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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Need help with DD

95 replies

OntheWaves40 · 23/08/2020 13:55

DD (11) behaviour has become progressively worse. I’ve made lots of excuses, hormones, lockdown, transition to high school etc but I just can’t seem to bring her back in line.
She’s sneaks downstairs and takes food, either late at night or usually around 6am, she’s always been an early riser. She’s getting fat (also due to lack of exercise since lockdown) but I can’t tell her this. Her room looks like a bomb has gone off, her dirty washing gets posted behind her drawers, bed etc. Her clean washing also because she can’t be bothered to hang it.
Today I told her she couldn’t go out until she’d tidied her room, I got in the shower, and heard the door slam, she’s gone.
There seems to be no consequences, she’s not overly motivated by her phone etc. It’s a case of out of sight out of mind. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried talking to her. She wants for nothing. In past 5 weeks she’s had new phone, new clothes, mini break, day out yesterday (her choice), movie night the night before (her choice). She’s lazy and everything turns in to a drama when I try to tackle it.
AIBU to think if I don’t nip this in bud now then I’ll lose her completely when she hits teens? How do I bring her back? 12 months ago she wasn’t like this.

OP posts:
Chocolate4me · 23/08/2020 21:18

You need to start with the removal of going out, I know it gives you peace but if this is her interest, this is where you start. Lock the doors and windows, put the keys in your pocket and tell her she is not going out until her room is tidy and she has been respectful for a full 24 hours. Then she can go out, if her room is tidy, she is washed and hasn't been rude etc. I would at the same time remove the gadgets and TV in that 24 hours. Be very firm about she needs permission from you before she ever leaves the house again.
My 12 year old has threatened to leave the house before but only ever made it as far as the door, I locked it and took his shoes the next time I wanted to set some rules that I knew he wouldn't like!!
We also take away his xbox, phone etc. For 24 hrs at a time for keep being rude or argumentative.... It's a tricky age, but respect definitely needs to be taught and rewards earnt

ShawshanksRedemption · 23/08/2020 21:37

"I just didn’t want to give her the attention of going out knocking on every door (again)"

I would stay calm and go and get my daughter. I would explain to the people those house she is in that she wasn't given permission to go out as she has X, Y and Z to do first.

Bottom line I think your DD has lost respect for you. Does she ever get time just with you so you can just bond as mum/daughter? Could the extra eating be comfort eating?
It seems like you're trying to buy her with all the new stuff she's got - why have you given it to her? Is there something else happening in the family that you feel you have to give her stuff all the time?

LadyFuschia · 23/08/2020 21:43

Just a quick comment - the love bombing needs to be more emotional and verbal rather than with things! And you have to really connect the bad behaviour to a natural consequence and then a reward to a specific bit of desirable behaviour.

I would be really firm with her as above, whilst repeating that you love and value her as a person, but you need her behaviour to change.

I have a messy, moody 11 year old who dodges the shower and needs a daily reminder about washing / deodorant... it is really hard sometimes and she saves her best hideousness for me (!). I make sure I emotionally connect with her when I have an opportunity to make up for the tricky times.

She just got a phone and it has given me more leverage as I can remove it which she cares about. She doesn’t sneak food much but she’s of an age to help herself to some extent and so I manage by not having to much rubbish that she can have. She knows I will stop buying it if it goes too fast. She has only just started going out round our village but always asks... if she went out without telling me there would be a significant consequence as that is not safe!

WiddlinDiddlin · 23/08/2020 21:56

If she's got filthy clothes on, doesn't wash or brush her hair and runs around barefoot, I suspect she won't be welcome in other peoples houses for much longer, nor will her friends want to hang around with her.

I think that issue would be fairly self limiting tbh.. unless all her friends smell too?

VeniceQueen2004 · 23/08/2020 22:06

I'm AMAZED you let your 11 to out all day and don't know where they are. Especially unkempt and partially clothed. She will look neglected which is what predators look out for. As soon as you realised she was gone you should have been out looking for her, not shrugging your shoulders and posting on Mumsnet!! She's a little girl. You need to be protecting her.

ravensoaponarope · 23/08/2020 22:09

If she's taking healthy food, is it that she's hungry?

WingingItSince1973 · 23/08/2020 22:28

Please let us know that shes back home safe. You are more concerned with her room and 'sneaking' food than her leaving the house in the rain with no shoes and could be anywhere! You don't want to give her the satisfaction of looking for her??!! Maybe that would show that she's actually loved and missed. Sounds like a normal nearly teenage girl in alot of respects but also she's still a young child who needs her mums attention.

Namechange8471 · 24/08/2020 11:46

She will look neglected which is what predators look out for.

Yes to this! She will be seen as vulnerable, I wouldn’t be surprised if you had a call/knock off the police etc, it’s normal to run about outside with no shoes on.

OntheWaves40 · 24/08/2020 18:24

Thanks to all those who replied. Like I said in previous post it’s not unusual for kids to knock around in bare feet in and out of each other’s houses etc. It’s a typical nice family cul de sac hence her wondering off wasn’t a concern but her behaviour was. I knew she’d be in neighbours house I just wasn’t sure which, there’s about 5 different houses she goes in.

However, today things have gone from bad to worse. We had another argument because I said no to going to McDs. I got a new phone last week, she has calmly taken it a while later and deliberately smashed it. I’m at a total loss.

OP posts:
user1492809438 · 24/08/2020 18:29

Parent lock on TV?

BluebellsGreenbells · 24/08/2020 18:29

Now do what PP said and clear her room.

All of it.

Say nothing while you do it. Total silence.

Porcupineinwaiting · 24/08/2020 18:35

So she has no phone then. No phone today, no phone tomorrow, no phone next week or next month.

Seems to me that she's begging you to show her where the boundaries are. Suggest you try calm but very firm.

TheoneandObi · 24/08/2020 18:42

She's not 'sneaking' food. She's eating food in her own home. And getting a bit chubby is normal at 11. Hormones, filling out before an upward growth spurt. Mind you don't spark an eating disorder with your weird food related language. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
The other stuff'... does she swear? Does she keep dodgy company? Like everyone else she's been through an upheaval with lockdown and lack of structure with no school. Insist on some sort of order in her room and with the laundry, but also wait and see how the return to school pans out. I bet she won't want friends coming back and seeing the mess.

caramac04 · 24/08/2020 18:46

Unkempt, shoeless, unhappy. Exactly what a groomer/predator looks for. Your daughter is extremely vulnerable and you should be very worried.
Lots of good advice already upthread but in a nutshell your daughter needs firm and consistent boundaries alongside a lot of love. It might be difficult at times to compliment her but she needs to feel loved by you. I know it’s early but maybe get up with her and make her a nice breakfast of, say, granola with yoghurt and fresh fruit. Take an interest in her.
I know you might not feel like giving her positive attention but it’s what she needs. She is a child. A child needs love and attention not material stuff.
Remember how much you love her, give her that love - even tough love - to get her back.

pooopypants · 24/08/2020 18:47

So she's treating you like shit but 'wants for nothing'

Stop buying her things, she needs to earn them. And start saying "no"

TheoneandObi · 24/08/2020 18:48

Totally agree with the positive attention advice. It's not rewarding bad behavior; it's encouraging good. 11 is no age. Is she about to go to secondary school? This is a key time. You want her to make good connections there and set good habits. Is there anything she enjoys doing rather than having? Something to do together?

drspouse · 24/08/2020 18:53

My DS, who has ADHD, both "comes down and eats food in our house" (he comes and serves himself breakfast, takes an apple at snack time, makes himself a piece of toast) and "sneaks food" (takes the crisps for packed lunches to his room after bedtime, hides the packets in his drawers, and eats the whole jar of chocolate spread with a spoon, when he knows he'll get a packet in his lunch/a piece of toast with chocolate spread in the morning). They are different, he's impulsive, we try and keep temptation out of his way.

He also has jobs to do (homework, learning apps, put his wash in the machine or tidy his room depending on the day) and after that he gets screen time. We use a Wi-Fi plug for the TV and codes for the tablets. He usually just does whatever his job is without complaining.

Namechange8471 · 24/08/2020 19:16

Right op she doesn’t get a phone then, she doesn’t need one anyway.

She needs grounding and her things taken away, that behaviour is unacceptable.

My dd went through a phase a while back (not as bad as purposefully smashing a phone!) . All her toys, games, phone etc was taken from her room, she was left with her bed and her wardrobe. She’s never been as bad since.

BluebellsGreenbells · 24/08/2020 20:11

Ask yourself this OP, if a friend did these things towards you, would you just accept it and buy them new clothes? A new phone?

You want your daughter to be a functioning adult, not just yet, but she should be showing those behaviors.

You need to show her natural consequences.

Elieza · 24/08/2020 23:32

Was the phone she deliberately smashed yours or hers?
If hers she doesn’t get a new one or she gets a fiver one from Argos.

If yours she has to give you hers to replace it. Then she can do without or get the fiver one from Argos.

You have to show her there are consequences for her actions. Until you start doing this her behaviour will get worse.

RedSoloCup · 24/08/2020 23:39

Wow I have 3 girls 9-15 and I'm shocked she behaves like this it needs to be nipped in the bud you are in charge not her!

OntheWaves40 · 25/08/2020 02:50

We do spend a lot of time together. We played board games this morning before she broke my phone. We have lots of 1-1 time with lots of positive communication in between the difficult times when she’s either demand avoidant or unable to accept No to her frequent requests.

OP posts:
Linning · 25/08/2020 04:53

I am sorry OP, but it's clear your kid has absolutely ZERO respect for you, and I am NOT surprised.

You let her get away with murder and reward her behavior by her never really missing out on anything, she is CRYING for boundaries and you are not giving it to her, the fact that you didn't go get her when she left will be further proof to her that you don't actually care and have given up. Kids need guidance and in fact they WANT guidance (trust me my mom didn't set boundaries and gave up on trying to educate us and it built so much resentment for me as I needed the protection and guidance that come with boundaries).
You are failing your daughter by not being proactive. If she was my kid I would fall on her like a tone of bricks.

A- Check that there is no underlying issues that's causing her to act and cry for help in the way she does (I was sexually assaulted at 12 and I went into rage and that's when my mom started giving up on me instead of realizing something traumatic had happened and I was calling for help rather than genuinely being a terrible human being)
B- Tell her that you love her and will always be there if she needs to talk or if she feels she needs third party help to talk to (therapist) but that her conduct is unacceptable and that you WON'T tolerate it and that from now on things are going to change.
C- Start by canceling everything that was planned for this week and tell her she is not allowed to go out (and for the love of everything, lock the front door and keep the keys at all time with you). That if she does, you will make sure she gets home in the back of a police car as you will report her as missing.
D- Request she cleans her room and give her a firm timeline. ''Tomorrow your room needs to be clean before 6pm or everything in her room that's not clothes and books will disappear."
E- Make sure she knows that she will have to work for the phone she broke (and give her tasks to do and ensure she does them).
F- Set boundaries and strong consequences and stick to them. No matter what she does.
G- Make sure she understands that this is your house, and your mom not her best friend and the same way you can be nice and cool you can also be strict and firm and will have her respect you and your property.

She is 11, if you let her run circles around you at 11, at 16 she will act like your house is an hotel (which she seem to do already!) and you will end up dreading living in your own home. Cut it off now and react. For your sake but also her own, she is calling for help and if you don't giver her boundaries she will continue to spiral out of control in seek of those boundaries and might end up in terrible situations later down the line.

Good luck and please, don't back down.

I was very challenging after my sexual assault but I was hurting and I knew my behaviour was unnaceptable I didn't need nor wanted a pass, I had just been left to feel extremely unsafe (my assault was by close family friends in an environment I once saw as safe) and I was craving boundaries to feel safe again and to be made aware that my parents noticed I wasn't doing okay and were ready to take immediate actions to protect me from me and them from me as well. I would have hated them setting boundaries because who likes rules but deep-down I knew then and definitely know now that that's what I really needed and was craving for by my behavior. So please set boundaries, she will reject them but boundaries are that safety net kids need to know that if they jump too far they WILL be caught and was just be let to fall and crash and burn.

If when at my worse my mom didn't even bother to look for me when I left the house unexpectedly barefeet it would have only increased my reality that I can't trust my mom to keep me safe (which was my issue).

So please, show your kids you care and will be the annoying overbearing mom if you need to be because her safety is more important than you two getting along. It's super important.

Linning · 25/08/2020 04:57

and won't just be let to fall and crash and burn.

snitzelvoncrumb · 25/08/2020 05:13

I can't speak from personal experience as my kids are younger. But a friend went through something similar with their daughter and my friend took everything from her, all her daughter had left was mattress and bedding on the floor, school uniform, underwear and one outfit to wear on the weekend. Everything was locked in the garage. When that didn't work she took her daughter to donate all her belongings to charity. Once she realised mum was serious she started to behave.