Can't cope with people's horrible comments

[feelingsodown32]

I don't know where to start really. I have really bad social anxiety to the point where I get extremely nervous before meeting other people (everyone from new people to acquaintances to close friends). Particularly with new people, I worry terribly that I'll make myself look foolish, or that I'll inadvertently say the "wrong" thing and people won't like me and will talk about me behind my back.

I really enjoy my job for the most part, but I occasionally receive some really nasty criticism about my work on social media or via email, and it completely crushes me. I just don't understand why people have to be so aggressive and rude. Doesn't it occur to them that there's a real life person on the receiving end before they hit send? Or maybe they just don't care?!

I get very down when faced with social situations or people's comments. DH has been understanding over the years, but even he's at the end of his tether and says he can't help me anymore because he thinks I need to see a professional and he doesn't feel qualified to help.

I'm currently having CBT over the phone and I do feel more positive after the chats, but it's usually short lived.

I feel like I'm always on high alert, worrying what is around the corner. It's almost like there's a constant stream of anxiety running in the background that I can't switch off. This is interspersed with really "down" episodes that happen often. I try to focus on the positives but just get overwhelmed with the sheer despair.

I'm 32 so not young - I thought I'd get stronger as I got older but it's never really happened. I have a baby son and am terrified that my anxiety will transfer on to him. I want him to be happy and confident and not end up like me.

I'm at my wit's end and don't know how to cope anymore.

Seek professional help

Sounds a bit like catastrophising. CBT is good for helping with this sort of thing, so do carry on.

what work do you do, how does it affect those people who review you?

I work in a creative industry and my work doesn't affect anyone - it's just people discussing or @-ing me online. DH says I need to get a thicker skin and it only happens occasionally (as far as I know) but it just breaks me.

You're young, I didn't start to be so defensive about this type of thing until I was early 30s. Sertraline has helped a lot with anxiety and it really helps you not care what other people think of you.

Those that dish it out can't take it back. Prepare some oneliner comebacks. Caveat: I go for the jugular if someone has a go just
for the sake of being nasty,, so mine prob won't be to your taste! Also, you are catastrophising. CBT solution is write the worry down then challenge it by imagining what a kind friend would say to you to allay your fear. You can train yourself out of doing it. I have. What kind of criticism is it ? I'm thinking of comebacks,can't help myself!

Did this start after an incident/trauma, or have you always been so anxious? Depending how often you are having the CBT, maybe seek help privatly also.

I've always been very anxious but I'd say it's probably got worse as I've gotten older. I thought it would go the other way.

Money's tight and I can't afford private therapy unfortunately.

@RedPanda2 That sounds fantastic, but I can't imagine how a pill can stop you caring what other people think?

First thing would be to come off social media of you can. Is that possible?

Yes I could come off social media.

Do you continue to practice the CBT techniques in between sessions?

Focusing on positive thinking, not catastrophising or dwelling on what other people might think takes practice & work.

It's not an easy place to get to, not worrying about what other people think, but once you're there it's liberating, and then you realise people usually have better things to do than gossip about others behind their back except for on mumsnet - having a break from social media can help too.

No, I haven't been working on the CBT between sessions much - just because I struggle to find the time in between looking after my son and everything else. I know I need to do that.

There's a CBT-based book called "Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness" that you might find helpful for the social anxiety part:
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01E4B6ZA4/?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

It encourages you to think about the origins of why you feel so anxious, but also to gently challenge your anxious thoughts.

For example, before a social event, you might take some time to write out:

• what are the things you are worried about?
• how anxious do they make you feel?
• how much do you believe they are true?
• what evidence do you have for / against that belief?
• what would you do if the worst thing happened?

Then, after the event, you can go back over those things again:

• Did what you worried about actually happen?
• Was the event as bad as you thought?
• How anxious did you feel? And what did you do to manage your anxiety?

Over time, this can help you to feel less anxious, as you can both develop ways to manage anxious feelings, and to place less weight on anxious and negative thoughts about yourself and your social abilities.

I hate the fact that all these responses just seem to validate the shitty behaviour of others

As PPs say, unless social media is part of your job, don't look at it.

CBT sounds as if it will eventually help you to curtail the catastrophising and rumination. Until then, is there anything you know that reliably shifts your mood or distracts you for the pattern of rumination?

Somebody sent me this Chris Hemsworth piece yesterday and I have plans to play this on a regular basis.

twitter.com/hemsbest/status/1295757561883492354?s=12

That would be a real help - time to focus on yourself and your self esteem. It will help overall with your quality of life.
Worrying about what others think really is a self-defeating way to spend your time and energy - I can virtually guarantee that no-one is talking or thinking about you behind your back.
I always try to have a positive mental attitude of putting myself in other's shoes - do I criticise and laugh at people behind their back? Do I dislike people like me (assuming you are a fairly normal, nice person?!) So why would I think other people would be doing that?

And then the failsafe fall-back - if they are that type of person, then it's no loss to not be their friend. And if they're strangers on the internet, then they may as well not exist :-)

Good luck OP working on your self esteem - my DH struggles with social anxiety and it can be so hard for him, and for me, as I literally don't recognise the person he is scared of being (i.e awkward and silent in groups, the butt of jokes, talked about in his absence) -he asks if all my friends think he's a bit weird when that couldn't be further from the truth.

What @CSIblonde said. If you are unable to stop the spiralling thoughts I’d try your GP or possibly even a career change.

Are the comments on social media in response to posts on your business account, @feelingsodown32? Many small businesses I know, especially in the creative industries, get a lot of this shit on social media. Nasty comments about how expensive something is, or how 'unecessary'. If you need social media for your business, can you afford to get someone to run yours for you so you don't have to engage with it?

I would recommend private therapy if you can. Save up. It is worth it. But not necessarily CBT (I found it useless) - try a behavioural therapist if you can.

I had to delve into where my anxiety stemmed from (abusive mother). Things I worked out it that my very shouty/violent (shortened version) mother made me a total people please and always trying to be perfect to ward of the shouty/violent outbursts. The violence was against my sister - but I (golden child) did everything to try and stop DM blowing up. Understanding where it came from has allowed me to then control how I react. So far less people pleasing/perfection seeking. Not perfect at not giving a fuck about other people's opinion - but WAYYY better.

If it will be a while til you can afford something maybe have a think about:
*Who/Why are you trying to be perfect for? Abusive ex/parent/childhood abandonment?
*Who do you know who is perfect?

*Who do you know who is not perfect - I guess you like/love them anyway? So ergo - people who matter love you even if you make mistakes. So love yourself too.
*Whose voice is berating you in your head (yours? your mother's? bully from school? parents arguing with each other?)

*Why are you listening to this voice and not a kinder voice. Make your own voice kind and louder than the berating voice.
*If someone/a colleague makes a mistake do you instantly cruelly criticise them or reassure them that one mistake does not mean they are a terrible person and should curl up in a small miserable ball?

*Who would you rather holiday with/live with - a kind person who would be reassuring/shrug off a mistake? Or a person full of vitriol who attacks someone on social media?
*Do the people who make the horrible comments know you? Or just bods on social media making vile comments to make themselves feel better?

• Do not give the person making the cruel comments have such power over you - their comments say far, far more about them (horrible) than you/your work.

Anyway, I am not a therapist or expert - but just your post resonated. I did find some self-help books also helped - so maybe some trawling on amazon would help? Maybe search on here suggestions for books to help with anxiety - maybe combined with something linked to the causes of your anxiety (abuse/abandonment/previous relationship)

Sorry, my first answer was a response to just one aspect of the issue.

Gaining resilience and self-esteem is a long, hard road. I would definitely see about looking into further ways to manage anxiety and depression.

For me, the approach has to be holistic (proper sleep, diet, regular exercise, medication) or everything starts to fall apart.

Good luck

@feelingsodown32

No, I haven't been working on the CBT between sessions much - just because I struggle to find the time in between looking after my son and everything else. I know I need to do that.

I think that really is something that would make a lot of difference.

I'm in a business where we get reviews all the time - I stopped looking at them and it's like a weight has been lifted. DH looks at them every now and again to make sure there's nothing ridiculous or libellous but other than that I just ignore.

@feelingsodown32 a pill can help because it balances out the levels in the brain. Honestly I had anxiety until I was 34 and didn’t see how medication would help. I’ve now been on anti anxiety medication for a year and it’s made an unbelievable difference. I no longer have social anxiety

I also had a year of counselling before I started on the medication which also helped. Look up the counselling Foundation

A good friend of mine is a professional musician and has come off social media for similar reasons. He just doesn't bother and says he feels so much better for it.