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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend's behaviour

78 replies

Immigrantsong · 21/08/2020 12:16

Today is my birthday and my friend has yet to contact me. Her birthday is on the same day one month prior to mine, so it's easy to remember for both of us as the day is the same and only the month differs.

I always do loads for her birthday and build it up so she can feel special and loved. Last month for her birthday, I did a social distanced BBQ on the weekend before her big day and gave her some gifts. She loved everything and seemed to appreciate the effort. I also made sure to text her and call her on her actual birthday after the weekend.

Yet today it's my birthday and so far I have had no text or call.

This has made me reflect on things. I seem to be the one keeping the friendship going and make all the effort. She never initiates anything and comes to me when she needs something. I have seen her though make efforts for others and can't believe I have been so oblivious.

She is the only friend I have from the same country and we usually wish happy birthday early in the day as a custom.

Aibu to feel upset and that if she truly wanted she would be making more of an effort? What would you do if this was you?

Please be gentle, feeling very upset about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Immigrantsong · 24/08/2020 01:12

The only reason I can think of is because she doesn't care.

It broke my heart because I love her, but I don't want to have to convince anyone to give me their friendship.

I have forgiven her though as I don't like keeping grudges and want nothing but the best for her. I hope she gets the job. I will keep my distance though from now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Immigrantsong · 24/08/2020 01:13

@BlogTheBlogger

Sounds like the apology was just a shoe in for a request! What help did she want, and what did you say?
She wanted interview help.

I helped her. For the last time for the sake of the love i have for her.

OP posts:
Angelina82 · 24/08/2020 05:17

You do go over the top for your friends birthday OP so maybe your friend feels like she can’t match up and so has just given up.

seayork2020 · 24/08/2020 05:31

Although it is nice to make an effort but I have zero expectations on my birthday so I do what I want for it, if you want to keep on putting in the effort because you choose too great it is a nice thing to do for someone, but you will be disappointed if you do it and expect something in return.

If you need other people to make your birthday special then I think again you will not get what you want

SilkCashmere · 24/08/2020 05:39

Happy birthday, she doesn't deserve you.

redcarbluecar · 24/08/2020 06:16

Sounds like her behaviour has been a bit thoughtless all round. I wouldn’t discard the friendship, unless you decide there’s no value in it, but it may certainly be a time to reflect and change your expectations of her. Worth remembering as well that birthdays are just not a very big thing to some people.

Ablackrussian · 24/08/2020 06:21

That's kind that you helped her. But for your own sanity, stay away. She does not value your kindness. She values your always-willing-to-helpness. It'll not get any better. Why would it? She puts in zero effort and knows you'll still be there.

It's an unhealthy friendship.

AlwaysCheddar · 24/08/2020 06:22

Did she get you a card? She sounds selfish. Stop contacting her, and don’t help her. See what she does.

Whenwillthisbeover · 24/08/2020 06:28

You will help her again next time she calls.

You had the perfect opportunity this weekend to refuse and tell her you were hurt, but she successfully managed to make it about her.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 24/08/2020 06:36

Happy Birthday, OP!

Sorry you feel so let down by your friend, but it really does sound, as others have said, that she is happy to take from you and give very little in return.
Why is it that you value this friendship so much?
Is it to do with her being the only other person you have from your home country, perhaps?
I would move on and try to find people who apprecuate you.
Good luck!

Original poster
Immigrantsong · 24/08/2020 06:56

@seayork2020

Although it is nice to make an effort but I have zero expectations on my birthday so I do what I want for it, if you want to keep on putting in the effort because you choose too great it is a nice thing to do for someone, but you will be disappointed if you do it and expect something in return.

If you need other people to make your birthday special then I think again you will not get what you want

I don't need other people to make my birthday special.

I need those I love and care deeply for to be there for me. I don't think it's that much to ask.

OP posts:
Original poster
Immigrantsong · 24/08/2020 06:57

@SilkCashmere

Happy birthday, she doesn't deserve you.
Thank you kindly
OP posts:
Original poster
Immigrantsong · 24/08/2020 06:58

@redcarbluecar

Sounds like her behaviour has been a bit thoughtless all round. I wouldn’t discard the friendship, unless you decide there’s no value in it, but it may certainly be a time to reflect and change your expectations of her. Worth remembering as well that birthdays are just not a very big thing to some people.
I agree. I will take a massive step back and take the time to reflect on things.
OP posts:
Original poster
Immigrantsong · 24/08/2020 06:58

@Ablackrussian

That's kind that you helped her. But for your own sanity, stay away. She does not value your kindness. She values your always-willing-to-helpness. It'll not get any better. Why would it? She puts in zero effort and knows you'll still be there.

It's an unhealthy friendship.

Completely agree. Thank you.
OP posts:
Original poster
Immigrantsong · 24/08/2020 07:00

@Whenwillthisbeover

You will help her again next time she calls.

You had the perfect opportunity this weekend to refuse and tell her you were hurt, but she successfully managed to make it about her.

I did think about not helping. I decided against it for me.

I wanted to do the right thing as a friend one last time. I don't plan to help again. I completely get your points.

OP posts:
Original poster
Immigrantsong · 24/08/2020 07:03

@ZorbaTheHoarder

Happy Birthday, OP!

Sorry you feel so let down by your friend, but it really does sound, as others have said, that she is happy to take from you and give very little in return.
Why is it that you value this friendship so much?
Is it to do with her being the only other person you have from your home country, perhaps?
I would move on and try to find people who apprecuate you.
Good luck!

Thank you very much.

To answer your questions, I love her. We have had some very good times together and she has been a good friend in the past.

She has her shortcomings like us all, but I never held them against her. I treat all people I love and care for as best as I can irrelevant of what their connection to me is.

Her being from the same country was just a coincidence but not the reason why she means that much to me.

I will take a step back and reflect on things though. I don't want to have such inequality.

OP posts:
Original poster
Immigrantsong · 24/08/2020 07:05

@AlwaysCheddar

Did she get you a card? She sounds selfish. Stop contacting her, and don’t help her. See what she does.
We don't do cards in our culture and I honestly didn't expect a thing other than a call or text.

I agree completely and will not be contacting her.

OP posts:
AudaCityLimits · 24/08/2020 07:16

But she did call you, did she not? And you missed the call?
I think it's lovely that you arranged lots of nice things for her birthday, and I know that you did it out of kindness, but in her place I would have felt uncomfortable. You say it's a cultural thing, but she obviously doesn't feel tied to that. In her place, I'd feel like it was all a bit much, and I think I'd have done similar to her in the hope that next year, birthday celebrations are kept small and subtle. I know it hurts but there's no way I'd be throwing away a friendship for this- I'd simply be taking the hint that I was being too full on. All this "I love her" thing is fine- I love my friends too- but it is a bit much imo.

Coffeecak3 · 24/08/2020 07:21

@AudaCityLimits the friend called op to ask for help, not specifically to offer birthday wishes. That’s how I read it.

Original poster
Immigrantsong · 24/08/2020 07:23

@AudaCityLimits

But she did call you, did she not? And you missed the call? I think it's lovely that you arranged lots of nice things for her birthday, and I know that you did it out of kindness, but in her place I would have felt uncomfortable. You say it's a cultural thing, but she obviously doesn't feel tied to that. In her place, I'd feel like it was all a bit much, and I think I'd have done similar to her in the hope that next year, birthday celebrations are kept small and subtle. I know it hurts but there's no way I'd be throwing away a friendship for this- I'd simply be taking the hint that I was being too full on. All this "I love her" thing is fine- I love my friends too- but it is a bit much imo.
Although I hear you, please take it from me that this view you are expressing is a very UK culture.

In our culture we are more open and treat friends like any relationship we value.

The notion that to love someone and want to show them is a bit too much is frankly something I will never understand.

I also would hope that any friend would not have to resolve to passive aggressive behaviour to tell me something.

She called the day after my birthday and apologised and wished me happy birthday. If she had stayed at that it would be ok. The issue is that she turned it to it being all about her instead of sticking to an apology and wishes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Immigrantsong · 24/08/2020 07:23

[quote Coffeecak3]@AudaCityLimits the friend called op to ask for help, not specifically to offer birthday wishes. That’s how I read it.[/quote]
Exactly

OP posts:
Friendsoftheearth · 24/08/2020 07:25

Your birthday has highlighted the lack of balance and equality in your friendship. You have two choices:

a) Continue as before
b) Distance yourself and spend more time developing friendships that give something back

Once a user always a user, and pouring love into someone that uses you is an act of self harm. Start looking after your own needs, be on your own side and you will soon see that you have very little time for this shallow friendship. You will time for friends that truly care about you. Good luck.

Whydidimarryhim · 24/08/2020 07:29

Hi OP to me she is just a user.
Think about what you will do in response to when she calls you again for help and advice.

Original poster
Immigrantsong · 24/08/2020 07:30

@Friendsoftheearth

Your birthday has highlighted the lack of balance and equality in your friendship. You have two choices:

a) Continue as before
b) Distance yourself and spend more time developing friendships that give something back

Once a user always a user, and pouring love into someone that uses you is an act of self harm. Start looking after your own needs, be on your own side and you will soon see that you have very little time for this shallow friendship. You will time for friends that truly care about you. Good luck.

Completely agree and will be distancing myself and reflect on everything. Thank you.
OP posts:
stayathomer · 24/08/2020 07:30

I have a friend who does tons and tons of things for me, so much I cant keep up. I try to do stuff for her but it either doesn't come together or she pips me to the post and does something else, rings me first etc. I love her and I do try but sometimes life gets in the way. If she did this aibu I'd be friendless!!! OP you have to ease off the pedal, without knowing it you're expecting what she does for you right back and that's not fair and also probably not going to happen. We're all different people who put priorities on different things and yes unfortunately some of us drop the ball and are thoughtless sometimes, but it doesn't mean we dont care. Saying that with your update you seem to have decided so maybe it's fir the best