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Original poster

Do I suck it up or ask them to leave?

87 replies

Housedilemmas · 21/08/2020 18:44

This might be long so bear with me please.

Very casually told a family member months ago they could come and stay if they needed to if they were desperate if their job went south (live in arrangement where there was a lot of tension between them and their boss).

My husband gets a phone call today from family member asking if they can come over. They have come over many times before for a night and I thought this was the same, thought maybe they want a takeaway on a Friday night and a moan, so I say yes. She arrives with a suitcase and says she's quit. I ask her how long will she stay for and she says a month! I have a 6 month old and I'm 10 weeks pregnant! We had to tell her I was pregnant as I was throwing up which has really upset me as I wanted to wait longer, and she spent the whole day with my baby and I felt like I was constantly intruding trying to get my baby back, she told me she will start looking for a job immediately so I looked online too, found a hotel 5 minutes away that offers live in. I said why don't you call them or even better pop over and ask them what's available and she said she would there and then, now it's the evening and she hasn't bothered. I feel like crying, this already doesn't feel like my home anymore, she smokes and she's constantly slamming doors and waking baby up. She's currently downstairs making us both dinner and I just feel like I'm a guest in my own home! Best part is is that my husband works away half the week and I don't have anything in common with this woman so he probably won't see it half as bad as me. I don't know what to do, she has no money to her name, genuinely nothing and she has no family to go to except for us. Do I just need to suck it up even though we did tell her ages ago if she had to she could stay? I just feel like I've been lied to as she stormed out herself, she could have made an exit plan or started saving money or something! How do I cope for the next month?

OP posts:
Original poster
Housedilemmas · 21/08/2020 19:16

Ok, lesson learned, I am being very unreasonable. I will encourage her to get a job and suck it up. Thank you mumsnet for putting me in my place and giving me a good talking to! Smile

OP posts:
Snailsetssail · 21/08/2020 19:18

House rules- smoking is to be done at least 20ft away from the house. Then clothes must be changed and hands washed before she touches your baby.

Onestepup · 21/08/2020 19:22

'You can stay here for a week, but after that you'll need to make other arrangements. There must be no smoking or slamming doors. Obviously you'll be out at the job centre during the day too."

1Morewineplease · 21/08/2020 19:24

You did offer and she’s taken you up on it.
As to smoking... absolutely not!!! Maybe she could go to the end of the garden. But standing in your kitchen doorway is not acceptable. Be firm on this ( and I like a crafty puff but it’s well away from the house.)
Your house, your rules.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/08/2020 19:31

The helping herself to the cooking stuff is a bit out of order too IMO. It's nice to cook for the family but surely you ask, given it's not even your food or anything, what they'd like, or if it's ok if you make xyz? You don't just rummage unless you have reason to believe, as in they've already said, the householder won't mind.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 21/08/2020 19:34

@year5teacher

In what world does “you can come and stay if your job goes south” translate to “you can come and announce you’re staying for at least a month out of the blue with no real warning”?!

To me those are two very different offers!

Completely agree with this! You're not being unreasonable to object to her turning up to stay with no warning or money, whatever invitation you may have proferred in the past! As someone else said, you need to sit her down and discuss the situation and give her a time frame and a sense of urgency, and of course, she can't smoke at all in the house, nor go near the baby when she's been smoking. Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope the rest of it goes smoothly now.
LittleOwl153 · 21/08/2020 19:36

I'd be telling her she needs to be putting in a claim for JSA so she has some money coming in to contibute. She won't get anything initially as she made herself jobless but it starts the process and they will ensure she job hunts. Not sure if HB covers a lodger?

Shizzlestix · 21/08/2020 19:37

She’s making dinner? Surely that’s nice?

Re smoking, nope, fuck off to the street, no smoking in the house/garden, obviously. No way should you tolerate that shit.

As possible said, time limit, you need her gone, having someone witness me throw up in the early stages of pregnancy is not on.

UnaCorda · 21/08/2020 19:39

Seems a bit unfair when you offered.

Also, you're complaining that she's playing with your baby and cooking you a meal. Those would seem like positives to most people, but you're being swayed by the fact you don't really want her there.

I agree she shouldn't be smoking.

craggymaggie · 21/08/2020 19:40

As pp have said, you need to emphatic about no smoking in or near the house. It's not tolerated in workplaces and shouldn't be tolerated by non-smoking home owners.

However, you did offer her a place to stay and she's taken you up on it. It's not as if she's rocked up out of the blue and announced her intention of staying a month.

Give her the weekend to relax, then insist she starts jobhunting for live-in jobs first thing Monday morning.

ClementineWoolysocks · 21/08/2020 19:40

Never offer anything you're not really willing to give, it makes you a bit of a dick tbh.

Nomorepies · 21/08/2020 19:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

ButtonMoonLoon · 21/08/2020 19:42

Well if she hasn’t a job or any money then she can’t afford to smoke.
But I would be saying she absolutely can’t smoke at all whilst staying with you, aside from how horrible it is, there are risks to a young baby
www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/smoking/

I’d say she can stay the weekend but needs to be presenting to your LA housing department on Monday morning. She won’t be in a great position for support given that she resigned, though....

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 21/08/2020 19:43

'Look, I'm happy to see you, but a month is too long. I made the offer before I got pregnant again and things have changed. We can host a week at the most. You need to make other arrangements.' Also, no smoking in this home. At all. Ever.' You don't need a bloody 'chat' or 'conversations' or a 'sit down and hash out parameters'. This is your home not a UN peace negotiation. It's not rude to be clear and concise. C'mon, even back when I used to smoke everyone knew you don't ever start smoking in someone's house unless they offer for you to do so (because they're smokers, too, who smoke indoors).

Didkdt · 21/08/2020 19:44

Sleep on it you'll possibly have a clearer head tomorrow.
Was she sleeping with her boss by chance? And is it your SIL? Grin

chillied · 21/08/2020 19:46

cooking wise also be straightforwardly assertive about what the weeks meal plan is, otherwise with random cookery she could use the ingredients you need. You can make a joint plan so you both know who is cooking what which day next week. Then you can turn that into a helping hand but working to your plans

HeddaGarbled · 21/08/2020 19:48

Do I suck it up or ask them to leave?

Neither. You make them welcome, put a time limit on their stay and forbid smoking in the house.

Original poster
Housedilemmas · 21/08/2020 19:49

I know that we offered and I'm not proposing that she leaves tonight but I was thinking more of a week, maybe 2 at max. Also was hoping for some notice before she turned up. She's just started talking about going on some mountain walks tomorrow but am going to encourage her to get on at this hotel as they do seem really promising. Smoking will be addressed tomorrow and the next day my husband has off we will talk to her about future plans. I guess I have a different perception of the dinner thing as I wouldn't just go into someone's kitchen and start taking things out the fridge and freezer without asking but maybe I'm just a little uptight. Thanks for all the inputs Smile

OP posts:
HannaYeah · 21/08/2020 19:49

This is going to be tough but you really have to figure what you are willing to do for her, then set the rules and be clear and firm.

Immediately, you need to tell her she cannot smoke inside. In fact, designate an area outside and tell her: this is where we allow people to smoke in our property. Tell her she had to wash her hands immediately after smoking each time.

Next you need to tell her you are surprised she’s quit her job with no prospects. That your willing to host her for x days or weeks but that this offer only stands while she’s applying for jobs. Tell her things changed for you when you became pregnant unexpectedly. Tell her you didn’t realize when she asked to come over that she meant to stay.

This is important because you cannot leave her any wiggle room. I’m pretty sure she’s going to try and take advantage and act like she’s helping you because she cooks and cares for your child. Don’t let her get away with anything. (This all happened to me, actually which is why I see the signs.)

Stick to all of your rules. This is unlikely to end nicely but if you are clear and direct you’ll not feel as badly about it.

Immigrantsong · 21/08/2020 19:51

OP I get how you feel BUT you did offer.

She is making an effort with the cooking and the childminding.

I would discuss some house rules and be very clear, so you don't have her smoking the house with a window open for example.

Accept the help she offers (it's rare tbh) and try to remember that you are doing something good.

If things happen that you don't like, talk about them there and then. Be specific and if need be explain how pregnancy means you have to be careful for x,y,z and your house is always open if she can oblige by the house rules.

You are doing a good deed. Stay strong and all the best.

MsTSwift · 21/08/2020 19:53

This is my idea of a nightmare tbh.

Even though op said that to be kind she didn’t mean this relative could turn up with a suitcase and an open ended plan to bloody move in with no job!

Playingchesswithpigeons · 21/08/2020 19:54

Hi OP, you are not in the wrong & offered ages ago, when your circumstances were different. She hasn't very kindly made you a meal, as others have said, she's helped herself to what she fancied from your food & cooked you some too. Smoking with her hand out the door only, gives you the clearest indication she thinks you're a mug! Show her you are not a mug and tell her ( with husband present for support ) she has a week. As a small family, you can't afford to keep her & it's important you continue with 6 month old moving in their own room as planned. Not many people can read other mind's.. Wink. You have to actually tell them. Your priority is you, your pregnancy and your baby. Your house, your family, you get to choose who stays. x

Original poster
Housedilemmas · 21/08/2020 19:54

And yes it is SIL. I don't have a great relationship with her as she doesn't have children but is always on at me on how to parent mine, I am learning to be a lot sterner though but I just don't want her staying her to make me lose it and for me to get angry at her. I think it's just different attitudes, I know if I had nothing to my name I'd be on every benefit site going and looking at jobs in the area like a madman. Hopefully this mindset will kick in for her within the next week or so though.

OP posts:
ShalomToYouJackie · 21/08/2020 19:58

Please don't let her smoke in the house with a 6 month old around and when you're pregnant

Original poster
Housedilemmas · 21/08/2020 20:00

@playingchesswithpigeons thank you so much for this, this is exactly how I feel! I don't as much feel like she's helping me as it is she's just moved in and is treating it like her house and she's bought the food that was in the cupboards. Definitely need a discussion with her as money is tight with us too so have to plan out every meal currently. I think this boils down to me needing a backbone, I will have a clear cut discussion with her tomorrow.

OP posts: