AIBU to want to change DS surname?

[PandaEyed13]

Hellooo! My background in brief is I have a 9 year old from a previous relationship and a 3 year old with my current partner. We've been together 5 years, my older DS has my surname and younger DS has my partners surname.

I always wanted youngest DS to have my surname too, a double barrel, but for some reason I agreed to just give him my partners surname. I guess at the time it seemed fine because OH proposed when I was 6 months pregnant so it did (again at the time) seem a case of 'well I'll have OH name too eventually so why not,' and I went with it. OH did very very much want for DS to have just his surname but I wasn't under duress or threat from OH to do so, or anything like that, I do need to be honest and make that point.

But almost instantly I regretted it. Something just didn't feel right, I put it down to wanting him to share at least part of a name with his older brother and feel connected with each other. It was a niggling regret that grew and grew over time. So I started broaching the idea of adding my surname to his name too, just putting the feelers out. Immediate shut down from other half. No. Wholehearted no. 100% no. Just no. I tried a few times over the last 3 years to bring it up and I get shut down every time.

Now youngest DS is starting school in 2 weeks and it's something I seriously would like to do now. School will allow us to use whatever surname we'd like whether it's their legal name or not, they're quite liberal and free thinking nowadays what with gender neutrality and none binary and identification matters becoming more and more accepted.
Couple this with the fact that me and OH came to the realisation a few months ago that we have no plans to marry any time soon. We've been engaged for 3 years and haven't so much as even glanced at a wedding magazine or a bridal anything in that time, and upon chatting about it we came to the conclusion that we're really happy as we are and that we actually may not marry at all! Who knows, we'll see, maybe/maybe not, etc, etc!

So I don't even want to legally change DSs name now at this point, I just broached the topic of using a double barrel surname for him at school so that he shared a name in part at least with his brother, and also with me as I'm the parent that will be picking him up and dropping him off every single day, me at all the parents evenings, school plays, getting him midday if they call that he's sick, it's all on me baby, school will be my thing and OH will literally never be there due to his new job and the hours he works. 8:15am to 5:30pm.

We had a row and a half tonight. Still no. Absolutely no. I explained my reasons that I just want that familial link to myself and his brother while in that setting, and also a little for reputation reasons too. Times are modern but I'm starting fresh with a new class of parents in 2 weeks time and I'll be the one with 2 kids to different dads and different surnames, who's partner may as well be phantom because he's never going to be there. But he literally doesn't care, it all got very ugly. Apparently I've had my own way giving him his first name and now I'm trying to manipulate my surname into the mix too. He's so offensively against adding my surname that I'm confused and shocked and extremely peed off. He understands fully that I don't want to remove his surname, I just want to add mine, yet he has no explanation as to why he's so dead against it, he had no reasons that he could articulate as to why it was a dead no. I honestly feel offended at this point so I press more as to why my name is apparently dirt and why he's against it and it came out, like a dude in the 50s, it boiled down to 'he's mine. He has my name, you take the father's name and that's how it should be.' It's like a claim he's making on DS. Like a territory. I walked out to bed, he's sleeping on the couch (his choice) and it's unresolved.

I'm laying here feeling unheard, offended, disrespected and a bit like I want to leave him. I just feel personally insulted by the refusal to allow a part of my name too. He's acting like we're not together anymore and I'm trying to change DS name after a separation, there's a hint of venom and resentment from him that I would expect to see if the situation actually was like that. But it's not! We're supposed to be happily together! So why can't younger DS have mine and older DS name as well as his, why is it the worst thing that could happen?!

It shouldn't matter, I know, but it does.

AIBU? We've had silly arguments in the past about 'couple things' and said 'that's it, I'm off' and of course we don't leave, we never mean it, just a daft row about dishes or unpicked up socks. But something in me now feels offended and insulted at the core in a way I haven't felt before in the relationship. As though maybe his reaction alone is a deal breaker. If I can't add my name, well I made my bed in agreeing 3 years ago so I'll deal with it - that's not the deal breaker. It's his refusal, regressive attitude, downright offensive and disrespectful shutdown towards me and the deadset refusal to even consider including my name when he knows how much it means to me. I got barked at that I've been dropping hints for 3 years and hasn't he made it clear enough that he isn't interested, so I need to drop it.

Again, AIBU? Genuinely, I'm not sure if I am here. I know he is, am I as well?

xx

No, you’re not unreasonable.

These men who are so into it’s just ‘how it is’ and ‘tradition’ seem to be very comfy having children out of wedlock for some reason.

I think if you agreed to this three years ago, but have been repeatedly subtly mentioning it over that time then of course he’s going to be annoyed, because he’s going to feel like a matter he thought was sorted just isn’t.

Whatever the surname is, you’re still a woman with two children to two different dads; nothing can change that.

YANBU, it makes perfect sense adding your name.

I couldn't agree more with trixiebelden77 - you are not being unreasonable.

You're allowed to have discussions in a healthy relationship. You're allowed to reassess your option as the situation changes. If your partner, who is supposed to be your teammate in life, doesn't support you - especially as coldly and full as apathy as your partner is - something is not right.

You don't need to always agree with your partner. But on matters like this, which actually matter, you sure as hell deserve to be treated with respect.

It seems like certain men treat having a baby like having a pet. It's got their name on the metaphorical collar and they aren't willing to let that go, even if they're not the one getting it's dinner and walking it everyday.

*its

You have two different issues here.

One is your partner and his refusal to have any compromise. Only you can decide what to do with that.

The second is your DS's name. You can't change it without the agreement of everyone with PR so you will have to let that go. The time for deciding his name is past. But just to reassure you - in our house we have 3 different surnames - me, DH & our joint kids have one name, DS1 has DH and his Mum's name double-barrelled, and my girls have their Dad's name and no-one gives a stuff. In fact for a while I was also dealing with school and Dr for my nephew who lived with us and that was another name. The only woman who has ever commented on my children having different names was a rude cow who also commented on my hair colour and my weight.

Try not to worry about the name. He's your DS regardless. You have bigger fish to fry if, as it sounds, your DP proposed to persuade you to his way over the name.

Your reasons for wanting to add it are not less ridiculous and emotional than he reasons for not adding it. I would be pissed at my partner if we can to an agreement about something, especially if part of that agreement was you getting your way with the first name, then having to listen to them whine about for 3 years and now really going on about. You agreed on his last name, you need to let it go.

For me, the question is did you get your own way with the first name? Because if you picked the first name with the agreement that his was the last name used and now you’re trying to have your surname as well - yes, I do think you’re being a bit unreasonable, and agree with PP that would be very annoying to have that brought up over and over.

He's acting like we're not together anymore and I'm trying to change DS name after a separation, there's a hint of venom and resentment from him that I would expect to see if the situation actually was like that. But it's not! We're supposed to be happily together!

This, in combination with the long engagement, makes me think that maybe one of you or both feel this relationship isn't forever.

Hi why don't you put your surname down as your son's middle name ?

He seems awfully happy to have the traditions that benefit him and none that might not.

Why are you doing all the childcare?

Could you double barrel all your names even your older son? That way you all have the same name.
By the way you don't have to look at bridal mags to get married. You just pop down the Registrar Office and get a license and a couple of weeks later you can be married.

It's really shit and frankly a bit telling that he's not prepared to add the double barrel to also reflect your input on your child. However, from the opposite side of the spectrum I insisted on a double barrelled surname on my child's birth certificate even though ex and I split after 4yrs during my pregnancy. I wanted them to still have the connection, but I used my surname as the latter double. I think other than their actual passport, they've dropped the 'double' throughout school, GP, opticians and whatever else in life. So it's never actually come to anything? And to be fair probably wouldn't even be taken into account with your older DC if it's a 'secondary surname' ... However! I do think he's being a controlling prick when you have a joint child and he's not prepared to take your input on board with that too. And frankly if you'd had a daughter instead then then the chances of it 'remaining' their name would be relatively much lower! (I wonder if he'd kick up as much fuss then 🤔).

I think this is selfish, it's all about what you want. Do you know how you child feels about it? This is your childs name, part of his identity. I don't care how young he is. You made a decision and gave him a name. It is now his name to change and not yours.

I don't personally think people should change their childrens names because it now suits them to do so. My name and my brothers were changed when I was about 4. Because it suited my mum, no discussion with me. I always resented it. Then it suited her to change it again. Again no discussion. Growing up I had 3 different surnames. Because she split with my Dad and wanted us to have her name, because of a new husband and wanted us to have the same name as our half brother. She always had a reason. But it was my name, not hers.
It's unfair to your child to change it. Your child my decide he wants to drop your name anyway. My brother and I have stronge feelings about this. We both changed our names back to the original one when we were older. Because it is our real name.

Did you agree to get choice of first name abd have you been mentioning changing the name since?

How about changing your surname to his and adding it to older dc name as a double barrel? Then you all share a surname and dp can't quibble you've changed his dc name?

@TheVamoosh

He's acting like we're not together anymore and I'm trying to change DS name after a separation, there's a hint of venom and resentment from him that I would expect to see if the situation actually was like that. But it's not! We're supposed to be happily together!

This, in combination with the long engagement, makes me think that maybe one of you or both feel this relationship isn't forever.

Agreed.

Can you just do it?

I'd be furious as it speaks of fundamental disrespect of you.

I do have to agree with CrumbleCake actually. This isn't up to you or your DP. You gave your child a name, a name they will now know themselves and identify themselves by, and because of your feelings, you want to change it. It isn't yours to change imo, the time for that was when you decided his name when he was born. It's his name now and no one else should get to decide whether he changes it or not.

I'd have been really upset if my mum had decided to change my name to her maiden name/new husband's name or whatever from my dad's name when they divorced or just because she wanted to. Not because I was my dad's property or I had 50's style thinking as a child. But because it was my name, it's the name I knew myself by, it was mine, not hers.

And that's not saying I agree with your partners attitude toward you here at all. I dont. But I just think neither of you are thinking about your child and what they might want, it's all about what the pair of you want.

And definitely don't make the 9yr old double barrel his name as PPs have suggested. It isn't up to you!!

Can you add your surname by deed poll as a middle name ?
That way he’d have your surname in his name, but it would avoid the fall out with his dad.
What does your son want, and is it worth losing your relationship for ?

@FippertyGibbett

Can you add your surname by deed poll as a middle name ? That way he’d have your surname in his name, but it would avoid the fall out with his dad. What does your son want, and is it worth losing your relationship for ?

You can’t change a child’s name unless you have agreement with everyone with PR, or a court order.

I completely understand your feelings about

Wont the 9 year old be heading to secondary school when the youngest goes to reception? In which case i

I agree with PP that it's too late now. How confusing will it be for your four year old to suddenly be called a different surname now? It's not about you or your partner, OP, as PP have pointed out.