drink or cereal or use knife and fork at 10. Age 7-8 they required help in the loo, getting dressed etc. Couldn't pick out clothes Nd if left to get dressed would put clothes on inside out/ back to front, forget underwear erx. No additional needs, actually did well at school, just very babied. Very much used to saying 'Drink please' and parent fetching it. When I saw they couldn't even put tomato sauce on a plate with out asking Mum to do it that was it for me! I've lost touch with the family now but I suspect the kids still sit there like little Lord Fauntleroys as parents pick up after them.

I don't envy you OP. As a step parent it's a hard situation to be in.

The first thing I thought was some dyspraxia/dyslexic/dyscalculia combo. They are surprisingly often missed. Can he ride a bike and catch a ball?

I feel so sad for him, that he hasn't even got enough confidence to try pouring his own cereal out.

I missed the "high" part of your school and thought while some of the things I'd expect a 4/5 year old to be able to do, some were a bit much, Then I went back and saw he was 11!
It seems incredibly behind to me. Needing encouragement to 'make' water? And can't make squash? Pre school children can do that! same with a few of the other things. I'd expect a NT 7 year old to do everything on your list tbh.

Some things he might be ok with via 'sink or swim' - i.e. if nobody is coming to pick him up he will have to walk home with his friends, won't he? Other things you can (with the agreement of his father) start working on now - just don't do drinks or anything for him (including encouragement) so he'll have to start doing it or be thirsty.

Stuff like the days of the week and telling the time , though I would suggest you raise with his new HoY or SEN lead because that's the sort of thing that won't get automatically 'picked up' in school because it will be assumed that all pupils know it and that's how things get overlooked until you become an 18 y/o who can't tell the time!

@Doyoumind

No NT child leaves KS1 not knowing the days and months. Either he isn't NT or you are exaggerating wildly. Surely school would have noticed and flagged any issues.

Teach him to tie laces. Teach him to make a drink. Teach him to make a sandwich.

People love these sweeping statements on here. Not true I'm afraid - I found out last week that my 12 year old DS doesn't know the months in order (I found out because he was helping at the local food bank and needed to work out which food was out of date . . . . he is independent enough, responsible enough, organised enough and socially skilled enough to volunteer successfully at the food bank; he's clever and entirely NT, but doesn't know the months in order. Not sure how they passed him by!). Anyway OP, if there is SEN I am sure that since he is operating fine at school he can learn basic life skills like opening a locked door or making a sandwich. Why not have a kind of challenge chart, with a task to master every couple of days?

Needs to be addressed. Tell his dad to ask school to assess him for things like dyscalculia. Because thats what i have and even as an adult i struggle to count, recognise numbers, tell the time even digital clocks. And at school learning the order of months was very hard even now as an adult i have to go through them all in order to know which ones which. Him being babied is a serious issue that also needs addressing as at his age he should be able to be alone and make a drink and food and get washed and dressed thats very basic preschool stuff.

I would 100% be concerned and raise it with my partner

Sounds very babied or that there are undiagnosed SEN but some of these things are more common than you think in Y6 children. Agree with a pp that every year there are children (in our high achieving school) who don't know how to spell their full names. Days of the week is a reception and Y1 objective but after that it's sort of assumed they know so PERHAPS not explicitly taught again. I genuinely think telling the time is the hardest part of the maths curriculum based on the number of children working being age expectations every year, regardless of what year you're teaching. Unless it is taught/reinforced at home I don't think there is time in maths lessons to learn it properly. It's not unusual for children to be able to read a clock but have no idea roughly what time of day they get up, eat lunch etc.

I just 'tested' DS, off the back of this thread. He is 10 and will be going in to y6. His recent school report was all at or above expectations. He does very well on Sport's Day, especially skipping, so no dyspraxia and could tie his shoe laces in nursery.
However, he missed out 2 or 3 months each time we ran through them and couldn't tell me what month midsummer or Halloween happen! He definitely struggles with time, and I now realise he doesn't actually know his address.
I do do everything for him, not because he isn't NT or because he's babied, but because we live in a tiny, cramped flat and things aren't always straightforward. For example, the toaster is kept on top of the high kitchen units, because otherwise it takes up all the available worktop space. He would need to climb on the windowsill to get it down. Same with cereal bowls. I give him his clothes every day because they're mixed in with mine, in piles, depending on when they were washed/dried, and I don't want him messing everything up looking for his things.
Of course, I 'baby' him to some degree, out of guilt - he is stuck in childcare while I work shifts. I like packing his lunch - putting in little surprises for when I can't actually be there for him. My point being that it could be just circumstances - and parental guilt/compensation.
Does any of this, or similar apply to DSS?

No additional needs, actually did well at school

Children can have additional needs and still do well at school, just saying.

Thanks all. I have no idea how to approach this without coming across as evil critical stepmother.

Why would you come across as 'evil stepmother'? Surely you are addressing concerns for your SS, not criticising him. Are you not 'allowed' to have an input on his upbringing?

My ds12 just started high school. He also doesn't remember the order of days of week or months of year. He is quite badly dyslexic which could be to do with it.
He's also very lazy and would rather tuck his laces in every 2 minutes than tie them.
High school is a learning curve for all kids.

It's interesting that he doesn't even show any interest in wanting some independence. Most children like to be able to do these things much sooner. So it makes me wonder if he's frightened of/anxious about trying because he feels/knows he will fail. It could, of course just be that he's never had to bother and has just developed a learned helplessness and knows that someone will always do it for him. The thing is, he will never learn these things if he is not taught and doesn't get to practice. His parents have let him down severely. Either by making him into such a helpless baby or, even more concerning, completely missing/ignoring the fact that he has quite a serious issue that needs recognising and support before starting secondary school and having a crisis because he is in no way able to cope. Expecting him to suddenly being able to walk home from school is going to end in disaster.
Either way, his parents need to wake up and put in some serious effort to teach him how to do, and support him in practising, these every day basic tasks.
I've taught infants for a long time and we do go over days of the week/months of the year very frequently. Daily, in fact, as part of our morning routine. Telling the time is often a tricky one for lots of children but I see these things as 'life skills' rather than mathematics so I do say to parents that they need to be working on these things at home too, as spending a week a term on telling the time, and not in an every day, contextual way, is almost like trying to learn a different language once every six weeks.
It's great that you've recognised that your step son needs support and I think his parents really have failed him.

@Thisseatisnotavailable

Thanks all. I have no idea how to approach this without coming across as evil critical stepmother.

Why would you come across as 'evil stepmother'? Surely you are addressing concerns for your SS, not criticising him. Are you not 'allowed' to have an input on his upbringing?

Have you read many of the stepmother threads on here? We are, almost without exception, In The Wrong. We are not 'allowed' an input in their upbringing, they have parents for that already. Unless we aren't trying hard enough to have an input, in which case we are lazy and don't care and shouldn't have got involved with a man with kids. We're probably the Other Woman too.

@Thisseatisnotavailable

Thanks all. I have no idea how to approach this without coming across as evil critical stepmother.

Why would you come across as 'evil stepmother'? Surely you are addressing concerns for your SS, not criticising him. Are you not 'allowed' to have an input on his upbringing?

You’d be amazed how difficult it can be to mention anything to a parent about their children when you’re a stepparent.

Yes @HollyGoLoudly1. We are usually In The Wrong. Input is unwanted, unless it’s picking up the childcare/housework/whatever else suits their parents, in which case we’re supposed to do it all with a smile (even though we can’t have any input into decisions or discipline or whatever).

My 4 year old knows how to tell the time, days of the week, months etc. Can make their own easy snacks. Can tie laces 6 times out of 10. Knows why we need to bath and wash hair and will have their hair washed without (many) complaints. They’d also happily sit in the car and wait or go to the park alone if I’d let them.

That’s worrying and probably needs addressing.

Your four year old can tell the time @glueandstick? As in, it's 25 to 6, on an analogue and digital clock? Blimey, that is extremely advanced! Well done little glueandstick!

The thing that strikes me is that he doesn't want to do these things - my nearly 6 year old is well on the way to being able to do most of these things, but that's in large part because he wants to learn and develop. It's really worrying that your SS doesn't seem motivated to learn skills that his peers will have gained quite a few years ago. To me that hints at either the clusters of SEN others have suggested, or an underlying mental health problem. I've no idea how you would go about addressing this though. How sad that his dad doesn't seem interested.

You can't stop children developing by babying them. Children spend more than enough time in school to develop these skills.

If helicopter parenting was preventing him from playing with friends outside school, he'd jump at the chance when he was with you.

He clearly needs a neurodevelopmental assessment to find out what is going on for him. In the meantime, it would be kind for someone to contact his new school and let them know about his difficulties. Leaving him to sink or swim is cruel and could leave him traumatised.