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Original poster

Moving in with partner and his kids

78 replies

Hardtotell · 21/08/2020 19:50

Hi!
I’m new to this. Just turned 50. No kids of my own - it didn’t happen and I was ok with that.
I’ve been seeing someone for a year. He has 11yo and 15yo girls. Long story short I’ve met the 11yo briefly (less than an hour) about 4 times. Never met the 15yo. She’s being playing up (staying at friends but really out all night, weed) stays in room and doesn’t speak. Refusing to meet me.
We planned to move in together and I was going to get to meet and spend time with girls but covid got in the way.
His house has just sold so we now have a few weeks to sort it. I’ve got a house we plan to share in the short term but I’m nervous of moving them in (shared custody) never having met the girl..

Been to their house for 1st time to try and engage in low key way. 11yo engages but gets everything she wants when she wants, won’t eat meal, stayed in room most of day. Demands stuff. 15yo got up for shower at 5pm went back to room. Didn’t want food. Never spoke. Dad speaks to her like she’s a baby.

Now I’m reeeeeeally scared. Is this normal? I’m not sure I am ok with a child who isn’t at the very least expected to say hello to a guest.
I can’t see how I’m going to be ok with the behaviour.
Moving in together seems crazy! I’m doubtful they will agree to come and it’s unlikely their mum will make them but what if they do! I’d love a relationship with them on any level but surely a level of politeness should be encouraged?
Suggestions please?

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 21/08/2020 20:49

Why do you even like a man who gives so little of a shit about his daughters that he’s decide to move in with you when they hadn’t even met you?
What an arsehole.

WildfirePonie · 21/08/2020 20:50

No, do not let them move into your house. You'll regret it and never get rid of them.

Mintjulia · 21/08/2020 20:51

Don't do it. It won't work but by then it will be nearly impossible to reverse out of the situation.

To say nothing of how the children might feel. Bad idea all round.

Giespeace · 21/08/2020 20:53

The timetable you’re working to is going to torpedo your relationship with this man as well as his relationship with his kids.
Forgive me for saying it bluntly, but you are at as bad an age as the DC are for this to be happening. 50, child free, and suddenly taking on two stroppy teenage girls, one of whom just flat out doesn’t want to know you? Fuck that for a carry on.
If this is your “rest of our lives” man then you’d be better off dating, living separately, take your time building a relationship with his girls, and move in when they are adults.
The stress just isn’t worth it.

seriousandloyal · 21/08/2020 20:53

Please don't move in with him. Maintain separate households and carry on dating if you really like him.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/08/2020 20:57

Echoing the others, put the move on hold for at least another year until either he sorts out his attitude to his kids (no more babying) and you and the girls actually have some sort of relationship.

This will be an utter disaster if you go ahead now.

isthismylifenow · 21/08/2020 20:57

What does 'he's sold his house so we don't have long to sort it' mean?

Why did he sell his house and where did he plan to go when he put it up for sale?

WonderWebbs · 21/08/2020 21:00

Seriously don't move in it has disaster written all over it.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2020 21:07

His house has just sold so we now have a few weeks to sort it.

Wait. What? What is this "we" business? He sold his house. Where he lives is his problem. I am very suspicious that he has deliberately backed you into a corner so he can move himself right on in to your home. How convenient for him.

Also, and I truly don't mean this in an unkind way, but you have never been a parent, and possibly due to that you don't realise what a shit father this man is. His lack of concern as for what's best for his daughters is shocking.

Cocomarine · 21/08/2020 21:07

Why are your comments all about the politeness of the girls and not the shoddy manners of their father?

What part of you thinks his behaviour is in any way acceptable parenting?

With my children, I started by letting them know I was dating, in general. Which they found giggly. Then I told them I was giving one a longer trial. They were intrigued. Then they met him, all very low key without any pressure of knowing they were going to have to live with him. Then we gradually spent more time together - he stayed over, we holidayed together. After about 3 years it was then asking me wasn’t he going to move in? Then we had a chat about how they’d feel about that - which was all, “yeah, whatever” Smile

You should never have agreed to him moving in when you hadn’t even met his daughters. That was poor. But him?!!!! Confused

SkyeIsPink · 21/08/2020 21:08

I agree with everyone else. I think this would be a disaster and i really dont understand why you would think this is ok. You barely know his kids, you would basically be living with strangers who don't seem to want to know you.

PerditaProvokesEnmity · 21/08/2020 21:18

Two threads?

Hmm
katy1213 · 21/08/2020 21:26

You must be mad. Your life will be a misery in your own home. And it's so unfair on his daughters.
What could you possibly gain from this? he'd have to be bloody good in bed - and even then it wouldn't be worth it.
He gets cheap living and a live-in housekeeper. I can see what's in it for him.
Don't do it. At least wait until his daughters are properly grown up.
What is wrong with women that they give up their peace and security for any penis that comes along? Let him take you out to dinner on Saturday nights - then wave him off home!

katy1213 · 21/08/2020 21:31

You need to get your act together and tell him now that he needs to start looking for rented accommodation because if you let this lot over your threshold, it's going to be a whole lot harder to get rid of them.

MeridianB · 21/08/2020 21:34

Sing a step parent is hard enough when you know them but a nightmare if you don’t. And many parents struggle with their children when they hit their teens so it will be a nightmare without any foundation, let alone unconditional love!

Add to this his inability to set boundaries and instil good behaviour and you will be begging them all to leave in less than a week.

Keep dating if you want to but not under the same roof.

Iwonder08 · 21/08/2020 21:37

Crazy...dont do it

FilthyforFirth · 21/08/2020 21:38

This is so outrageous I cannot believe it is real. The 15 year old is struggling to the point that a year in she hasnt met you. You think the solution to this is to simply live with her?

Poor children with a father like that.

CodenameVillanelle · 21/08/2020 21:40

You can't have a teenager you've never met move in with you! Are you mad?

monkeymonkey2010 · 21/08/2020 21:42

I’d love a relationship with them on any level but surely a level of politeness should be encouraged?
Of course it should.....but this guy is not only a lazy parent, he also enables this attitude and behaviour in his kids.

You've only been together a year - i think it's way too soon to be thinking about moving in.......especially as you haven't even met the kids properly or formed any kind of relationship with them.

I'd be very suspicious of a guy 'encouraging' me to move in with him under the above circumstances.
I can predict the script - you'd end up being the skivvy for all of them, would end up feeling like an unwanted guest in what was meant to be your own home - and he won't care.
He doesn't even care right now doe she?

Sh05 · 21/08/2020 21:43

You make it sound like he won't be too bothered if they choose not to come round to yours if he moves in with you which is all sorts of wrong as when will he see his children?
How long has he been separated from their mother? Have they accepted that their mum and dad are not getting back together? Do they blame you?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/08/2020 21:49

For anyone who thinks this is far fetched, my brother met a woman on OLD who lived 3 hours away. Spent a weekend with her, applied for a job near there, moved in with her and then met her teenage children, who lived with her full time. The kids were away the weekend he first met her.

LightDrizzle · 21/08/2020 21:50

Your home is your sanctuary. It sounds like his DD1 is going through a very challenging phase, his DD2 has it all to come at 11.
If you get gradually more involved now, imagine the bliss of turning the key in your own door after a nightmare weekend at his, and returning to peace and everything as you left it.
Your workload will increase, your house or flat will be full of other people’s stuff everywhere. It will be easy for you to end up picking up after them and doing laundry unless you are very vigilant or your DP is very diligent.
You sound very sane,

Angelina82 · 21/08/2020 21:51

Oh God fuck that for a game of soldiers. I can’t believe your partner thinks this is ok. He sounds like a shit boyfriend and a shit father to be honest.

BranchAndPoppy · 21/08/2020 21:52

Of course you can't move in with them without ever having met one of them! That is completely bonkers. What the actual fuck is wrong with your boyfriend? Sorry, he is a terrible father and a cunt. Get rid ffs. Enjoy your lovely life without him or his probably slightly distressed kids.

Btw...would you moving in make his life a lot easier financially by any chance?

mathanxiety · 21/08/2020 21:56

What everyone else said, with bells on.

Especially "hobosexual".

Did he go for shared custody to get out of paying child support?

I ask because he doesn't seem to have done much parenting of his girls up to now, and also because they are miserably unhappy.

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