Should I ghost my friend?

[Artemisanco]

I feel really bad about this and I'm looking for advice as it isn't something I can talk about in real life.

I have a problem with compulsive lying. I don't know why I do it, but it happens. It isn't constant and I am not lying right now, but I end up lying about events, where I am from, my job and other things for no apparent reason. I've gotten a lot better with this in recent years, but not always under certain circumstances, which brings me to my problem.

I met this woman online (not romantic) and we started talking. At first there were more people and during this time I lied about parts of my life. I never expected to ever meet these people in person, and so it felt reasonably harmless. Me and this woman however have started getting close over the past year and now she wants to meet. I consider her a friend and would love to meet her, but I've never corrected the lies that form some of the basis of who she thinks I am, and I feel it is now too late as if I say anything at this point she will just feel hurt and betrayed. So I don't know what to do. Of course if I suddenly cut all contact she will feel the same way, but if I meet her in real life and she meets my DH or someone else then I'm sure she would find out about things.

I feel pretty terrible and I don't know what to do. I expect to get quite a lot of abuse, but I thought I'd try anyway to see what people think I should do. I don't know why I do these things and it has been a long time since I've got myself in this kind of situation. I didn't think it would be like this and now I'm very stuck. I don't think she would accept me if I told her at this point; not because of the content of the lies, but simply because I lied in the first place and then covered it up for nearly a year. Maybe it would be easiest if I just disappeared, but we talk nearly every day.

No judgement here OP as I think you're in need of some support really, these things don't happen out of nowhere and forming a habit of curating images of yourself to pass myster makes it seem like you e entirely lack the confidence and self esteem to believe others will like you as much without them or as you are. Like many forms of anxiety I suppose, that very likely isn't true, I'm sure you are a good person with lots to offer and others can and would like or love you just as you are.

Compulsive lying seems like it must be a difficult thing to upkeep and that mist be taking a toll on your mental health further. Even in this situation look how much anxiety is involved in worrying about this friends feelings, how best to deal with it (when there is no way out that really works and everyone loses out here to a degree), feeling bad about what you've done and why, worrying about looking bad if it comes out. It's no way to live OP and the cumulative effect of the damage to you definitely outweighs the short term successes and benefits.

If you're able I would explain to her you've been dishonest about some things, from a place of very low self esteem, feel awful about it and understand that she will likely want to cease contact.

More than this though as a priority think of yourself, look at counselling or resources online and start to unpick how you feel about you and how that drives the compulsion. There will always be more people to meet and form authentic friendships with and move on from this.

@Shamoo

“Dear X,

I would totally love to meet up with you. I have so enjoyed how our friendship has grown, you are really important to me and it would be great to see you in the real world.

That said, I think it’s important that you know that early on when we met I said a few things that weren’t true: I’m not totally sure why, I think because of the safety of being online I felt comfortable to elaborate on the truth. I was worried I needed to be more interesting, I think, to be liked. But it’s really important for me that you know the truth before we meet. [add in something on what you said wasn’t true.]

I realise that this may be difficult to read, and I really apologise for not telling the truth originally or updating you earlier. If you feel that this means we can’t meet up or continue our friendship I will totally understand. But I would love to see you.

Of course if you have any questions at all or want to talk about this please just say.

Love X”

If you send this you will get to find out the strength of your friendship. If she rejects you it will be a good lesson for you on the consequences of lying. If she accepts you it shows how much she values you and that she is a compassionate person. Ghosting would punish her for your lies, when she hasn’t done anything wrong, and so is very very unfair.

This. Absolutely brilliant.

Tel her the truth.

If you ghost her, she will think it is something she has done - you are moving your pain onto her when she has done nothing to deserve it.

Confess to her. Let you be the one who takes the consequences and possible pain for your actions. Maybe, just maybe, she will give you a chance. But if she doesn't, at least you know that you gave her the opportunity to make a decision based on correct information.

Who knows, it might be the start of you living authentically and aligned with truth. All it takes is a decision to do it.

I think it really depends on what kinds of things you lied about - things that are about making yourself sound better than you are - an amazing job, expensive home, holidays.... or things that are more emotional like pretending you had cancer or an abortion or that people died when they didn't. I think the two are very different.

It's not that easy for me to give up this relationship by telling the truth, even if I want to. Knowing what the right thing is and doing the right thing are two different things.

I think there's a chance she would accept it maybe, but I worry that she would end up constantly wondering about things. Mainly I am just ashamed about it.

The lying isn't always to do with making myself more interesting, or manipulation, though in essence I get a kick from it in certain contexts. I said before, it's a little complicated. I tried looking things up about pathological liars, but most of the information is about how to deal with people like that or how to spot them; rarely will you find anything about actual real humans who struggle with that issue. I have an issue with lying, but that's not all there is to me. It's also very little to do with this friendship, other than it causing hurt for the level of lying and covering up. Obviously I am mad at myself for letting it get to this point.

For those saying to get therapy, I could shoot myself in the stomach at a GP surgery and be home without further intervention within the week. Mental health care in this country is abysmal unless you are either completely unhinged or very mildy depressed. If you are in any way employed and look otherwise competent you are screwed.

What @shamoo said.

Unless of course the lies are small, like you said you had blonde hair but it’s actually brown or something. I’d just say I dyed it.

Will the things you lied about defo come up?

Why would it be unfair to her to never meet anyone you know? I don't understand this. I have friends who have never met my DH or wider family. They are my friends, they meet me, there is no need for them to be introduced to them.

That said, I agree though that you should come clean with her and let her make the decision about whether she wishes to continue the friendship or not.

Eek. You sound very controlling. Ghost her, or don't but move on and get help. You don't need to be as dramatic as you mentioned to get help, there are various avenues for sourcing help, especially if you are able to pay. If not, right now, start calling yourself out when the urge to lie comes up. Of course you're going to say it's hard to be honest, why would you believe it's so straightforward for the rest of the world? The point is that we all have a choice. The only person you are repeatedly hurting here is yourself. Your 'friend' is responsible for her own life.

I think you're likely to have a personality disorder she you're not even sure you're sorry about your actions. It's just got awkward now. You don't seem to have any insight into people deserving the truth and you're clearly manipulative. Compulsive lying is not something that will be a problem in isolation-it's whatever else you do that would make me worried for this person. She deserves to know you've been lying so she can steer clear of the potential issues and drama. She has been really naive getting close to an anonymous stranger who isn't all they appear to be.

At the start of the thread it was assumed you were completely sorry and wanted to make things right, whatever that was. Because obviously people deserve the truth and have the right to make their own decisions. Now you're backtracking and suggesting this is just one aspect of who you are (that's for her to decide if she wants to take the trouble to sift through) and you wouldn't necessarily do the right thing if you did know it and she'd stand to lose a lot because she's vulnerable (what are you doing lying to her then) and - this is the important part- you're not sure you want to pay the price personally. By the way, lying to vulnerable people, manipulating them and then questioning whether they should be treated with honesty because they're vulnerable is exactly how an abuser works. It's also how people become damaged and vulnerable to abuse.

I think you're being highly manipulative even on this thread. You should definitely tell her and then seek psychotherapy. You're going to hurt an innocent person because you had to have a little kick.

you're likely to have a personality disorder and you're not even sure you're sorry about your actions.

I worry that she would end up constantly wondering about things

That's the price of being a liar. Own it, sit with the pain and accept the consequences. Or stop complaining that no one is there to help you. Feel the pain, maybe you'll think twice next time.

This is an enormous part of the friendship for her because you're lying to her and you're not who she thinks. It's not a huge part for you because you have all the facts and she's only got the reality you've created for her.

You seem to think it doesn't matter what she thinks or knows because you know and you feel it's all fine. But the friendship has to take place in a shared, equal reality or it's not a friendship. I'm surprised you haven't felt guilty and lovely before now. Instead it only seems to be bothering you that she might find out now, and what all this says about you. Actually losing a friend doesn't seem the primary issue-you report feeling shame and worry about your reputation and credibility. These are not normal responses.

Do you think you could be a narcissist. I do.

I have had experience of two friends lying over the years and it is just something I cannot accept.

Is the rush you get because the other person believing your lies makes you feel cleverer than them? There they are trusting you and you know you’ve got one over on them, they’re weak and you hold all the power.

That’s how you make it sound.

Do you lie to your husband?

lonely

I’m not sure how you think anyone can advise properly if you refuse to give any details of the lies and just say it’s complicated...

Of course it’s hard to do the right thing, you have a lot to lose. That doesn’t make you a very good person though so it’s up to you what kind of person you want to be. I feel very sorry for your friend.

Someone needs a good therapist op ...

@Shockingstocking

A lot of people will agree with what you're saying and probably would cheer you on as you twist the knife, but I don't actually think you're helping and you appear to be taking out your anger about lying on this op. That isn't great either. You aren't exactly modelling perfect mental health and compassion yourself tbh.

OP, look, it is really hard to advise you since you refuse to tell us what the lies were. If they are really bad, then you need to seek help, even if you have to pay for it.

Posting on MN, although, probably not wise, was a step towards being honest. Maybe you know how bad it is to lie to people for no good reason and you actually want people to pile on and give you a proverbial kicking.

But, we can't help you. Your problem sounds too serious for that tbh, reading between the lines.

It depends on the lies, I think.

Are they likely to do any harm to her? What I mean is, have you lied about certain things in common that she’s confided to you about? Or have you told her you’re a millionaire when you’re not??

Because the first is pretty vile - the second just makes you look a bit deranged.

As for not even attempting to get help because you have no faith in the system? That’s bullshit, sorry.

You need to want help, sure. But you don’t seem to want it.

I think I'd ghost - sorry.
It's all very complicated and this woman doesn't know the real you. She's making an effort and investing in a friendship with someone who has duped them about who they really are.
If I met up with you and you told me you had lied about things I'd feel really uncomfortable and tbh of never trust you.
( It must be quite big things if you are worrying about her seeing people you know).

Ghosting people hurts them and make them question themselves. If your goal is not to hurt her, don’t do this.

Write her a letter and tell her the truth.

I had a best friend that lied like this. She’s a wonderful person who experienced childhood trauma and neglect. She doesn’t trust other people with her true self. She does it for power over others, at least enough power to feel that things are balanced between them. She also did it to/about me to punish me sometimes. I knew and we stayed friends until she broke the rule not to lie about me.

She stopped with therapy but would revert during times of stress. Her lies were mainly what caused the stress.

I suggest looking online for group therapy/a forum. Look in US at online therapy options. Might be affordable.

Good luck OP. I do feel empathy for you but think you need to choose an option that will not leave your friend damaged and questioning herself.

People do daft things, OP. Explain to her as you have here. She will make her decision. And try not to lie again - my mother used to quote her mother as saying, "Liars have to have good memories." Clear the air and make a fresh start. Good luck.

It really is very difficult to provide any reasoned advice when you haven't said what the lies relate to? Some embellishments can easily be covered over. Big fundamental lies less so? Some lies are forgivable some are not. 🤷‍♀️

In what context did you meet her?? I talk to lots of people on line in the context of infertility, miscarriage, IVF etc. If I found out someone I'd confided in about these things was lying then I wouldn't be able to forgive

If you ghost her you will lose the friendship anyway, and hurt her in the process. If you tell her the truth there is a chance of keeping the friendship. I would always be against ghosting, it's pathetic.

I like @Shamoo's message and would say that would be the best approach. Hard to know what to advise as it depends on how big or bad the lies were. If the lies and ongoing embellishments were the basis of your friendship and nothing you confided was really true then I would think it would be hard for her to get past that. I absolutely have sympathy for you but I can't see any way for this to end well. I wouldn't advise ghosting her, an apology and explanation would be better.

Either way the friendship will be over so best to do it in the way that will least hurt your friend. Tell her you lied to her and that you are sorry. Then stop contact. Don't ghost her as that is cowardly and will hurt her even more.