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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving in with partner and his kids

78 replies

Hardtotell · 21/08/2020 19:50

Hi!
I’m new to this. Just turned 50. No kids of my own - it didn’t happen and I was ok with that.
I’ve been seeing someone for a year. He has 11yo and 15yo girls. Long story short I’ve met the 11yo briefly (less than an hour) about 4 times. Never met the 15yo. She’s being playing up (staying at friends but really out all night, weed) stays in room and doesn’t speak. Refusing to meet me.
We planned to move in together and I was going to get to meet and spend time with girls but covid got in the way.
His house has just sold so we now have a few weeks to sort it. I’ve got a house we plan to share in the short term but I’m nervous of moving them in (shared custody) never having met the girl..

Been to their house for 1st time to try and engage in low key way. 11yo engages but gets everything she wants when she wants, won’t eat meal, stayed in room most of day. Demands stuff. 15yo got up for shower at 5pm went back to room. Didn’t want food. Never spoke. Dad speaks to her like she’s a baby.

Now I’m reeeeeeally scared. Is this normal? I’m not sure I am ok with a child who isn’t at the very least expected to say hello to a guest.
I can’t see how I’m going to be ok with the behaviour.
Moving in together seems crazy! I’m doubtful they will agree to come and it’s unlikely their mum will make them but what if they do! I’d love a relationship with them on any level but surely a level of politeness should be encouraged?
Suggestions please?

OP posts:
Boom45 · 21/08/2020 21:58

If my dad had moved in a woman I'd never met when I was grumpy 15 year old it wouldve ruined my relationship with him. Totally. Even if she's as unpleasant as you seem to think she is the fact that he wants to do this tells you a lot about the man you are about to move in with and that should worry you enough to at least delay it.

candycane222 · 21/08/2020 22:14

The 15 year old might well be furious with her father for the very suggestion. Now he's selling (one of) her homes to move her into "the OW" house. Her mother may have expressed views to her dds about this, rightly or wrongly. but either way, as the 15-year-old I can imagine I would have been appalled. At that age she will vote with her feet, and it will doubtless be to the detriment of her relationship with her father, and wore still, may further derail her already messed-up life.

Honestly I'd run a mile from this toxic situation. If your partner is not preoccupied with his daughter's weed smoking and obvious unhappiness, he is, as many posters have already suggested, a terrible father.

candycane222 · 21/08/2020 22:15

Sorry to be so harsh, but the older daughter's pain sings out through this.

Barton10 · 21/08/2020 22:17

Please don’t do this my ex husband moved in with somebody he had known for two months and expected the kids to stay there on his access days. My daughter refused and he forced her to keep meeting this woman who had no kids of her own, and no understanding of how my 13 year old felt. It all ended very messily and my daughter no longer speaks to her dad. This man like my ex is looking for a roof over his head and putting his needs over the needs of his children, who have already had to go through their parents split. His daughter is playing up because she is hurting and needs to feel loved and wanted. Just slow down if it is meant to happen it will and delaying things to help the children will be far better in the long run.

userxx · 21/08/2020 22:19

Not a fucking chance. Do not let him and his kids move into your home.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 21/08/2020 22:21

You'll regret it every single day. Other peoples children are annoying when you've got your own, I would imagine even more so when you haven't.

lunar1 · 21/08/2020 22:28

You hardly know them and what little you do know you don't like. It would be madness to move in together, and cruel to the daughters who don't get a choice.

billy1966 · 21/08/2020 22:29

@Aquamarine1029

I think you may have completely lost your fucking mind to even consider living with this man and his girls. It will be an unmitigated disaster. Absolute complete madness.
He's an appalling father to consider this...unless he's short of cash and or he's looking for a house skivvy.

OP, if you are looking for an absolute cluster fxxk of a situation go ahead with this madness.

You will live to regret your naivety sooooooo quickly.👍

Smallsteps88 · 21/08/2020 22:30

Two threads.

OP disappears....

Draw your own conclusions.

Ireolu · 21/08/2020 22:36

Please read your opening post out loud. You should not move them in. You won't feel comfortable in your home and neither will they. It is unfair to them and it is a recipe for disaster. Don't do it

LovingLola · 21/08/2020 22:37

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KitchenConfidential · 21/08/2020 22:38

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Waveysnail · 21/08/2020 22:41

He has sold his house!!!!

Why on earth bot rent it out? Why didnt you move into his and rent your out? You have both put all eggs in one basket

PerditaProvokesEnmity · 22/08/2020 04:35

His house has just sold so we now have a few weeks to sort it. I’ve got a house we plan to share

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ... Hmm

Been to their house for 1st time to try and engage in low key way. 11yo engages but gets everything she wants when she wants, won’t eat meal, stayed in room most of day. Demands stuff. 15yo got up for shower at 5pm went back to room. Didn’t want food. Never spoke. Dad speaks to her like she’s a baby.

Shame this part is not so hilarious. Hmm

Whatever.

I'm taking the Smallsteps88 approach.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 22/08/2020 04:55

Those poor girls. Really feel for them that their Dad would force a stranger on them and that you're even considering for a moment this is ok for anyone. Absolute disaster waiting to happen.

lyralalala · 22/08/2020 05:11

OP. Think about this.

Your partner has made no effort in a YEAR to introduce you to his childrens lives.

He's now preparing to move his children in with a stranger. How little does he care about them to even contemplate that?!

He speaks to a surly 15 year old like a baby.

He's a shit father to be considering this. He's a shit partner expecting you to move two strangers into your home.

Do not do this.

AgentJohnson · 22/08/2020 05:14

You do not have to be parent to realise this ‘plan’ is batshit. If they are hostile to you now, can you imagine the atmosphere if you move in.

The lack of emotional intelligence on display by the supposed adults in this story, is staggering!

PerditaProvokesEnmity · 22/08/2020 05:24

Just imagine a man who, within a year of knowing a woman sells the house his children live in and tells them they now have to live in the woman's house.

Why would he do that?

Debt?

Possession order?

In need of female skivvy to do his parenting for him?

How enormously convenient that he's found a woman eager to give him half of her house.

And wonderful that she doesn't like what she's seen of his children. She'll keep them in order ...

I feel tempted to laugh some more.

Just hope those daughters are imaginary girls.

user1471538283 · 22/08/2020 06:47

This is madness and I'm suspicious. He has sold his house and his plan is to move in with you, a stranger really to his children? He needs to find somewhere else sharpish. It will be a nightmare for you and the children and what's his plan? How will the rent and bills be split? Whi is ferrying the children around? What happens if it doesn't work out?

ClaraJude · 22/08/2020 06:50

I agree that moving in is crazy. The girls don’t even know you - they can’t reasonably be expected to live with you.

I think you need to find alternative accommodation and hold off on the moving in plans until you’ve actually met and got to know the girls. It will be well worth it in the long run because the alternative sounds like a disaster.

Charleyhorses · 22/08/2020 07:03

You need to tell him today that the moving in thing is off.
He is actually mental.

ShitStain · 22/08/2020 07:04

No way.

Why on earth would you move in with teens who hardly know you and never met you. Your life is going to go from quiet and breezy to full of angst, rants, drama, slamming doors, screaming and add in eau de weed.

SaintofBats · 22/08/2020 07:09

Frankly, I’m with the 15 year old on this one.

Two adults should know better than to even be contemplating this.

Sargass0 · 22/08/2020 07:35

I’m not sure I am ok with a child who isn’t at the very least expected to say hello to a guest.

And that's exactly what you would be. A guest and you should remain that way as your attitude is very wrong and all about you.

Cut the girls some bloody slack and don't inflict yourself on them. No understanding at all from you about the girls' behaviour.

KatherineJaneway · 22/08/2020 07:40

This has disaster written all over it. Don't do it.

His eldest won't even meet you so how on earth is it a good idea to all move in together?

Dad speaks to her like she’s a baby.

I’m not sure I am ok with a child who isn’t at the very least expected to say hello to a guest.

There's going to another area of conflict right there.