Should I ghost my friend?

[Artemisanco]

I feel really bad about this and I'm looking for advice as it isn't something I can talk about in real life.

I have a problem with compulsive lying. I don't know why I do it, but it happens. It isn't constant and I am not lying right now, but I end up lying about events, where I am from, my job and other things for no apparent reason. I've gotten a lot better with this in recent years, but not always under certain circumstances, which brings me to my problem.

I met this woman online (not romantic) and we started talking. At first there were more people and during this time I lied about parts of my life. I never expected to ever meet these people in person, and so it felt reasonably harmless. Me and this woman however have started getting close over the past year and now she wants to meet. I consider her a friend and would love to meet her, but I've never corrected the lies that form some of the basis of who she thinks I am, and I feel it is now too late as if I say anything at this point she will just feel hurt and betrayed. So I don't know what to do. Of course if I suddenly cut all contact she will feel the same way, but if I meet her in real life and she meets my DH or someone else then I'm sure she would find out about things.

I feel pretty terrible and I don't know what to do. I expect to get quite a lot of abuse, but I thought I'd try anyway to see what people think I should do. I don't know why I do these things and it has been a long time since I've got myself in this kind of situation. I didn't think it would be like this and now I'm very stuck. I don't think she would accept me if I told her at this point; not because of the content of the lies, but simply because I lied in the first place and then covered it up for nearly a year. Maybe it would be easiest if I just disappeared, but we talk nearly every day.

Well done. That’s a really good start.

I don't know why but i suspect this is a romantic interest not friendship. You definitely sound like someone with a personality disorder.

You do something you put up with the consequences. If you want this person to be in your life you know you need to come clean. It would then be up to them if they want to continue to be your friend. If it were me it would be no.

@Ghostoast it's not a romantic interest. I'm not sure what I've said that makes you think that.

I doesn't really matter ultimately. It doesn't matter whether I have a personality disorder or not either. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. Doesn't make any difference to the situation.

But I'm glad I've told her and thank you to the posters who have offered genuine advice, whether it was harsh or not. I appreciate it.

@Shamoo has the right idea

Going against the grain of some harsh replies on here and I’d just like to say that I understand. I was like you when I was young and internet and chat rooms first came about. Do you find that you have a vivid imagination? I used to love writing more than anything, constantly thinking up stories and even (in my mind) improving people’s life experiences and using those in my writing (rewritten without detail of who they were or anything, obviously). I also am guilty of loving a funny story and truly wanting to make people smile or laugh. Unfortunately my real life is quite boring really! So I used to exaggerate what happened for my own amusement as well as theirs. Yes it’s wrong to lie but like you said you’d never lie about anything else and I really do see it more as you living the life you wish you’d had, if that makes sense!
I’m glad you didn’t lie about anything too sinister and you did the right thing in being honest now, however late. I guess the only struggle you may have if friendship continues is that your friend might take you with a huge pinch of salt or even question you to make sure you’re not making up another story. I have friends who knew me as a young adult who do this to me and to be honest it’s put me off telling them anything a little bit. I totally understand it’s my own fault but I wish they’d give me a ‘proper’ second chance. I really don’t do it anymore but there are people in my life who says people don’t change and that’s that. I disagree, you absolutely can change if you want to. Look forward to reading your novel one day, from one non writer to another. ;)

It matters if you have a personality disorder because you will have persistent behaviours that need to be managed or you will continue to cause hurt to others. It may not matter to you but a normal response would be to consider how hard this is for others to be on the receiving end of. You've admitted it sometimes gives you a kick to lie and you don't seem to care what that might have entailed for others. It definitely matters. Don't go through your life like this, it's toxic. You don't have the right to take control of other people like this.

Swallow your pride and tell her the truth.

Good for coming clean.
Hopefully things will work out for you.
You should feel unburdened.
I know its totally important to get help for mental health .

So you don't want her to leave you, you want to leave her?

After everything you've done, why not be the big person and let her leave you and have the closure? If you're going to stop talking anyway...

It might feel refreshing and different.

It doesn't matter whether I have a personality disorder or not either. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. Doesn't make any difference to the situation.

It matters enormously, OP. Because there will be other situations, other connections with other people, and this will potentially damage those relationships too. Lies will usually find you out, and once you've told one they will snowball, leading to your telling others. In those circumstances it will likely become difficult to remember what the truth actually is. Then one day you might not even know you're doing it. It's not unlike an addiction.

I knew someone whose teenage daughter behaved like this. The lies she told were really huge whoppers, not just a few vague embellishments about her life. The poor girl told everyone at her college that she'd been in hospital for a serious operation and was terminally ill. She was obviously crying out for attention and sympathy that must have been lacking elsewhere in her life, and was able to bask for a period of time in that sympathy and concern. But it's impossible to maintain deceit for any length of time over a huge issue like this and of course when what she'd done became common knowledge she was completely ostracised and intensely humiliated. She then had no option but to leave her course and didn't even want to show her face in public, becoming practically a reclusive. When asked what on earth compelled her to behave in such a way, she was completely unable (or unwilling) to articulate this, nor could she understand how harmful her behaviour had potentially been to others.

The aftermath of lying (especially when the truth would have done you no harm) simply isn't worth whatever buzz you get out of it to start with. People judged this girl her harshly because nobody likes being lied to or made a fool of, despite the fact that a real vulnerability must have left her to behave that way in the first place.

You've taken the first step and realised you have a problem. But if there's an underlying mental health issue that's prompting you to behave in this way, this does need to be confronted and addressed. You should also consider that you might find it impossible to stop without therapeutic intervention and a clear understanding of why you feel the compulsion to behave in this way. In this case, you'll experience similar unhappiness in the future (I've had EMDR for cPTSD, which showed me precisely why I had certain issues in my adult interactions and relationships, so I speak from experience).

Wishing you all the luck in the world, OP. Posting about this was a brave thing to do despite the online anonymity, and I hope you've received some advice that's been of help to you.

I had a friend who was a compulsive liar, I was polite and ignored the lies didn’t pull her up on the holes in her stories, because in other ways she was a god friend or so I thought. Things changed rapidly for me when I found out she was telling lies about me to other people, I guess I should have realised she would do something like that. Those lies harmed me and I am now living with the consequences of her behaviour. What she did was disgusting, unforgivable and downright evil. Your vulnerable friend is better off without you, how long before your lies hurt her if they haven’t already.

That's awful @Tara336!

I definitely think, when it clearly affects another person, like what your former friend did to you, it is a totally different story.

Also, when the lies get you a lot of sympathy, like the pp whose friend's dd told people at college she was terminally ill and they believe you, again, that is pretty clearly terrible.

When the woman I mentioned up thread told people she had cancer, tbh, it had reached a point where nobody believed her anymore...you could tell when she had started to lie, like, the exact moment when conversation went from normal to lie. So that tale didn't really affect anyone with her, as nobody believed her by that point! She didn't end up ostracised or reclusive AFAIK. Certainly, she is still friendly with people who know about the lying and I think it is something she used to do which she has now grown out of. But, if we had all bought into the cancer lie and been really upset, maybe the fallout would have been worse. There was fallout of course, but I think people mainly just thought she was not quite right. We all knew by that point and it was almost a relief for her to say it.

I also remember teenagers at school who did similar and although they did get the piss taken out of them, and a few "is that right is it?" eyebrow raises, none of them were run out of town. One of them claimed to have a mega rich boyfriend who had won the lottery and had a yacht etc. She came in the next week with a 'black eye', which she had put on with make up. Apparently the rich boyfriend was hitting her. It turned out he was an imaginary bf. A boy I knew when we were about 15 also made up this entirely imaginary friend, who was soooooo cool and told us all about him. Then, horror, the cool friend had died in a car crash and this boy needed to be comforted...by all the girls of course. Yes, obviously after that I gave him a massive wide birth, but not everyone did. He had girlfriends after that, he went to university and got a really good job...think it was in finance.

At university even, I remember my housemate claiming all sorts of crazy crap, which couldn't all possibly have been true, as they contradicted each other. Again, yes we did think , and we knew she was lying, but she didn't get run out of town. She owns a business in central london now. Again, quite successful, not forced into hiding.

Obviously, it's not a good thing to do at all and, like everyone else on the planet, I hate being lied to, especially if they are so convincing I believe them.
But I do think some lies are a lot more harmful than others. And the OP's don't sound like the worst to me.

Thinking back to how many men, (and some women), I know who have cheated on their spouses and partners. Obviously telling a web of lies in the process. It's rife. Just look at the Relationships board. Those men don't get put in the metaphorical stocks, even if they should be.

And the cheaters really do cause harm with their lies, so I find it strange when they get a free pass sometimes.

It's not a race to the bottom capsulate. Let's just agree that toxic behaviour is unacceptable and if you're doing it compulsively, you go and get it sorted out as a priority if you have the means. You actually have no idea what effect the OP's lies have had on the person who has shared personal details of a difficult and sad experience. In her shoes, I'd feel violated and it would affect my future relationships. It might even resurrect the trauma of the original experience as I reflected back on what I'd said to this person who wasn't being genuine. Just because it's not a big deal to the OP ( until it looked like her number was up) doesn't mean it's not a big deal. I really don't know what cheating has to do with it. Obviously that's repulsive too. Don't encourage the OP to normalise her behaviour by dismissing it through comparison. It's unhelpful to her and future victims of her choices/disorder.

Well done, OP, on doing the right thing and telling your friend what has been going. She now has the choice of ‘staying’ or ‘going’.
You too, have a choice. You can either carry on as you are, lurching from one string of lies to the next, or you can seek some help for why you behave in this way, and find a route to break the pattern of lying which seems to have defined your life.
Don’t you deserve better?
I really hope you choose you and not the lies.

@Capsulate my “friend” called me at work once to tell me she had to have dialysis urgently and needed an urgent transplant or would die, but her brother was a match but she hasn’t told him yet so don’t mention it until she had! I said how could you possibly know he’s a match without testing?? That lie passed but there were many others.

I was being harassed by someone, was begging to be left alone, asked for the friends help, turned out she was positively encouraging it and telling the man harassing me I was in denial and was in an abusive relationship (I wasn’t) and needed to be encouraged to leave!! I have since found out all of our mutual friends believed I was being emotionally and physically abused!! it’s embarrassing having to explain I’m not, I’m fine and please don’t believe this persons stories, but of course people don’t believe me because it’s exact The sort of thing women do hide!

I found out the lies she was telling about me after a mutual friend asked me if I’d had a nice weekend away? I was surprised as I’d not broadcast I was away as was very last minute helping another friend move some belongings prior to her house renovation starting as she was going to stay in a mobile home she owned while it went on. Liar friend knew NOTHING about this but coincidentally had phoned me the Sunday evening I had got home. I said I’d been away and why and was surprised to hear from her as not spoken in a while (which I was glad about).

A couple days later I received a telephone call from another mutual friend asking about the weekend, said what an awful person I was, how could I? ETC naturally I was bewildered by this and after some questions discovered that liar friend had called her in tears saying I’d forced her to cover for me while I had a dirty weekend with a man, she didn’t like lying (ha ha ha) and was distraught at what I’d forced her to do!!!

After a while a few of us started comparing notes and the web of lies unravelled and it was truely shocking some of the stories liar had told, including being alone at Christmas, kicked out by mother, father dead, my carer (WTF) I was having affairs, people stealing from her family the list is bloody endless..

@Shockingstocking

It's not a race to the bottom capsulate. Let's just agree that toxic behaviour is unacceptable and if you're doing it compulsively, you go and get it sorted out as a priority if you have the means. You actually have no idea what effect the OP's lies have had on the person who has shared personal details of a difficult and sad experience. In her shoes, I'd feel violated and it would affect my future relationships. It might even resurrect the trauma of the original experience as I reflected back on what I'd said to this person who wasn't being genuine. Just because it's not a big deal to the OP ( until it looked like her number was up) doesn't mean it's not a big deal. I really don't know what cheating has to do with it. Obviously that's repulsive too. Don't encourage the OP to normalise her behaviour by dismissing it through comparison. It's unhelpful to her and future victims of her choices/disorder.

No, not a race to the bottom, but I actually think the black and white thinking and extreme responses on here might be harmful. If she is told she has a personality disorder which makes her toxic and dangerous (your words I think?), and that if she ever gets found out she will be ostracised and be forced to be a recluse. She will get no sympathy, although she may be doing it because she is quite a vulnerable person, (a pp's words). I think there is every chance of her burying her problem again, when she has admitted to having that problem.

Cheating, as I said, is relevant because the cheater always tells a series of lies to cover their tracks. Very harmful lies and yet they seem to get off scot free.

The op has told some quite strange lies and has now owned up, yet still she is getting responses on here which condemn her. I think it's important for her to know that actually, IRL, I dont think she will get these same responses from everyone, maybe not from anyone. On MN and occasionally IRL, you do get people who think lying is worse than...I dont know...violent assault or murder (I know someone who compares cheating to murder, like for like). But usually people aren't so definitive IRL ime. They treat lies on a case by case basis. Obviously I dont know how bad the lies are, because I haven't been there for the conversations with this friend, but neither is anyone else on here and yet she is getting some responses which are, imo, quite strong and one sided. But t'is the nature of AIBU I suppose! Not a good place for someone like the op, who I think as do you needs RL help tbh.

@Tara336 . That's awful!

Did you read what the OP's dreadful lies were? I don't think they are in the same league as your 'friend', who sounds very unhinged and yes, dangerous.

@Shockingstocking spot on, my experience of a liar has left me feeling angry (6 years later) and so wary of people, if I think something is even slightly suspect I question and question and won’t let the subject drop until I’m satisfied with the answers. I know my experience was extreme but even now when someone doubts I’m not being abused I have to sit and explain and show copies of messages I’ve had to keep to prove I’m telling the truth and this woman needs locking up

@Capsulate apparently my linear was diagnosed with Histrionic personality disorder and I’m left years later still having to explain that I’m safe, happy, not abused in any way and definitely don’t need a carer (never got to the bottom of that one)

She probably knows. She will have noticed things not adding up. You are enough without all that, see it as a defence mechanism and tell people. It will help you not do it.

That's so awful @Tara336, but the op didn't do any of that. I imagine there are people with similar disorders who do not do anything like the awful thing that happened to you. And it truly is an awful, awful thing.

@Capsulate I’m sure OP is nowhere near as awful as my person but I think it’s helpful for people to understand what’s it’s like from the other side ifyswim? I hope OP does get it sorted and is able to have an open and honest friendship

[quote Tara336]@Capsulate I’m sure OP is nowhere near as awful as my person but I think it’s helpful for people to understand what’s it’s like from the other side ifyswim? I hope OP does get it sorted and is able to have an open and honest friendship[/quote]
Yes, definitely. I'm sure the op has read what you've said and hopefully taken it as a big warning; if she doesn't sort this out, this is the sort of pain and distress she could end up causing .

I also think it's important that she knows that since she hasn't gone anywhere near this far yet, there is plenty of time for her to sort it and that she will not be run out of town for admitting her lies and apologising. Quite the opposite I think. For me, it is far preferable to continuing the lie.