Do I suck it up or ask them to leave?

[Housedilemmas]

This might be long so bear with me please.

Very casually told a family member months ago they could come and stay if they needed to if they were desperate if their job went south (live in arrangement where there was a lot of tension between them and their boss).

My husband gets a phone call today from family member asking if they can come over. They have come over many times before for a night and I thought this was the same, thought maybe they want a takeaway on a Friday night and a moan, so I say yes. She arrives with a suitcase and says she's quit. I ask her how long will she stay for and she says a month! I have a 6 month old and I'm 10 weeks pregnant! We had to tell her I was pregnant as I was throwing up which has really upset me as I wanted to wait longer, and she spent the whole day with my baby and I felt like I was constantly intruding trying to get my baby back, she told me she will start looking for a job immediately so I looked online too, found a hotel 5 minutes away that offers live in. I said why don't you call them or even better pop over and ask them what's available and she said she would there and then, now it's the evening and she hasn't bothered. I feel like crying, this already doesn't feel like my home anymore, she smokes and she's constantly slamming doors and waking baby up. She's currently downstairs making us both dinner and I just feel like I'm a guest in my own home! Best part is is that my husband works away half the week and I don't have anything in common with this woman so he probably won't see it half as bad as me. I don't know what to do, she has no money to her name, genuinely nothing and she has no family to go to except for us. Do I just need to suck it up even though we did tell her ages ago if she had to she could stay? I just feel like I've been lied to as she stormed out herself, she could have made an exit plan or started saving money or something! How do I cope for the next month?

She didn’t ask if she could cook? That’s different and bloody rude. No, she doesn’t get to go mountain walking tomorrow, she gets to look for a job! You shouldn’t be supporting her.

OP just read it's your SIL.

Get your DP to pull his finger out of his arsehole and do the talking.

He needs to man the fuck up.

She needs to smoke outside. Right outside.

Don't be soft about it. You need to be assertive.

You did offer - what were you thinking if it was going to cause you this much stress and misery?!

for those saying the OP offered this woman to stay, for a month, smoke inside and pay nothing- NO SHE DID NOT!

OP - boundaries. No smoking inside, or anywhere near you or your child, wash her hands regularly and she has 1 week, 2 absolute max and then she needs to find alternative accomodation

i honeslty could not have my space invaded like that!

Your husband, who is not pregnant, needs to sit down and have a full and frank discussion with her.

@ClaraJude I thought she might give us a weeks notice, she would arrive with a few hundred in savings and perhaps already looked into jobs/waiting on responses. I also thought she might have had some idea of what she wants to do or where she wants to go. She knew she hated the job she was in and she knew it would be a matter of time before she stormed out yet she has no money. I thought she might be here for a couple of weeks maximum. I guess I believed that this was only a bridge to where she needed to go. I proposed it as somewhere to stay if she is desperate meaning she will be homeless, however the more I think about it she has done that herself. She explained to me just now in detail what she called her boss, absolutely vile language. I guess I thought that we were here in the instance she was kicked out and was literally homeless, not voluntarily. I also understand that while we did offer it was months ago and if she would have briefed us on what was happening before she blew up at her boss we would have told her to stay put and explained the new situation. I know it's our fault and we should have said the offer no longer stands but I think it's incredibly unfair of her to just turn up when we thought she'd only be here for a night.

HRTFT but, it's your house so your rules. You're pregnant, absolutely no smoking indoors, maybe, just maybe at the bottom of the garden.

I feel your pain Housedilemmas , some people take liberties .
Fish and houseguests ...they both stink after three days .

You said she could stay with you if she was desperate.

If she had a few hundred in savings, she'd not be desperate, would she?

You wanted the kudos of offering, without actually being taken up on the offer, and your drip-feeding changes nothing.

She's tried to be a helpful guest by cooking without being asked. I bet you'd have moaned about her sitting on her arse if she hadn't though eh?

So yeah, kick her out. At least that will demonstrate your true colours to other friends and relatives how might otherwise think you would afford them safe harbour.

@Housedilemmas
I wonder if you made the offer breezily, never for a minute thinking she'd take you up on it?

I think you are probably a bit ''terratorial'' , don't like your space 'invaded' and don't like your baby being dandled by someone else...Or enjoy them guddling through your cupboards.

That is all fair enough...But you probably said she could come and stay in the heat of the moment... and now reality had set in.

I am very fond of ''own space'', and was put out when a friend rang me..I answered and he said ''I'm outside!''....I was like ''why didn't you give me notice?! 😂

But it was because he had caught me 'on the hop'.

You will have to be assertive here... {Won't be easy if you are anything like me} otherwise she may stay for ages.
You need an ''end point'' at which she moves out.

If you know she will be gone by a certain date, it might make you feel easier...But re smoking..
I used to smoke, and tried leaning out of windows..but it blows back in.
I forbid smoking in the house now..and had very anti smoking friends, so if I wanted a smoke- I had to walk up the road.
Meant I smoked less, too.
You need a contribution for bills {food &c and hot water}. Good luck :)

@MsTSwift

This is my idea of a nightmare tbh.

Even though op said that to be kind she didn’t mean this relative could turn up with a suitcase and an open ended plan to bloody move in with no job!

My nightmare , too. A woman I know just moved to a multi bedroom house..I said ''you could have lodgers'?'...She was like this 😐 .

No. 😂

@ChristmasFluff I appreciate the different viewpoint but in all honesty I am not going to kick her out without her having somewhere to go. As for the dinner, I didn't ask her to cook nor did she ask me, she simply went through the cupboards and made what she wanted. I think that's rude personally, if she would have asked do you fancy this or can I pop this on I would have said of course, or can you use something else as it will mess up my meal plan.

Also, I simply don't understand why she doesn't have savings, forgive me if that's me being ignorant. Her accommodation is paid for and she's paid weekly yet she has nothing, when she knew she was going to storm out and a backup plan might be good?

I'm not prepared to harbour someone who is going to freeload on me and use me for months on end, bloody family or not. We are suffering ourselves and I would never dream of kicking her out after a week because she isn't finding a job but at the same time I do need a time frame. I understand that we have offered and we will 100% honour that but at the same time I am not having her here for her to make me tea and that be it, she needs to find a job. She doesn't need to be a helpful guest, she is no trouble in that sense, I just don't want her trying to move in because she does the odd thing around the house. Sorry if that's me being an awful host and selfish but she is already disrespecting my rules and if I was desperate I'm sure I would be doing everything to follow what the host has asked. I respect her and like her but I just want to know she's going to make an effort and not treat this house like a holiday home. Sorry for the rant.

I don't understand all the "Well you did offer," its not what OP offered and her relative knows this, turning up with no plan. I cant imagine thinking someone was coming for a day or two and being told it was actually a month or maybe more.
She didn't offer that.
Don't apologise to this relative OP. You've put her up in an emergency but ground rules are needed now she's announced she's here for quite a while.
Smoking anywhere in the house for whatever reason is absolutely not on, hand out the window is just taking the p. If she doesn't like it tough. And do tell her things have changed. And if you ask her to give you back the baby, she has to. no arguments.
However, she does seem to be in a fix and is showing willing re cooking dinner etc. so you need to cut her a little bit of slack. However, You are probably feeling overwhelmed due to sudden pregnancy and morning sickness and it all feels like a bit much so she also needs to cut you some slack too and needs to listen to your requests. If you can both get to that place, you might find it works out OK and the time will quickly pass. An extra pair of hands with the baby might not go amiss and you will have done a kind thing.

She arrives with a suitcase and says she's quit

So who's expected to feed and pay her share of utility bills etc?
You?

She's massively taking the piss - deliberately.
She's done it cos she must have a feeling that you and DH are doormats.....or she's using reverse psychology on you, counting on making you feel guilty so you won't get assertive with her - and it's working.

Tell her that this 'arrangement' doesn't work for you - and insist she calls the hotel right now.
The longer you leave it the more she will guilt trip you.

As for the dinner, I didn't ask her to cook nor did she ask me, she simply went through the cupboards and made what she wanted
Yup....making herself at home and knowingly trampling all over your boundaries.....

I would never dream of kicking her out after a week because she isn't finding a job
...and that's why she picked you to freeload off.

Very casually told a family member months ago they could come and stay if they needed to if they were desperate if their job went south (live in arrangement where there was a lot of tension between them and their boss).

Don’t minimise. You offered and now you are pissed she took you up on it. Of course she should have given you notice but assumed she thought the offer you made was genuine (which it clearly wasn’t). Next time don’t offer if you don’t mean it.

As your SIL I would let her stay until she finds a suitable job however, I agree the smoking indoors has to stop and also agree that her inability to save anything is very irritating. At least she isn't sitting on her backside expecting to be waited on hand and foot. I would appreciate someone entertaining the baby and cooking if feeling unwell myself tbh.

Tell her to STOP smoking anywhere near the house, right now (or first thing in the morning).

Perhaps if you and DH don't smoke, you don't know the rules relating to babies. She cannot touch or be near the baby within an hour of smoking. She need to wash her hands every time and preferably, change her clothes.

It's not about you. You don't have to make excuses about nausea.It's about your baby's safety.

As for the rest, you did offer. Yes, some notice would have been nice. Yes, her going through your cupboards and cooking what she wants is all about asserting her dominance in your home. (Somehow, as a blood relative of your DH, she thinks she has higher status in his home than you, his mere wife. Weird as fuck but that's what she's communicating).

@Housedilemmas

I know about the pregnancy, it was very much unplanned and it was a threatened ectopic that somehow managed to pull through so we are considering ourselves very lucky - but at the same time we are terrified!

She is smoking in the kitchen with her hand out the door but that to me is still indoors, I told her she needs to wash her hands every time too but pretty sure she's been ignoring that rule as her hands absolutely stink when she comes back in.

If anybody smoked in or near our house their arse would be out of the door and down the road let alone their arm.

She’s looking after baby and making yoh dinner.. if you want her out she can come and live with me!

First of all you have to tell her she can't just help herself to things from your kitchen. You don't have the money and those things are planned for.

Can't she go to stay with her parents?

Apart from the smoking, I think she is trying to be helpful and plans to pull her weight around the house.

I understand what you mean, OP. I don't think it's unreasonable to be shocked and worried that she's shown up without warning. Yes, you offered to help, but you meant it to be an emergency measure, not her just deciding she was sick of her job and wanted to quit without considering that it would inconvenience everyone in your family.

I think it's perfectly fair for you (or rather, your husband, since it's his family) to implement rules. No more of this smoking with her hand out the door nonsense. She shouldn't cook things she hasn't bought unless she's asked. (Terrible manners!) And yes, she needs to find another place to stay ASAP. I wouldn't hesitate to restate that this was meant to be an emergency stop-gap measure-- and a month is too long for comfort, especially when you have a baby and another on the way!

Well it's too late now, you offered and maybe she should have given you some notice but she is there now. If she doesn't have any other option regarding a place to stay then you will have to bear it until she has found another job and place to live. If you didn't expect her to take your offer seriously then you shouldn't have said it. However, I would expect this to become uncomfortable and very hard to live with unless you sit down and set the ground rules straight. Say you were not expecting her to stay a month and go over the smoking, intruding on the baby, personal space etc. How you expect her to be proactive in job search as a month is the maximum time she has. The sooner you do it, the easier it will be and set expectations down on both sides.