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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Stepson’s development/life skills

87 replies

Puglove85 · 23/08/2020 14:48

My stepson is starting high school in September and reading a few threads on here recently has me worrying a bit. I don’t have children of my own or friends/family with children (husband is older) so I don’t really have contact with any other children. Hoping some mums on here will be able to give me a rough idea!

My stepson does well in school, no complaints at parents evening but I’m concerned he isn’t developing other life skills he needs. Examples:

Doesn’t know how to tie his shoe laces
Doesn’t know how to tell time at all, not even digital time, doesn’t know order of days of the week, or months of the year etc
Doesn’t know how to wash himself properly or apply suntan lotion. He will come out of the shower with dry hair and refuses to wash it as he will get soap in his eyes
His clothes need to be laid out for him or he says he doesn’t know what he needs to do
Doesn’t know how to make basic snacks (toast, sandwiches, cereal)
Can make a cup of water with some encouragement but couldn’t make squash
Doesn’t eat any proper meals so wouldn’t know how to use cutlery, he always eats picky meals
Can’t lock or unlock the front door
Won’t go anywhere without an adult. His best friend from school was in the park playing football with a few other boys and SS would never do that. I said he could play while I did a lap of the park with the dog but he refused (I would have been in view the whole time it’s a very small park). He also wouldn’t wait in the car if I needed to pop into a shop. He would start crying if I insisted so he’s never been left alone.

Neither parents seem bothered about this so I’m probably just overreacting. I haven’t spoken to my husband about this either as I don’t want him to think I’m being critical. I just remember high school being a big step up from primary and I’m worried about how he’s going to cope with it all.

His mum said he’ll need to walk home from school and have a house key for both homes. The school is a good 2 miles away. I really can’t see him walking alone or with friends considering he is not comfortable being without an adult.

Should I do or say anything to his dad?

OP posts:
alangarneristerrifying · 23/08/2020 19:50

He sounds dyspraxic to me, OR severely babied. Dyspraxic kids can definitely learn a lot of this stuff though it just takes more work, and your DH should definitely be working on it a lot. Almost like doing occupational therapy with him, it's a LOT of practice (I'm dyspraxic but have managed to live independently since 18, although some ppl take longer/ need support). If he's not dyspraxic or other SEN, he's either having you on or there's a severe parenting issue

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/08/2020 19:54

This is not remotely normal. I would suggest SEN and possibly dyspraxia but I have a SEN child who can do most of those things and is 9. Surely school have noticed this??

HollyGoLoudly1 · 23/08/2020 20:26

The fact that none of these problems has been flagged by the school makes me think it's more a baby-ing, independence issue, rather than SEN. If he really does struggle with motor skills to the point that he can't 'make' a cup of juice, I'd be gobsmacked if he's gone through the whole of primary school without them spotting it.

Plenty of my pupils struggle to tell time/work out timings. And I'm a high school teacher! So I wouldn't worry too much about that.

alangarneristerrifying · 23/08/2020 20:28

Also just want to reiterate what PPs said about being fine at school doesn't preclude things like dyspraxia. I was diagnosed at university, having got there with top grades in GCSEs and A levels, but I was having to get up at least an hour earlier than my peers to get ready on time. Having said all that, if he does have dyspraxia or similar, his parents should be making every effort to increase his independence as it will take him longer than most.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 23/08/2020 20:28

And I mean, wouldn't worry about it in terms of cognitive development. It worries me in terms of basic life skills! Sadly it seems par for the course more and more as the years go by. Mum/Dad/smart phone/Alexa will do that for me - why do I need to learn that skill? Confused

MitziK · 23/08/2020 20:30

I didn't realise how many kids got to age 16 without learning to tell the time until my first job in a school, including more able kids admitting that they were worried about their exams because they wouldn't know how much time they had to complete questions - unless there was a digital clock visible at the front.

They've just not needed to know - they've been got up, taken to school, they're told when to come in from playtime/lunch/break, they stay until they're told they can leave, they're taken home again. And then when they're older, they've followed somebody else who seems to know what the piece of paper means to get to lessons/they've been told to go to the next one by staff or the pips have signalled the changeover.

Add into that finding their own way around areas where they might not have been before or have only ever travelled by the car route/never caught a bus in their life, they've never had to read a timetable, move around school without a teacher chivvying them along, tie a tie, do up shoelaces, get changed in a hurry - and many more than you expect do struggle.

It is utter bollocks that DSS wasn't ever taught the days of the week or how to tell time - but he may have been absent or not engaging in it when they were taught. Especially if he happened to be absent or not engaging some time around Year 5 when teachers tend to try to pick up the last few who aren't 100% certain. It is however believable that he's unable to make himself food or drink, pick up after himself or suchlike, as a mixture of mornings where two pints of water gets tipped over the countertop and floor or glasses are dropped/drinks kicked across the carpet makes it possible that a harassed parent will say 'give it here, I'll do it' and never gets around to making them do it for themselves.

In any case, that's perfect for;

'I never got taught how to do that'

'Well, now's the perfect time to learn, then. Come on'.

Most kids do learn very quickly when they have to - some will struggle or resist, and some will be noticed and flagged up by staff for potential assessment/support. It's the reason why many secondaries have a 'nuture group' or form where more children have SEN, EHCPs or a gentler transition.

Of course, this year, it's likely that the transition will be gentler than the usual in at the deep end, as bubbles mean many are having almost all their lesssons in one room and they're kept largely separate from the other years for breaks and lunches. And we're aware that they are understandably more vulnerable, nervous, etc, so they're going to have more support than usual.

DSS might have dyspraxia or dyslexia, he might be babied too much, he might have learned helplessness. Encouraging him to do things in a chirpy way means that the ones he will be able to do are covered and shows the ones he can't or won't get his head or limbs/digits around. And you aren't the wicked stepmother, you've engaged with him doing something for himself/taught him a new skill/found out that he genuinely cannot manage something. All of which are good, compared to a conversation along the lines of 'there's something wrong with that child/you've spoiled him/he's lazy', which are all going to lead to huge blow ups.

JanMeyer · 23/08/2020 20:48

The fact that none of these problems has been flagged by the school makes me think it's more a baby-ing, independence issue, rather than SEN. If he really does struggle with motor skills to the point that he can't 'make' a cup of juice, I'd be gobsmacked if he's gone through the whole of primary school without them spotting it.

You would think wouldn't you, but the truth is schools overlook stuff like this, even when a child obviously has something going on special needs wise - especially when the child doesn't display any behavioural problems.

YgritteSnow · 23/08/2020 20:54

The fact that none of these problems has been flagged by the school makes me think it's more a baby-ing, independence issue, rather than SEN. If he really does struggle with motor skills to the point that he can't 'make' a cup of juice, I'd be gobsmacked if he's gone through the whole of primary school without them spotting it.

My dd was diagnosed with autism four months after first referral - a fast diagnosis. The school had spotted nothing and I had to take her to my GP and push all referrals myself. School were confused as her behaviour at school was exemplary apparently.

CaffiSaliMali · 23/08/2020 21:23

The fact that none of these problems has been flagged by the school makes me think it's more a baby-ing, independence issue, rather than SEN. If he really does struggle with motor skills to the point that he can't 'make' a cup of juice, I'd be gobsmacked if he's gone through the whole of primary school without them spotting it.

I was only diagnosed with dyspraxia at 21. I wasn't diagnosed with EDS until 25.

I was bright and did well at school - good marks in my 11+, got reasonable GCSEs and A levels and a good degree. I think that helps mask issues - my teachers thought I was just a bit lazy. I'm in a Dyslexia, Dyspraxia and Dyscalculia network at work and so many people weren't diagnosed until adulthood, including some apprentices who have only left school in the last 2-3 years. Lots of people had experiences like mine where they were assumed to be lazy and no-one bothered to try and help.

Apart from when I struggled when I moved to secondary most of my teachers would have described me as a bright girl, could do a bit better with more effort, quiet and easy to teach, shame she can't catch a ball or swing a tennis racket nicely.

I'd say my dyspraxia is quite bad, I always drop things and fall over, I forget myself mid sentence a lot and sometimes I think I've said something out loud but actually I've only said it in my inside voice. DH does most of the cooking as I struggle to cut vegetables and not myself as well. We buy a lot of pre chopped veg like frozen chopped onions and peppers as it makes it easier for me to cook if DH is ill or away.

I have a good job and do well - I've had to learn an intense organisational system but I get by. I just have a very spiky profile of abilities which seems quite common for people with dyspraxia and similar conditions.

HopeClearwater · 23/08/2020 21:34

@MockneyReject I do do everything for him, not because he isn't NT or because he's babied, but because we live in a tiny, cramped flat and things aren't always straightforward

Many children are brought up in tiny, cramped living accommodation. Your job as a parent is to teach your child certain life skills. Yet another boy is being raised to have a woman waiting on him. I see this year after year in my primary school teaching job.

Thisseatisnotavailable · 23/08/2020 22:41

@ExtremelyBoldSquirrels and @HollyGoLoudly1
apologies, I guess I haven't really read many step mum threads. How sad that concern would be seen that way. Especially as this situation does seen concerning and neither of the parents seem to be addressing it at all. My dn has a step dad and his input is always seen as caring and loving.

ShouldWeChangeTheBulb · 23/08/2020 22:52

Everything you have said points to executive functioning difficulties. He is most likely dyspraxic, dyslexic or he has some other specific learning need.
I have know idea how you bring this up with his Dad though.

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