Do I suck it up or ask them to leave?

[Housedilemmas]

This might be long so bear with me please.

Very casually told a family member months ago they could come and stay if they needed to if they were desperate if their job went south (live in arrangement where there was a lot of tension between them and their boss).

My husband gets a phone call today from family member asking if they can come over. They have come over many times before for a night and I thought this was the same, thought maybe they want a takeaway on a Friday night and a moan, so I say yes. She arrives with a suitcase and says she's quit. I ask her how long will she stay for and she says a month! I have a 6 month old and I'm 10 weeks pregnant! We had to tell her I was pregnant as I was throwing up which has really upset me as I wanted to wait longer, and she spent the whole day with my baby and I felt like I was constantly intruding trying to get my baby back, she told me she will start looking for a job immediately so I looked online too, found a hotel 5 minutes away that offers live in. I said why don't you call them or even better pop over and ask them what's available and she said she would there and then, now it's the evening and she hasn't bothered. I feel like crying, this already doesn't feel like my home anymore, she smokes and she's constantly slamming doors and waking baby up. She's currently downstairs making us both dinner and I just feel like I'm a guest in my own home! Best part is is that my husband works away half the week and I don't have anything in common with this woman so he probably won't see it half as bad as me. I don't know what to do, she has no money to her name, genuinely nothing and she has no family to go to except for us. Do I just need to suck it up even though we did tell her ages ago if she had to she could stay? I just feel like I've been lied to as she stormed out herself, she could have made an exit plan or started saving money or something! How do I cope for the next month?

If anyone’s been lied to it’s her. You said she’d be welcome to stay, but it’s only been a few hours and you’ve had enough of her already! She probably thinks as you’ve been throwing up that she is being helpful by looking after the baby and cooking you dinner. If she sat around doing nothing I’m sure you’d have something to say about that wouldn’t you? The smoking in the kitchen needs to be addressed though, so just tell her that yours is a non smoking house so she will have to go outside. If she is to stay at yours for up to a month you need to firmly set the rules now.

She won't give you your baby back, she smokes, get some backbone woman. Tell her you offered before pregnancy and you can see this isn't going to work for you now. She needs to find somewhere else to go and stop letting her decide if you get your own baby back.

You offered, if the offer was not sincere then you should not have made it.
But you need solid house rules, no smoking in the house, no going near the baby if she smells of smoke, no slamming of doors, leave the baby alone, and whatever else you need. Give her a maximum limit she can stay for.
And don't make offers you don't mean in future.

Massively taking the piss🙄

Arriving penniless at your door without any call....absolutely deliberate.

Smoking around your house and stinking of it and being near your baby...absolutely not on.

Thinking she can arrive for an open ended stay, and take her time finding a job....not on.

Preventing you from setting the baby up ìn the spare bedroom...inconvenient.

OP, don't pussyfoot around. No smoking.
No walking...get the job application sorted.

State clearly that circumstances have changed so she will need to expedite her plans.

Rummaging through your kitchen without asking is extremely rude. End of.

You need to spell things out to your husband first and then her.

When you don't have any money put aside, you don't quit a job.

I think if you are not crystal clear with her, things will sour very quickly and not end well.

Very harsh lesson for you OP.

I had one of those 30+ years ago.... I NEVER forgot it.🤣

show her this re smoking indoors:

www.nhsinform.scot/campaigns/take-it-right-outside

www.tameside.gov.uk/adultservices/7stepsout

You need to be at least 7 steps outside away from the door and open windows before some of the effects of second hand smoke are reduced. And that doesn't begin to address the remaining smell and pollution on the smoker themselves.

As to the staying with no end or future plan: you seem to have worked out what you are willing to offer due to the major change in your circumstances. Firm up what you can manage during those weeks and what you and your DH expect from her in terms of house rules, division of labour and monetary contributions (NOT your problem that she has failed to budget for this.. you are being really kind in providing a short term refuge, that is enough)
Once you and DH have agreed, tell her and stick to it. It's your home, your life and your baby. She doesn't get to decide and adjust rules or spend your budget and use your resources as she pleases. She's the guest, not the permanent resident or the parent.

I think you've actually got a really good excuse with the pregnancy/baby.
Becuase of the baby, you're on a tight budget and meal plan so she can't go helping herself to whatever's in the kitchen. You also can't afford for a 3rd adult eating and using electricity/water for more than 2 weeks.
Because of the baby she absolutely cannot smoke.
Because of the baby you're under stress so need to just be a little family of 3.
In the upcoming conversation don't focus on you just bring everything back to the baby to diffuse tensions especially if she sees herself as the cool or doting auntie.

I can’t fathom anyone would really be ok with this with a baby and whilst also pregnant. I wouldn’t be ok with it and I have no kids 😂 I’ve offered to have friends to stay before in times of crisis but it’s been preagreed, if someone just came and said they were staying for a MONTH with no warning... what?!
Even if you said however long ago that you would be there for her if she needs it, I seriously think it’s mad for her to assume that means she can quit her job and move in with you for at least a month.

Like I said before, huge difference between “you could stay if you needed to” and “you can just randomly arrive without making it clear you intend to stay for weeks and expect us to be ok with it”.

The smoking alone is an instant dealbreaker, whether she goes outside or not. And @billy1966’s list has the rest. She is totally taking advantage and needs to go.

@Housedilemmas

I know about the pregnancy, it was very much unplanned and it was a threatened ectopic that somehow managed to pull through so we are considering ourselves very lucky - but at the same time we are terrified!

She is smoking in the kitchen with her hand out the door but that to me is still indoors, I told her she needs to wash her hands every time too but pretty sure she's been ignoring that rule as her hands absolutely stink when she comes back in.

I have a 13mth age gap. Very hard at the beginning but totally worth it now (almost 4 & 5 😁)

Give her a month, then move her on. Don't let her become a lodger!

I don't think YABU as she turned up without telling you she is moving in for at least a month. When she called she could have told you the full situation so you would have been prepared. I honestly don't know what to suggest though sorry. I would leave it to your husband

Dont offer next time if you dont mean it

I wouldn't allow a smoker to live in my house especially whole pregnant and having a young baby. But you did offer. For starters she needs to smoke outside, the balls of someone smoking inside someones elses house is ridiculous.

If you're not comfortable her being there while you're pregnant then just tell her things have changed and now you're pregnant you sont feel comfortable with house guests.