Can't cope with people's horrible comments

[feelingsodown32]

I don't know where to start really. I have really bad social anxiety to the point where I get extremely nervous before meeting other people (everyone from new people to acquaintances to close friends). Particularly with new people, I worry terribly that I'll make myself look foolish, or that I'll inadvertently say the "wrong" thing and people won't like me and will talk about me behind my back.

I really enjoy my job for the most part, but I occasionally receive some really nasty criticism about my work on social media or via email, and it completely crushes me. I just don't understand why people have to be so aggressive and rude. Doesn't it occur to them that there's a real life person on the receiving end before they hit send? Or maybe they just don't care?!

I get very down when faced with social situations or people's comments. DH has been understanding over the years, but even he's at the end of his tether and says he can't help me anymore because he thinks I need to see a professional and he doesn't feel qualified to help.

I'm currently having CBT over the phone and I do feel more positive after the chats, but it's usually short lived.

I feel like I'm always on high alert, worrying what is around the corner. It's almost like there's a constant stream of anxiety running in the background that I can't switch off. This is interspersed with really "down" episodes that happen often. I try to focus on the positives but just get overwhelmed with the sheer despair.

I'm 32 so not young - I thought I'd get stronger as I got older but it's never really happened. I have a baby son and am terrified that my anxiety will transfer on to him. I want him to be happy and confident and not end up like me.

I'm at my wit's end and don't know how to cope anymore.

But as a longer term strategy then definitely carry on with CBT and you really do have to do the practice otherwise you won’t learn how to do it

Thank you all. I look at my little boy and think what a rubbish mum I am, setting him such a bad example. I know I need to be strong for him now but I’m honestly such a pathetic person. I have no inner strength or resilience and every little thing seems to really get to me and drive my anxiety levels through the roof.

@oakleaffy respectfully, you have no idea what you're talking about.

No pill really works to stop you being sensitive- { I'm not a doctor /nurse though!}
Anti anxiety meds can work for a short term fear- like flying- but not about worrying what people think.

OP's issue isn't that she's sensitive, or that she worries too much about what people think, it's that she can't stop spiralling when she receives negative feedback. Normal response would be to dwell on it for an hour or so, then take it on board and move on. OP says it breaks her. That's not a "sensitive" response, and medication will help with that.

CBT can be useful, if you have a good therapist, but only if you do the work, which OP has admitted she doesn't.

@feelingsodown32

Thank you all. I look at my little boy and think what a rubbish mum I am, setting him such a bad example. I know I need to be strong for him now but I’m honestly such a pathetic person. I have no inner strength or resilience and every little thing seems to really get to me and drive my anxiety levels through the roof.

Go to your GP, tell them this, tell them the CBT isn't touching the sides, and get a prescription. In 6 weeks you'll feel so much better.

Has it got worse since your son was born? Could hormones also be a factor?

I think medication can help with recovery as it helps to stabilise moods. I was definitely hyper sensitive pre menstrually so took a very low dose and it helped enormously. If your life feels debilitating and its affecting your marriage then its worth trying it, inconjunction with CBT.

You can buy CBT work books where you go through sessions when you are anxious.

OP here is a review for you:
You are awesome
You are the best mummy your little boy could have
Your dp is lucky to have you

Also try to treat yourself like you would your DS. Create a loving, caring inner voice that soothes you when you are feeling bad. Give yourself a cuddle and pep talk.
When someone writes an awful review just think 'wow they must be having a bad day!'. Turn it onto them, not you.

@demelza82

I hate the fact that all these responses just seem to validate the shitty behaviour of others

It's not validating their behaviour.

People do shitty things - we can't control that, the only thing we can (learn to) control is our own reaction to them.

Even if we all agree they are shitty we can't do a thing about them.

Even people we love and care for and who love and care for us do things that we perceive as shitty at times. Sometimes it is meant, often it isn't. Learning to accept that and to realise it is about them and not us is the way forward.

Pregnancy and childbirth can definitely make ocd/ anxiety worse.

Counselling, cbt etc can help. Dummies guide to CBT is good to work through. There are lots of podcasts to help with anxiety too, just put ‘anxiety’ into any podcast provider.

Citalopram helped me, need about 40mg a day for anxiety (rather than the 20mg you might have for depression), takes about 2 weeks to start working but can be life changing

Good luck, it’s a really hard place to be x

Oakleaffy that’s not true at all re medication, lots of people use it to cope with long term anxiety, are you thinking of diazepam type medications for short term fear eg flying. rather than antidepressants (which work long term on anxiety)

You need psychological help (therapist, counsellor e.t.c). Negative feedback is part of life, and you need help to build resilience to it.

OP I'm in a creative industry too. When my children were younger I was caught in a huge anxiety spiral. I could just about cope with work but I couldn't deal with tiny tiny everyday issues like a person delivering a package or a tradesman coming round.

I eventually found that ant-Depression medication helped with my anxiety.

I still get anxious when I have to go to big work functions. As I'm a freelancer I'm often on my own searching for people I know. What I found helps is to find someone I vaguely know (or even a stranger that catches my eye or near me) and be totally open and say something like "Gosh I always get really nervous at these type of things. I always feel a bit awkward trying to find people I may know". I never yet not had a person say similar back to me and it breaks the ice and we have a little chat.

Reviews about my work really affect me too. Luckily I've only had a handful of nasty ones. A friend recommended I save all my nice and complimentary reviews in a folder on my laptop to read back when I'm feeling inadequate. It helps.

I also saw a Ricky Gervais quote once that really got me -

"It's better to create something and be criticised than to create nothing and criticise others"

Very true.

@LonelyGir1

You need psychological help (therapist, counsellor e.t.c). Negative feedback is part of life, and you need help to build resilience to it.

She's getting that, and it isn't helping. If it's this severe, it's unlikely to help without medication.

I have an anxious personality type. I am starting saying outloud my acheivements at the end of the day of things that went well. Also setting my intentions at the start of the day.
You could use CBT to counter any particular thing you were anxious about that day to decide how far that was a real incident you need to learn from and how far the anxiety can be dismissed. It needs only take 5-10 mins at the end of the day.
I worry about transferring anxiety to my children too. At bedtime I ask my son if he wants to do the 'night-time prayer' (his name for it) where he says all the things he likes about what happened that day. I do the same too. Its not a tool to tackle an anxiety but is at least helping to stop an over concentration on bad things. I do also ask him if there was anything he didn't like about the day so we can talk about that together, but he rarely offers anything up.

Also medication may help. I had a friend who had crippling anxiety. Refused medication adamantly. Got furious if anyone suggested it. Also hated CBT and refused it.
In her mid 40's she decided to try medication. Found it really helped.
She now has CBT too and has found that has given her some helpful tools.

@Sayitagainwhydontyou I think thought she would find it mean suggesting she needs to be medicated, and I didn’t want to add to her anxiety. Also, sometimes it takes time to find the right therapist.

[quote LonelyGir1]@Sayitagainwhydontyou I think thought she would find it mean suggesting she needs to be medicated, and I didn’t want to add to her anxiety. Also, sometimes it takes time to find the right therapist.[/quote]
Why would suggesting medical treatment be mean!? Would it be mean to recommend insulin to a diabetic?

Was there anything in your childhood which might've contributed to your social anxiety, such as bullying/ rejection?

If so, you could try EMDR therapy as the past may have a bearing on why you feel the way you do, and EMDR can reduce the impact of that.

As someone with a parent who has extreme anxiety, I urge you to get help. My mum was the same as you. She thought she would grow out of it but it only got worse and impacted her children. Now I have children of my own and, as much as I love her, she is exhausting. She’s overly anxious not just for herself but also all of us. She’s constantly worrying about my dc and will phone me early mornings to say she hasn’t slept all night with worry for them. Nothing in particular to worry about, it could be anything really. She also cares way too much about what people think about her. She over analyses everything. As a family, we’ve tried many times to get her help but she never sees it through. We all stopped talking to her about anything serious because it would physically make her ill.

Don’t get to her stage. Do whatever you can to Try and fix the problem now

These are some of the things that have helped me:
Have you thought about keeping a journal of what you are thinking about when you feel anxious?
I do this on OneNote, which you can download to your phone, so do anywhere. It can feel like a weight off just to get the thoughts out of your head.
It would allow you to look back objectively over your thoughts at another point (when feeling less anxious) and also to re-read your objective thoughts when your mind starts to race again.
This book : Ease Your Anxiety by Dr. Joan I. Rosenberg had an immediate impact on me.
I would also recommend Headspace - Mindful Cardio
Hope that helps!

If you have Instagram, follow Matt Haig and buy his book Notes on a Nervous Planet.
It’s a good insight in to anxiety and it’s also so comforting to know millions of other people feel the way you do! I also suffer with similar anxieties but it’s so important to remember that how people treat you is a reflection of their own self. You can’t take online trolling or negativity seriously because these people do not know you personally and so aren’t actually judging you as a person - you are just a host for their projections.
Good luck I know how tough it can be.

@feelingsodown32 Don't you bloody dare call yourself a terrible mum and pathetic! Anxiety in this sense is a horrible debilitating illness which robs you of all normal feeling and balance. Please don't judge yourself so harshly - you are getting help and that is the main thing.

Besides, if you're pathetic then I definitely am! which I tell myself constantly but logically I know it's not true

@feelingsodown32

I've always been very anxious but I'd say it's probably got worse as I've gotten older. I thought it would go the other way.

Money's tight and I can't afford private therapy unfortunately.

@RedPanda2 That sounds fantastic, but I can't imagine how a pill can stop you caring what other people think?

Anxiety meds are amazing. I suffered for years before getting help age 30 so 5 years ago now. I was always obsessing about conversations I'd had with anyone, but now I don't give it a second thought. I sort of feel like my brain was a messy room and taking fluoxetine tidied it up and I can think clearly now. If you are open to taking meds go and speak to your doctor.

Hi @feelingsodown32 sorry I got caught up with children’s bedtime

I’m on fluoxetine, it’s been great

Hi OP

I sound similar to you. I was told I was catastrophising and I agree but it’s difficult to stop.

For years I didn’t realise that I do have anxiety. I worry about things that logically I know don’t matter ie who cares if Debbie from accounts seems off with me- it doesn’t impact my life.

The above probably isn’t the best example as I probably wouldn’t care in that situation but if it’s to do with work, then that stresses me out. I overthink so many things that I tie myself in knots.

I also feel the same as you regarding a pill not being able to help.

I think I’ve always had an anxious personality, however I’ve had my fair share of traumatic things imo. Mam died suddenly and the last birthday she seen me was on my 21st, DC with suspected special needs for years, my abusive dad, and a couple of other stress inducing things that have happened during my life (I don’t want to ‘out’ myself so I shan’t say anymore)

Sometimes I wonder why I’m not more resilient considering I’ve been through worse but somehow it almost makes it worse. I feel that life ‘proves’ to me that shit happens so I’m anticipating it.

Someone that’s had a relatively ‘easy’ life quite probably expects things to work out so they don’t stress....

It’s hard to know, but what I’m saying is, I completely understand. I was reading your post thinking that could be me writing that.

I’ve come of social media for a start as that started getting to me I realised. Deleting that has helped for sure.

I’ve also tried to draw a line under things and dwell on things that really don’t matter- is what Debbie thinks.....

I try to focus on my DC and as long as they are happy and healthy that’s the most important thing.

I’ve also told close friends that I have anxiety so when I cancel at the last minute etc it’s not because I don’t want to see them.

I try not to get myself in situations where I know I’ll not want to be in. Ie work doo’s- absolutely not.

I’m going to follow this thread as I’m interested in the advice you get.

Your certainly not alone OP. It’s bludy shit having anxiety!! Xxxx

CBT is usually a short-term intense form of therapy focused on giving you specific practical techniques to solve problems and therefore change your behaviour. It won't work if you don't use and practice the techniques you are given.

You might find that you need a longer course of more traditional therapy, either person-centred therapy or psychotherapy to understand the situation.