Can't cope with people's horrible comments

[feelingsodown32]

I don't know where to start really. I have really bad social anxiety to the point where I get extremely nervous before meeting other people (everyone from new people to acquaintances to close friends). Particularly with new people, I worry terribly that I'll make myself look foolish, or that I'll inadvertently say the "wrong" thing and people won't like me and will talk about me behind my back.

I really enjoy my job for the most part, but I occasionally receive some really nasty criticism about my work on social media or via email, and it completely crushes me. I just don't understand why people have to be so aggressive and rude. Doesn't it occur to them that there's a real life person on the receiving end before they hit send? Or maybe they just don't care?!

I get very down when faced with social situations or people's comments. DH has been understanding over the years, but even he's at the end of his tether and says he can't help me anymore because he thinks I need to see a professional and he doesn't feel qualified to help.

I'm currently having CBT over the phone and I do feel more positive after the chats, but it's usually short lived.

I feel like I'm always on high alert, worrying what is around the corner. It's almost like there's a constant stream of anxiety running in the background that I can't switch off. This is interspersed with really "down" episodes that happen often. I try to focus on the positives but just get overwhelmed with the sheer despair.

I'm 32 so not young - I thought I'd get stronger as I got older but it's never really happened. I have a baby son and am terrified that my anxiety will transfer on to him. I want him to be happy and confident and not end up like me.

I'm at my wit's end and don't know how to cope anymore.

@Choice4567 what medication were you on if you don't mind me asking?

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my post and the advice - it means a lot.

There's a good book called 'From Stress to Stillness' by Gina Lake - it helps you to learn how to make the thoughts you have more quiet. She spoils it a bit by getting religous in the second half but the first half is well worth a dip into. (and you can read just a section at a time - it all helps) I found it life changing.

Social anxiety / catatstrophising / rumination of this extremity sounds an awful lot like complex PTSD - what was your childhood/growing up like? If not, do you fit any of the markers for ASD in girls? (To be clear one does not preclude the other, just making some suggestions).

You can absolutely improve this, but I would say yes, professional help 100%, and also, go to the gp and ask for anti anxiety medication. Medication is a tool you can use to help get well - it won't do it on it's own, but it can be very useful to help give your brain breathing space while you try to work on it.

A good book is the mindful way through depression, too.

It’s vital to do the homework for CBT. It just won’t be effective without it.

it might help to keep reminding yourself that all these people are nobodies, and not your friends and that its not your job to make everyone like you. Even the most talented fabulous people in the world have to avoid reading the comments about their own work, as every arsehole has an opinion.
Have you been bullied in the past?
Do you think it might be a sign of an underlying depression. You might find a low dose antidepresant helps get things in perspective

I really feel for you OP, I used to be exactly as you describe and it ruins everything. I hope it will give you hope when I tell you that with age it gradually got less and less and now it is no longer a problem - I am 41, nearly 42, so ten years ahead of you. I gradually realised how flawed and imperfect other people are, that nobody else was more worthy or better than me, gradually starting to trust my own judgement. When I realised how many morons there are out there my respect for certain people nose dived to the point where I give zero shits what they think of me - whereas a decade ago it would have given me sleepless nights and gone round and round my head like torture. This improvement happened naturally. Certain things like driving sped the process up - seeing idiots driving badly was a visual reminder that other human beings are not perfect, far from it, and they are certainly not better than me, therefore their opinion of me is not worth being anxious over. Journey back 10 years and if some arsehole had driven right up behind me aggressively or something it would have intimidated me hugely and I would have obessed over it for days with feelings of self loathing - now I would feel nothing but contempt for the other person, would assume they were intellectually challenged and would probably slow my vehicle down further.

You are just as worthy as anybody else, your feelings and opinions are just as valid, and chances are most people do like you when they meet you - if they don't, sod them, they aren't worth your precious time. And for what it's worth I think you sound lovely.

Hi op you sound just like me. I’ve always been sensitive but it’s become worse over the last few years. I never stop thinking or expecting criticism. Anything negative I obsess about. If I make a mistake I crucify myself over it. I tried cbt but didn’t find it effective- I take anti depressants and they give me a strong hold over it 99% of the time

One strategy I find effective when it gets really bad is to think of the issue I’m anxious about as if it was a physical item. I then put it in a figurative box and think ‘I’ll come back to this when I’m feeling better’. Helps me to delay the intensity.

Not the poster you asked, but I think I took citalopram, which was quite good.

@feelingsodown32

Yes I could come off social media.

Good, that's a first step. Honestly social media is great when it's positive but sucks the life out of anyone when it's negative. It's not you, it's them is true.

Therapy can help you explore the "why" you are like this, meds can help the feelings that come with anxiety, but there is nothing like making time for you. You are important, you deserve to have some time dedicated to yourself and whatever you want to do. Any grandparents on the scene that could babysit once a week so that you can go and do whatever it is that will help you rewind? Because I'm guessing you're the kind of person that puts everyone's needs first and neglects their own.

Buy this and work through it www.amazon.es/Brilliant-Cognitive-Behavioural-Therapy-Lifeskills/dp/0273724908/ref=sr_1_3?__mk_es_ES=%C3%85M%C3%85%C5%BD%C3%95%C3%91&dchild=1&keywords=brilliant+cbt&qid=1598029855&sr=8-3 Brilliant Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It's really easy to read and has exercises to do. It's very good about anxiety and catastrophising.

See people as "comrades, not enemies". I learnt this after reading 'The Courage to be Disliked'. Excellent book that changed my life and helped immensely with my social anxiety. If you look around, you'll find it for free online.

I occasionally receive some really nasty criticism about my work on social media or via email

That's highly unprofessional if it's from colleagues or other people working in your industry. I would find that very offensive, and I haven't got social anxiety. Is the criticism never useful? Can you get any necessary feedback in less stressful ways? If not, unless your job requires you to be on social media, I would ditch it.

This hit me with first pregnancy and subsequent birth baby. I struggled for months, went to see a lovely GP who told me my battery was flat. The constant anxiety had used up all my seratonin so I was running on empty. He gave me some tablets which after a few weeks were a revelation I was a different person. My OH too was at the end of his tether and was so relieved when I started to feel better. Over the years I took them now and again when things were bad. Now I can talk myself around and look at my behaviour objectively. I did read some books which helped as well.

I felt so guilty had a lovely husband, baby, home everything should have been good for us all only I was spoiling it all.

First step - come off social media. It's difficult enough for people with no mental health issues.
2nd step - keep on with your treatment or any other therapy which you find helpful.
3rd step - please be kind to yourself.

Hi OP, sorry you feel like this right now. You mention criticism but is it in relation to your work? How awful if they do and how unprofessional!

Definitely come off social media, it’s all fake anyway x

I wholeheartedly echo all of the posters who have advised professional help for your anxiety, and taking the time to work on it, whether CBT be the right sort of therapy for you and doing the homework, or something else.

Just to add to all the already excellent suggestions people have made, one thing I have found helpful when I find my thoughts are spiralling, I'm catastrophising and feeling anxious about something is to think: 'what would be the absolute worst case scenario / outcome / thing I'm imagining here', and then thinking 'ok, and how would I cope with that situation, what would I do to manage that?' As I often find that whatever the worst case thing I'm imagining, I then can formulate a plan of how I would deal with it, and then I realise I could actually cope with the worst case, and then feel much more comfortable. I realise in a way that sounds a bit negative thinking about worst case scenarios, but realising I also would cope with that helps me feel better.

I hope you find something that helps OP. I do also genuinely believe and echo all the people who have said they look at things this way: do they think those thoughts about other people? No, so the reality is other people genuinely are highly unlikely to be thinking those thoughts about you.

I've heard of this before and it seems to be an ingrained thing for some people that therapy doesn't fix. Also called (sometimes) rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

I would be very interested to know if there's anything other than ssris to calm it down. I'm sure cbt is very good but I'm not sure it would have a massive effect on this as it's almost a biological problem. Happy to be wrong though!

Mirtazapine is also a good option - it's not just an antidepressant, but has proven anti-anxiety properties (and it helps you sleep better too). As my doctor explained, it helps the severe 'ups and down' of the emotional rollercoaster less severe. Eventually, they're nothing more than gentle waves of ups and downs. But some kind of therapy should go along with it, so do stick with the CBT if it's helping you.

@botswanabanana

Sounds a bit like catastrophising. CBT is good for helping with this sort of thing, so do carry on.

Agree with this... I had a counsellor who said ''You tend to AWFULISE'' and I do.

I go from 0-100 in 'awfulising' but at least acknowledge it now, and can see it for what it is.

Re Social media, perhaps people don't see you as a ''real'' person on there who gets hurt.. but people DO get upset, especially if it is about their work, or something they have made or done.

We all have different tastes, and likes, and I read somewhere that we tend to take a criticism onboard far more often than we do 'nice' comments.

CBT can really help! Someone I know who I thought was really confident admitting to having to ''learn'' to be that way...and they had paid for CBT counselling- I don't think it is the sort of thing that the NHS pays for, but it helps us to ''be your own counsellor''.

As far as other people talking about you behind your back...I think people are very wary of 'gossip' like this, as it makes them think ''What is being said about ME to others?''

32 is young! Or it is from where I'm standing ..and plenty young enough to retrain your thought processes. :)

It is hard to actually gauge though how mean or if indeed some comments are actually mean about your creative output. They probably are in your case OP but it is just that I know a few self-proclaimed creative folk that constantly use social media to showcase what is pretty mediocre work at best (usually worse) and keep touting for business with it, expecting constant praise. They have had some pretty bizarre meltdowns over not getting resounding positive and flattering feedback. I just recently turned down someone to collaborate with because they were incredibly bad artists. I genuinely tried to be as diplomatic as possible. Unfortunately, they were so accustomed to insincere fawning, with family or friends humouring them, they lacked any capacity for self-critical appraisal and were unable to accept constructive criticism. It is great that there is now an abundance of sales channels for small craft and art businesses to sell through but it also has fostered some really unrealistic expectations about their lack of talent. I avoid looking at portfolios these days for those wanting to go to art school because I don't want any drama. In order to get genuinely good in any creative field, you have to be able to deal with unflattering feedback.

Just seems like you’ve been unfortunate enough to come across some unpleasant people. It isn’t you that you need to change, but your reaction to the nasty people you come into contact with. As you’re a none confrontational person, avoid people who act that way. Block them on social media, avoid people irl who are like this. Surround yourself with people who you want to be with and who make you feel good and positive about yourself. It is easier as you get older. When you’re younger you want everyone to like you so compromise who you are to fit in. Even with awful people. I always think now that angry, nasty people must be deeply unhappy, and should be pitied.

@feelingsodown32

I've always been very anxious but I'd say it's probably got worse as I've gotten older. I thought it would go the other way.

Money's tight and I can't afford private therapy unfortunately.

@RedPanda2 That sounds fantastic, but I can't imagine how a pill can stop you caring what other people think?

You are lucky to have CBT at an affordable rate :) Much, much better off than pills if you can manage your anxiety through CBT.

No pill really works to stop you being sensitive- { I'm not a doctor /nurse though!}
Anti anxiety meds can work for a short term fear- like flying- but not about worrying what people think.

A man I know used to get so terrified of flying that the mere mention of it had him racing for the loo with panicky guts as he called them.
But he worked on the fear, and can travel by plane with no meds.
That was via CBT, too.

Being edgy and nervous at times normal, but a lot of people hide it very well.

I really recommend coming off social media and putting something in place so you can outsource that part if you need it to exist. I personally would avoid medication unless it's absolutely necessary. Just my opinion, but it will dull feelings of anxiety but not necessarily get your brain to be fulfilled in realising why. So you'll "accept" negative things and become a bit apathetic, even if you are smiley. Talking to trusted people (the right kind, to nourish your soul) and keeping healthy is an amazing healer. The horrible stuff people say online is not normal and you should not have to deal with it as a par for the course - society has just made people think it's ok because of it's prevalence. Empathetic people are the kind they target (I am too) but you should stay as you are and not change. I personally am so much happier off social media!

@oakleaffy medication does help for anxiety generally, it’s not just for short term things like flying at all

OP get yourself to the GP and have a chat about medication to see if it might help - it really did for me