Hellooo! My background in brief is I have a 9 year old from a previous relationship and a 3 year old with my current partner. We've been together 5 years, my older DS has my surname and younger DS has my partners surname.
I always wanted youngest DS to have my surname too, a double barrel, but for some reason I agreed to just give him my partners surname. I guess at the time it seemed fine because OH proposed when I was 6 months pregnant so it did (again at the time) seem a case of 'well I'll have OH name too eventually so why not,' and I went with it. OH did very very much want for DS to have just his surname but I wasn't under duress or threat from OH to do so, or anything like that, I do need to be honest and make that point.
But almost instantly I regretted it. Something just didn't feel right, I put it down to wanting him to share at least part of a name with his older brother and feel connected with each other. It was a niggling regret that grew and grew over time. So I started broaching the idea of adding my surname to his name too, just putting the feelers out. Immediate shut down from other half. No. Wholehearted no. 100% no. Just no. I tried a few times over the last 3 years to bring it up and I get shut down every time.
Now youngest DS is starting school in 2 weeks and it's something I seriously would like to do now. School will allow us to use whatever surname we'd like whether it's their legal name or not, they're quite liberal and free thinking nowadays what with gender neutrality and none binary and identification matters becoming more and more accepted.
Couple this with the fact that me and OH came to the realisation a few months ago that we have no plans to marry any time soon. We've been engaged for 3 years and haven't so much as even glanced at a wedding magazine or a bridal anything in that time, and upon chatting about it we came to the conclusion that we're really happy as we are and that we actually may not marry at all! Who knows, we'll see, maybe/maybe not, etc, etc!
So I don't even want to legally change DSs name now at this point, I just broached the topic of using a double barrel surname for him at school so that he shared a name in part at least with his brother, and also with me as I'm the parent that will be picking him up and dropping him off every single day, me at all the parents evenings, school plays, getting him midday if they call that he's sick, it's all on me baby, school will be my thing and OH will literally never be there due to his new job and the hours he works. 8:15am to 5:30pm.
We had a row and a half tonight. Still no. Absolutely no. I explained my reasons that I just want that familial link to myself and his brother while in that setting, and also a little for reputation reasons too. Times are modern but I'm starting fresh with a new class of parents in 2 weeks time and I'll be the one with 2 kids to different dads and different surnames, who's partner may as well be phantom because he's never going to be there. But he literally doesn't care, it all got very ugly. Apparently I've had my own way giving him his first name and now I'm trying to manipulate my surname into the mix too. He's so offensively against adding my surname that I'm confused and shocked and extremely peed off. He understands fully that I don't want to remove his surname, I just want to add mine, yet he has no explanation as to why he's so dead against it, he had no reasons that he could articulate as to why it was a dead no. I honestly feel offended at this point so I press more as to why my name is apparently dirt and why he's against it and it came out, like a dude in the 50s, it boiled down to 'he's mine. He has my name, you take the father's name and that's how it should be.' It's like a claim he's making on DS. Like a territory. I walked out to bed, he's sleeping on the couch (his choice) and it's unresolved.
I'm laying here feeling unheard, offended, disrespected and a bit like I want to leave him. I just feel personally insulted by the refusal to allow a part of my name too. He's acting like we're not together anymore and I'm trying to change DS name after a separation, there's a hint of venom and resentment from him that I would expect to see if the situation actually was like that. But it's not! We're supposed to be happily together! So why can't younger DS have mine and older DS name as well as his, why is it the worst thing that could happen?!
It shouldn't matter, I know, but it does.
AIBU? We've had silly arguments in the past about 'couple things' and said 'that's it, I'm off' and of course we don't leave, we never mean it, just a daft row about dishes or unpicked up socks. But something in me now feels offended and insulted at the core in a way I haven't felt before in the relationship. As though maybe his reaction alone is a deal breaker. If I can't add my name, well I made my bed in agreeing 3 years ago so I'll deal with it - that's not the deal breaker. It's his refusal, regressive attitude, downright offensive and disrespectful shutdown towards me and the deadset refusal to even consider including my name when he knows how much it means to me. I got barked at that I've been dropping hints for 3 years and hasn't he made it clear enough that he isn't interested, so I need to drop it.
Again, AIBU? Genuinely, I'm not sure if I am here. I know he is, am I as well?
xx