Should I ghost my friend?

[Artemisanco]

I feel really bad about this and I'm looking for advice as it isn't something I can talk about in real life.

I have a problem with compulsive lying. I don't know why I do it, but it happens. It isn't constant and I am not lying right now, but I end up lying about events, where I am from, my job and other things for no apparent reason. I've gotten a lot better with this in recent years, but not always under certain circumstances, which brings me to my problem.

I met this woman online (not romantic) and we started talking. At first there were more people and during this time I lied about parts of my life. I never expected to ever meet these people in person, and so it felt reasonably harmless. Me and this woman however have started getting close over the past year and now she wants to meet. I consider her a friend and would love to meet her, but I've never corrected the lies that form some of the basis of who she thinks I am, and I feel it is now too late as if I say anything at this point she will just feel hurt and betrayed. So I don't know what to do. Of course if I suddenly cut all contact she will feel the same way, but if I meet her in real life and she meets my DH or someone else then I'm sure she would find out about things.

I feel pretty terrible and I don't know what to do. I expect to get quite a lot of abuse, but I thought I'd try anyway to see what people think I should do. I don't know why I do these things and it has been a long time since I've got myself in this kind of situation. I didn't think it would be like this and now I'm very stuck. I don't think she would accept me if I told her at this point; not because of the content of the lies, but simply because I lied in the first place and then covered it up for nearly a year. Maybe it would be easiest if I just disappeared, but we talk nearly every day.

What are the lies?

Don't ghost her, that's an awful way to treat someone. Tell the truth if you can; if you can't face it, make up a white lie, maybe that you need a digital detox or something.

Why do you lie?

Are they lies that you've kept ongoing and elaborated on throughout the year?

Or are they something you've said as a one off, but never talked about again?

Can you tell us what one of the lies is to give an idea.

Tell her truth, be honest and you may be able to save a friendship. If you ghost her she may think she has done something wrong and you will hurt her.

If you can,
Consider counselling for why you do this.
Then write a carefully written explanation.. like you did here, be honest, explain this is your issue and you understand if she chooses not to be your friend going forward, but you are trying to move on from this behaviour and the truth is part of that.

You may lose her friendship, but you will gain a lot for yourself with this honesty. It will help you not do the same again.

Please don't ghost though, it's not ever nice to do.

Good luck and you made a step forward, recognise that

Tell the truth! I knew a woman who did this. She made up a lot of lies; about having an abortion (in Ireland, when they were not legal, except in certain circumstances), she later admitted this was a lie, she also told people she had cancer, which was also a lie, (she had a MH crisis and couldn't continue her work, so instead of saying she had a MH crisis, she said she had cancer). The fact was, she was just a very vulnerable person, high achiever at school, who obviously felt she needed a 'hook' to hang on to people. She told the truth, (everyone knew it already tbh), and people were annoyed but didn't disown her. She now seems really happy.

If you were my friend, even if you'd told me awful lies about your life, if you admitted you had done it, I would still be your friend, assuming you haven't tricked anyone out of money or sent anyone to prison through your lies etc. I would be a lot more likely to want to stay friends with you if you admitted your problem, than if you continued to lie and I suspected you were continuing to lie to me.

I just don't think I have the strength to tell her, knowing that she'll likely leave me. We've never even met, but have become really close online.

I don't know why I lie really, to be more interesting? To get a rush? I'm sure that there are hundreds of reasons and there are no reasons. In terms of whether I've kept on lying or whether it was a one-off, a bit of both. At this point I will lie if I have to in order to keep up the lie she already knows. In the beginning I would elaborate a little. I don't know, it is complicated on my end.

Are you going to seek therapy for this? At the moment you are considering hurting this woman to save yourself being 'left' (whatever that means).
You need to grow up and take responsibility for your errors. Write her a letter and explain what you said here. Yes you may not be able keep her as a friend but at least you've apologised.
Ghosting her would be selfish and pathetic.

I'm with cravingthelook - you have taken the enormous step of articulating this here. Keep your communication simple though, to avoid temptation to people please. If necessary send her a link to this with a very simple note 'I am so sorry but this is me' then leave ball in her court. There is zero friendship to be saved, as it was not built on genuine foundations. But this clean slate will empower you and help you continue forward in tackling your demons.
All the best to you, that was brave.

You have 3 choices.

1. You ghost her / cut her out of your life (friendship lost)

1. You tell her the truth and she decides to not continue with your friendship (friendship lost)

1. You tell her the truth and she decides to continue with your friendship (friendship continues)

If you don’t want to lose your friendship, you chose to do number 3, as that’s the only one that gives you an option to continue your friendship.

I have thought about ways to meet without me being exposed as a liar, but then I'd have to make her never meet anyone I know. I don't think that's feasible or fair, but that's what the selfish part of me wants to do.

At school and university I seemed to attract compulsive liars (non-romantic friendships). Really unhinged liars. I just don’t understand. Why do you lie? What have you lied about? It sounds like you need to seek professional help. Don’t ghost her because that’s really cowardly. Be honest.

Would you rather feel bad yourself but telling her the truth and accepting that she thinks less of you, or make her feel bad by ghosting her?

Cannot you not just explain that you are very careful on line to not reveal who you are in real life therefore you change details about your life? Then go on and tell her what they are?

Most people I know who compulsively lie have issues with shame and fear of abandonment, always from early childhood experiences, often pre verbal. Seeking counselling would be a really good idea.

Tell her you're dying and have 4 weeks to live, so have to concentrate on your last weeks with DH.

Just add one more lie to the collection.

I'm not serious but your behaviour is ridiculous and you need some counselling to stop this childish and hurtful behaviour. You're not taking it seriously at all to still be doing this as a grown adult.

Meanwhile tell her the truth, and leave her to cut contact with you. She's never met you so it won't be a hardship. You say you can't do this, well you have to. It's a start with taking responsibility for your actions and being honest. This small step along the road of transparency is what you need.

If this were the other person writing here, about your pack of lies, we would all be screaming, walk away, red flag territory.

Just learn from this mistake

@RandomMess maybe I could have done that if it was earlier, but that seems very much too late now.

@Pandacub7 I have no idea why you attract compulsive liars. I wouldn't go as far as to say I'm unhinged. I'm just trying to get to terms with most likely losing a friend whom I am very fond of.

It's easy to say 'just tell the truth', but in reality that's not so simple. She's quite vulnerable too, so I don't want to put extra stress on her. I am aware ghosting would have the same effect. It isn't really the solution I'm leaning towards, but it's just a difficult situation. I hate the fact that there isn't really a way out without hurting her, unless I just keep up the lies until forever. I've done that before, but it's exhausting and makes me feel guilty, for obvious reasons.

I would meet up with a huge bouquet of flowers, gift and a pack of tissues. Explain and apologise in person.

This is assuming that you don't live hours away from each other.

Explain that at the start you just don't want to give all your true life story on line to people and then it got too late to tell her the truth and how ashamed you are but how much you value her friendship.

Assuming you are forgiven you need to either not compulsive lie again or at a later point tell that you do struggle with being truthful. Take it one stage at a time though?

You write op that you cannot tell her,but a true friendship is built on trust,without that what do you have?nothing.what would be the right thing to do would be to be honest,accept you were in the wrong and tell her the parts that are truthful and ask if you can start again.
Promise you won't lie again and stick to it.
If she feels that same connection that you do she may be willing to go forward.
To ghost her would be very cruel and not facing up to what you have done.
Would that be because you are not sorry or you don't want to face and address the problem?
I hope you make the decision that helps you going forward.good luck.🌻

You're not really close, you have been lying about who you are to her. You have built up an image of yourself that is untrue. Most of us do this to a greater or lesser extent, yours seems more extreme so I would take this to therapy. I'm not sure about ghosting or not, from what I read though you are better off breaking off from the intensity of your relationship one way or another.

“Dear X,

I would totally love to meet up with you. I have so enjoyed how our friendship has grown, you are really important to me and it would be great to see you in the real world.

That said, I think it’s important that you know that early on when we met I said a few things that weren’t true: I’m not totally sure why, I think because of the safety of being online I felt comfortable to elaborate on the truth. I was worried I needed to be more interesting, I think, to be liked. But it’s really important for me that you know the truth before we meet. [add in something on what you said wasn’t true.]

I realise that this may be difficult to read, and I really apologise for not telling the truth originally or updating you earlier. If you feel that this means we can’t meet up or continue our friendship I will totally understand. But I would love to see you.

Of course if you have any questions at all or want to talk about this please just say.

Love X”

If you send this you will get to find out the strength of your friendship. If she rejects you it will be a good lesson for you on the consequences of lying. If she accepts you it shows how much she values you and that she is a compassionate person. Ghosting would punish her for your lies, when she hasn’t done anything wrong, and so is very very unfair.

Honestly, just tell the truth. The reality is very often a lot less scary than you fear it will be. Just tell her what you've said on here and leave it up to her. If it was me, I would think much better of you if you had the courage to admit that you're a compulsive liar and are intending to get help for that.

Ghosting her would be cowardly and childish.

Why not simply tell her what you've said here, apologise and say that you don't want your future friendship to be built on lies, give her an outline of who you really are - and say you'd love to meet but that you understand if she wants to back off.
To be honest, I'd back off - you sound too complicated for a new friendship. But she might agree to taking a step back and getting to know the real you online before she commits to a meeting.
Perhaps it depends on what you've been fabricating. If it's a bit of a fantasy life of big house/nice job - well, you'll look a prat but no harm done. If it's lies that are more emotionally manipulative - your vulnerable friend is probably better off without you.

you are looking for ways to dodge responsiblity for the effects of your lying. Sorry, but if you are really committed to changing, you need to be honest about this.

You can try to mitigate the pain she will feel, but to be honest, whatever you do - ghost her, come clean, or continue the lie - will have a negative effect on her life sooner or later. And that's your fault and your responsibility. If you actually want to change, you need to acknowledge the pain your behaviour causes, and take your punishment.