AIBU to want to change DS surname?

[PandaEyed13]

Hellooo! My background in brief is I have a 9 year old from a previous relationship and a 3 year old with my current partner. We've been together 5 years, my older DS has my surname and younger DS has my partners surname.

I always wanted youngest DS to have my surname too, a double barrel, but for some reason I agreed to just give him my partners surname. I guess at the time it seemed fine because OH proposed when I was 6 months pregnant so it did (again at the time) seem a case of 'well I'll have OH name too eventually so why not,' and I went with it. OH did very very much want for DS to have just his surname but I wasn't under duress or threat from OH to do so, or anything like that, I do need to be honest and make that point.

But almost instantly I regretted it. Something just didn't feel right, I put it down to wanting him to share at least part of a name with his older brother and feel connected with each other. It was a niggling regret that grew and grew over time. So I started broaching the idea of adding my surname to his name too, just putting the feelers out. Immediate shut down from other half. No. Wholehearted no. 100% no. Just no. I tried a few times over the last 3 years to bring it up and I get shut down every time.

Now youngest DS is starting school in 2 weeks and it's something I seriously would like to do now. School will allow us to use whatever surname we'd like whether it's their legal name or not, they're quite liberal and free thinking nowadays what with gender neutrality and none binary and identification matters becoming more and more accepted.
Couple this with the fact that me and OH came to the realisation a few months ago that we have no plans to marry any time soon. We've been engaged for 3 years and haven't so much as even glanced at a wedding magazine or a bridal anything in that time, and upon chatting about it we came to the conclusion that we're really happy as we are and that we actually may not marry at all! Who knows, we'll see, maybe/maybe not, etc, etc!

So I don't even want to legally change DSs name now at this point, I just broached the topic of using a double barrel surname for him at school so that he shared a name in part at least with his brother, and also with me as I'm the parent that will be picking him up and dropping him off every single day, me at all the parents evenings, school plays, getting him midday if they call that he's sick, it's all on me baby, school will be my thing and OH will literally never be there due to his new job and the hours he works. 8:15am to 5:30pm.

We had a row and a half tonight. Still no. Absolutely no. I explained my reasons that I just want that familial link to myself and his brother while in that setting, and also a little for reputation reasons too. Times are modern but I'm starting fresh with a new class of parents in 2 weeks time and I'll be the one with 2 kids to different dads and different surnames, who's partner may as well be phantom because he's never going to be there. But he literally doesn't care, it all got very ugly. Apparently I've had my own way giving him his first name and now I'm trying to manipulate my surname into the mix too. He's so offensively against adding my surname that I'm confused and shocked and extremely peed off. He understands fully that I don't want to remove his surname, I just want to add mine, yet he has no explanation as to why he's so dead against it, he had no reasons that he could articulate as to why it was a dead no. I honestly feel offended at this point so I press more as to why my name is apparently dirt and why he's against it and it came out, like a dude in the 50s, it boiled down to 'he's mine. He has my name, you take the father's name and that's how it should be.' It's like a claim he's making on DS. Like a territory. I walked out to bed, he's sleeping on the couch (his choice) and it's unresolved.

I'm laying here feeling unheard, offended, disrespected and a bit like I want to leave him. I just feel personally insulted by the refusal to allow a part of my name too. He's acting like we're not together anymore and I'm trying to change DS name after a separation, there's a hint of venom and resentment from him that I would expect to see if the situation actually was like that. But it's not! We're supposed to be happily together! So why can't younger DS have mine and older DS name as well as his, why is it the worst thing that could happen?!

It shouldn't matter, I know, but it does.

AIBU? We've had silly arguments in the past about 'couple things' and said 'that's it, I'm off' and of course we don't leave, we never mean it, just a daft row about dishes or unpicked up socks. But something in me now feels offended and insulted at the core in a way I haven't felt before in the relationship. As though maybe his reaction alone is a deal breaker. If I can't add my name, well I made my bed in agreeing 3 years ago so I'll deal with it - that's not the deal breaker. It's his refusal, regressive attitude, downright offensive and disrespectful shutdown towards me and the deadset refusal to even consider including my name when he knows how much it means to me. I got barked at that I've been dropping hints for 3 years and hasn't he made it clear enough that he isn't interested, so I need to drop it.

Again, AIBU? Genuinely, I'm not sure if I am here. I know he is, am I as well?

xx

So if your partner went on for 3 years about changing your sons first name because he'd changed his mind from when he first agreed to let you choose it, would you agree?

And I don't really see how your reasons are any more progressive than his. You say he doesn't want to change the surname because he's very 50's in his thinking yet you only want to change it because you're worried what people will think of an unmarried woman with two children with two different father's. Both of your logic is flawed.

YANBU

Your (for now) OH is not willing to have both names = seems like he wants to stamp his sole ownership

With his lack of respect for you as an equal parent, you will likely split up before your child reaches adulthood,
in which case it will be a total ovary ache that your DS does not have your name at all

• it's easiest to change when the child is as young as possible

So the agreement was you picked first name, he got his surname And you’ve nyittered for 3 years about changing it?

I can see why he snapped.

The OP did not suggest ridiculous names like PlayStation as a surname

She gave in to her partner in giving their DS his surname becauser he wanted it so much - and because it was assuming they would be married soon after, so goalposts have changed
Funny that, once he got what he wanted

Surnames matter very much, especially after a split, which looks quite likely

The easiest thing to do here, is just get over your own feeling of needing to have the same name as your child.

You thought you would when you got married - but then you wouldn’t have had the same name as your older son 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your boyfriend sounds like a total prick, but you’re worrying too much about the mum with 2 kids to 2 dads thing.

I’m divorced. I never changed my name when I married. My children have their dad’s name because I think it’s a nicer name than mine. I do not give a shiny shit what anyone thinks about them not having my surname.

Splitting with a shouty dad is generally more likely as the child grows up and the clash in parenting styles becomes more frequent

Easier if the child has the same surname as the parent who will be dealing doing with the school,
especially if they split

I agree with your DP. The name belongs to your DS. I don’t think you should change his name because of concerns for your reputation.

IMO double barrelled names are a pain for the DC.

@ThatsNotMyMeerkat
There's different tastes - and then there's suggesting calling your child Slimer, trying to be funny! There's not letting go of trying to call your baby Hulk! Yes his suggestions were vetoed. Rightfully. Kindly. For the sake of my son. He never cared for giving DS a proper name, he treated name choosing like a silly game, all banter and foolishness. I suggested a name in hospital that we agreed on.
It doesn't feel fair now that I'm getting accused of manipulation with naming because I didn't want to call my son Giggsy, Scholes or Donald (after Donald Trump, who he thinks is "pure joke and bants!") Or Jesus pronounced the Spanish way when we're not bloody Spanish!
I feel like one of us had to grow up and be an adult and suggest a nice name for our child that he could live with and grow with. At least OH reached agreement with me on the chosen first name, at least it was something we both love now. Like I said it doesn't feel fair that now I'm getting "Well you came up with the first name," because seriously, that implies that OH would genuinely have called DS Beckham or Masterchef given the chance, and we both know he wouldnt have. He just never took it seriously and treated it like a game. Like a toddler being allowed to dress themselves and them coming downstairs in wellies, a swimsuit, waistcoat, long gloves and a fisherman's hat! That's was my OH messing around with names!

So, was your husbands taste genuinely terrible or was he ‘bantering and being foolish?’
I also didn’t say anywhere you were manipulative. I think it’s equitable, if you chose the first name (which you did), that the child had his surname 🤷‍♀️

I have heard of at least three children called Beckham, as an aside.

He's being completely unreasonable OP. 100% unreasonable.

I'm 33 weeks pregnant and giving our child both our surnames because I won't change mine when we marry next year and because why shouldn't both of us be represented?

I might add Fang to the list though.

@ThatsNotMyMeerkat
He never seriously chose a name or made a suggestion that was sensible and could be considered. It was all a big joke from month 4 to month 9. I don't accept that just because we landed on a name that was originally thrown in the ring by me, that I've had my own way! That's like being in a relationship with someone, buying a dining table together, paying half each and then one person going 'well I don't care that we both love the table! It was found in your catalogue, not mine! So I'm choosing whatever chairs I want to go with it, and I want neon green perspex bar stools with red paint splash! You don't get a say, you table picker!'
You didn't call me manipulative, OH did last night.

@StepAwayFromGoogle

I agree with PP that it's too late now. How confusing will it be for your four year old to suddenly be called a different surname now? It's not about you or your partner, OP, as PP have pointed out.

Do most four year olds even know their surname?! It's hardly going to be in daily use around them.

YANBU to want it changed, but you can't do it without his agreement. You can split up though, and since you'll be the one dealing with the school, tell them any name you like...

I think you have far bigger issues than the name here (though I think double-barrelled is fair). Your OH sounds like a man child. Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Without being married you're in an extremely vulnerable position as a SAHM. If he leaves or you want to leave what is your exit plan? Who owns the house?

Not that this helps you now, but I always tell unmarried woken to give the baby their surname... No matter what. Hell... I was mid divorce when my first was born... For 2 months he had my maiden name as his surname while I still had my ex's surname. Now we both have my maiden name.

Anyway... No you aren't the unreasonable one

@rosiejaune no he doesn't know his surname. I mentioned in an earlier comment that he has speech and language delay and a developmental delay. His comprehension and understanding of mist things, including his self awareness and self identification, is extremely limited.

And to reply to a lot of the same point brought up by comments, I don't want to remove his name. I don't want to erase his own familial link to our son or wipe out his legacy or whatever you want to call it. I just want to add mine. Especially at school, for lots of reasons I've previously mentioned and especially as I'm the parent who'll be doing school in it's entirety, always. A lot of people have asked why I will be the only one doing school. Because OH works 8:15am to 5:30pm. He will never physically be able to drop him off, collect him or attend appointments or meetings. Not unless he books holiday or days off, but he books his time off to coincide with when the boys are on school holidays too. He will literally never be at the school at all.

I have children with 2 different surnames and there has never been any issue with it and they have never seen each other as anything other than brothers. Now I did give ds2 my maiden name (and ds1s surname) as a middle name, then we got married shortly after. I always assumed ds1 would eventually take Dh's name but 9years down the line he's adamant he will not change his name and its part of his identity (we don't push the issue though, we did ask maybe once a year if he'd like to but haven't for a while now). However there is an issue when travelling and taking them on my own. Passport control get funny if you have a child with a different surname to you and for that reason I have double-barrelled MY surname (after being mrs x for 4yrs I changed and am now mrs x-y on passport) so that I can be easily linked to both. But it's not an issue for them at all.

We've got loads of different surnames in our house.
DD and DS have their dads surname.
DP and youngest DD and DSD have the same surname.
I have my maiden name.
We also have my nephew living with us at the moment and he has his dads surname.

Never been an issue for us, ever.
When we go away I put birth certificates in a folder with the passports. Never an issue at school, they hardly ever use my surname anyway. I'm just known as ?'s mum.

Your reasoning for wanting it changed is no better than his reason to not what it changed imo.

In this situation I’d double barrel your name then you have one name the same as the eldest and one name the same as the youngest - so you will have a link with both. I think it’s too late to change your DC’s names now.

@GaraMedouar

In this situation I’d double barrel your name then you have one name the same as the eldest and one name the same as the youngest - so you will have a link with both. I think it’s too late to change your DC’s names now.

That's a good idea, why don't you be the one to change?

@PeanutDear I haven't ruled it out. I'm open to that consideration.

The problem for me is OH is completely ruling out and is not open to any consideration, to the point where I'm offended and confused as to why just the idea of adding my name is such a bad idea, such a problem, such an instant no. No matter what I say, no matter how I feel. It's a "No, don't bring it up again, he's mine and that's it and he cannot have your name included!" with no real reason as to why it would be so awful. Especially as I'm not asking to erase his name at all. It's not a subtraction, it's an addition. And if we're supposed to be in a happy, equal relationship then why can't DS be represented by us both?! He can't answer.

So that's the issue. To the point where I'm prepared to walk over it. I can't help how I feel, and I feel disrespected and confused and crushed at my core. I feel insulted.

OP, it sounds like your husband is terribly immature.

I wonder if this extends to other areas of life. For me, the reason I was asking if you were doing all the childcare is that it sounds like you plan to stay unmarried. Politically and personally, this is absolutely fine (good, even, if it's what you need/want). But practically, it can put you in a very vulnerable situation if you're the carer for the kids.

If you're independently wealthy or can live on your salary, then the vulnerability is blunted. But if you don't work and don't have independent means, not being married can screw you if you split. Even if you have no intention of splitting, it'll screw you if something happens to him.

This sounds like a tangent, but I think it's intimately connected: he's behaving like a child. He's not thinking long term, and he's being really selfish. It's actually not okay.

PS: "Donald Trump is bantz" made me feel a bit ill, actually. It's silly, but it's also part of the overall pattern of thinking and acting like a teenager.