Need help with DD

[OntheWaves40]

DD (11) behaviour has become progressively worse. I’ve made lots of excuses, hormones, lockdown, transition to high school etc but I just can’t seem to bring her back in line.
She’s sneaks downstairs and takes food, either late at night or usually around 6am, she’s always been an early riser. She’s getting fat (also due to lack of exercise since lockdown) but I can’t tell her this. Her room looks like a bomb has gone off, her dirty washing gets posted behind her drawers, bed etc. Her clean washing also because she can’t be bothered to hang it.
Today I told her she couldn’t go out until she’d tidied her room, I got in the shower, and heard the door slam, she’s gone.
There seems to be no consequences, she’s not overly motivated by her phone etc. It’s a case of out of sight out of mind. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried talking to her. She wants for nothing. In past 5 weeks she’s had new phone, new clothes, mini break, day out yesterday (her choice), movie night the night before (her choice). She’s lazy and everything turns in to a drama when I try to tackle it.
AIBU to think if I don’t nip this in bud now then I’ll lose her completely when she hits teens? How do I bring her back? 12 months ago she wasn’t like this.

So she has everything she wants despite poor behaviour. Perhaps you should start saying No! Stop making excuses for her.

No pocket money until room is tidy and dirty laundry in the basket. Stop buying snacks or lock them away.
Talk to her about food and ask her to help cook something healthy for supper. Take her for a bike ride or walking. No tea until clothes are hung up. You need to make a stand.

What consequences do you use when she’s behaving badly?

Yanbu as you realise that a short term "pain" will bring long term "gain".

There's a few issues you need to look at - the eating seems quite a big one. I noticed that over lockdown that me and one of my children had put on weight so I am being a bit more conscious of portion sizes and snacking. Also looking at more exercise as a family. Would she go out for walks? Always would give you a chance for a one on one chat?

I had a terribly messy room as a teen. I think your action here depends on what you want. Some would be wanting to ensure the room gets tidied no matter what - then you impose the consequences. Others might feel that it's her room let her keep it messy so long as it doesn't spill over into the rest of the house.

As for the laundry she ilwoukd be quite capable of doing it herself. I would be so mad about the clean clothes being flung around everywhere. Maybe the consequence of that could be her doing your own laundry for a while!

Maybe look on it as a short term pain for a long term gain.

@Mintjulia she’s not had pocket money for months because she hasn’t done her room but I guess she doesn’t miss it because she wants for nothing.

@Farlow I take her phone away, I cancelled her friend coming round, I yell at her, I sent her to her room and told her she wasn’t to leave it until it was tidy (she left the house and hasn’t come back yet, she will when she’s hungry).

@sunnysidegold I honestly think she’d just wear dirty, stinky clothes if I stopped doing her laundry. She’s that kind of child. She doesn’t wash or brush her teeth/hair without prompts.

What does she care about?

I’m toying with the idea of bagging it all up and leaving nothing in her room and then reintroducing stuff based on good behaviour but she might see that as a victory because she hasn’t tidied it.

@Sayitagainwhydontyou I’m not sure. She likes to play out so grounding her would upset her but it’ll also punish me too as I’d be stuck with her playing up in the house. But when she returns I’m thinking that has to be first thing I do but I honestly think moment my back is turned she’ll sneak out again. I already have her phone and tablet. She likes to watch tv, but I can’t take that away and that’s what she sneaks downstairs to do, eat junk and watch tv at 6am.

Agree with the others.

Sounds like she’s a bit spoiled. Are you trying to make up for any feelings of guilt or sadness you have because you’ve split from her dad and letting her away with bad behaviour?

Actions need consequences. Good and bad. There are lots of things you can do.

You could start with having a talk and explaining that her current behaviour is not acceptable. That you understand we have all had it hard with Covid and that’s why you’ve given her leeway. But she really does have to step up to the mark or there will be consequences.

You can buy a basic mobile phone in Argos for a fiver. Just for calls and texts. If she doesn’t behave then she gets her own phone confiscated for the day or whatever length of time and gets the cheapo. If anything happens to it she gets no phone. The embarrassment of that will probably lead to a change in behaviour.

Switch off the WiFi if she uses that for gaming etc if she misbehaves. Don’t give in and turn it back on. Change the password to something she can’t guess. My friend was crap with passwords so just unplugged the router it and put it in her handbag instead!

Rewards for good behaviour. Any dirty clothes that she’s hidden get confiscated for a week. She has to do her own washings to earn them back. If she doesn’t then she has to wear her school uniform at the weekends.

Just decide what you expect and let her know first. It’s cruel to just dish out punishment without a warning first. Don’t take any snash from her. We all deserve respect.

Clear out her room of everything and also hide every pair of shoes she has. Then she can’t go out. Make her earn it back daily

I cross posted lol!

I'd take her phone away indefinitely. She can't manage the use of it. I think phones have been useful during lockdown for dc to keep in touch with their friends but it's not necessary now.

"She wants for nothing" This can't be good for her.

I think if her room is as bad as you say it is it might be overwhelming now. I'd do it all with her so she can start afresh. I've two,teenagers and I 'make' them do one part of their room a day.

Monday bookshelves
Tuesday top of chest of drawers
Wednesday hoover
Thursday bed and bedside table
Friday windowsill
Saturday anything you missed!
Sunday all washing must be away ready for new week

I can’t believe you didn’t go and get her when she went out. Do you know where she’s gone? Who she’s with? What she’s doing? I have an 11 year old boy and would be worried sick if he’d gone out like that. I appreciate your daughter might be a bit more streetwise than mine. He only goes out to go to school or to play in our street on his bike. So if he just went off and I couldn’t see him in our street I would be worried. And also furious with him!

Of course you can take TV access away! Put it on time lock, or just take the remote control with you, leaving the TV with the sound muted and on a really boring high number channel (so even if turned on with the buttons you don't get anywhere).
If her behaviour is so awful, why are you buying new phone, clothes, doing days out etc? You have to deal with her being angry and parent! Don't buy the junk food, reduce her clothes down to an absolute minimum (removing all the new stuff) if she can't look after them
My ds has lost all phone and pc access for 6 months previously, and it was a pain for us, but he learnt that lesson the hard way that we will totally follow through and he's much better for that

He is also a bit of a horror and can never keep his room tidy. I’ve warned him I’ll go in with a black bag, which I have done in the past, but I think maybe it’s got so bad he wants me to do that!

@ScarsdaleSurprise

I'd take her phone away indefinitely. She can't manage the use of it. I think phones have been useful during lockdown for dc to keep in touch with their friends but it's not necessary now.

"She wants for nothing" This can't be good for her.

I think if her room is as bad as you say it is it might be overwhelming now. I'd do it all with her so she can start afresh. I've two,teenagers and I 'make' them do one part of their room a day.

Monday bookshelves
Tuesday top of chest of drawers
Wednesday hoover
Thursday bed and bedside table
Friday windowsill
Saturday anything you missed!
Sunday all washing must be away ready for new week

I've just screenshot this list to print out for my DD11. I'm forever trying to get her to tidy her room to no avail but this might just be the way to get her to do it!

Take the plug out of the television and put it in a cupboard/drawer in your room when you go to bed.
Confiscate her phone.
Empty her room apart from her bed and school clothes until she earns her stuff back.
Stop buying her stuff! Spoiling her is already biting you in the arse never mind when she’s a teenager.
Why didn’t you go after her when she ran away? She’s 11.

I'll tell my dc @Longwhiskers14 so they don't feel so hard done by. 😂

I don't think they mind that much as it does make a big difference for hardly any effort. We call it 'your five minutes'. They will say 'I'm just going to do my five minutes'.

I can't believe you're allowing an 11 year old to just walk out the door and not do anything aside from waiting for her to come back "when she's hungry." She just 11, ffs.

Where is she going? Why does she have no interest in hygiene, clothes? Why is she over eating? Why the sudden lack of concern for your feelings?

There is something going on and I’m thinking mental illness, drugs/drinking, bad crowd, or maybe even being groomed.

You need to find out where she is going and what she is doing outside the house all day. She’s young and at a very vulnerable age.

she sneaks downstairs to do, eat junk and watch tv at 6am.

I’m having trouble comprehending the concept of “sneaking” in your own home to eat breakfast (even a junky sugar laden one) and watch TV. Why do you think of this as being sneaky? It would just be an early bird DC to me.

Hide the remote and her shoes and stop buying junk food. An 11 year old leaving the house without letting you go where they are going is a massive no no!

Do the bagging up, it’s no victory for her, it’s showing her consequences. Why are you giving her everything she wants? Of course she won’t respect your requests if you’re giving her everything.

It shouldn't be possible for an 11 to leave the house without your permission. Can't you lock the doors and hide the key? Do you know where she's likely to have gone? Can you fetch her?

What food is she taking? Can you restict snacks in the house and when hers are gone there are no more.

My dd of a similar age has a disgusting bedroom and would genuinely never wash, brush her hair or clean her teeth given the choice. She is also gaining weight but I’m not overly concerned at this stage as her shape is changing too. I think it is important to pick battles at this age. I don’t think that the ‘excuses’ you mentioned are invalid. Their hormones are all over the place and the last few months have been trying for everyone. I can deal with dd room being horrendous as I don’t have to go in, but I will have discussions over her lack of personal hygiene and we encourage her to build good routines of cleanliness.

My dd is generally kind and respectful. I don’t think she is lazy as she will help when asked, but she does feel strongly about her personal space being the way she wants it. so we don’t think it is worth forcing the issue, although I secretly hope that she will grow out of it!!

I have to agree with pp, that I find it odd that you are not more concerned about the fact that your 11 y/o left the house without permission or telling you where she is going. I am also concerned about your dd ‘sneaking food’. Why on earth does she have to sneak, do you not allow her to help herself? I know children can be difficult but there does not seem to be much concern about dd. Is there more to this?

Sneaking downstairs and getting food really isn't an issue imo, both of mine do it and have done for a few years (youngest is 12). Also don't see a problem with watching TV at 6am unless she deliberately turns the volume up unreasonably high. I'm going against the grain here I think, but unless she shares with a sibling she's old enough to decide whether or not she wants her room to be clean. As long as you make it clear that if she wants it to be tidy she has to tidy it, I'd just let her crack on. The issue for me would be washing. In our house we let DC leave dirty washing outside their bedroom doors, but we have to walk past their doors to get from the washing bin to the washing machine anyway. Not sure how you deal with dirty washing in your house but if there's no option other than what you already do then you should just tell her that you won't be collecting her dirty clothes anymore, she'll soon run out of clothes and will have to sort it out. I'll be honest, I had the clean clothes issue with both of mine, eldest grew out of it at around 13 if I remember correctly (she also has a clean room now whereas she didn't at 11). I think it's just a phase, hygiene becomes more important towards the end of year 7/beginning of year 8 in my experience.