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Original poster

Do I suck it up or ask them to leave?

87 replies

Housedilemmas · 21/08/2020 18:44

This might be long so bear with me please.

Very casually told a family member months ago they could come and stay if they needed to if they were desperate if their job went south (live in arrangement where there was a lot of tension between them and their boss).

My husband gets a phone call today from family member asking if they can come over. They have come over many times before for a night and I thought this was the same, thought maybe they want a takeaway on a Friday night and a moan, so I say yes. She arrives with a suitcase and says she's quit. I ask her how long will she stay for and she says a month! I have a 6 month old and I'm 10 weeks pregnant! We had to tell her I was pregnant as I was throwing up which has really upset me as I wanted to wait longer, and she spent the whole day with my baby and I felt like I was constantly intruding trying to get my baby back, she told me she will start looking for a job immediately so I looked online too, found a hotel 5 minutes away that offers live in. I said why don't you call them or even better pop over and ask them what's available and she said she would there and then, now it's the evening and she hasn't bothered. I feel like crying, this already doesn't feel like my home anymore, she smokes and she's constantly slamming doors and waking baby up. She's currently downstairs making us both dinner and I just feel like I'm a guest in my own home! Best part is is that my husband works away half the week and I don't have anything in common with this woman so he probably won't see it half as bad as me. I don't know what to do, she has no money to her name, genuinely nothing and she has no family to go to except for us. Do I just need to suck it up even though we did tell her ages ago if she had to she could stay? I just feel like I've been lied to as she stormed out herself, she could have made an exit plan or started saving money or something! How do I cope for the next month?

OP posts:
Smellbellina · 21/08/2020 18:46

Well, you did offer!

Smellbellina · 21/08/2020 18:47

The road to hell is paved with good intentions..?

skippythebushkangarootoo · 21/08/2020 18:48

Six month old and ten weeks pregnant? Eep 🙈misses point

Apolloanddaphne · 21/08/2020 18:49

Oh gosh that his a hard one. Is she smoking in your house? That would be a deal breaker for me. Even if she smokes outside she will still smell terrible. Tell her she can only stay she stops smoking as the smell is making you more sick and it is not good for your baby. It might get her to look for a live in job quicker.

Original poster
Housedilemmas · 21/08/2020 18:50

I know we offered and I feel like an idiot for doing it but that was before I got pregnant again and I guess I expected her to have some savings or something that would get her a deposit somewhere, I wasn't expecting her to turn up with pocket change and no idea what to do next! I thought we would house her until she got a move in date for a place or something but she intends to work while staying at ours for a few weeks and then applying for a place which will take more time! Don't think she realises how long it will actually be which is why I'm panicking now...

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 21/08/2020 18:50

You offered and she's taken you up.on it. She's looked after your baby and now is making you dinner. I'm not sure why you feel you have been lied to. She's in a difficult position and it's just the first day! Give her some slack, but it certainly would be reasonable to discuss with her a time limit. Next time don't be so generous unless you are willing to see it through.

TheNewLook · 21/08/2020 18:52

You offered! She’s been there one day, has entertained your baby and is now making dinner. She should have given you warning and discussed it first, that true. But I think if you make these offers, you have to stick to them. I wouldn’t like it personally but it doesn’t sound like she’s being too terrible.

Original poster
Housedilemmas · 21/08/2020 18:52

I know about the pregnancy, it was very much unplanned and it was a threatened ectopic that somehow managed to pull through so we are considering ourselves very lucky - but at the same time we are terrified! Grin

She is smoking in the kitchen with her hand out the door but that to me is still indoors, I told her she needs to wash her hands every time too but pretty sure she's been ignoring that rule as her hands absolutely stink when she comes back in.

OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 21/08/2020 18:53

Ok. Deep breath.

Its unreasonable of her to turn up and expect to stay for a month. Its unreasonable for her to slam doors. Its unreasonable of her to smoke and then straight away play with your baby (if that's what she's doing)

Its unreasonable of you to invite her to stay and then decide after one night you don't want her to stay when she hasn't done anything wrong. Its unreasonable for you to resent having to tell her about your pregnancy- it's not her fault you were throwing up and told her why. Its unreasonable to complain that she is spending time playing with your baby, given you've told her you're pregnant and it's making you sick, she probably thinks she is doing you a favour. And its unreasonable to complain she is cooking you dinner and you feel like a guest- she is trying to help and not take advantage.

Just say to her youd appreciate if she could make it 2 weeks rather than 4, given you're not well you feel like you need your own space. And she has woken the baby, would she mind closing doors a bit more quietly. And if youd rather cook then say so, say you enjoy it or something

Intelinside57 · 21/08/2020 18:54

Oh for goodness sake! Make yourself a list of house rules if you need to. Then sit her down and tell her - there will be no smoking in or near the house. You keep slamming doors and waking the baby up, you need to stop. I know I offered you a place to stay for a short period of time a while back but I think you were pretty unreasonable just turning up unannounced. Now you're here that's fine, you can stay for x weeks then need to move on, because as you can see, a lot has changed since we originally spoke about this. Now, let's work out what your contribution needs to be...

Apolloanddaphne · 21/08/2020 18:54

No way would anyone be staying with me who was smoking in the kitchen. Just no way. Especially not with a baby and pregnant woman in the house.

mamaof2girls · 21/08/2020 18:55

Do you not think she's maybe trying to help you! It's not been 24 hours you have a 6 month old and 10 weeks pregnant as you have said you had to tell her within the first few hours as you are constantly sick and your husband works away half the week ( you might not need the help) but people don't always see that and just assume you do but maybe also her way off helping since she can't contribute financially right now! But you haven't even giving her 24 hours! Doesn't all family play with the kids when they come over weather staying there or only over for a couple hours

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 21/08/2020 18:55

Just seen your update, tell her you can smell he smoke in the kitchen and it sets off your nausea and say she has to smoke at the end of the garden or something

Chocolate4me · 21/08/2020 18:56

I'd enjoy the help and company tbh, but mean for you to take away the offer that you made... I can understand its not easy but I'd carry on for the next month. Sounds like she is trying to help by occupying the baby and cooking you a meal! You might actually ask her back when the second one comes along!

RunningFromInsanity · 21/08/2020 18:57

You offered, she’s entertained the baby and she’s cooking you dinner!

Just talk to her about the smoking, it’s your house and baby so you get to decide.
And ask/badger her everyday about the job hunting. She’ll get the hint.

If anything, you are the unreasonable one I’m afraid.

Lipz · 21/08/2020 19:00

I don't see the issue here Confused you told her she could stay, she took you up on your offer, she's now cooking for yous after minding your baby. But what confuses me even more is it is 7pm on a Friday night and she's arrived a few hours ago and you are feeling like your home isn't your own, she's constantly banging doors waking your baby and you are crying because she hasn't got a job since arriving.

year5teacher · 21/08/2020 19:01

In what world does “you can come and stay if your job goes south” translate to “you can come and announce you’re staying for at least a month out of the blue with no real warning”?!

To me those are two very different offers!

jelly79 · 21/08/2020 19:02

She is completely unreasonable but you offered and didn't set boundaries

You and you husband need to have a proper chat with her and work out how to help her but with some time frame and urgency to get sorted. In the meantime smoking is an easy one to fix. Just tell her not in the house and she can't come near you or the baby if she has been smoking

Original poster
Housedilemmas · 21/08/2020 19:03

I guess I am being unreasonable. I guess the thing that gets me the most is that if had she told my husband on the phone that she had quit and she was staying for weeks I would have said I'm really sorry but the situation has changed and explained myself. I guess I just can't fathom why she didn't prepare herself in some way when she was getting paid a decent wage and yet she has absolutely nothing to her name. As for the baby issue I am only having bouts of sickness and I told her I was feeling okay and she still wouldn't give my baby back, but I can see it as she is trying to help. I can also see that in the dinner sense too, and in one breath I understand it's help but it's just that she didn't ask me if she could, she's just gone through the cupboards cooking whatever she fancied. I think it's down to pregnancy hormones and I probably am being very unreasonable but I suppose I just didn't expect this to be for weeks. She has no money to contribute as she has no job now and she spent her last week's pay.

OP posts:
eatsleepread · 21/08/2020 19:03

You did offer, and are sounding very precious. Sorry.

SmellsLikeFeet · 21/08/2020 19:05

Set a time limit and stick to it

Original poster
Housedilemmas · 21/08/2020 19:07

@year5teacher this is what I have the problem with. I was anticipating her to come and say look it's gone bad but I have this interview lined up tomorrow, or I have spoken to such and such and I start next week. Instead it's just oh I don't know when anything is happening, I have no money and to me she doesn't seem all that bothered to get a move on. It doesn't help either that the room she's in is the room that baby is meant to be in, obviously she can't go in there now. We did reiterate to her when we offered that it was only if she was desperate and had literally no other options and now she's quit her job (not been fired) and is staying here.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 21/08/2020 19:08

She would not be smoking in my house or garden. I'd be very clear - you are very welcome here but I'm afraid with a baby and pregnancy, there just cannot be any smoking in the house or garden.

Then effusive thanks for her cooking for you. Take your baby and leave her to it.

She don't stay long. I promise, so long as you really are clear about this. Not in house or garden. Sorted.

Bourbonbiccy · 21/08/2020 19:08

The smoking is absolutely a no. Get to the back of the garden and change your clothes before smothering my child in your stench.

Other than that, you offered, she's playing with your child and making you tea...I think you are overreacting.

Keep "encouraging" her to get a job, after a week or 2. Tell her she needs a job, no ifs or buts, she needs to be proactive and trying her damn hardest,

Terrace58 · 21/08/2020 19:13

She should not be smoking while living with you. That is inexcusably rude.