Anyone else's family not believe that WFH = work?

[InescapableDeath]

My husband and I have been working from home since lockdown, also home-educating two kids for most of that. It's been exhausting (I know a lot of people have it tougher).

I don't think our parents believe we actually have work to do? My husband works fulltime, and I work part-time in a really full-on agency job where I have to declare what I'm doing by the hour. I've compressed my hours to four long days over the lockdown/holidays so I can actually spend Fridays talking to my children - as soon as they are back to school I'm doing five shorter days again.

My parents and the in-laws have done things like phoning in the day and getting a bit upset if we can't chat. Inviting us to garden parties on a Thursday and being super surprised that we have work to do? Not understanding that as well as working in the day, we often have to work in the evening as well. I'm not expecting them to throw a pity party for us - it is what it is - but they haven't ever even offered sympathy or 'that sounds hard'.

My parents rang yesterday to announce they are visiting us soon which is great - we haven't seen them since about January.

But they're arriving the Friday morning that the kids are back at school and I was planning to be back working Fridays then! My husband will have loads of work/calls to be doing too. It's pointless telling them to come later. They leave home at 6am so they can get to ours at 9 and beat the traffic.

Every time I mentioned the work situation my dad completely changed the topic - I don't think it's malicious, he just doesn't get what my work actually involves and if I'm not going 'out' to work, it's like he thinks can't be that big a deal (he essentially worked in a factory when he was working).

I want to see them so it's fine, I will move back working Fridays by one week but I honestly think both sets of parents think we are just doing gardening while we're working from home...

I really can't work AND see them - I usually have deadlines for work in the course of a day, as well as loads of video calls, random calls on my phone, etc. Last time the in-laws popped in I ended up cancelling all my afternoon meetings and doing the work in the evening. Not ideal.

ARGH, is it just me?

This is so similar to night shifts.

People seem to believe that if you're 'at home', you're 'free'.

Free to go shopping, run errands, have phone chats, receive visitors, babysit, go with them for hospital appointments - you name it.

I was so lucky working nights, as I had no one to look after, I could close the curtains, shove in ear plugs and switch the phone off, but people 'at home' during the day at the moment have my sympathy. Especially if they have to educate children and fend off relatives.

YADNBU

Oh and I got the helpful 'fun family activities to pass the time!' suggestions from lots of my family during lockdown too. Hahahaaaaa...

Yes! I’ve been WFH as a freelancer for 11 years and my parents and the in laws still pop in for a coffee (I’ve started not answering the door now), if they’re in the neighbourhood, or if ask me to do errands for them mid week. I just say, yes I’ll do it Saturday when I’ll off work, but I’ve been saying this for 11 years and they still haven’t got the message!

My DH gets in now, after years of me training him, but for the first few years I WFH, he would come home from his work expecting the house to be clean and dinner organised. Sometimes I do do those things on my break but sometimes I’m too busy to do them, same as him. Thank goodness he understands now as we had many arguments about it at the beginning.

I think it goes beyond WFH to be honest, as soon as they retire many seem to forget that the rest of us still have to work.

My DGM was brilliant, as kids she would often pick us up from school to take us to an after school activity, and then insist on feeding us before we went home because my DM was working all day and would appreciate the night off. However my own DM now will think it's great to be literally waiting on the doorstep for us to get home from work/school/nursery and expect me to make her tea - some sort of amnesia sets in!

Let them show up at 9am. Point them towards the kettle to help themselves to tea and then get on with your work. They can watch daytime TV or go out or whatever.

Our dd is wfh in her bedroom, she lives with us and in the beginning her dad kept going in and chatting to her and asking her to listen out for deliveries etc. It took quite a while for him to understand that she is concentrating and is occasionally on the phone. To be fair he's never worked in an office nor is he familiar with tech but he gets it now. In your situation op I would be definitely putting them straight.

My DP are similar. I've wfh for a long time pre-Covid and what has helped them understand has been for them to be in the same house when I wfh. Then they see that you're working, in meetings, wolfing down a sandwich at your desk between calls etc...

So when they visit, the best thing you can do is not take a holiday like last time, but to let them stew in the sitting room. I'd probably make sure I had a few meetings that Friday, so that could actually hear me work, rather than assuming I'm faffing about online. If the work isn't confidential you can leave the door open for some of it. When DP hear you in actual professional mode, that can help them finally see you as an actual professional adult.

@animalmagic1984

YANBU, during full lockdown I had to move back to my parents as my mum wasn't very well and so I was trying to juggle looking after her and also WFH (she's OK now thankfully).

My Dad said to me after about a week of being there whilst I was making some time up during the evening, "so you really do do a lot of work when working from home", I think he had always thought it was just netflix and chilling in the garden before he saw what I actually had to do!

LOLing at the idea of your dad imagining you 'Netflix-and-Chill' ing in the garden.

Yes, I keep getting asked when In going back to work. I keep reminding them I've worked all the way through. Another relative visits my partner and if I say I'm off upstairs for an online meeting I get asked 20 questions, "how long is that going to be", and "whats that for" etc. "Who is it with", even though she doesnt even know them.

I agree with pp who said adjusting your working hours so that you’re available on the Friday isn’t going to do anything to convince them. I’d phone and tell them you can’t get the Friday off after all and suggest they come later in the day. If they must show up early point them to the kettle and the tv remote and then be busy. They’ll only start to grasp it when they see it themselves.

My own parents have never worked in an office environment and have no real grasp of what I do. They used to think that because I had a phone and a computer on my desk they could ring me for meandering chats or to ask me to research a holiday/train timetables and so on 🙄.

I put my foot down on that some time ago but definitely at the beginning of lockdown the random daytime calls started again. I just interrupt and say Can’t stay on the phone I’ve a ZOOM meeting at 11 or I need to sign in to a webinar.

They don’t know what those things are of course but it seems to all sound important enough that they realise - Oh yes, it’s Tuesday, she’s working...

I also make a point of telling them how tired I am if I’ve had a particularly busy week. They may not get what I do but they can grasp “Started at 730, finished at 7 and ate crackers for lunch while I worked through”. That’s not a regular occurrence but I feel like letting them know helps reinforce the message. Well, why should phone calls and visits only be about their complaints ?

Not my family, but a friend of ours ...

I've WFH for 20 years (software development). When the children were tiny I fitted it into their naps and DH being at home. When I first started WFH with eldest DD as a three month old baby, I was doing as many hours as I could and getting about 4 hours sleep a night.

DH and I were members of a club, and the treasurer phoned me and suggested that I took over the memberships admin 'now that I was at home all day'. I asked how long it would take. 'Oh, only a couple of hours a day'. So it was a no from me!

yup - same here though its usually my in laws - my family know im working from home. My in-laws however, call when they want. Its crazy really.

Yes not just parents but friends too - I've never worked so hard since March but everyone seems to think we're having such a lovely time. Could not be further from the truth.

I WFH normally. My mum in particular never takes any notice if this. She always rings during the day - often just for a chat. I have to answer - she's in her early 80s and it could be urgent. Sometimes she calls for advice - sometimes she says that she thinks my sister would probably know the answer, but as she's at work (ie not in her house) she can't ring her 😠

It doesn't really matter what your family thinks about WFH. Either decide to work compressed hours so you are free on Friday and can see them or tell them you and dh are working at home, there is no room for visitors while you work so they can't come until 4pm (or whatever suits). It really is that simple.

My mum sent me this message in April when I was working from home full time and had three kids at home off school:

"Good morning to you all the sun is shining so hope that you are all well maybe it's a time to do some walking get out in fresh air for a while learn new things hope fully this hot weather will kill this virus so every one can get bk to living normal again xx mum"

Mine & DH’s parents are the same!
MIL repeatedly asked us how we were filling our time during lockdown, and what we were doing for fun. I felt a bit of a bitch replying more than once that actually we were still pretty busy both working full time so only had time to do the usual. (It’s been the same old routine. Work, a bit of exercise, DH apse has study time, cooking dinner and then we have a bit of time to watch tv or read.)
She seemed to think we would now have loads of time to fill and need to take up new hobbies.

I worked from my parents for a week recently and my mum kept interrupting me for a chat. She didn’t seem to understand that I might need to concentrate. She interrupted an important weekly conference call by trying to feed me a mouthful of the frittata she had just cooked

My mum said to me, ‘lockdown must be like a holiday for you’.

I was working full time, with morning sickness and and toddler to entertain.

My MIL was confused about why we put the toddler back into nursery at the earliest possible opportunity because ‘you’re working from home so why do you need childcare?’

ARGH.

To be fair my Dad once called me at work when I was physically in the office.
He’d called my mobile and I hadn’t answered immediately (because I was bloody busy!) so he’d called the office as he was worried. Mental.

I think I'd go for a compromise: "Lovely you're coming, but unfortunately I will need to work a half-day on Friday. What's best? Shall I wait until you've arrived and had a coffee, and then perhaps you can take yourselves off to while I do my work 10-2? Or if you prefer, you could set off after the rush hour, and I'll work 8.30-12.30 and be ready for you at lunchtime. Let me know soon, because I'll need to let work know which hours I'm working."

And make it clear what time you start work on Monday, if that's when they leave.

One of my friends works from home permanently for a charity. Her father lives with her. During lockdown she was working 12 hour days and doing the work of 4 people because her team were furloughed. She basically had whole weeks where she barely left the house, was stressed because they were fighting to keep their jobs and desperately looking for other jobs as the charity had lost so much money their jobs were (are) at risk.

I've know her for 20 years and have never known her so stressed.

Last week her father asked her when she was coming off furlough 🤦‍♀️

My husband and I are currently staying with my parents and we’re both WFH. To be fair, parents understand that we’re working, and they don’t interrupt us during the day. Feels a bit like a zoo though because I’ve spotted them loitering outside the room I’m using as an office and muttering things like “...and then all the people she works with are in her computer and she can see them for meetings”
I think it’s just so alien to them. Neither of them ever worked in an office and don’t really understand what people do outside of traditional job titles like farmer, hairdresser, nurse, postman etc.

They’re also very perturbed that we don’t take an hour long break for lunch and eat a massive hot meal in the middle of the afternoon.

The one bugbear is that there’s been a few comments from my mother about how great DH is that he’s able to work so well from home, and then comments at another time how lucky I am to be “off” and “just” have to WFH.
I nipped that one in the bud.

I also showed them a bit of what I was doing and it definitely helped. Now they’ll hear a particular noise and say “oh, that’s your next conference call, we’ll leave you to it”.

They’re good, really.

How old are these people who don't understand you're working?

Thank you all for the replies! Much appreciated.

I know it's daft but I will try to make it work so I don't have to work that Friday. I haven't seen them since January and they will be staying at a hotel/leaving first thing Sunday, and at this rate who knows if I'll get to see them at Christmas. They live in the NW and I'm in the SE so it's quite tricky arranging things to see each other anyway.

Really, I'm venting here so I don't vent at them. Both parents and in-laws are late-60s, that point where some people seem super sprightly and others start to age. In-laws still seem quite young. Mine are beginning to sound a bit doddery.

On the phone I can feel myself getting quite short with them as I lose patience (I had three calls the other day about how to return a trampoline via Hermes), and then I think what a horrible way to behave on the phone with my parents who basically haven't seen anyone since February!

I just need to grin and bear it. If kids really do go back to school as 'normal' in September, life will finally get a bit easier for me.

If they lived round the corner and were doing this all the time, I'd definitely (probably) be firmer.

I just wish they would try to understand - I think it's as some posters above have said, they've never had an office job you could do from home, and have no idea what's involved.

This drives me CRAZY!! I've been self-employed and WFH for many years, and other people seemed to thinks this means that I am available for visits, phone calls, people's parcels, etc, etc, etc.

It was several years before even DH stopped talking about me getting ' a proper job', until I was earning more than he was.

I tell people that if I can't see them when I'm in the office working, I can't see them when I'm WFM either. I now have a reputation for not answering the door.

Good luck!