Need help with DD

[OntheWaves40]

DD (11) behaviour has become progressively worse. I’ve made lots of excuses, hormones, lockdown, transition to high school etc but I just can’t seem to bring her back in line.
She’s sneaks downstairs and takes food, either late at night or usually around 6am, she’s always been an early riser. She’s getting fat (also due to lack of exercise since lockdown) but I can’t tell her this. Her room looks like a bomb has gone off, her dirty washing gets posted behind her drawers, bed etc. Her clean washing also because she can’t be bothered to hang it.
Today I told her she couldn’t go out until she’d tidied her room, I got in the shower, and heard the door slam, she’s gone.
There seems to be no consequences, she’s not overly motivated by her phone etc. It’s a case of out of sight out of mind. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried talking to her. She wants for nothing. In past 5 weeks she’s had new phone, new clothes, mini break, day out yesterday (her choice), movie night the night before (her choice). She’s lazy and everything turns in to a drama when I try to tackle it.
AIBU to think if I don’t nip this in bud now then I’ll lose her completely when she hits teens? How do I bring her back? 12 months ago she wasn’t like this.

Sorry, I'm not sure where I got TV at 6am from.

Your DD has no penalties. You've spoiled her.
Grounding is not fun for s parent but if it has the desired effect it will we worth it. She's only 11 and should not be going out without saying where she is. And don't buy crisps, choc, sweets. Can't get overweight on apples.

Don’t buy junk or lock it away. Can you put a setting on tv so it’s disabled until 9am?

@AmyandPhilipfan she went out when I was in the shower. By time I was out and dressed I didnt know where she was but I knew she wouldn’t be far.

@StormBaby she went out in bare feet. She’s that stubborn.

Is she still out?? OP i think you're massively dropping the ball here. Your child is out, by herself, with no shoes on, and you have no idea where she's gone? That is really, truly not OK.

[quote OntheWaves40]@AmyandPhilipfan she went out when I was in the shower. By time I was out and dressed I didnt know where she was but I knew she wouldn’t be far.

@StormBaby she went out in bare feet. She’s that stubborn.[/quote]
Wow, think you’ve more to concern yourself with than her watching telly & eating snacks in the morning OP!

You have my sympathies op, I also have an 11 year old.

But, she can’t just storm out, she’s only 11!! If my dd dared to do that I’d be straight out and dragging her back!!

You need to parent more, get into a routine what works for you, including regular chores etc, dd for example:

Daily:

Make her bed
Put her washing away
Walk the dog
Tidy room

When requested (usually few time’s a week)

Bring washing in/hang it out
Clean bathroom
Empty bins
Hoover bedroom

If she doesn’t do these she loses her phone for the day, yes she whinges and cries, but she knows that the next day she needs to behave.

We also do things together such as play games etc, board games are a great way to communicate and get away from screen.

In past 5 weeks she’s had new phone, new clothes, mini break, day out yesterday (her choice), movie night the night before (her choice)

So she’s hasn’t earnt any of that then? Just given freely?

I’d give her points, earn enough points she gets clothes or days out etc

I would also.be extremely concerned about an 11 yr old walking out of the house bare foot. I suspect this isn't the first time she has done this but if it is you should come down on her really hard so that she doesnt do this again. If my DD had done this at 11 I would be searching the streets for her, calling friends/parents etc and anything else that would bring her back safely whilst simultaneously embarrassing the hell out of her. You need to take a stand asap.before this behaviour escalates.

@Sayitagainwhydontyou

Is she still out?? OP i think you're massively dropping the ball here. Your child is out, by herself, with no shoes on, and you have no idea where she's gone? That is really, truly not OK.

^this.

Massive big red flag, no shoes, outside, god knows where? And you aren't out there trying to bring her back? Fucking hell. A child with inappropriate clothing or footwear is a safeguarding red flag. If any parent sees her with no shoes they would be right to report it to her school.

Your casual she can't have gone far is shocking.

Please go and find her op.

It sounds like you have completely lost control of an 11 year old.

Out with no shoes.🙄

This didn't happen overnight.
Lock the door in to the kitchen.
Remove the tv remote.
Take absolutely everything from her and read her the riot act.

You have abdicated your responsibility of her at 11.
What do you imagine this is going to be like at 15?

She needs firm guidance, boundaries and and to know you will not back down.

OP the next few years are going to get considerably worse if you don't sort it out.

She should be grounded indefinitely until things improve.

An 11 should not be out without her parents knowing where they are.

I know where my 16 year old is.
This is basic stuff.

Best of luck.

I agree with a lot of the other posters.

If in the same circumstances I would consider:
-binning ALL the junk food
-disconnecting the TV
-lock all the doors and windows so that she has to knock in order to get in.
-when she's back, keep all doors locked and keys on your person.
-confiscate her shoes and lock them in the boot of the car.

She can work her way through her laundry and tidying her room before she leaves the house again.

Re. The bedroom:

Do you think she'd benefit from a complete "boot camp" of her room? Work together to completely transform it. Is she ready for a "grown up" room with a total makeover - the kicker is that it has to be looked after. If she's not prepared to follow the rules then she can keep her old dump of a bedroom with all the mess.

Personally I found my teenage bedroom overwhelming because it has so much stuff from my childhood in it that I no longer needed but it was cluttering my space and making my room chaotic. I really benefited from a big clear out.

Re. The behaviour:

It does sound like she's completely lost sight of the rules of the house. I wouldn't have dreamed of leaving the house without shoes or if my parents had forbidden it and my children are the same.

The consequences need to be clear that if she behaves like this then she will be punished.

Personally I would reinstate pocket money in exchange for acceptable chores (bed made, clothes put away, clear floor) and I would stop buying her whatever she wants and treating her. Her standard of life is extremely comfortable and it doesn't change when she acts this way.

I too am very concerned about an 11yo out all day with no shoes.

A couple of things I did when my girls were younger come to mind.

1. I picked up all the crap off their floor, etc, and whacked it on their bed. They couldn't go to bed until it had all been tidied away and sorted out. With me supervising, so it didn't just get chucked under the bed and in the wardrobe.

1. I took everything out of their bedroom bar their bed and bedding. Including their clothes. Behave like an infant, be treated like an infant. They had to earn back the right to some autonomy about their clothes (I'd put in an outfit each day, and it had to come out each night), and their toys. It took 24 hours of this kind of fascism for them to get the point.

And God help them if they'd gone walkabout, I'd have gone after them and made a present of my opinion to the entire neighbourhood when I found them - I did that to one when she was late home at the age of thirteen!

Next time you ground her and she goes out anyway, go after her, find her, bawl her out in front of her friends and bring her home.

Start making her earn each and every privilege. Not just keeping her room neat but helpingroud the house.

If you dont get her to understand she has to obey you at 11 the next few years are going to be awful for you and quite possibly downright dangerous for her. A young teensger with no boundaries, going out when they choose and staying out when they like, are easy prey for all sorts of bad people.

@FloreanFortescue I did the boot camp at the start of lockdown. She has a new £400 bed that she has drawn on. She has a new carpet that she spilt nail vanish on (she’s not allowed makeup, her is in my bedroom drawer, she sneaked it). New wardrobe that she stuck magazine stickers all over and bits of cellotape and tat and so on. So it didn’t seem to help. I cleaned it all up with her, and we organised everything so it all had a place and I explained to DD that is she gets things out she puts them away then they stay nice etc. Before the week was out she had wrecked it all again.

Those saying about the no shoes etc. She often goes out in her socks and gets told off for ruining yet another pair of new socks. But again, there doesn’t seem to be enough of a consequence to stop her doing it. It’s not uncommon here (cul de sac, kids in each other’s houses, water fights, cartwheels on the lawn, no socks etc) hence why I wasn’t concerned, it was raining, I knew she’d be in someone’s house I just didn’t want to give her the attention of going out knocking on every door (again) and bringing her home until I’d taken advice and was clear on a sanction and moving forward. Hence coming on here.

Those saying bin/don’t buy junk food. It’s not just junk food she takes, it’s slices of bread, cereals, cheese slices, yogurts, fruit etc. I know fruit seems odd too stop but she would literally take it all for herself and leave none for me and sibling and I can’t keep replacing because she can eat a bag of bananas, apples, grapes in one sitting.

@Penguinnn I’ll have a look at the tv now and see if I can lock it.

@mbosnz that’s what I usually do. She has been known to sleep amongst the crap, she also just chucks it back off her bed on to the floor.

She doesn’t like me going in her room and will tantrum when I do, probably because she knows I’ll be cross at the mess yet it doesn’t stop her doing it. It’d be nice if me going in her room was a positive experience.

@OntheWaves40

DD (11) behaviour has become progressively worse. I’ve made lots of excuses, hormones, lockdown, transition to high school etc but I just can’t seem to bring her back in line. She’s sneaks downstairs and takes food, either late at night or usually around 6am, she’s always been an early riser. She’s getting fat (also due to lack of exercise since lockdown) but I can’t tell her this. Her room looks like a bomb has gone off, her dirty washing gets posted behind her drawers, bed etc. Her clean washing also because she can’t be bothered to hang it. Today I told her she couldn’t go out until she’d tidied her room, I got in the shower, and heard the door slam, she’s gone. There seems to be no consequences, she’s not overly motivated by her phone etc. It’s a case of out of sight out of mind. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried talking to her. She wants for nothing. In past 5 weeks she’s had new phone, new clothes, mini break, day out yesterday (her choice), movie night the night before (her choice). She’s lazy and everything turns in to a drama when I try to tackle it. AIBU to think if I don’t nip this in bud now then I’ll lose her completely when she hits teens? How do I bring her back? 12 months ago she wasn’t like this.

In a nutshell - stop rewarding bad behaviour

@Anordinarymum I know, I felt sorry for her in lockdown. I thought the bad behaviour was due to this and tried love bombing her etc but it doesn’t seem to have helped. I felt bad that I had to cancel our summer holiday etc.

I guess what I didn’t mention much is she’s also got a lot more vicious with her tongue. She’s gone from childish insults to the “I hate you” ‘s and the eye rolling and sniping at her brother, friends, me etc.

My 11 year old isn’t allowed further than the street next to our house so I know where she is and can hear her and see to that street from a side window, I can’t believe you just let her out for the day without knowing where she is

What happened when she came home?