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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend's behaviour

78 replies

Immigrantsong · 21/08/2020 12:16

Today is my birthday and my friend has yet to contact me. Her birthday is on the same day one month prior to mine, so it's easy to remember for both of us as the day is the same and only the month differs.

I always do loads for her birthday and build it up so she can feel special and loved. Last month for her birthday, I did a social distanced BBQ on the weekend before her big day and gave her some gifts. She loved everything and seemed to appreciate the effort. I also made sure to text her and call her on her actual birthday after the weekend.

Yet today it's my birthday and so far I have had no text or call.

This has made me reflect on things. I seem to be the one keeping the friendship going and make all the effort. She never initiates anything and comes to me when she needs something. I have seen her though make efforts for others and can't believe I have been so oblivious.

She is the only friend I have from the same country and we usually wish happy birthday early in the day as a custom.

Aibu to feel upset and that if she truly wanted she would be making more of an effort? What would you do if this was you?

Please be gentle, feeling very upset about this.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 21/08/2020 12:20

I'd scale back my own efforts tbh

022828MAN · 21/08/2020 12:20

She could have a million things going on and not have noticed the date...

Original poster
Immigrantsong · 21/08/2020 12:24

@022828MAN

She could have a million things going on and not have noticed the date...
Hopefully. What I need to work out is my behaviour tbh. Because I care so much for her that I can't wait for her birthday, so obviously her complete lack of contact since then seems like a bitter pill.
OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 21/08/2020 12:24

It’s possible that you value this friendship more than she does and also place more significance on birthdays. Please try to focus on anyone who has wished you a happy birthday and any nice plans you have.

She’s very likely just having a busy day and will be in touch later but dwelling on her and feeling so hurt is pointless and a little silly.

But happy birthday from me. Now go and enjoy it.

katy1213 · 21/08/2020 12:26

It's only midday so give her a chance! But perhaps she feels overwhelmed by you. I wouldn't want friends making such a fuss over my birthday - especially if they expected me to reciprocate. Adult birthdays aren't such a big deal. A card, a little present, a few flowers - that's nice - but that's plenty.

IlovecatsyesIdo · 21/08/2020 12:26

Happy Birthday OP.
I’m sorry to hear your friend has let you down. I think this demonstrates (along with other things you have said) that she is a taker and you should take a step back from the friendship. Let her contact you and don’t be the one making all the effort. When she does makes contact you could say to her how you feel and see what she says, maybe it’s better to be open about it.

Original poster
Immigrantsong · 21/08/2020 12:26

@MatildaTheCat

It’s possible that you value this friendship more than she does and also place more significance on birthdays. Please try to focus on anyone who has wished you a happy birthday and any nice plans you have.

She’s very likely just having a busy day and will be in touch later but dwelling on her and feeling so hurt is pointless and a little silly.

But happy birthday from me. Now go and enjoy it.

I think you are right.

That's the worse, feeling silly because of the situation and not being able to think clearly.

Will go have fun with DH and appreciate the ones that have made an effort.

Thank you for being the voice of reason.

OP posts:
Thedogscollar · 21/08/2020 12:27

Happy Birthday to you FlowersWine
Really sad to read your post especially all the effort you are putting into this relationship. I think in this world there are givers and takers, you obviously are a giver whilst your friend seems to be a taker.
Do you live near your friend? It seems strange given all the effort you put in for her birthday that she couldn't even pick up the phone to say Happy Birthday.
I'd be hurt to.

Pinkdelight3 · 21/08/2020 12:28

She never initiates anything and comes to me when she needs something.

So why do you have these expectations of her, without any basis in reality? And why do you make all this effort for her, if what you want is the same in return and know it's not going to happen? I think if you're not getting what you want from the friendship then let it go. But if you like her and want to stay friends then accept how she is and adjust your expectations - and do less for her if it's only going to cause resentment. (Generally though, i can't get too worked up about birthdays. I love my friends, but unless facebook prompts me, I don't remember theirs and don't expect them to remember mine. People have busy lives.)

But that aside, happy birthday!

Original poster
Immigrantsong · 21/08/2020 12:29

@katy1213

It's only midday so give her a chance! But perhaps she feels overwhelmed by you. I wouldn't want friends making such a fuss over my birthday - especially if they expected me to reciprocate. Adult birthdays aren't such a big deal. A card, a little present, a few flowers - that's nice - but that's plenty.
I completely hear you and would agree if this wasn't a cultural thing for us.

In our country, close friends or family make massive efforts and we make a bug deal over important things like birthdays.

Plus this is what she likes about me, my enthusiasm and passion. It's a bit puzzling tbh.

But I will hear every perspective here and reflect.

OP posts:
SaintofBats · 21/08/2020 12:35

Well, does she usually go to the same level of effort as you do for her birthday? Is this silence a one-off?

Original poster
Immigrantsong · 21/08/2020 19:45

@Pinkdelight3

She never initiates anything and comes to me when she needs something.

So why do you have these expectations of her, without any basis in reality? And why do you make all this effort for her, if what you want is the same in return and know it's not going to happen? I think if you're not getting what you want from the friendship then let it go. But if you like her and want to stay friends then accept how she is and adjust your expectations - and do less for her if it's only going to cause resentment. (Generally though, i can't get too worked up about birthdays. I love my friends, but unless facebook prompts me, I don't remember theirs and don't expect them to remember mine. People have busy lives.)

But that aside, happy birthday!

You make some very good points and I have a lot to think about.

I wasn't expecting anything grand to be fair, a call or text to wish me happy birthday was all I wanted.

This still hasn't happened.

I did have a great day though so far and at the end that's what I need to focus on.

Thank you for your reply and points t reflect on.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 21/08/2020 21:16

Thing is, you could have completely different views of friendship, or of this friendship.

You may be doing the while birthday extravaganza to show her what you would want. And she might be doing the whole 'let's not mention birthdays' because of what she wants.

After all if you were doing the birthday bash purely for her, there would be no expectation attached.

Whatever, whenever you feel hard done to, or put upon, it is time to draw back. But also a time to look at your boundaries.

Don't ever give to get. Give with no expectation of return, or don't give. So think hard next time you are doing a 'giving' thing - 'will I feel disturbed if this isn't reciprocated?' If so, be true to you, and don't do it.

Original poster
Immigrantsong · 21/08/2020 22:51

@ChristmasFluff

Thing is, you could have completely different views of friendship, or of this friendship.

You may be doing the while birthday extravaganza to show her what you would want. And she might be doing the whole 'let's not mention birthdays' because of what she wants.

After all if you were doing the birthday bash purely for her, there would be no expectation attached.

Whatever, whenever you feel hard done to, or put upon, it is time to draw back. But also a time to look at your boundaries.

Don't ever give to get. Give with no expectation of return, or don't give. So think hard next time you are doing a 'giving' thing - 'will I feel disturbed if this isn't reciprocated?' If so, be true to you, and don't do it.

I agree but do feel I need to state once more that I never expected anything other than a call or text.

I didn't do what I did for her with any expectations for any reciprocity of an event. But I do want my closest friend to at least care enough to want to wish me well on my birthday.

That's the behaviour I can't process and understand. The complete silence. It hurts, not going to lie.

OP posts:
DFAMA · 21/08/2020 23:09

Yanbu

I had a similar thing and it hurt so much to not even be worth the 2 minutes it takes to send a text - this person always makes a big deal of their own birthday and I have never not at least acknowledged it. It was the final thing that made me realise she saw me as an acquaintance while I had seen her as a close friend. I stopped bothering after that and haven't seen her in months. Some people are just users

DFAMA · 21/08/2020 23:11

Happy birthday! Cake Wine

BlogTheBlogger · 21/08/2020 23:13

Will you contact her about it or leave her to make the first move from now on?

Original poster
Immigrantsong · 21/08/2020 23:17

I will definitely leave it to her to make the first move.

It's been an eye opener that she wouldn't call or text me or forget about it.

I never expected anything other than some contact on my birthday, so this has been really a low point on our relationship.

OP posts:
BlogTheBlogger · 21/08/2020 23:21

You must feel so hurt, but you are doing the right thing letting her make the first move

BunnyLovesBananas · 21/08/2020 23:26

Happy birthday OP

You are not being unreasonable. Whilst some people say she won't have realised they date, I would make sure I knew when my friend's birthdays were and it would be on my mind to text that day.

I have friends like this, or had. I don't make effort any more with people who don't make an effort with me.

Original poster
Immigrantsong · 23/08/2020 13:40

Here's an update on things.

Friend tried ringing yesterday a few times but we kept missing each other. No message or text sent.

She tried again today and when I called her back we managed to speak.

She apologised for missing my birthday and said she was busy with preparing for an interview she has for this Wednand proceeded to as for help.

It's s clear she uses me and doesn't really care.

I am done.

OP posts:
BunnyLovesBananas · 23/08/2020 21:46

Even if she was preparing for an interview she could have sent a message

whywhywhy6 · 23/08/2020 21:50

Wow, that’s disappointing. I’m sorry OP Flowers

FedUpHadEnough · 23/08/2020 22:08

Your birthday was on Friday and she has an interview on Wednesday so I'm not sure why this meant she couldn't call or text you, even if she were REALLY busy.

BlogTheBlogger · 24/08/2020 01:09

Sounds like the apology was just a shoe in for a request! What help did she want, and what did you say?