On holiday with friend and her kids; it's not going well

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

For context, my DD (8)was diagnosed a few weeks ago with a (mild) neurological condition. As part of this she has good days and bad days - good days she’s a normal 8yo with a normal routine, bad days she get dizzy spells, nausea, headaches (usually triggered by noise or bright lights) and sleeps a lot. She’ll have a 1-2 hour nap and then 14-15 hours at night. I am essentially waiting to see if she gets over it on her own before considering treatment, on advice of her doctor.

We (me, DD and 4yo DS) are on week-long UK holiday with my friend and her kids who are the same age as mine, a couple of hours from where we live. My friend’s 8yo - lets call her Emma - is a sensitive child, always has been, my friend has discussed it with me before, but I never gave it too much thought, my own DD can certainly be sensitive. However we are now on day 4 of the holiday, and living in close quarters with them I’ve realised she’s VERY over sensitive and it’s affecting everyone’s enjoyment of the holiday, and more importantly my DD’s condition. Emma is NT.

A few examples
⁃ they were colouring the other day and Emma went slightly over the lines in her picture. She burst into tears, blamed her mum because her mum was talking to me, and cried for half an hour, chucking her paper in the bin
⁃ - they put a “play” on for us the other night and Emma jumbled up for words. She got really upset, sat on the floor sobbing with her arms folded and refused to finish the play, which annoyed DD the others as they wanted to show us.
⁃ She stubbed her toe on the sofa yesterday and had a totally OTT reaction. She grabbed her foot, rolled around on the floor and screamed the most high pitched scream I’ve ever heard, relentlessly, for 20 minutes. I had to take DD out the room as it brought on a headache. If you overheard you’d think she’d have been stabbed. Her toe was fine, no break and no bruise.
⁃ We went for a picnic yesterday and when we packed up we told the kids that they all had to carry something back and we gave Emma the (lightweight) picnic blanket to carry. After a couple of minutes of walking back to the lodge, and heard a shriek. We turned around and she was about 10m away sitting on the ground crying hysterically. She said it was because the blanket was too heavy then we all left her behind. My friend had to carry for uphill back to the lodge and she cried all the way.

It’s lots of little things all the time. As to not drip feed, my friend’s DH has said before (in front of my friend) he thinks Emma’s sensitivity is exacerbated by her mum babying her. I (secretly) agree - she carries her a lot because she “gets tired legs” - such as round the supermarket, or from a restaurant to the car, or out of someone’s house. She also apologises to her a lot where I don’t think it’s necessary - she apologised for “making” her go over the lines when colouring. She also lays with her every night til she falls asleep - singing a lullaby or scratching her back, for about 1-2 hours. Her 4yo goes to sleep alone! The last 3 nights I’ve looked forward to having a bottle of wine with my friend, but she doesn’t usually come down til 10pm from putting Emma to bed. She’s attempted making her fall asleep alone before but had little success.

Anyway DD has been quite good about Emma’s tantrums considering she hasn’t been well, and every day has been a “bad day” for her. But last night when DD started to feel sleepy around 6pm, and Emma wanted her to play a game. DD said no she just wanted to watch a bit of TV, and Emma has a strop and told her mum that DD was a “bad friend”. At that point DD burst into tears and said to me, in front of Emma, that this is a rubbish holiday and Emma is ruining it 😬 well, merry hell broke loose and I took DD to bed to try and diffuse the situation.

Me and my friend had a bottle of wine and a bit of a grumble last night about it all, she said she has a daily struggle with Emma being so sensitive and her DH goes out the house for hours at a time to sit in a car park because he can’t stand the noise.

When I woke DD up today she said that she feels sick all the time and wants to go home . TBH I feel the same way, I’m sick of the shrieking and whilst I feel sorry for my friend it’s making it an unenjoyable holiday.

I figure I have 4 options:
1. Go home - say DD just isn’t well enough (DS is very chilled out and likely wouldn’t mind this but I’m loathe to cut his holiday short)
2. Tell my friend how Emma’s behaviour is affecting DD and ask her to speak to her or step in before it escalates
3. Do more as a family of three separately from the other family and maybe just meet them for dinner
4. Say nothing, they’re kids and will get over it
WWYD?

Ah, you all sound like very nice people. I feel sorry for Emma and her mum. It sounds like there is something underlying and Emma has anxiety issues and is quite possibly not NT. Glad you managed to do it without animosity.

@whereorwhere

I'm not going off in a huff - I just can't be arsed to argue with a random person about something I have experienced and they have not. She is a loving mother but her parenting is an issue. And actually he is a wonderful father, they both do their bit and he spends lots of daddy and daughter time with his child, he just doesn't agree with some of how she parents but she continues to do it that way and therefore it's up to her to deal with the fall out.

That’s not how parenting works, you don’t wash your hands of your own kid because you don’t agree with the decisions of the other parent. That’s not a wonderful father.

Still, at least she’s got you!

OP and well done.

No. She is not sensitive. She just cannot manage her emotions. Do you think she is attention-seeking?

I'm glad you were able to sort things out with your friend.

I have only read the first page, but I seem to go against the norm. 4, with one day of 3 to break the routine. So have one family day for the three of you, and that should also settle your friend and her family. And then stay for the rest of the holiday.
We all have issues with our children, they all have to grow out of one thing or another. This girl clearly struggles and demands a lot of attention. I never think that this is mothers spoilling their children, I think the children are SN, possibly undiagnosed. And your poor friend has to do it all on her own, with a husband that stays for hours in the f....ing car! You want to give up after 3 days. Imagine the poor mother!

I dont think Emna is NT!
Not read the full thread so dont know if you're still on hols - I would go home, just say it's not working.
Hols and other peoples young kids often dont mix!

Great outcome, OP! I'm sure your friend is glad to have your support. I had to cut a weekend away short last year (with a friend and her similarly aged DC) due to my child's behaviour. She did not judge, she dropped us at the station and she has been really supportive with helping me find somewhere to assess the behavioural problems.

Hurray for good friends.

What does NT stand for?

Neurotypical.

NT = neurotypical

ND = neurodivergent

I don’t think Emma is NT either. I say that as a parent of a non NT child.

Also, are you not worried that Emma’s mum might be reading this? Especially as this is now trending.

@icecreamvan

I don’t think Emma is NT either. I say that as a parent of a non NT child.

Also, are you not worried that Emma’s mum might be reading this? Especially as this is now trending.

She's not on MN - where is it trending?!

My son is not NT. My friend also has a non NT child. It's awkward at times because our children have very different symptoms. I find her child can be violent towards my DS. I love my friend and feel for her but my son comes first.

Her husband sounds awful and she needs to recognise her child's potential special needs. But none of this is your fault. You did the right thing by leaving. Your friend took it well which is commendable and it sounds like your friendship will survive.

I'd go home and never spend time with them again. How annoying.

ILoveFood87 She is home!

Trending threads aren't visible when you use a phone, but this thread is in the 'trending' section on the website. It lists the top 5 threads with replies.

I don't think you've done the wrong thing at all by coming home, but I do hope your friend gets some genuine support with Emma. It's so hard to know that what you're doing isn't working but to not know why. Everyone thinks you're being precious, when actually you're just surviving.

It took thirty years for me to be diagnosed with hypermobility sydrome/possible Ehlers -Danlos. It is not unusual to take a long time to be diagnosed. Hypermobility syndrome disorders are often misdiagnosed, and ignored. there are even academic papers confirming that.

One place for good advice is the RCGP Ehlers Danlos toolkit. designed for GPs but a middle of the road level description of difficulties.

EDS comes with a shed load of co-morbidities: autism, asthma, allergies, stomach problems (acid reflux +others) , problems with continence, anxiety, possibly dyspraxia, mast cell disorders, difficulty regulating your temperature, issues with thin stretchy skin .... I can only remember some of them, I am sure there were more listed.

The neurodevelopment team locally have given training that shows the new triad of impairments that include sensory issues now, as social and communication difficulties.

many of the conditions overlap. If your connective tissue is fucked, then it is likely that you are going to have issues all over the body as that is what holds everything together. depending on which sort of connective tissue is effected, depends on which things are fucked.

Could you take off somewhere and have a day just the 3 of you and rejoin your friends in the evening? Sounds v stressful. I feel for you all. It does sound like your friend isnt helping her DD to become robust, but you never know if there might be more going on than you are aware of. Good luck

Just comparing it to my 8 year old. Bloody hell - I love my 8 year old!!

*EDS comes with a shed load of co-morbidities: autism, asthma, allergies, stomach problems (acid reflux +others) , problems with continence, anxiety, possibly dyspraxia, mast cell disorders, difficulty regulating your temperature, issues with thin stretchy skin .... I can only remember some of them, I am sure there were more listed.

The neurodevelopment team locally have given training that shows the new triad of impairments that include sensory issues now, as social and communication difficulties.

many of the conditions overlap. If your connective tissue is fucked, then it is likely that you are going to have issues all over the body as that is what holds everything together. depending on which sort of connective tissue is effected, depends on which things are fucked. *

Susan, wow! My 10 year old DD was diagnosed finally after a few years of her knee which kept getting jammed (and still is as she hasn't seen physio yet) I knew she was flexible but when the Dr twisted her joints in all sorts of funny ways, it looked really weird. What's more, she has asthma (since 2) and loads of allergies (food and environmental) and is very skinny. I had no idea these were related.

Oops, sorry. I didnt realise there were more debelopments. OP, sounds like you handled it perfectly. Your friend sounds lovely and i feel for her too.

Plus she (the eldest) has always been a bed wetter. She even still does it now and again now.

This reads like an episode of Spoilt Bastard from the Viz!

@GlummyMcGlummerson

For context, my DD (8)was diagnosed a few weeks ago with a (mild) neurological condition. As part of this she has good days and bad days - good days she’s a normal 8yo with a normal routine, bad days she get dizzy spells, nausea, headaches (usually triggered by noise or bright lights) and sleeps a lot. She’ll have a 1-2 hour nap and then 14-15 hours at night. I am essentially waiting to see if she gets over it on her own before considering treatment, on advice of her doctor.

We (me, DD and 4yo DS) are on week-long UK holiday with my friend and her kids who are the same age as mine, a couple of hours from where we live. My friend’s 8yo - lets call her Emma - is a sensitive child, always has been, my friend has discussed it with me before, but I never gave it too much thought, my own DD can certainly be sensitive. However we are now on day 4 of the holiday, and living in close quarters with them I’ve realised she’s VERY over sensitive and it’s affecting everyone’s enjoyment of the holiday, and more importantly my DD’s condition. Emma is NT.

A few examples
⁃ they were colouring the other day and Emma went slightly over the lines in her picture. She burst into tears, blamed her mum because her mum was talking to me, and cried for half an hour, chucking her paper in the bin
⁃ - they put a “play” on for us the other night and Emma jumbled up for words. She got really upset, sat on the floor sobbing with her arms folded and refused to finish the play, which annoyed DD the others as they wanted to show us.
⁃ She stubbed her toe on the sofa yesterday and had a totally OTT reaction. She grabbed her foot, rolled around on the floor and screamed the most high pitched scream I’ve ever heard, relentlessly, for 20 minutes. I had to take DD out the room as it brought on a headache. If you overheard you’d think she’d have been stabbed. Her toe was fine, no break and no bruise.
⁃ We went for a picnic yesterday and when we packed up we told the kids that they all had to carry something back and we gave Emma the (lightweight) picnic blanket to carry. After a couple of minutes of walking back to the lodge, and heard a shriek. We turned around and she was about 10m away sitting on the ground crying hysterically. She said it was because the blanket was too heavy then we all left her behind. My friend had to carry for uphill back to the lodge and she cried all the way.

It’s lots of little things all the time. As to not drip feed, my friend’s DH has said before (in front of my friend) he thinks Emma’s sensitivity is exacerbated by her mum babying her. I (secretly) agree - she carries her a lot because she “gets tired legs” - such as round the supermarket, or from a restaurant to the car, or out of someone’s house. She also apologises to her a lot where I don’t think it’s necessary - she apologised for “making” her go over the lines when colouring. She also lays with her every night til she falls asleep - singing a lullaby or scratching her back, for about 1-2 hours. Her 4yo goes to sleep alone! The last 3 nights I’ve looked forward to having a bottle of wine with my friend, but she doesn’t usually come down til 10pm from putting Emma to bed. She’s attempted making her fall asleep alone before but had little success.

Anyway DD has been quite good about Emma’s tantrums considering she hasn’t been well, and every day has been a “bad day” for her. But last night when DD started to feel sleepy around 6pm, and Emma wanted her to play a game. DD said no she just wanted to watch a bit of TV, and Emma has a strop and told her mum that DD was a “bad friend”. At that point DD burst into tears and said to me, in front of Emma, that this is a rubbish holiday and Emma is ruining it 😬 well, merry hell broke loose and I took DD to bed to try and diffuse the situation.

Me and my friend had a bottle of wine and a bit of a grumble last night about it all, she said she has a daily struggle with Emma being so sensitive and her DH goes out the house for hours at a time to sit in a car park because he can’t stand the noise.

When I woke DD up today she said that she feels sick all the time and wants to go home . TBH I feel the same way, I’m sick of the shrieking and whilst I feel sorry for my friend it’s making it an unenjoyable holiday.

I figure I have 4 options:
1. Go home - say DD just isn’t well enough (DS is very chilled out and likely wouldn’t mind this but I’m loathe to cut his holiday short)
2. Tell my friend how Emma’s behaviour is affecting DD and ask her to speak to her or step in before it escalates
3. Do more as a family of three separately from the other family and maybe just meet them for dinner
4. Say nothing, they’re kids and will get over it
WWYD?

I have read you on here and know you are a sensible person but for the life of me I can't understand why you agreed to go on holiday if you knew her child was like this ? Glummy ??