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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving in with partner and his kids

78 replies

Hardtotell · 21/08/2020 19:50

Hi!
I’m new to this. Just turned 50. No kids of my own - it didn’t happen and I was ok with that.
I’ve been seeing someone for a year. He has 11yo and 15yo girls. Long story short I’ve met the 11yo briefly (less than an hour) about 4 times. Never met the 15yo. She’s being playing up (staying at friends but really out all night, weed) stays in room and doesn’t speak. Refusing to meet me.
We planned to move in together and I was going to get to meet and spend time with girls but covid got in the way.
His house has just sold so we now have a few weeks to sort it. I’ve got a house we plan to share in the short term but I’m nervous of moving them in (shared custody) never having met the girl..

Been to their house for 1st time to try and engage in low key way. 11yo engages but gets everything she wants when she wants, won’t eat meal, stayed in room most of day. Demands stuff. 15yo got up for shower at 5pm went back to room. Didn’t want food. Never spoke. Dad speaks to her like she’s a baby.

Now I’m reeeeeeally scared. Is this normal? I’m not sure I am ok with a child who isn’t at the very least expected to say hello to a guest.
I can’t see how I’m going to be ok with the behaviour.
Moving in together seems crazy! I’m doubtful they will agree to come and it’s unlikely their mum will make them but what if they do! I’d love a relationship with them on any level but surely a level of politeness should be encouraged?
Suggestions please?

OP posts:
Wrenna · 21/08/2020 19:52

I wouldn’t do it! No way.

Pogmella · 21/08/2020 19:52

You obviously can’t move in with girls that don’t know you. Rent for longer and work on building up a relationship by meeting in neutral places (not the house). Will take at least 6 months.

Pebblexox · 21/08/2020 19:52

They're clearly struggling with your relationship with their dad. Personally I think moving in together at this stage could be detrimental to his relationship with his children.

Lockheart · 21/08/2020 19:52

You need to ask this in the relationships section OP. You've posted in AIBU, which is not the most constructive forum for serious advice.

Bringmewineandcake · 21/08/2020 19:53

Suggestions?

Do
Not
Move
In
With
Him

vanillandhoney · 21/08/2020 19:53

Why on earth are you considering moving in with two children that you have no relationship with?!

FrancoBranco · 21/08/2020 19:55

No! Don't move in together! This has nightmare written all over it.

You will be the outsider in your own house.

Take some time to get to know them from a distance at first and don't rush things. It sounds like he is a Disney Dad anyway so that'll start to grate after a while.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 21/08/2020 19:59

You would be a TOTAL FOOL to do this. NO, NO, NO!!! 'Sorry, there will be no moving in together until you've done a lot more work on your relationship with your kids and I've established a good one with them.' 'But we planned/promised/I don't have anywhere else to go!?' 'Yes, the plan was to establish a good relationship with them before moving in together. For good reason, that hasn't happened so this won't fly.'

Your boyfriend is being a real dick to do this to his kids. He's only thinking about what's best for himself and not them and is a Disney dad.

NFW! He found a convenient girlfriend.

Don't be his mug.

ChristmasFluff · 21/08/2020 20:14

Erm, you've got this HUGELY wrong, OP - you are not movng in with your partner and his kids, they are moving in with you.

Why are two (three) strangers moving in with you? Why is he fast-forwarding you?

Stop this now. do NOT let him move in with you. Seriously re-think your relationship with this man who has no care for the feelings of his daughter, let alone you.

You are not a person to him (no-one is, not even his own daughter). You are a house. He is a hobosexual.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/08/2020 20:16

He's not a good father to be planning on moving you in with his children when they barely know you! How irresponsible. I'm a single mother and I wouldn't dream of doing that to my son. Do not move in.

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 21/08/2020 20:17

Don’t do it.

CathyNorth · 21/08/2020 20:20

Don’t move in with him

TeddyIsaHe · 21/08/2020 20:24

Please do not move in with 2 children than don’t know you. You do not get to insert yourself into their life because you’re shagging their dad.

Kids come first, always. It’s not about what you and your boyfriend want, it’s what is best for the children. And being forced to live with their father’s girlfriend is not what is best for them.

Put some effort in, get to know them, and in 2/3/4 years down the line it may be a possibility. NOT NOW.

carly2803 · 21/08/2020 20:33

oh hell no

you need a good relationship with any children before you move in together

this is madness!

Travis1 · 21/08/2020 20:35

Nope. Unacceptable behaviour all round. Do not move in with them or you’ll be back on here in 3 months complaining about how they’re treating you and him pandering to them

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 21/08/2020 20:37

Do not move in with them.

In what other circumstances would it be ok to move in with people you haven't met? Ok maybe uni or something but it's not the same.

To save you the pain of the next few years, they will hate you and you will hate their dad for not dealing with their behaviour and talking to them like babies etc.

Do not do this OP!

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2020 20:40

I think you may have completely lost your fucking mind to even consider living with this man and his girls. It will be an unmitigated disaster. Absolute complete madness.

Beamur · 21/08/2020 20:40

This is a terrible idea, sorry.
You cannot live with these kids without getting to know them first. It's not fair on them or you.
It sounds like the older girl is already hugely struggling with the idea.

SimonJT · 21/08/2020 20:40

Okay, I’m ignoring their behaviour as that isn’t the actual issue thats important here.

So you’re planning to leave with children who don’t actually know you, you’re a stranger to them. For you to do that would be a bit nuts, for their dad to be okay with it is insane.

Now, I’m no saint on this issue, I have done it quicker than a lot of people have. My son met my boyfriend in September (he was 4) and he had been hearing about my boyfriend for a while, seen a few pictures etc. We went from meeting at the park to him eventually coming round for lunch etc, to building up to over nights.

The master plan was for him to move in with us around October/November this year when they had known each other a year, a couple of holidays together and slowly building up how many nights he stayed over so it wasn’t a sudden change. By February we were upto two nights a week, sometimes consecutive and sometimes not.

Then in March we got symptoms of covid while he was here so he has to isolate with us for 14 days (his housemate has CF, so too risky to go home). It then meant after 14 days he either stayed here or we didn’t see each other at all until households could mix.

The first 14 days were okay, so I decided if he wanted to he could stay another week and I was reviewing it on a weeklg basis based on how my son was coping etc, if he wasn’t coping well and his he wasn’t his usual self my boyfriend would have been told to leave. It has generally gone well, it hasn’t been easy, there have been some very small bumps in the road. All routine etc has been based around my son and his needs.

We moved in too early, but it has worked for us, but to move in after not meeting one child and seeing the other one four times is insane.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2020 20:42

Utter insanity.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/08/2020 20:43

No, of course you can’t move in with him. Dear god. No.

You also shouldn’t date him, he’s a terrible terrible father.

Tyersal · 21/08/2020 20:44

No no no. Don't do it, especially if you have been used to living on your own. Regardless of what's good for the kids/ what they want this won't be good for you. At that age refusing to say hello is quite frankly bloody rude and the fact their father allows it doesn't bode well at all. If that carries on in a couple of years she will be coming in at all hours waking you up, failing at school and costing you money. Why on earth would you want to put up with that?

LightDrizzle · 21/08/2020 20:47

Don’t do it!
You won’t know what’s hit you.
Keep dating, keep separate properties and stay over together at one or the other when the girls are at their mum’s. Go round for dinner sometimes when they are there and perhaps join outings. With time you might spend more and more time together when the girls are there.
I did this for 6 years with my now second husband, before we joined households. It worked well.
He sounds a bit of a shit dad. Do they not eat together in the evenings at least?

NorthernSpirit · 21/08/2020 20:47

Do not move in!

I’m in my 40’s. Been with my OH 6 years. Had dated for 10 months before I met the kids. We moved in together after I had known the kids 2 years.

It’s a nightmare and unfortunately for you there are 2 girls. They will likely make your life a misery (and I say this from experience). I have a 15 YO DSD. What with a high conflict EW, her moods and hormones, it’s miserable and I wouldn’t do it again.

The behaviour isn’t normal and needs sorting, and you need to form a relationship with them before you move in.

Would ask for this thread to be moved to the stepparents board to get more and experienced opinions.

Livelovebehappy · 21/08/2020 20:49

You’re already critical of his dds behaviour and his parenting, and you haven’t even moved in together yet. Things will be 100 times worse when you all move in together, because what you’re witnessing now is only a very small window into what life will be like when you live as a family.