Need help with DD

[OntheWaves40]

DD (11) behaviour has become progressively worse. I’ve made lots of excuses, hormones, lockdown, transition to high school etc but I just can’t seem to bring her back in line.
She’s sneaks downstairs and takes food, either late at night or usually around 6am, she’s always been an early riser. She’s getting fat (also due to lack of exercise since lockdown) but I can’t tell her this. Her room looks like a bomb has gone off, her dirty washing gets posted behind her drawers, bed etc. Her clean washing also because she can’t be bothered to hang it.
Today I told her she couldn’t go out until she’d tidied her room, I got in the shower, and heard the door slam, she’s gone.
There seems to be no consequences, she’s not overly motivated by her phone etc. It’s a case of out of sight out of mind. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried talking to her. She wants for nothing. In past 5 weeks she’s had new phone, new clothes, mini break, day out yesterday (her choice), movie night the night before (her choice). She’s lazy and everything turns in to a drama when I try to tackle it.
AIBU to think if I don’t nip this in bud now then I’ll lose her completely when she hits teens? How do I bring her back? 12 months ago she wasn’t like this.

@OntheWaves40 What was her behaviour like at school?

Are you a single parent, or is her dad on the scene or a step-dad - how does she behave towards them?

You need to look at why she is behaving the way she is. Could be many reasons; lack of boundaries, trauma of some kind, feelings of low self-worth (so testing you to see if you'll save her from herself), anger, anxiety.

Where's her father in all of this?

I'd be locking the door & grounding her as that's all you say she'd miss. Get a laundry basket for her room & stand over her while she puts stuff in & stand over her while she puts clean stuff away. On repeat,til she gets the message . No more movies or days out either til things get better. If she's an early riser that's fine but make sure you don't have junk food available.

Thanks to all those who replied. Like I said in previous post it’s not unusual for kids to knock around in bare feet in and out of each other’s houses etc. It’s a typical nice family cul de sac hence her wondering off wasn’t a concern but her behaviour was. I knew she’d be in neighbours house I just wasn’t sure which, there’s about 5 different houses she goes in

Don't care what's usual. It's unsafe. You get abusers even in 'nice family cul de sacs'. If a predator sees your child dirty, unshod and clearly at odds with you, they will see a victim. Never mind what everyone else's kids may or may not be doing. Protect your own child.

Have you asked for or received any help with her behaviour? A lot of posts here are essentially blaming you for not being tough enough. I have a 7 yo a bit like this and we normally "win" on these behaviour and hygiene issues because a) we outnumber her (1 DC, two adults) and b) she's 7. We have finally got some help lined up for her this autumn after about two years of trying everything we can think of.

I think you need some help, particularly if she's the type who will simply get more and more defiant if you up the ante (because the behaviour is coming from anxiety and taking things away doesn't address that).

Look on Facebook for your local PDA group and you will get more useful advice.

I think you need to know where she is during the day as well.

Your 11 year old got out of the house alone without saying anything??!!!! IMO you have bigger problems than a little chubbiness!!

This sounds extreme are you sure there is not something else going on, either MH, bullying or possibly ASD/PDA or ODD/Conduct disorder?

OP, do you think she may be worried about going back to school?

I would lock the front door and back door - she is 11

take everything and put it in black bags. Leave a bed, sheets and few clothes. No luxuries. No phone charger. No more snacks or movie nights or days out. Stop treating her nice until she's stops treating u like crap.

I am inclined to agree with @Wearywithteens (I could have chosen this username myself).

I am well versed in the art of "would you mind just taking [whatever] upstairs with you on your way?"

Teenager: "Oh my GOD, I have to do EVERYTHING. And I'm, like, too BUSY." [evil stare]

Me: "Thank you - the you've done that, let's have a chat about [insert something you know they want to talk to you about].

And so on.

I absolutely don't pick a fight about messy bedrooms, though. I am chronically untidy, but one of my teenagers makes me look like a domestic goddess. I can't even bear to go in her room, but it's her choice (so long as she doesn't spead the mess even further, as the house couldn't cope with it).

I'd focus less on the stuff that doesn't matter and more on the stuff that does, OP.

DD is 11!! Who is the boss here?Have you ruled out that there is nothing worrying her? Could there be any underlying undiagnosed behaviours that could account for this ? Is she reacting to something? Has her behaviour suddenly changed? Is there a reason?

If not, and you are absolutely sure none of the above apply, you need to get a handle on this. Remove all privileges, including going out, yes it will cause you a headache but that is parenting. Be consistent with your message and reinforce the message over and over again. You will have to go through tantrums and dramas but they will eventually subside over time when the penny drops with your DD , but, it could take months.

For want of a better word "hide" any food stuffs you can that you do not want eating all at once. Long life cupboard type stuff bag up ( to protect) and put in garage/shed, boot of car etc. Bring in as needed. Or , physically lock the kitchen to "close" it each night at bedtime. I know it sounds extreme but i had to do this for a small period when my eldest was a mid teenager and eating at all hours. I could not replenish quickly enough and it cost a fortune. I was making 3 good meals a day, plus treats and home baking. My DC was not starving by any means. Just picking and choosing what he wanted and when and i was not prepared to have my rules flouted and my finances pressured with constant shopping.

My youngest at home with me now is 14 and they would never walk out the door without my permission and /or knowledge of where they were going and with whom. It is about respect and discipline ultimately.

Op, in the nicest way are you allowing your daughter this culture of entitlement? Have you been overly relaxed over the yrs due to divorce or illness or other reasons? I admit i did spoil my children when they were very very young as I worked full time and felt guilty, took me a while and some parenting classes to see i was wrong.

That said my Dc's were not like this at that age but that could have been because i put discipline in place in the earlier years. Could you have indulged DD over the years thinking it was the best for her? I am not judging, none of us are perfect. But, you do need to get a handle on this now , she will rebel under your new regime so you need to be prepared for that and to be in for the long haul.

It appears from your post that your DD dictates everything and you need to reverse that totally. Your authority should be ever present and felt even when you are the shower. You need to regain authority OP and this is going to be hard now but you have to do it.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude

This sounds extreme are you sure there is not something else going on, either MH, bullying or possibly ASD/PDA or ODD/Conduct disorder?

I agree it does sound extreme.

So sorry you're going through this op. I hope you have support, family or friends to help.

You need to come down on her like a tonne of bricks. Seriously, lockdown and worry about school is one thing but she's clearly going off the rails and you need to address it before she gets any older. Firm boundaries, no treats, strict rules. Lock the front door for starters and hide the key. Sounds harsh but you've got to do something. Good luck.

" It’s a typical nice family cul de sac hence her wondering off wasn’t a concern but her behaviour was. I knew she’d be in neighbours house I just wasn’t sure which, there’s about 5 different houses she goes in."

Erm, is this a wind up? Your DD wanders off to one of five poss neighbours, when she feels like it and you do not know which one?

You feel it is acceptable for your DD to regularly call at neighbours houses? Are they some form of free childcare for you? Do they interrupt their own family life and work to entertain and accommodate your child?

You still cannot see why she smashed your phone ?

Do you have contact numbers for the parents at each house in your Cul de sac? I would possibly start by group texting them all to make them aware that your daughter is grounded and not allowed out, so they know not to let her in or let their kids out to play with her.

Oh, and it would be at least a year or two before she got near a McDonalds again.

Thank you lots of advice here. Some opposing views which makes it hard to know which way to turn but today she has spent the day isolated in her room. It’s been very hard not to interact with her but I want her to realise how very serious this is and the vindictive smashing of my new phone has shook me.
Tomorrow I will resume interactions and will start by setting out the new rules in light of her recent behaviour and try to hit home that as the behaviour was serious the new rules will be. This will include me stepping up the supervision, I think I’ve got lazy with this and expected DC to be more independent when they probably need more structure and step by step routines. There will be no leaving the house without permission. There will be no treats until they are earned. There will be no pocket money and additional chores to cover costs of repair. I will try my best to be bright and breezy in the face of her rudeness as I know she’ll still fly off the handle when she’s tired/hungry/bored/stressed/winds blowing north-east/ take you pick.

Good news OP and I am glad you are going to take things into actions. Your daughter needs to learn independence yes but independence doesn't mean she can do whatever she wants and dictates what's happening around the house and is left to her own devices.

Independence means she should be able to cook a quick easy meal for herself without setting the house on fire (ideally by using the microwave), be TRUSTED to stay alone for a short while and behave responsibly (she can't be right now), be trusted to do her homework after being asked and reminded, things like that.

Independence come with trust, if you can't trust your kid because they are being irrational and acting like a 2 yo they absolutely need to be treated like a 2yo until they can prove they can behave their age and I am glad you realize that.

Have a deep chat with her about her behavior and why she thinks she might be behaving like that (there might be underlying issues and I think it's important to try and understand her reasoning, regardless), reiterate you love and it's because you love her and she has shown you she need more strict/hands-on parenting that rules will be changing to this new normal.

Good luck x

Good luck OP!