AIBU to want to change DS surname?

[PandaEyed13]

Hellooo! My background in brief is I have a 9 year old from a previous relationship and a 3 year old with my current partner. We've been together 5 years, my older DS has my surname and younger DS has my partners surname.

I always wanted youngest DS to have my surname too, a double barrel, but for some reason I agreed to just give him my partners surname. I guess at the time it seemed fine because OH proposed when I was 6 months pregnant so it did (again at the time) seem a case of 'well I'll have OH name too eventually so why not,' and I went with it. OH did very very much want for DS to have just his surname but I wasn't under duress or threat from OH to do so, or anything like that, I do need to be honest and make that point.

But almost instantly I regretted it. Something just didn't feel right, I put it down to wanting him to share at least part of a name with his older brother and feel connected with each other. It was a niggling regret that grew and grew over time. So I started broaching the idea of adding my surname to his name too, just putting the feelers out. Immediate shut down from other half. No. Wholehearted no. 100% no. Just no. I tried a few times over the last 3 years to bring it up and I get shut down every time.

Now youngest DS is starting school in 2 weeks and it's something I seriously would like to do now. School will allow us to use whatever surname we'd like whether it's their legal name or not, they're quite liberal and free thinking nowadays what with gender neutrality and none binary and identification matters becoming more and more accepted.
Couple this with the fact that me and OH came to the realisation a few months ago that we have no plans to marry any time soon. We've been engaged for 3 years and haven't so much as even glanced at a wedding magazine or a bridal anything in that time, and upon chatting about it we came to the conclusion that we're really happy as we are and that we actually may not marry at all! Who knows, we'll see, maybe/maybe not, etc, etc!

So I don't even want to legally change DSs name now at this point, I just broached the topic of using a double barrel surname for him at school so that he shared a name in part at least with his brother, and also with me as I'm the parent that will be picking him up and dropping him off every single day, me at all the parents evenings, school plays, getting him midday if they call that he's sick, it's all on me baby, school will be my thing and OH will literally never be there due to his new job and the hours he works. 8:15am to 5:30pm.

We had a row and a half tonight. Still no. Absolutely no. I explained my reasons that I just want that familial link to myself and his brother while in that setting, and also a little for reputation reasons too. Times are modern but I'm starting fresh with a new class of parents in 2 weeks time and I'll be the one with 2 kids to different dads and different surnames, who's partner may as well be phantom because he's never going to be there. But he literally doesn't care, it all got very ugly. Apparently I've had my own way giving him his first name and now I'm trying to manipulate my surname into the mix too. He's so offensively against adding my surname that I'm confused and shocked and extremely peed off. He understands fully that I don't want to remove his surname, I just want to add mine, yet he has no explanation as to why he's so dead against it, he had no reasons that he could articulate as to why it was a dead no. I honestly feel offended at this point so I press more as to why my name is apparently dirt and why he's against it and it came out, like a dude in the 50s, it boiled down to 'he's mine. He has my name, you take the father's name and that's how it should be.' It's like a claim he's making on DS. Like a territory. I walked out to bed, he's sleeping on the couch (his choice) and it's unresolved.

I'm laying here feeling unheard, offended, disrespected and a bit like I want to leave him. I just feel personally insulted by the refusal to allow a part of my name too. He's acting like we're not together anymore and I'm trying to change DS name after a separation, there's a hint of venom and resentment from him that I would expect to see if the situation actually was like that. But it's not! We're supposed to be happily together! So why can't younger DS have mine and older DS name as well as his, why is it the worst thing that could happen?!

It shouldn't matter, I know, but it does.

AIBU? We've had silly arguments in the past about 'couple things' and said 'that's it, I'm off' and of course we don't leave, we never mean it, just a daft row about dishes or unpicked up socks. But something in me now feels offended and insulted at the core in a way I haven't felt before in the relationship. As though maybe his reaction alone is a deal breaker. If I can't add my name, well I made my bed in agreeing 3 years ago so I'll deal with it - that's not the deal breaker. It's his refusal, regressive attitude, downright offensive and disrespectful shutdown towards me and the deadset refusal to even consider including my name when he knows how much it means to me. I got barked at that I've been dropping hints for 3 years and hasn't he made it clear enough that he isn't interested, so I need to drop it.

Again, AIBU? Genuinely, I'm not sure if I am here. I know he is, am I as well?

xx

Your child's surname is the name you agreed to put on the birth certificate. I don't see any need to change it now and no doubt your partner feels the same. My friend has a different surname to her 3 children, never been an issue.

Oh dear i posted my last comment too soon.

I understand your feelings about the familial name connection. With the 9 year old heading to a secondary school around the time the youngest starts reception I dont think it will matter so much for school purposes

I think the time to discuss this was 3 years ago and you should live with your decision now. Or get married if the name is really that important to you. It only costs about £100 (We got married when I was pregnant with DC2 for a similar reason. We had been together 15 years by this point)

I do see your partners point. Your reasoning sounds to be social stigma on your part. Its not fair to make the children change their names for that reason.

Lyralalala - yes you can. Both parents sign a deed poll.

@FippertyGibbett

Lyralalala - yes you can. Both parents sign a deed poll.

Read my comment again. You can't change it without the consent with everyone with PR is what I said.

Quite clearly it's not going to be an option in this case as the child's father isn't going to agree.

School will allow us to use whatever surname we'd like whether it's their legal name or not, they're quite liberal and free thinking nowadays using a different name has always been allowed. Why wouldn't it be?
Although you did make me laugh by calling out your partner for being regressive and then saying this what with gender neutrality and none binary and identification matters becoming more and more accepted. yeah, so progressive 😂

He might agree to adding a middle name.
No need to get shirty - it’s worth her asking.

How confusing will it be for your four year old to suddenly be called a different surname now?

But surely that happens all the time when parents split up and children are welcomed into new families?

@Puzzledoyster

School will allow us to use whatever surname we'd like whether it's their legal name or not, they're quite liberal and free thinking nowadays using a different name has always been allowed. Why wouldn't it be? Although you did make me laugh by calling out your partner for being regressive and then saying this what with gender neutrality and none binary and identification matters becoming more and more accepted. yeah, so progressive 😂

Many schools are no longer allowing it because they're not actually meant to allow it. They need to make sure they have proper permission from everyone with PR and they can also carry the can if a child changing name causes them to slip through the net for any reason (trying to track down a kid who has had their surname changed 3/4 times isn't easy).

It's much less common now than it used to be.

@Medievalist

How confusing will it be for your four year old to suddenly be called a different surname now?

But surely that happens all the time when parents split up and children are welcomed into new families?

Parents splitting up shouldn't mean a child's name is changed. Why on earth would it?

@trixiebelden77

No, you’re not unreasonable.

These men who are so into it’s just ‘how it is’ and ‘tradition’ seem to be very comfy having children out of wedlock for some reason.

Don't they just. Complete fucking hypocrite.

Just to say that my mum did exactly what you want to do and even though I was only 5yo, it really messed me up because I'd already associated my identity with my father's name. Suddenly using my mum's surname didn't seem me any longer.

Somehow, this feeling remained although I never told her until I turned 18, moved out and just claimed my name back. She hadn't legally changed it so it was easy to do.

It might be just me because I also wasn't keen to change my name when I got married and 10 years on, I still don't associate with it and prefer to go by my dad's, ie. my name.

I think that was meant for the OP lyralala as she was the one that said they allow it nowadays

@dontdisturbmenow

Just to say that my mum did exactly what you want to do and even though I was only 5yo, it really messed me up because I'd already associated my identity with my father's name. Suddenly using my mum's surname didn't seem me any longer.

Somehow, this feeling remained although I never told her until I turned 18, moved out and just claimed my name back. She hadn't legally changed it so it was easy to do.

It might be just me because I also wasn't keen to change my name when I got married and 10 years on, I still don't associate with it and prefer to go by my dad's, ie. my name.

That last sentence really struck a chord with me, I thought I was the only one. When I’m asked my married surname it’s almost like I’m talking about someone else and I’ve always felt a bit stupid about it. I am the same in that I still associate myself with my maiden name.

@Puzzledoyster

I think that was meant for the OP lyralala as she was the one that said they allow it nowadays

It was in response to using a different name has always been allowed. Why wouldn't it be? The quote function garbled up the post

Well if his reasons are purely the sexist one's he's given then he is being unreasonable, but I think you are too.

Personally, if I were him and every time you asked about this you led with wanting him to have the same surname as his brother (which you have here), it would put my back up more than if you led with wanting him to have the same surname as you. Being a step parent comes with many sacrifices and it would massively irritate me if my partner thought that should be the reason I shouldn't get to experience having a child with my family name, and continuing my family tree. That would really, really annoy me. I can't excuse his archaic attitudes but I would venture that that isn't helping things and could be bubbling away under the surface.

The obvious thing would have been to have double barrelled it from the start, but as others have said, it's his name now. My daughter isn't yet 2 and is already starting to learn her full name and loves saying it. By the time she was starting school I'm sure she'd be very confused and potentially upset by changing her name.

@Medievalist

How confusing will it be for your four year old to suddenly be called a different surname now?

But surely that happens all the time when parents split up and children are welcomed into new families?

Does it?! Why would you change your child's name just because you split up with their other parent?! I would never do this. My child's name is their name whether I'm with their other parent or not, I can't just change it every time I 'welcome them into a new family'. How unfair.

YANBU but kids having different surnames isn't terrible. My eldest DS has my surname and Dd has my partners. They are both in school with different names and never been a problem.

If you were to get married what name would you take? Your partners alone or a double barrelled your youngest child has??

So you want your son to use a made up name from the age of 4-11 because you think that other parents at school will view you like a hussy because you are an unmarried mother with two children by two men.

You need to work on your own issues here. Do you really think that anyone will give that much of a shit about your family set up, and if they did, are they really the sort of people you want to impress?

If you're that arsed, change your own name by deed poll to the same as your partners but please don't confuse your child by giving them a made up name.

All names are made up....

Apparently I've had my own way giving him his first name and now I'm trying to manipulate my surname into the mix too
This is the only part that could make you BU. Did you get to choose the first name in exchange for him giving him his last name?

Wow lots of comments, lots to think about. Thanks every one.

I just want to clear up, my DS doesn't know his name! He knows his first name and that's all. He's 3 and a half and has a developmental delay, significant speech and language delay and sensory sensitivity issues. He qualified for funding to allow a helper from educational support to attend nursery with him. He's due to have speech and language therapy, occupational therapy and we've been waiting for the community paediatrician to see him for a year. We don't actually know what's wrong with him because we've been on a process of trying to get him seen by anyone for 2 years. Coronavirus didn't help and all his scheduled appointments got cancelled with all the departments he's waiting for remaining closed, in fact before coronavirus even happened the paediatrician cancelled his appointment 3 times in a row. I've managed to get her to video call with us on the 7th of Sept.
He had a brilliant educational support worker when he was 2 that tentatively suggested autism but it doesn't feel like it. He's sweet and loving and wants to engage with people, he loves a cuddle and a snuggle, but on his terms! When he doesn't want that cuddle or kiss, then he wants you to back off and don't touch him.
It's complex and a struggle and I honestly don't know what is different about him, by that I mean - what he has or what to call it.
He's just completely behind on his speech and awareness and comprehension. He can eat his dinner brilliantly with a knife and fork, complete a puzzle in seconds and drink from a cup without a lid or straw excellently, which even my 9 year old doesn't so without making a right mess! But he doesn't know who he is. He can't say for example "hello I am ..... and I am 3 years old," like his peers. He doesn't understand any of that. He doesn't know what his birthday is for example or understand it when it's coming up. He was confused and scared on his birthday, we had to leave his presents unwrapped because he can't bear the change and the surprise or understands what was happening and why it was happening. He doesn't know what Christmas is. He has no concept of days or time. We can't get him to potty or toilet train because we can't communicate across to him what we need him to be doing. He baby babbles at 3 and a half with probably only about 50 to 100 learned words, but those learned words are very thick with impediment when he says them. To answer an earlier question, that's why I do all the childcare, all of it. OH works and I'm home with DS doing all the exercises and flash cards and trying to get him on the toilet. Especially during the lockdown and his day care nursery closed to all but key children, he was with me 100% of the time. So yeah, he doesn't actually know his name! Or what a fork is for example. He knows what its for and can use it but ask him what it is and nothing. Blank.

To answer other questions, the first name is a tit for tat situation. We didn't have a first name until he was literally being born. And all OH suggestions were ridiculous. Ridiculous! And he wouldnt take it seriously. Please understand me, his suggestions included - but were not limited to - Chives. Fletch. Loki. Thor! Murray (after Bill Murray.) Zlatan (after some old Man U player.) I was in tears by the time my due date came round because I didn't want to name my baby Fang or some other nonsense and it was like asking a 10 year old to name a child. His suggestions were what a child would pick if they were left to do it with free reign! "I christen this child PlayStation Pot Noodle!" I was wrung out by the birth without a single sensible suggestion from him in the entire 9 months and he did say by the end, well what do you like? Let's just go with that.
The tit for tat part comes in the form of us never actually having a conversation about his surname at the start, but OH telling everyone very early on - especially his dad who was very interested in what the surname will be, that DS will have his name. Before anything was discussed.

Do you have other issues with your partner, OP?

@aSofaNearYou not on the whole. We've clashed at times with parenting styles. He prefers to be strict and is a bit shouty with the kids and impatient, that has been issue. I've had to step in and ask him why he's yelling and make him realise the difference between the kids being annoying and the kids being naughty. He shouts at younger DS a lot for playing with his toy keyboard for example while he's trying to listen to the TV. It's annoying yes, and the keyboard is horrible to listen to but I have to explain he's just playing, he's not being naughty so why are you yelling? To be fair to OH, in those moments he does stop in his tracks and assess himself and think again. I'm more about praise led parenting, ignoring tantrums and bad behaviour unless he's hurting himself or someone else, or endangering himself or someone else. I prefer to give heaps of praise when they do the right things and behave nicely and then hopefully they'll learn that they get attention that way, when they're nice and respectful, good and kind. OH is at times stuff in grumpy impatient shouty dad mode. I don't blame him for it, his own dad is alcohol dependant who parented that way too. Yelling, yelling, yelling. Impatience, snapping, roaring and more yelling and shouting all day long. OH, to me, is not his dad. But there are streaks of learned behaviour in my OH that come out now with his own parenting.
Other than that, he's a good dad.

How come you'll be doing all the school stuff?

So that’s a yes, you chose the first name then?
In that case, yes, you are being a bit unreasonable. You can call his choices ridiculous all you like, but everyone has different tastes (some of the names regularly applauded on the boards here I find utterly ridiculous);you veteoed them, he agreed and let you choose 🤷‍♀️