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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Anyone else's family not believe that WFH = work?

106 replies

InescapableDeath · 23/08/2020 10:29

My husband and I have been working from home since lockdown, also home-educating two kids for most of that. It's been exhausting (I know a lot of people have it tougher).

I don't think our parents believe we actually have work to do? My husband works fulltime, and I work part-time in a really full-on agency job where I have to declare what I'm doing by the hour. I've compressed my hours to four long days over the lockdown/holidays so I can actually spend Fridays talking to my children - as soon as they are back to school I'm doing five shorter days again.

My parents and the in-laws have done things like phoning in the day and getting a bit upset if we can't chat. Inviting us to garden parties on a Thursday and being super surprised that we have work to do? Not understanding that as well as working in the day, we often have to work in the evening as well. I'm not expecting them to throw a pity party for us - it is what it is - but they haven't ever even offered sympathy or 'that sounds hard'.

My parents rang yesterday to announce they are visiting us soon which is great - we haven't seen them since about January.

But they're arriving the Friday morning that the kids are back at school and I was planning to be back working Fridays then! My husband will have loads of work/calls to be doing too. It's pointless telling them to come later. They leave home at 6am so they can get to ours at 9 and beat the traffic.

Every time I mentioned the work situation my dad completely changed the topic - I don't think it's malicious, he just doesn't get what my work actually involves and if I'm not going 'out' to work, it's like he thinks can't be that big a deal (he essentially worked in a factory when he was working).

I want to see them so it's fine, I will move back working Fridays by one week but I honestly think both sets of parents think we are just doing gardening while we're working from home...

I really can't work AND see them - I usually have deadlines for work in the course of a day, as well as loads of video calls, random calls on my phone, etc. Last time the in-laws popped in I ended up cancelling all my afternoon meetings and doing the work in the evening. Not ideal.

ARGH, is it just me?

OP posts:

Ghostlyglow · 23/08/2020 17:20

In laws were really shocked that I have to (virtually) clock in and out and record all my work on a docket which accounts for every minute

Happynow001 · 23/08/2020 17:24

@middleager

A newish friend keeps "popping" over. I have explained I'm working, but she comes at random times.

One day she turned up in the middle of a key meeting with all the senior bosses. I had to answer the door with my laptop, muting sound and visual. She'd bought round some home cooked food and I felt awful for just asking if she could leave it in the porch as I was in a critical meeting. I then panicked as I'd missed some of the meeting.

How would you feel about putting a "Do not disturb"note on your front door that you are working/on conference calls and to please not ring the bell/knock?

Hardbackwriter · 23/08/2020 17:26

I love them but this really annoys me with my PIL. FIL thinks a desk job isn't a real job in the first place - you just sit around drinking coffee, right? - and WFH is just being on holiday. They kept asking DH and I 'what we'd been up to' when we'd been interspersing working and shifts with a 2 year old from 6am to 10pm. They were both astonished and quite disapproving that DS went back to nursery when it reopened even though we were still both working from home. They also just have no idea in the first place what it's like if you have children, both work and don't have jobs that you leave at dot of 5 - MIL gave up work because it was too tiring in early pregnancy (!) and never went back. They're constantly astonished that we don't, say, redecorate the house or redo the gutters during the week. There was a bit of a sulk this weekend because they suggested they came and helped us decorate (which I know is very kind but also kind of annoying, they're obsessed with the state of our house) and were astonished that I said I didn't want to spend both weekend days decorating, after a week working, looking after a toddler - oh, and being pregnant. It was clear that they felt I was being very idle - after all, I've been at home all week!

PurBal · 23/08/2020 17:27

I'll join the club. I work full time too and the attitude is not only irritating but it's really insulting too. Anytime my mother calls she says "Are you working today?" And I'm like, yeah, it's daytime on weekday. And if I am in the office (sporadic but necessary) it's a surprised "Oh! You're working?" And again I'm like, yeah, it's a weekday. I've taken to spelling it out. "I know I'm physically at home but I am employed to do 40 hours a week, no I can't meet up for lunch/coffee/afternoon tea, I am working". It's repetitive.

OrangeBlossomsinthesun · 23/08/2020 17:29

MIL does this to DH. He's working as a call centre operative from home, so unless he's on his hourly 5 minute loo break he is literally on a call. She thinks she can just walk in and talk to him and gets offended when he can't chat.

middleager · 23/08/2020 17:33

How would you feel about putting a "Do not disturb"note on your front door that you are working/on conference calls and to please not ring the bell/knock?*

I could do this. I was surprised as I said I had a really important meeting.
When I looked out (I sit right by the window downstairs) she was there carrying a box of homemade food and my instinct was to go thank/relieve her of the box.

I took my laptop as I hoped it would 'show' I was in the middle of something, but not sure it worked!

sitckmansladylove · 23/08/2020 17:41

Is it a general feeling among those who are not educated? I actually think it's harder to wfh with all the distractions and switching off is also tough. I imagine most people use their 'breaks' to hang out washing etc.

BlueJava · 23/08/2020 17:42

I regularly WFH even before Covid-19. My MIL came for a weekend and wanted to stay longer. We told her DH would be away for work, DCs at school and I'd be working. She declared she'd be fine because she would go and do things by herself.

She clearly didn't believe me - she was pretty surprised on the Monday because DP had already left (it was 9am when she came down and the DCs were already at school.) She then sat on the sofa by herself for 3 days whilst I worked in another room, she tried to interrupt a few times but I was always in meetings, she has never tried it since. Sometimes ppl find out things the hard way.

BakewellGin1 · 23/08/2020 17:42

I'm back at work tomorrow after taking some holidays. We are now doing 3 days office based and 2 from home. A friend is convinced we can meet up with the children now... Erm no I'm working same hours as before just two days have a toddler included

maddiemookins16mum · 23/08/2020 17:59

I’ve been in the office since March but DP has been training hundreds of staff on Zoom. A close relative pops round and lets themselves into the kitchen....’only me, shall I pop the kettle on?’ at least once a week.
Not great during a Zoom course on safeguarding.
It’s reached the point where we’ve liked and said DP is back out at the services and have moved the car into the garage.

NB: I have said that locking the back door would have helped 😒

maddiemookins16mum · 23/08/2020 18:00

lied not liked

FrustratinglyFrustrated · 23/08/2020 18:08

To be honest, I used to think that WFH meant shorter hours, skive when you need to, maybe do the housework, But, since lock down, I have come to realise that this is just not the case. DP has started WFH and struggles to only work within his working hours. He is still up at the same time even though he doesn't have to do the 1.5 hour commute to work, and finishes a little later than usual, it works out he is probably working more hours now then he was when in the office, with no extra pay! I salute all you who can work from home and can still clock on and off at the normal business time.

IsAnybodyListening · 23/08/2020 18:18

Yes. Both been WFH, and continuing to do so. My DM is a bit better now, in the early weeks there were a good few mid-day phone calls that I couldn't answer. She was supposed to come over after 4pm one Friday a couple of weeks ago, as I assured them I would finish thereabouts, but her and my dsd came over at 2pm. They kept trying to talk to me, and I had to keep re-iterating that I couldn't talk to them as I was concentrating. Luckily they overheard me take several calls, and it seems to have sunk in that i'm not just pissing around on my laptop all day!

MIL asked me last week when I was going back to work. The fact I haven't stopped working doesn't seem to resonate as I am at home.

And quite amusingly. My 15yr old DS (after seeing me WFH from 8:30am-4:30pm Mon-Fri), casually asked me a couple of weeks ago, ''What is it you DO for a job anyway? I hear you talk about money and stuff?'', so obviously I told him my job title was indeed 'Money and Stuff', and he seemed happy with that explanation

PermaStress · 23/08/2020 18:24

YADNBU. DD and I are living with my retired parents and the amount of "just" interruptions I get...

Could I just do this or that... several times a day. Booking a thing that I need to help them with for during a work day. "Is only a couple of hours you can spare that""it's only 5 minutes..." ... it never is only 5 minutes and it all adds up. I've tried lots of things, but the reality is that they don't get it and they do forget.

CrunchyNutNC · 23/08/2020 18:31

@PurBal

I recognise this one purbal !

I'm going to such-and-such on Tuesday, will you come with me?
Sorry no,only I'm working.
Really?

Another good one is...

Aunty Betty is visiting me next week, can we go out to lunch with you on Wednesday?
Sorry no, I'm working.
Oh, really? What about Thursday?
No, I'm working then too. What about Saturday?

No, we've already arranged to go to Asda. What about next Monday?

And from a woman who also used to work full time.

FattyBoom · 23/08/2020 19:02

My DM does this too. She also still works but her working from home is 'working from home' ie checking her emails a couple of times a day - mine is 12 hour days of teams meetings and head down cracking on. I lost the plot when I got accused of 'always using work as an excuse' when she was having a dig about me not phoning her enough during the working week 🤯

Terrace58 · 23/08/2020 19:06

We have been wfh for 15 years. Our families still don’t respect that we are working. Thankfully our child understands.

BoxAndKnife · 23/08/2020 20:11

YANBU. We live with my dad and he still can't really get his head around WFH. He's much better now than he was before lockdown, when he used to give me the 'I know you're really just having a skive' smirk whenever I had a WFH day, but deep down I think he still doesn't quite get it. He has grudgingly admitted that I seem to work quite hard, though.

I do think it's mainly a generational thing, but the irony is that for the last few years of his working life he ran his own business from home! He did go out on client visits several times a week which I think makes him feel it wasn't 'really' WFH, but his office was definitely in the spare bedroom.

SnakesOrLadders · 23/08/2020 20:14

Yes!
My dm keep making remarks about working too many hours - working too hard, should be concentrating on children etc
I’m working my contracted hours...just!
in between being snack bitch, referee and entertainment for two dc

MrsWicket · 23/08/2020 23:25

Have been WFH full time since March, did a couple of days a week at home before COVID chaos hit. It’s taken a while to train the kids to not expect me to drop everything and make them a snack, find something etc. Some friends - No I can’t take a two hour lunch because ‘no one would ever know’ - I’m at work! Yes, I can put the washing on, make a cuppa and all that between tasks, but I still have a contracted 8 hours to do.

thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 23/08/2020 23:41

Sounds like an old, retired people thing, doesn't it?
Or do people of working age also suffer from this misconception?

Yes, it's all ages. I've worked from home for 10 years, and can confirm that when you tell people, all they seem to hear is the "home" part. Friends, (adult) DC, neighbours, they all think you are free to do anything they want you to.

One friend always wants to do lunch, and when I say I only have half an hour she always says "Oh, but you're self-employed so you can take as much time as you want". After all these years she doesn't get that no, I really can't.

ColdNovemberRain · 24/08/2020 08:50

Due to the effects of Covid on my industry (pretty well documented in the media), I've been working from home, utterly flat-out since March. The workload and pace has been utterly relentless and I know I'm at risk of burning out. Still though, every single time I speak to my parents (2 x per week), my dad makes the same joke: "Still pretending to "work", eh?" complete with inverted comma finger waggles. It makes me want to scream. To make matters worse, my DH works outside of the home so they also keep telling me how lucky I am to have a DH who isn't afraid of real, hard work and "at least someone is paying the bills". If I point out that I'm also getting paid as normal, that just winds my mum up even more. She'll go on about how she can't believe I'm getting full pay to sit at home and asks what makes me any better than those folk only getting 80% pay. It's because I'm working and they are furloughed, mother! And yes, like PPs, I get constant helpful hints and ideas for ways to spend the time so that I don't get bored at home.

At least, though, they've stopped calling me during the working day. That started as soon as lockdown began but I just didn't answer and would call them back later in the evening, making a point of saying that I was working earlier. Mind you, there was one incident quite early on when, in the middle of giving a fairly important presentation, I received 16 calls in a row from my sister, my brother, my mum and my SiL. Obviously I got really worried, thinking something was wrong so I excused myself from the meeting only to find that they were all doing a Joe Wicks workout together on Zoom and wanted me to join in. I went mental at them and haven't received a work-day call again since.

DelurkingAJ · 24/08/2020 09:07

It’s actually better since lockdown, I’ve found...years ago DDad had a stroke and work old me to take my laptop and go across the country to see him in hospital.

DMum and her best friend (both had had FT professional careers in offices) admitted rather shamefacedly (after a week of me working outside of visiting hours and then catching up in the evenings) that they hadn’t realised that anyone actually WORKED when the WFH.

for those whose family will not understand!

minicat · 24/08/2020 09:23

@middleager

A newish friend keeps "popping" over. I have explained I'm working, but she comes at random times.

Oh dear goodness you need to nip that in the bud.

Spandang · 24/08/2020 09:28

Same here I have MIL contacting me in the middle of the day about things that require an urgent answer.

They don’t.

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