Can't cope with people's horrible comments

[feelingsodown32]

I don't know where to start really. I have really bad social anxiety to the point where I get extremely nervous before meeting other people (everyone from new people to acquaintances to close friends). Particularly with new people, I worry terribly that I'll make myself look foolish, or that I'll inadvertently say the "wrong" thing and people won't like me and will talk about me behind my back.

I really enjoy my job for the most part, but I occasionally receive some really nasty criticism about my work on social media or via email, and it completely crushes me. I just don't understand why people have to be so aggressive and rude. Doesn't it occur to them that there's a real life person on the receiving end before they hit send? Or maybe they just don't care?!

I get very down when faced with social situations or people's comments. DH has been understanding over the years, but even he's at the end of his tether and says he can't help me anymore because he thinks I need to see a professional and he doesn't feel qualified to help.

I'm currently having CBT over the phone and I do feel more positive after the chats, but it's usually short lived.

I feel like I'm always on high alert, worrying what is around the corner. It's almost like there's a constant stream of anxiety running in the background that I can't switch off. This is interspersed with really "down" episodes that happen often. I try to focus on the positives but just get overwhelmed with the sheer despair.

I'm 32 so not young - I thought I'd get stronger as I got older but it's never really happened. I have a baby son and am terrified that my anxiety will transfer on to him. I want him to be happy and confident and not end up like me.

I'm at my wit's end and don't know how to cope anymore.

I'm guessing you work in journalism? If so don't read the comments and spent less time on Twitter. Deactivate notifications and mute. Also remember these people are just keyboard warriors and are nasty because their lives suck, so they have nothing better to do.

@TableFlowerss having anxiety, like having depression, has absolutely nothing to do with how hard or easy your life has been. It's to do with the levels of certain chemicals in your brain, which is why medication makes such a difference.

Sorry I meant stop, not start in my original comment. A pill won't make you not care what people think but it has made me chill out enough not to be so anxious and catastrophise things so much. I realised anxiety was stopping me living! CBT is also fantastic from what I hear.

@smallestleaf this is so good. My mother was and still is anxious to the point it ruins her life and I partly blame her for my awful mental health. Such a good way to bond with your son aswell

Finding time and space to do your CBT homework will really increase its impact. I’ve found medication very helpful too. It’s not that it stops you caring what people think, it’s that it stops that moment of “oh no someone said something mean” becoming a horrible spiral that can ruin your day or week. Seconding what a PP said about talking to yourself as you would to your son. You can do this OP!

OP I totally get what you are saying. I have been there. It was a long time ago but I had CBT and it was fantastic. You do have to put the work in though and it is a process.

I had a very good counsellor who zoned in on three things. Emotional boundaries, core beliefs and tolerance of negative emotions. You could read up about these.

I had almost non-existent emotional boundaries! If someone shot an arrow at me, it went straight to my heart. As a consequence of having no emotional boundaries I put far too much weight on other people's opinions of me and so held an unconscious core belief that around all people I had to act in a way at all times that would reduce or eliminate the chance of people thinking badly of me or being horrible to me. I people-pleased and subconsciously tried to control people's reactions to me all the time. This was both exhausting and impossible!! You can't please all of the people all of the time and there's always eventually going to be some arsehole you encounter out of the blue and fail to control for. I was giving myself an impossible task every day of my life. No wonder I was emotionally drained!

Counselling helped me learn that I can't control and am not responsible for others' nasty behaviour or uncharitable thoughts. Like rainy days or dog turds on the pavement they exist and I will encounter them occasionally no matter how vigilant. So might as well relax a bit. Good emotional boundaries are sort of about knowing that nasty behavour from people is entirely about them not you. Let's say you are a waiter and you accidentally drop a plate of food on a customer's lap. Nightmare, you made a mistake but look - one customer chooses to laugh it off and say no problem. Another customer chooses to be an arsehole about it. That's all about them and you can't change that.

Third it's OK to feel unpleasant emotions! I had to do work on increasing my tolerance of normal negative emotions. Read up on this too as it's interesting. You can learn to sort of acknowledge them and watch them pass by like clouds rather than feel like "everything is ruined!" because you're feeling them. Yes nasty people make your adrenaline go crazy and you feel like crying but this is a perfectly normal reaction. Things will be better in half an hour. This isn't to say put up with crap from people but just to help you not let the actual emotions you feel ruin your day.

@RedPanda2

Thank you! I don't have parents or siblings or a partner to say ' good job, well done' So it means a lot to get that positive feedback! Thank you so much!